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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

19 Year Old Lying to me

154 replies

hollyberrytree · 18/12/2025 13:33

It was my daughter‘s idea to install Life360 on our phones so that it will be easy for meeting up when we were away. She knows I seldom look at my mobile as I work on aPC or I use an iPad.

She’s a second year university student living 4 hours from home and I have realised that she thinks I can no longer see the Life360 details. But I can.

She’s told me ( We have an ongoing chat on Facebook messenger, we don’t phone) -she’s in her university hometown but I can see she’s gone to stay with her boyfriend. And now today they’ve left there and gone on another long journey about 150 miles away.
We havent met the boyfriend yet. But I’ve expressed no disapproval whatsoever in fact he sounds quite nice. They have been together since September

This isn’t the first time I’ve caught a lie A few weeks ago she went to stay at the boyfriend’s university which is four hours away from her uni but again she pretended she was still at uni. This was over a weekend so perhaps less important.
The following weekend she was there again but told me and I didn’t let on. I just said have a lovely time and paid for their lunch at Wetherspoons!

If she wants to miss uni then that’s one thing but it’s the lying that is another. She is actively telling me she’s doing something so it’s not as if she’s just not mentioned she’s gone somewhere

What shall I do? She supposed to be coming home on Saturday for Christmas.

OP posts:
harlemshake · 18/12/2025 13:35

She is an adult, maybe just say I know where you are and i would rather you do not lie, what she does however, is her business.

I get it if the issue is the lying

sprigatito · 18/12/2025 13:39

You need to stop checking her location unless you have a valid reason for doing so. Yes, she suggested getting the app, but she told you what purpose she expected you to use it for and presumably she trusted you not to abuse it by spying on her when you have no need and no right to know where she is and what she’s doing.

I don’t like lying either, but in my experience children and young adults often lie because they feel suffocated by over-involved adults who don’t give them space to breathe and make their own decisions. Just something to think about if you are planning to bring it up with her.

LighthouseLED · 18/12/2025 13:42

I’d tell her you can still see the Life360 details so she can remove them if she wants (tbh I’d probably be removing it myself in your position, then you won’t know if she’s lying or not).

She probably just wants a bit of privacy / to avoid awkward questions. I used to lie to my parents all the time about what I was doing. In hindsight I don’t really know why - I think I just didn’t want them to comment / ask how things were going / ask for details. It’s part of establishing independence. No tracking back in those days, though.

Treylime · 18/12/2025 13:43

Don't track her anymore. I agree with pp she is feeling suffocated and lies to stop your questions about her whereabouts.

MsOtisReflects · 18/12/2025 13:43

I would uninstall the app.

It’s completely ridiculous for you to be keeping tabs on her like this. Yes, she may be doing things you wouldn’t like. Or things that might worry you. But that is how young adults develop into functioning adults.

All you are doing is ruining your own peace of mind. Pointlessly.

Would it help to remind yourself that hundreds of thousands of students study on different continents to their home?

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 18/12/2025 13:44

My young adult dd's know better than to lie about their whereabouts... When they were younger we discussed being safe out and about and if anything happened I would be looking in the wrong place.
Prob stems from me being in trouble years ago.
But they respect me enough to humour me!! Same as curfew. Don't I deserve to not spend hours worrying?
Tell dd she needs to switch it off as its stressing you knowing she's lying.

skippy67 · 18/12/2025 13:46

Uninstall the app.

sprigatito · 18/12/2025 13:47

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 18/12/2025 13:44

My young adult dd's know better than to lie about their whereabouts... When they were younger we discussed being safe out and about and if anything happened I would be looking in the wrong place.
Prob stems from me being in trouble years ago.
But they respect me enough to humour me!! Same as curfew. Don't I deserve to not spend hours worrying?
Tell dd she needs to switch it off as its stressing you knowing she's lying.

Do you deserve not to spend hours worrying…well no, not really, if alleviating your worries involves curtailing the independence and privacy of another adult. Your past, your sensitivities, your problem - and your responsibility to learn to manage your own emotions so they don’t negatively impact others. They are adults and they don’t owe you a running commentary on their whereabouts or activities.

herbalteabag · 18/12/2025 13:48

She's probably forgotten you can tell where she is. As for lying, I'm sure you haven't always told the truth your whole life. She didn't want to tell you for some reason, but she isn't obliged to tell you everything she's doing. So just tell her you can see her location, and she can turn it off.

Goinghome2late · 18/12/2025 13:50

Give her her privacy back.

TooWittyToWoo · 18/12/2025 13:54

She’s probably forgotten you can see her location and can’t be arsed to explain that her relationship is getting more serious / they’re spending more time together / doesn’t want to define it at all to you yet etc.

Just uninstall the app and leave her be.

houseofisms · 18/12/2025 13:57

I’m glad apps like this didn’t exist when I went to uni as my mum would have been horrified! (I’m also glad phones with cameras didn’t exist!)

when you go to uni it’s the first time you have proper freedom and do things your parents would probably disapprove of.

