19 Year Old Lying to me

[hollyberrytree]

It was my daughter‘s idea to install Life360 on our phones so that it will be easy for meeting up when we were away. She knows I seldom look at my mobile as I work on aPC or I use an iPad.

She’s a second year university student living 4 hours from home and I have realised that she thinks I can no longer see the Life360 details. But I can.

She’s told me ( We have an ongoing chat on Facebook messenger, we don’t phone) -she’s in her university hometown but I can see she’s gone to stay with her boyfriend. And now today they’ve left there and gone on another long journey about 150 miles away.
We havent met the boyfriend yet. But I’ve expressed no disapproval whatsoever in fact he sounds quite nice. They have been together since September

This isn’t the first time I’ve caught a lie A few weeks ago she went to stay at the boyfriend’s university which is four hours away from her uni but again she pretended she was still at uni. This was over a weekend so perhaps less important.
The following weekend she was there again but told me and I didn’t let on. I just said have a lovely time and paid for their lunch at Wetherspoons!

If she wants to miss uni then that’s one thing but it’s the lying that is another. She is actively telling me she’s doing something so it’s not as if she’s just not mentioned she’s gone somewhere

What shall I do? She supposed to be coming home on Saturday for Christmas.

The message you’re not hearing is she doesn’t want to tell you about her new partner. Seems fair enough to me.

I think tracking her in secret is as bad as lying. You don't really have a good reason to do it and you're using it as a tool to gain information about her that you know she doesn't want to share. That seems more sinister than lying about spending time with her boyfriend to avoid questions/reminders about lectures/advice on relationships.

Agreed. @DysmalRadius

OP, lots of people have suggested you get rid of the app - obviously.
You don't need to know where she is - not even the town.

We've all lied to our parents when we're adults, and it's often because parents want to be too involved in our lives.... you probably did the same when you were younger!

What are you doing when you ask her where she is and she tells you she’s in her uni town and you know she isn’t? If you’re not telling her the truth, that you know she’s in X town instead, then you are also lying, are you not?

And she’s not telling you because you aren’t owed every detail of her life. I most certainly don’t tell my parents everything and I’m in my 40s. In fact I outright lie to them sometimes. Like when they asked how DH was getting on at work and I said fine when actually he was at risk of redundancy. I didn’t want them to worry, ask a million questions, I didn’t want every conversation to start with them asking how job hunting was going… Surely you can see? They don’t NEED to know everything. You don’t NEED to know everything.

It may help you to navigate this situation if you decide upon a fixed monthly amount, then just pay that regularly and never, ever ask her about finances again.
Apart from Christmas and Birthday, don't give her any other money.
Don't offer to pay extra.
Don't ask if she has enough.
Just pay the fixed amount monthly, and leave the rest up to her. She has to learn financial independence and budgeting as an adult, without you randomly offering to top her up if she has overspent.

Why are you tracking her Fwt rude of the tracker it's controlling.

You are on another planet because most parents respect their adult kids privacy.
As for 'dangerous situations' with the best will in the world, you can hardly protect them if their phone is lost or stolen. It can only track to the nearest last mast if switched off. The battery can be removed then it's not trackable at all.
There was someone who posted a thread awhile back similar to OP and was adament she would track her d as they were "close, so very close". The general response was we all love our kids but tracking /spying/stalking wasn't the way to go.
OP's d lying isn't good but fgs no wonder her d does that would have driven me mad had my m done that she was nosy enough. D might have thought it a good idea for the tracking but when realised OP was watching every move probably thought better of it, but unless OP deletes app, d is stuffed so she can only ask her to switch it off. OP would be vu not to do that.

Probably she doesn't want to let you know when she gets there, or be careful.
She wants to be a young, free adult.
Delete the tracking app.
I wouldn't track a child in normal circumstances, bit tracking an adult is weird.

