19 Year Old Lying to me

[hollyberrytree]

It was my daughter‘s idea to install Life360 on our phones so that it will be easy for meeting up when we were away. She knows I seldom look at my mobile as I work on aPC or I use an iPad.

She’s a second year university student living 4 hours from home and I have realised that she thinks I can no longer see the Life360 details. But I can.

She’s told me ( We have an ongoing chat on Facebook messenger, we don’t phone) -she’s in her university hometown but I can see she’s gone to stay with her boyfriend. And now today they’ve left there and gone on another long journey about 150 miles away.
We havent met the boyfriend yet. But I’ve expressed no disapproval whatsoever in fact he sounds quite nice. They have been together since September

This isn’t the first time I’ve caught a lie A few weeks ago she went to stay at the boyfriend’s university which is four hours away from her uni but again she pretended she was still at uni. This was over a weekend so perhaps less important.
The following weekend she was there again but told me and I didn’t let on. I just said have a lovely time and paid for their lunch at Wetherspoons!

If she wants to miss uni then that’s one thing but it’s the lying that is another. She is actively telling me she’s doing something so it’s not as if she’s just not mentioned she’s gone somewhere

What shall I do? She supposed to be coming home on Saturday for Christmas.

Delete the app and tell her you have done so. It seems odd to me that she has felt the need to volunteer information which you claim not to have asked for. Are you sure you have not given the impression you would disapprove of her activities?

I think you were wrong to check the tracker - and you wonder why she lies.

Take it off and don’t give it a second thought.

All kids lie to their parents, regardless of their age.
I can guarantee that even as a 40+ year old woman you have lie to your parents about something.

There is no way to tell her that you know without causing a massive rift between you, so let it go, delete the app and let her live her life.

Tell Her you are deleting the app as it’s seems pointless having it if she is going to lie to you. This killing two birds with one stone.

The lying would bother me.

Maybe mind your own business. Lying and not telling you something irrelevant is another. Why are you double checking her location v your chats? Shes an adult.

If it bothers you this much say. Last week you said you were at X but I was looking on life 360 for your dad and saw you were at Y. How come youre lying to me?

That’s the only time I track my son, when he’s on the train home from uni.

I see MN is no longer condensing long quotes.

Exactly. If she is due home she lets me know she is on her way. I know roughly how long it takes for her to get here so plan a nice tea for when I know she will be back. I check it once to make sure she is where I think she should be and that is it. I know if there are any big hold ups she will text me. She knows that I do this and its fine and she is fine with it. She also trusts that is the end of the tracking I do and that I don't stalk her every move!!

Totally agree, imagine thinking your child was at Browns and then it turned out they’d lied after a huge distressing incident …it’s basic kindness between family members to be honest..what else matters

Maybe you're not told because as this post shows, you a likely to judge. Best to get rid of these stalking apps. She's an adult, responsible one or not.

Yes. My son is pretty communicative on his journey home but I also like the excitement of seeing he’s getting closer to the local train station. I know he’s twenty but I always meet him at the station 😊

I think the lying here is in the context of keeping her private life private rather than something more worrying.

And yes, part of adult life for a lot of people is the freedom to travel without someone wanting to know you've arrived or making daft inquiries about funds - because who would travel across the country without sufficient funds for the trip?

(Yes, there are circumstances where you might want to arrange a safe call with a friend - "if I don't contact you by X time, please do y" - hiking is one example, meeting a newer person you're planning sex stuff with is another, some foreign travel is another. But that's not all travel / activities)

I'll tell you why she is doing it.

She's 19. She is self-conscious about her parent (ie: you) knowing about her personal and private sex life. So she doesn't want to tell you she's with her boyfriend.

By the way, you might be paying for her university education, but that doesn't mean she owes you anything. We all pay out huge sums for our dc's over the years for a whole variety of reasons. We are doing that because we want to and because we love them. There should be no expectation of a return on our investment.

But it’s perfectly normal for adults to tell little white lies to each other, OP - it happens every day. Her whereabouts are really none of your business. And if you really suspect she doesn’t know you can still track her, but you’re doing it anyway, you’re being just as deceitful as she is. Turn it off.

I'm 33 and will still not tell my parents where I am, I've been dating someone for a few months and just lie even though he lives in the same city as me. It's my business where I go and what I do, even though I know they wouldn't like me lying, it means I'm not subject to them placing judgement and expectation on me. Think I'd throw my phone in the river before I let them track me even for a day!

@hollyberrytree
I can't bear being lied to.
I absolutely see your point of view. In fact, the very idea of being lied to would prompt me to leave the damn tracker thing ON, if DD can't be truthful enough to tell you where she is - for safety, not because you're spying on her, because I don't think you are.
All the posters who are saying 'she's 19!!' like she's too mature to ever get in a dangerous position - my youngest daughter's 29 & always lets me know where she is. Because I'm her mum & she knows I love her & worry about her (and her brothers!)
I always let them know where I am, too. Is there something wrong with that? Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet from other posters..

Most universities broke up last weekend, so I doubt she's missing any lectures.

She's an adult and wants to spend some time with her boyfriend before she comes home for Christmas, there's nothing wrong with that.

Of course she might get into a dangerous position, but is the small chance of that happening worth sacrificing her privacy for? She obviously thinks not.

She doesn't need to tell you her every move she is an adult.
Just say to her you are removing the app whatever it is and be done with it.

When my DD was at uni, I didn't have the remotest idea where she was or who she was with unless she needed £20 in a hurry. Mercifully, we didn't have these tracker apps - I wouldn't have wanted her to know where I was either. So stop tracking & stop asking questions then she may or may not lie to you but you won't know. Happiness all round.

Will you remind her about the tracking so she at least has a choice to disable it if she choses? Or will you not, in order to continue to track her weekly.

No, I wouldn't bring it up. This is in the category of if parents don't know it wont hurt them.

Pers I’d have to just say something. Doesn’t have to be in a bad way. I’d just say that you know she wasn’t where she said she was and ask her why she felt the need to hide it from you where she actually was.

@Oldwmn I honestly don’t want know what DD (20) is up to. If she chooses to tell me, great, but otherwise I’d rather be oblivious!

Two choices. Tell her you can see her movements still and challenge or, delete the app. Even at 64 years, the fact a mother could tell where their daughter was brought up furious anger in me - product of a very controlling Mother. Either keep quiet or, delete the app and use Find My Location with her agreement if she has an iPhone.

There's nothing wrong with it if you are all happy. (Although worrying about your adult daughter to the point you must know where she is suggests a high level of anxiety). But equally there is nothing wrong with not telling your parents where you are at all times.

Your mother not knowing where you are does not mean you are putting yourself in danger - in the OP's example, the boyfriend also knew where OP's DD was and I bet she had told her housemates/other uni friends. How would she be any more safe if her mum had known where she was too? She wouldn't.

Me too and it’s best that way. I’m the world’s biggest worrier so if it was habit for my uni son to tell me every time he was going somewhere that wasn’t the campus, I’d get myself in a state if he forgot to say (and I was tracking him). I worried enough when they were living at home, once they went to uni I allowed myself the breathing space not to worry where they were. Train tracking when heading home is all I do.