Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

This is a terrible idea and would make me even less likely to consider having kids. I’d be so outraged that someone would question my own judgement on something so innate that I’d probably go and investigate getting sterilised as a result of such a suggestion.

It’s called a conversation!

if someone said they really wanted kids would you think it appropriate to try and talk them out of it? No? Then nobody should do the same the other way around.

I’ve just reread the original post and didn’t realise one of your DD’s has always said she wanted children but her and partner have now decided they don’t. Now I’ve read the post again, I’d definitely be inclined to have a delicate conversation if you can. Not because of your desire to have GC but to check this is actually what she wants. I know so many women who have wanted children and been with men who have said yeah yeah one day but couldn’t commit and changed their minds and then lo and behold, the woman gets past a certain age, man runs off with younger woman and has a couple of kids . If they’ve both come to that decision then that’s fine (putting your disappointment aside) but I’ve known this situation too many times not to be concerned. It could also be fertility issues. Again, I know several people who told family and friends they’d decided they didn’t want children because they were struggling to conceive and didn’t want the pressure of being asked.

Its the death of the family bloodline, after everything her ancestors survived,wars,famines,etc- it has come to an end in a modern world where people live comfortably and many choose material values over bringing up next generation and what really matters. Of course she is going to mourn and I bet their ancestors would be spinning if they knew.
OP I have heard a few older women cry rhat they didnt have more children than 2, as people are busy and they feel they dont get visited enough in their old age by 2 they had- if your daughters is one of those who thinks fur cat or dog baby is going to cut it long term she might also feel the same way as you one day.

I decided at an early age I was going to be childfree. My sister had an unplanned child at 16 and caused a lot of worry and distress for the family. Back in the 1960s it was still considered a disgrace. Eventually she married (someone else) and had a second child.

In my 30s my parents announced that they were leaving two thirds of the estate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchidren and I had not. I was in a profession with a good career but was being effectively punished for my (selfish) lifestyle choice. Of course parents can bequeath their money as they wish. But you can imagine how worthless their announcement made me feel. We had never been close but at that point I began to consciously withdraw from my parents and my sister and became low contact.

I know they got a lot of pleasure from having grandchildren. However as one poster said, they are not a "gift" and no one has a right to expect them.

I have 3 DC. 1 DD who has 2 DC, my 2 dgs's. I have 2 Adult DS's neither of whom want any DC. They both have cats and say I'm Grand kitty as I'll step in and feed them when they go on holiday. I've got foster children and if any of them have DC I can be Nan to those DC. There are lots of DC out there without a Nan. I just find being nice and kind to lots of DC in my life is good.

@Mapleleaf114the family bloodline thing is ridiculous. My DHs family are hung up on bloodlines partly because their mum is from Scotland but what are they really saying, their genes should be passed down. It’s like some weird cult. There are varying genetic conditions on that side of the family that would have meant 1000s years ago their genes would have probably died out. Eg would have meant they couldn’t run etc.Is forcing women to have kids to pass on genes the healthiest option? Definitely not!

I understand how you feel OP I don’t have children so you are blessed to have children never mind grandchildren. I have heard of women changing their mind so maybe don’t rule it out 100%. Just be thankful that you have 2 lovely children of your own.

You are so totally allowed to feel sad. Having grandchildren puts a lot of interest, stimulation, ways of showing love and help to yojr own children, and new avenues of love for grandparents. And it’s right not to show your daughters even a tiny hint of the sadness or disappointment you might feel.

I’d suggest finding outlets for the feelings you have: helping in local children’s charities, schools (they need reading and maths helpers!), hospitals, etc.
Eg
https://www.gosh.nhs.uk/working-here/volunteering-us/

And as people say, you are needed and valued as a mother right now - don’t forget that. Take your daughters out regularly, cook for them, call them, be there for them. I’m an adult and still need my mum!

I don't think it is the same at all to looking after other people's children. To me certainly it's just the extended family I would love. I spent my working life working with young children.
They don't in any way fill the family gap.

🙄
How do you feel about:

Those with children have limited their lives significantly, contributed little outside of their lineage, and have an incomplete view of the world due to their narrow experiences. For the benefit of society, it is the duty of the rest of us to ensure others don’t make the same mistakes and encourage them to be more and better.