@cornflakecrunchie If you and your DD have agreed to track each other or always ensure that you both know where the other person is, that’s great. My DD and her flatmates all track each other for safety reasons. The OP and her DD haven’t agreed to this though.

It's the lying that's the problem. That and the fact that apparently it's ok to use the app when it suits the 19 year old but it's not ok to use it when it doesn't suit them. That isn't how real life works.
They've probably forgotten about the app, so have the conversation.
"That app you told me to put on my phone says you weren't where you told me you were. So either it doesn't work or what you said wasn't true. I'm deleting it anyway."

Noth wrong with tracking each other - we do this as as a family and many other people I know do too. I think the difference is that we know we can see each other's location.

It sounds like she just wants a bit of privacy OP, although missing uni would concern me. I think it's right for you to be worried about that, and perhaps a conversation about how she feels she's doing with her studies would be good. I would also check she's still ok with you seeing her location and agree what's appropriate.

Tracking apps have to be used with the full agreement of both parties. Not as it suits one individual but not the other.

If you agree they can be used in a specific circumstance, that does not make it ok to use them in other circumstances without discussion.

It's totally clear here that the DD has not agreed to be tracked generally.
Nor have all the families who have trackers "for emergencies" agreed to be tracked on a day to day basis.

How can you say she needs to tell you her every move when she's a grown adult living in a completely separate location to you?!

That's beyond bizarre and controlling. Why on earth do you need to know her every move? You need to stop this nonsense and uninstall that app. It's meant for literal children. Adults using it on eachother can be classed as coercion and control.

Hey OP 👋.
The replies on here sometimes are so annoying 🙄.
I know exactly what you’re saying.
It really is not that hard to understand or is a big deal ! It’s not being an over bearing mother !
There is no need to lie .
Just a quick message, “ I’m in Hill Town this weekend Mom , message you when I get back “
Whether we are 19 or 99 , you let your family know where you are , isn’t this the way normal life works ???
It’s not giving a run down of your day minute by minute .
If I was heading away this weekend, ( I have older lads too ) , I’d say to them I’m going such a place , & they do the same with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not a big deal to be tracking your daughter at uni? It most certainly is and if I were DD I’d just delete the app.

Whether we are 19 or 99 , you let your family know where you are , isn’t this the way normal life works ???

Depends on your level of closeness. I don't expect any family members who don't live with me to tell me if they are going to another town in the UK for a day or a weekend. They might mention it in passing or tell me about it afterwards, but I certainly don't expect them to keep me updated. If you're a family that's more closely involved in each others' lives then maybe it is normal <shrugs>

No it's really not - I did it, lots of people I know do it. My DC can track me in return. Providing everyone is happy about it then it's really no big deal.

They’re not though are they. OP’s unhappy, tracking DD’s every move and DD isn’t filling her in on everything she does.

So they need to delete the app. It's straightforward. If its installed nobody can be blamed for using it, if anyone doesn't like it being used they ought to delete it.

Exactly why I said it - and said the same in my previous post. My comment was in response to your claim that it was a big deal. It's not. The big deal (if indeed it is a big deal) is that the OP needs to be honest with her DD, which she isn't being at the moment, and if the DD is happy with her mum tracking her phone (as many people are), then it will continue to not be a big deal.

@SirChenjins I’ve never used a tracking app-is it possible to block one person from tracking you, but continue to allow other people to? The DD might have other people tracking her but have forgotten that her Mum is as well.

Yes - you choose who to share your location with. You can unshare and share at any point.

The lack of basic understanding of consent here is alarming. If conditions for the use of the app were agreed - as they were - then the OP has no right whatsoever to change them unilaterally. She knows full well she doesn’t have her daughter’s consent to do random spot checks on her daughter’s whereabouts when she is living elsewhere. I am not sure whether you are being disingenuous, or whether you really think consenting to a limited and specific use of software means consenting to all the possible uses of that software, at any time.

Thanks @SirChenjins.