DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

I agree. DS having a phone is a privilege that I pay for - not a right. The least he can do is follow a few basic rules around the house.

Many on here seem to think he should have unlimited access while I run around facilitating his phone addiction.

He’s an absolute manipulator who knows what he has done. Give him nothing and kick him out .doesnt have to be 18 he can get homeless unit from 16 onwards. He is abusing you emotionally. Do u realise the trouble u can be in with this, especially with other kids, your job? He has done bloody nerve. U need to go to social services yourself now, tell them how it is and tell them u want him out now. They have a duty of care to him, let them get on with it and deal with him.

DS doesn’t seem to have learnt this yet despite me telling him. So glad your DS has realised.

Why doesn't he just use the home WiFi?

It's a way to bring up 17 year olds but it isn't the only one. He's in full time education, not exactly unusual to have your parents pay for your phone and food and shelter until you are 18. I had a part time job in a supermarket in sixth form college but as my parents were divorced and my Dad lived miles away, he gave me an allowance that was pretty generous to ease his guilt of not seeing me, there was no conditions, I didn't get grounded for not doing my chores, they didn't control me with imported American bollox punishments, this was the mid- late 90s though, well not in my house as my parents would have laughed and cringed at the same time over such infantalising. Equally, I was not attending lessons for a bit but you know what pulled it together myself and ultimately went through university and got a Masters degree. After one Parents' Evening, my Mum asked me why I was skipping A level lessons and told me what the outcome of going out all the time would be i e no university that I wanted to go to and I desperately wanted to go so I sorted it myself. It looks to me like oppressing the natural drive of 17 year old to be independent is unhealthy and to not guide them but control them leads to no good! Why are you punishing an almost 18 year old with phone restrictions, that is truly ridiculous and never going to work, horse has bolted there.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo Yes, hours spent on your phone can definitely affect academic performance, I’ve seen this with my children as well. If you procrastinate with scrolling until midnight and then start your homework, it’s generally not your best work! Or you don’t do as well on a test the next day because you went to sleep at 2.

Yes, yes let Taxpayers deal with it, not the parents.

He does use the home WiFi. But when he oes go out he uses his friends WiFi. What I’m saying he although he goes out of the house frequently to see his friends- all he does is go to their houses and they scroll on their phones together

I don't understand why you can't just talk to him OP, I know you said your scared of him telling on you again but you must have great self discipline if you don't talk to him about it. If he comes home before 10 pretty much every night, you said it wasn't physical, aren't you thinking this is out of character? My DS 18 was out until 4am the other night, your DS sounds pretty tame.

Your mistake is you think you can give out punishments like he's a child but expect him to act like an adult. It's a very very common problem with parents. I see it on here alot. You need to start giving your children freedom and independance in line with how you expect them to behave as an adult and you aren't. He doesn't know whether he's a child or an adult and you've now got him stuck in between the two where he's not been allowed to properly grow up so is still acting like a bratty kid because you're punishing him like one.

As I have explained previously, the phone restrictions are there as DS has no respect for me, my home, his dad or everything he has

I only ask for his phone at 10pm- he has access to it from 6am - 10pm. I’m hardly restricting him having a life. All he would do is spend even longer on the phone if he had it 24/7.

If he did his chores, treated me and his dad with respect, did his homework etc I would probably let him have it all the time. But the fact is that I pay for it and I don’t see why he should have it overnight. He doesn’t go to bed at 10 nor is he sent to bed at 10. He stays in his room and goes to bed when he is tired

You Said he he is 18 in a few months, so I assume he has one more year left of A levels. In that case still at home for 1 more academic year.

With his vindictive nature, I would defintely think about recording any difficult conversations he had. He purposely wants to make things difficult for you.

i woudl immediately stop paying for anything for him. Know others would disagree. But he has now caused distress, problems for you and is threatening to hold that o er you so you keep finding him and his lifestyle. I would cease laying his phone contract and give zero allowance. Instead just buy the basics he needs. I certainly woudl not give any funding for his lifestyle at University, with no top ups.

with serious actions that he has done and the threatening “unless you give me, do me look what I will do with false allegation” whilst smirking about it and carrying on demanding as he has the upper hand. I would show my hand. And my hand is money, a roof over your head. Age 18, there is no funding for university. May well need it for legal bills tell him due to SS involvement due to him so unable to give him any money!!

when he has left home, realised what running a house is like and how money is not given he may well grow up.

i woudl also contact his colleg or school, especially if the latter to say:
he has stolen from me. Then gone to police to make an accusation and is not threatening me with further false allegations unless I give him money.

in fact, I woudl be tempted to go to the police next time he steals.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this.

