19 Year Old Lying to me

[hollyberrytree]

It was my daughter‘s idea to install Life360 on our phones so that it will be easy for meeting up when we were away. She knows I seldom look at my mobile as I work on aPC or I use an iPad.

She’s a second year university student living 4 hours from home and I have realised that she thinks I can no longer see the Life360 details. But I can.

She’s told me ( We have an ongoing chat on Facebook messenger, we don’t phone) -she’s in her university hometown but I can see she’s gone to stay with her boyfriend. And now today they’ve left there and gone on another long journey about 150 miles away.
We havent met the boyfriend yet. But I’ve expressed no disapproval whatsoever in fact he sounds quite nice. They have been together since September

This isn’t the first time I’ve caught a lie A few weeks ago she went to stay at the boyfriend’s university which is four hours away from her uni but again she pretended she was still at uni. This was over a weekend so perhaps less important.
The following weekend she was there again but told me and I didn’t let on. I just said have a lovely time and paid for their lunch at Wetherspoons!

If she wants to miss uni then that’s one thing but it’s the lying that is another. She is actively telling me she’s doing something so it’s not as if she’s just not mentioned she’s gone somewhere

What shall I do? She supposed to be coming home on Saturday for Christmas.

I'd just have an honest conversation with her. I'd ask her if she'd like me to delete the tracking app and then do so if she'd prefer.

And then I'd say she doesn't have to tell you where she is, but if she does tell you it's important to be honest just in case something happens to her - you wouldn't want to give misinformation to the police.

The big issue here for me is the fact we can now track people. It's such a huge over step. I have even deleted this for my 13 year old temporarily whilst I get my head round it all.

There is something beyond ok in knowing someone's location whenever you fancy. Even if they have consented. I have great discomfort with this more than the lying.

I'm prepared to be in the minority here.

She doesn't want you to know where she is. Just accept it. You don't get to hear about every facet of her life.

I think your behaviour in sneakily tracking her and not telling her is worse. (yes, she knows you have Life 360, but she doesn't expect you to be using it except in particular instances).

So your options are actually
-tell her you are tracking her (which will probably mean she removes it)
-stop tracking her

Yes, because you only know she’s lying because you are tracking her. If you were not tracking her you wouldn’t know she was lying.

People lie. You may not think she had reason too, but she does. I’d leave this well alone.

She's lying because she doesn't want to explain what she's doing, or because she feels suffocated. Ignore it, delete the app, and let go of the reins.

This is why she is lying.

You are paying her fees and expenses at the cost to her of her privacy.

Disgusting.

Haha! I actually felt really bad as my mum was super proud of me spending my summer teaching arts and crafts to young kids😭

I did actually admit it to her after a few drinks about 10 years later and thankfully she saw the funny side 😂

She is lying to you, but you are tracking her without her knowledge. So what could you say? You couldn't bring it up with her because she'd then know you were looking at her location

She is an adult now. What on earth do you think you can do about her lying?

She's probably lying because she can't be bothered to get into a conversation with you about where she is or when she gets there etc.

She’s not lying, she’s just exercising her right to privacy. She doesn’t want to share with you where she is or what she’s doing.
I have never told my mother much about my private life as she just never shuts up about it. If I tell her anything I get 20 questions. I don’t want that, so I don’t talk about stuff.

My youngest child is nearly 30, i don't think there was tracking when they were a teenager and I don't understand why you would track someone'.s phone,

I have read on here that women use it so see when their husbands are due home so they can put dinner on. that blows my mind! .My dh will either phone or send a quick message if he is going to be late home.

What’s funding her got to do with anything?

I personally would not say that OP is exerting or imposing a “right”. She is questioning why her daughter is lying to her. Yes she has said that she is funding her daughter’s university and some living costs, which for some is normal. But I her think query is not as a result of doing so. She genuinely does not know.

There are some quite belligerent responses on here. Should OP get some therapy because she is a stalky, controlling mum.

OP - stop tracking! Delete the tracker, your daughter is an adult! Butt out of her life!

Next!

OP, I have a dd the same age and we too have Life360. When we got it we discussed when and how it should be used, and agreed that anybody (I have another dd) could uninstall it if they wanted.

Now I use it when she's on her way home, and occasionally just if I'm missing her, to remind myself she's still there. On occasion I see that she's coming home very late, or that she's not at a lecture she told me she was going to.

What do I do? Absolutely nothing. Because its not much of a lie if someone is protecting information you're not entitled to, and because all it would do is incentivise her to tell me even less, or to uninstall the app. I strongly recommend you do the same. Do you remember when they were teens, and had to earn our trust? Well, now is the time when we have to earn their trust too. Keep schtum!

Oh god the "I use it to track my husband to see when he'll be home for dinner" line is absolute bullshit 😂

She’s not lying she’s just not filling you in on all the minute details of her movements.

Stop tracking your adult daughter, it's unhinged and controlling. She doesn't have to tell you where she is.

Exactly.

The whole lie line is bizarre. She’s just protecting her privacy.

Honestly OP delete this app you don’t have the maturity to use it.

So she didn’t need to lie.

Yet she did anyway. Like you say, it's not just that she's gone and not told you, she's purposely giving you false info. So whatever you may thing about here not needing to lie, she feels differently.

Can you think why that may be? Something said in passing about the boyfriend that she might have picked up on?

Firstly - Delete the app and stop spying on her. Secondly, if you feel that strongly about it tell her that you found the app on your phone recently, opened it on a whim and saw that she wasn't where she said she was. Tell her you've now deleted it and that while you don't need to know where she is all the time, if something were to happen and she's given you wrong info, it could cause issues.

She is directly lying. Telling me she is at one event and she is at the other end of the country.

Yes. Again, this is what teenagers / young adults do.

I wouldn't even be able to list the things I lied to my mum about from the age of about 14-15 onwards.

Why do you think she is doing it? You’re not really responding to what people are suggesting in terms of the reasons.

@hollyberrytree "What is your position on lying? I should just ignore it?"

In my opinion, yes. Unless of course you think she's putting herself in danger or involved in something dodgy. I was a teenager in the 1970's and I lied to my parents all the bloody time. Mind you, I left home at 17 and they certainly weren't funding university, cars or anything at all for me. So I guess there is a reasonable trade off expected in your case.

STOP TRACKING HER FFS! She's an adult not 12. My mum used to ask 101 questions when I used to get home, would stay up and ask really personal questions which I never answered and she'd cry and try to guilt trip.
In the end I told her straight that it was none of her business if I'd had sex on a date with long term boyfriend, where we went who we saw, why didn't I call her when I was on the way home. I was fucking well 26!

I am responding. I have said I have no idea why she is doing it. I have always tried to be supportive. She’s my 4th and youngest child so I’m not new to teenagers.

And what do you think you could possibly do about that? Tell her off? She's an adult

You paying for her insurance etc doesn't give her any less right to privacy