Ponderingwindow · 18/12/2025 14:00

what I would do is have a conversation with her about safety in new ways. These are things that all adults do, including yours lt. if you go out of town or deviate from your routine, you need to tell someone. That can be one another, but it can also be someone else like a trusted friend or a roommate.

It’s like the rule of striking out on a long hike. You tell someone who is not on the hike roughly where you are going and when you expect to return. That way if you don’t come back, someone can send help.

when she is home, these guidelines apply to everyone. If you are going out for the evening. Tell her when you expect to be back. If you are running late, send her a text. It helps keep you safe even at your age.

Redhairandhottubs · 18/12/2025 14:01

I used to lie to my parents all the time. In fact, I still do tbh and I’m 49! Usually it’s because I want some privacy and don't always want to discuss my personal life with them. I expect your daughter thinks if she tells you how much time she’s spending with her boyfriend, you’ll be questioning whether she is missing lectures, keeping up with work, etc.

I hate that idea of tracking people’s whereabouts (other than in specific situations where it benefits personal safety). I think you should switch it off OP and give your DD some privacy.

Original poster
hollyberrytree · 18/12/2025 14:03

Im not continuously checking the App. You will just have to take my word for this, it’s possibly just one a week. Until I realised she wasn’t where she said she was.

I don’t expect to know where she is all the time but the town would be good!

I have had a child study abroad so I’m not inexperienced in my kids being a long way from home

Its the specific lying that I am upset by
Im genuinely surprised most replies aren’t bothered by the lying!

If she’d said I’m going to X for a few days with BF I’d just have said.
ok let me know when you get there, are you ok for money and be careful.

So she didn’t need to lie.

OP posts:
MsOtisReflects · 18/12/2025 14:07

But why should she ‘let you know when she gets there’?

I don’t think you’re willing to hear what people are saying. Your daughter wants to go about her business without oversight. Let her.

FairyBatman · 18/12/2025 14:15

I’m a bit torn about this.

I’d maybe say that you can see the life 360 still and with absolutely no judgement please be more sensible than to lie to me about where in the country / world you are. God forbid should anything go wrong it won’t help if you think she’s in another part of the country.

BunnyLake · 18/12/2025 14:22

MsOtisReflects · 18/12/2025 14:07

But why should she ‘let you know when she gets there’?

I don’t think you’re willing to hear what people are saying. Your daughter wants to go about her business without oversight. Let her.

Yes this.

You may not realise it but you’ve probably been quite stifling over the years. My son is at uni, I have his location (with his knowledge) but I never go on it because I know that I’d a) worry if he were somewhere far away from uni and b) it just doesn’t seem right to keep tabs without legitimate reasons other than my own nosiness.

MrsKeats · 18/12/2025 14:22

Stop tracking her! She’s an adult and it’s so intrusive.

YellowCherry · 18/12/2025 14:25

OP, didn't you tell white lies to your parents at this age, eg that you were studying hard at uni when in fact you were hanging out with your boyfriend? It's not a lie that will hurt anyone.

Lostdaughter66 · 18/12/2025 14:26

I don’t track any of my adult children - youngest and middle child are at uni and youngest is 19. They need to be independent and live their own lives.
Also, both of mine at uni have finished for the holidays so perhaps she has actually finished for the term and not told you ?

Nineteen is old enough to be independent, she will ask if she wants help.

FoxFeatures · 18/12/2025 14:31

She obviously feels she has to lie OP, or she wouldn’t.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 18/12/2025 14:32

FFS why are you tracking her? Stop looking at where she is! Even once a week is too much at her age.

And yes, I also have a DD in 2nd year of uni who is a few hours away from home. Yes, we have life360 set up still and NO I do NOT regularly check it!!! The only time I check it is when she tells me she is coming home and I can track her journey so I can see what time she will be arriving so I make tea ready for when she gets in.

Maybe give a thought to why she is not telling you the truth about where she is? If you simply would say, as you state you will, 'oh that's nice etc' then she wouldn't have a reason to have told a lie would she? She obviously thinks you will be judgmental about where she is and what she is doing with her time. Hence the need not to be 100% truthful with you.

Does she know you still track her? I assume not. So if you address this with her she will know you are watching where she is and will most likely remove herself from it so you can't do it anymore.

I would have freaked if my parents tracked me at 19.

Leave her be.

Original poster
hollyberrytree · 18/12/2025 14:36

Please take me at my word
I don’t track her as a matter of course
and she has no reason to lie that I can think of
Ive encouraged her to get the most of out life/ Uni etc and try to facilitate things if she asks

OP posts:
sprigatito · 18/12/2025 14:39

hollyberrytree · 18/12/2025 14:36

Please take me at my word
I don’t track her as a matter of course
and she has no reason to lie that I can think of
Ive encouraged her to get the most of out life/ Uni etc and try to facilitate things if she asks

But you do track her, and it’s inappropriate. You keep deflecting by saying you don’t check it every day, you don’t do it “as a matter of course”…you are not listening to people telling you that you shouldn’t be tracking her at all when she is away. She suggested it to make meeting up easier, and you are abusing her trust by spying on her. I don’t blame her for trying to carve out a bit of space for herself.