Would it work if you took away his phone and got him a simple phone that just does calls and texts, with no internet. Then he could have a smartphone again when he can pay for it? That might liven him up a bit.

The accusations sound terribly difficult. I don't know what to do about that really.

If he wants to be treated like an adult - he needs to behave like one. He’s behaving like a child throwing his toys out of the pram

Record every interaction with him. Do not give in to his demands or give him money.

You are providing him with a roof and food in the kitchen. He doesn’t need anything else. He can get a job.

Timeforabreak - He is still at school, and the OP is trying to ensure he furthers his education enough to either go to uni or get a job. Right now she only wants him to put the effort into studying to do as well as he can so he has choices.

It would be WAY easier if the OP just let him do whatever he wanted but she is trying to do her best for him as its her job as a parent.

I have read threads on MN about thirteen year olds having sex in their bedrooms because apparently thats normal. It is lazy non parenting.

The OP is doing what responsible parents do - she is trying to parent him so he will be in a position to make choices. That is it. Once his A levels are done, she is ready to step back and let him live with the consequences.

I really feel for you OP.
I have a younger teen who is obsessed with a mobile phone. I remove it from the bedroom at night and try to restrict its usage in other ways because there are a hundred better things to do than scroll mindlessly.

Its very difficult and I can imagine my teen threatening to do something similar to yours. I also dread to think what kind of example DC2 is getting.

Sounds to me that you are just looking for permission to kick him out asap. Where do you think he’ll go at 18?! He’ll be on the streets just because hes acting like a 17 year old…. Why have kids?

Well you can give him notice now that he needs to leave at 18. It will take him a while to sort accommodation.

A bit dramatic.. some leave home at 16 and fend for themselves. Why should the OP live in fear of this little toad? She has made it clear she will ask him to leave in the future, not right now. Sorry but this unconditional love and forgiveness for the entitled youth of 2025 is the reason why this county is heading for armageddon.

I’d say that whether he does his homework is his business. The thing is, your house, your car, your money-these things you can control, when they affect him. Not his homework, though. That’s his issue.

He can’t grow up without making mistakes That’s how he learns. Instead of which , he is in a tussle with you, and you risk becoming punitive

And when have you ever supported him or praised him for good behaviour? When have you given him extra time on his phone or a treat for doing what you ask?

Consequences for bad behaviour when there are no consequences for good behaviour only encourage bad behaviour.

Why should he respect you when you obviously don’t respect him?

I do agree with the majority of what you're saying.

I just don't get the impression that he has any drive to be independent. He doesn't want to apply himself to his studies, doesn't have hobbies, doesn't work or contribute around the house.

He's happy to hold his hand out for money, phone credit etc though. Going out with your mates doesn't make you independent when mummy is paying for it.

And let's not forget the point of the thread, he's made a horrendous false accusation about his mum to retaliate when he didn't get his own way.

With the phone - I wouldn't agree with restricting it as a general punishment - but if his mum has cause to believe that being up on it until the early hours is having a direct impact on his education, restricting it late at night seems like a reasonable response. To me, anyway. As you say, every kid is different.

My parents took a similar 'hands off' approach to yours, I think. We didn't do grounding, or performative punishments etc. They were clear with their expectations though: Act like a child, we'll treat you like a child. Act like a young adult and you can pretty much come and go as you please.

I got myself a double paper round that earned me 56 Euro a week from the age of 14 (1998, so decent money!), my grades were good...I misbehaved a fair bit at school, but if I ever got busted for anything serious, my parents would hear it from me first. I had a list of chores, if it wasn't all ticked off by Friday 6pm, there was no allowance that week. It taught me that you get out of life what you put in.

OPs kid doesn't seem to want to put in, and at nearly 18, I'm not sure what else she can do but turn off the taps on the privileges she's providing. Turfing him out at 18 is an extreme choice...it might be the shock he needs, or it could wreck their relationship.

