19 Year Old Lying to me

[hollyberrytree]

It was my daughter‘s idea to install Life360 on our phones so that it will be easy for meeting up when we were away. She knows I seldom look at my mobile as I work on aPC or I use an iPad.

She’s a second year university student living 4 hours from home and I have realised that she thinks I can no longer see the Life360 details. But I can.

She’s told me ( We have an ongoing chat on Facebook messenger, we don’t phone) -she’s in her university hometown but I can see she’s gone to stay with her boyfriend. And now today they’ve left there and gone on another long journey about 150 miles away.
We havent met the boyfriend yet. But I’ve expressed no disapproval whatsoever in fact he sounds quite nice. They have been together since September

This isn’t the first time I’ve caught a lie A few weeks ago she went to stay at the boyfriend’s university which is four hours away from her uni but again she pretended she was still at uni. This was over a weekend so perhaps less important.
The following weekend she was there again but told me and I didn’t let on. I just said have a lovely time and paid for their lunch at Wetherspoons!

If she wants to miss uni then that’s one thing but it’s the lying that is another. She is actively telling me she’s doing something so it’s not as if she’s just not mentioned she’s gone somewhere

What shall I do? She supposed to be coming home on Saturday for Christmas.

You are asking her where she is when you know where she is.

Not cool.

Delete the app or refer to it in an emergency situation.

But you ARE tracking her though. You give several examples in your original post where you have caught her in a lie so you are glancing regularly at where she is. What people are saying is that you shouldn't even be doing that!

Since my DD left to go back in September I have checked Life360 twice. Once when she was on her way home for reading week, and the last time when she was on her way home for Christmas. And then it was only so I could get a nice dinner ready for when she arrived home.

Please don't keep checking up on her, its really intrusive, and I think you need to let her know that you still have Life360 set up so it gives her the option to remove herself from the app if she wants to.

Stop tracking her. Assume she is fine unless you hear different.

Ask her to ensure that she always has cash and ID on her (as well as phone) so that if there is a problem you will be informed.

I agree with PP’s that you need to reflect on WHY she feels the need to lie to you. Is it because you’d go mad/have a go at her/ask all sorts of questions?

She clearly feels uncomfortable telling you the truth and there’s got to be a reason.

Aren't you lying to her by letting her think that you can no longer track her?

Also, you need to ask her whether she’s still willing to be tracked. We shouldn’t track adults without their permission. I had this conversation with DD (20) and I don’t track her. She and her uni flatmates do track each other for safety reasons.

Oh good another thread about tracking adult children 🙄

Just to put it out there, all teens / young adults lie to their parents at some point.

Delete the tracking app.

Yes this ^^

I have my DD on life360 still and asked if she wanted to remove herself and she said no. She is fine with me tracking her journey back from uni when she comes home for breaks and she trusts that I am not tracking her outside of that and abusing that trust.

She and her uni friends, and her boyfriend, track each other also for safety reasons.

Ok
I get it no one like tracking apps

What is your position on lying?
I should just ignore it?

Yes. Because you wouldn't have known if you weren't tracking her.

Did you never lie to your parents when you were a teenager?

What was your plan? Stop her pocket money? It’s up to you whether you make an issue of the lying or not, but in your position I certainly wouldn’t. Better to reflect on why she might feel the need to put some distance between you and her everyday decision making.

@hollyberrytree Consider the reasons why she might be lying and then ask her. I suspect that she’s going to say that you interfere and criticize too much.

Well I’m funding her at Uni, paying her phone, car insurance etc
But no I have no plans to do anything other than ignore it or bring it up

Not sure which

I genuinely have no clue why she’s lying
if I had any clues I’d have mentioned them in the hope of getting some advice

Good grief, stop tracking your Adult Daughter! I’d remove the app and let her know you’ve done it. She will likely pick up that that means you may have realised she’s lied a few times. If she brings it up, great, but I’d let it go otherwise, as others have said it sounds like a reaction to an overbearing parent.

@hollyberrytree Hmm, personally I’d ask her why. I would ask my DD in this situation.

My position is that you should stop lying to your daughter by pretending that you cannot (and do not) track her.

OP, “19 Year Old Lying to me?” Why are you being so clandestine? What would happen if you said “I see on the Life360, that you are spending time with your boyfriend, away from Uni but when we speak you say you’re not.” Starts a conversation!

But I would say that the fact she is lying to you and you haven’t had the conversation and that you have posted on MN for advice might be a case of there lies the problem.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to know where your 19 year old is. I like to know where my 32 year old DD is. I won’t comment on the tracking thing, it was her idea. I guess that because she is lying to you, you have become a little obsessed. Just speak to her! But there might be deeper issues here!

Because she's 19!!!

I once told my mum I was going helping at a kids summer camp but was actually on a Club 18-30 holiday in Kavos.

Just leave her be. FFS.

I have Life360 with my ds20 it was a condition on him being insured on my car. I can understand why you are annoyed. My fear would be if anything happened you wouldn't have a clue where she was.

Maybe she thinks you will start digging and being nosey about the new boyfriend so is being a bit shady, but she is allowed a life without you knowing the details, I hate lying it really is unnecessary but I honestly think they do this to give themselves a bit of privacy,. Stop tracking looking at what she is doing OR tell her you can see where she is.

Should you just ignore her lying?

@hollyberrytree what, exactly do you think you can do about it?

Ground her?

Get her to write lines?

Dock her pocket money?

Ban her from seeing her boyfriend?

She is no longer under your control. You need to relinquish the urge to be involved in every decision and activity. Lighten up and then she might feel more inclined to share what she’s doing.

Oh we meet again on one of these threads, I told my mum i was away with my friend on holiday which i was but my boyfriend was also there 😂

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know, no…you can want as much as you like. The mistake lies in the assumption that your wants entitle you to certain actions by other adults, including your adult children. You have no right to know where they are and what they are doing. If OP seriously thinks supporting her daughter financially at university - as most of us do - buys her control over her everyday movements, then it’s very easy to see exactly why she has ended up being lied to.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to know where your 19 year old is. I like to know where my 32 year old DD is.

I’m sure my mother would like to know where I am, even though I’m in my 40s, but as an adult I don’t need or want my mother knowing about every aspect of my life, however boring it actually is! Thankfully she doesn’t know tracking apps exist and I am certainly not telling her (and nor would I agree to be tracked if she found out).

The unreasonable thing is placing an expectation on another adult to tell you things they don’t want to.

@Starlight1984 That’s hysterical. 🤣

We were lucky to grow up in pre-tracking days and personally, I can see why young adults sometimes feel stifled now, they have so little privacy.