Nobody has a complete perspective. I don’t believe there’s any such thing - and a parent’s memories of life before they had kids, whether they wanted them at the time or not, bear little to no relation to what it’s like to be a non-parent at 40 or 50.

My perspective as someone happily single & childfree at 52 is going to be completely different to that of someone who also lives on their own but would have liked a partner & kids.

So yes to conversations, sharing experiences & being ready to listen. No to persuasion - in any direction.

I suppose I’d have to ask you what you have in mind when you say ‘for the benefit of society’? Because if I were to take you at face value, if you get your way then soon enough there won’t be a society.

She is happy she has children. The OP is going through an upsetting process of accepting it isn’t something that is going to happen - much like a bereavement. (Of course not all bereavements are the same in terms of pain. But the process and acceptance of ‘living with sadness’ can be compared)

You'll gets lots of people dismissing your feelings on this OP which is really unkind.
I feel it's very normal to feel a kind of grief over something that you hoped would be your life but isn't to be. People who never have their own children for whatever reason but desperately wanted them can grieve for the loss of the life they wished for. I don't see why longing to be a grandparent is much different.

It's such a shame as you hear of so many awful grandparents on here who couldn't care less and then you have people like OP who would cherish being a loving grandmother but may well never get the chance. I think it's absolutely ok to feel bereft about that.

I also wonder if part of the problem is how many people seem too busy for anyone outside of their own families. In theory yes you could plug the gap from not having much wanted children or grandchildren with other relationships but it seems harder to do that when fewer people are interested in people outside of their units.

Conversely she might be relieved to be able to live a life she actively chose rather than passively sitting looking out the window wishing some people she brought into existence but whom she may not even like would come to visit.

I find your perspective a bit odd to be honest.

Your parents clearly wanted grandchildren. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and it is a totally normal part of the human condition for lots of people. Your sister gave them grandchildren without them placing any undue expectations on her. They derived a lot of pleasure from these grandchildren, probably loved them dearly and undoubtedly wanted to split their estate to reflect the fact that the share they left to your sister would also be shared amongst the grandchildren too over time. It is fact that your portion of the estate was basically just for you whilst your sister's covered her children too. I have known parents completely skip their adult children and leave large amounts of money directly to grandchildren. Perhaps you would have preferred this?

You sound extremely bitter towards your parents. Of course it's great that you had a fantastic career and have lived the life you wanted to live but ultimately this simply isn't going to directly positively impact your parents' lives in the way that having grandchildren would. This is absolutely OK as the purpose of your life isn't to make your parents happy and to do what they want. It's enough to be true to yourself and make yourself happy. Just don't expect your parents to validate your life choices for you. It's the road to resentment and unhappiness.

It's fair to expect parents to love their children equally. The fact that they don't show it is perhaps a bit of an insight into the reality of their own experience of parenthood.

A fair few people definitely adopt the "I suffered so why shouldn't you" attitude to the child free.

Why do you presume that her parents don't love her equally compared to her sibling?

I don't think her parents sound like they suffered through parenthood and want her to suffer in the same way. It sounds like they love their grandchildren and derive great joy from them. They perhaps don't make any attempt to hide this from her but why should they? She could be a proud doting auntie but instead seems fixated on the fact that she is being 'punished' for not having children whilst ignoring the blatant fact that the grandparents probably wanted to leave money through the sibling to their grandchildren. As I mentioned earlier, lots of grandparents leave money directly to the grandchildren which inevitably means those adults children with the most kids see more money go to their side. Most people don't automatically assume that this means that the parents loved the adult children unequally.

I do understand your sadness.

But I am on the other side to you. My daughter has always said she doesn’t want children and I am happy. I don’t want her to have a life like I did. I hope she follows through on never wanting to commit to a man either, especially financially, and lives her own life. She will be the opposite to me in every way and it will be marvellous.

My adult DC don’t have children. I am a proxy grandmother to a dear neighbouring family and I get so much joy and happiness from that relationship. But it’s also helped me realise just how exhausting children are when one is over sixty, and I see how complicated and stressful this family’s life is and their concerns for their child’s future that it really has made glad my own DC don’t have children. I honestly have the best of both worlds so OP I’d recommend finding a proxy grandmother role!