You are relentless. Why has this triggered you so much? Why do you have no care for the innocent 11 year old in this and are instead just determined to absorb the OPs son of any responsibility for his own behaviour. Take on board the comments from others, you might learn something and lose some of that tunnel vision.
Yes, I know about child development and the impact of parenting, which is why I said I would be doing a full and thorough investigation if 17 yo reported to me his parent was violent. That sweeping statement was also based on the knowledge of how poor behaviour without consequences reinforces the behaviour and a knowledge of how domestic abuse perpetrators operate (manipulation tactics).
I know that it isn't typically strict parents who end up with poorly behaved children, it's inconsistent and abusive parents. I also know that some adults can come from loving families with amazing parents but grow to be abusive adults.
I don't agree with the phone restrictions which is why I said to OP to not bother with them. That said you can't have it both ways, he needs to be treated like an adult but then when he makes serious and false allegations he is suddenly a child again and it's all the parents fault so they can't do anything about it?
No, all 18 yo shouldn't be out in the world alone but sometimes an 18 year old living with the parents isn't the best thing for them or their siblings and parents. He isn't the only person in this family and his needs and wants don't trump the needs of his sibling who is a child and is unable to safeguard or advocate for himself.

Hi I have personal experience of this. My son and I had an argument when he was 18 as he was so lazy never helped round the house and I'd just gone onto an unpaid career break to care for his little brother who has SEN. I'd sold our home.
I was feeling emotional and had a throat infection and he wouldn't even watch my son (then 2) while I had a shower despite being so poorly
So we had a bit of a verbal altercation. It's rare i ever shouted at him but he's always had an impulsive side (now we know it's adhd ). I had tried to get him assessed but in those days they weren't up to speed with neurodivergence.

Anyway he ran upstairs and to spite me he decided to allege I neglected my youngest and assaulted him. Can't even remember the actual allegation as they were so wild.

Now in a normal situation you'd read his incredibly flawed statement turn up and see my son was a happy healthy boy and I had a tidy clean home and it was obviously malicious. But being the perfect storm a probationer took the statement. And all you need is a statment to act on it. An experienced cop would have said "Come on mate. This doesn not make any sense..." and its your mother!

HOWEVER I was a Police officer at the time and worse, half way through my own litigation due to how they'd treated me and driven me to an unpaid career break. So i had already ostracised myself from that station he went to due to me holding my inspector to account.

My son therefore gave them the PERFECT opportunity TO ARREST me.
Clearly it was found to be malicious but I resigned after the way I was treated by them. Left 22 hours in custody as noone wanted to speak to me knowing it was a crock of sh*t. The officers interviewing me drove me home as i weeped.
And I won my case in court. But it was more a moral victory as I wouldn't step foot back there so lost my career and future security.

The point? Kids can be malicious. I told him to move out and he went to my mums. But his behaviour continued and he reported his friend for something that was malicious. His go to is to try and mess up people's lives if you don't bow down to his demands .

My mum eventually kicked him out as he caused her issues and he's come back here. And although he's a bit more mature as he's 21. He still won't do housework. Still lives off me. Won't move out. Has lost his licence.

This all stems from not being diagnosed as a child with adhd so he struggled all through school and kids like that would rather be seen as trouble makers than as someone struggling. So it was an act he continued with.

But my life is so so hard. He racks up my bills ..so its not all adhd. It's lack of respect.

If you can find him alternative accommodation I would. Or I'd go to a family counselor. Or find out why he lashes out. There will be something. But once they're 18 you can't enforce it that's the issue. My son has had no father figure so I think a lot stems from that. But I protected him from his violent dad. And the police basically helped my son bully me when he began to make similar threats. It is a form of abuse if he threatens to make reports just because you don't allow him to get his own way. I'm so traumatised by it all I am stuck in limbo. Part of me feels bad for my son but part of me is worried by him and I can't relax at home
I truly truly sympathise

Yes, I am astonished at some of the posts on here. If my DS17 behaved in this way he would no phone. It’s as simple as that.

Some teens and adults are just lazy. Any first year university course lead knows that. Staff can provide read support and encouragement, and the student puts in practically no effort. Some parental arse kicking was required before they reached 18.