DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

Wow when my DS was doing A levels he would get caught up with phone X box. One day I took all the controllers for the games, took away the phone, set an egg timer for forty mins study, twenty minute break , and repeat. He stomped around for a few days but then calmed down. I gave him back the phone, he asked me to hang onto the controllers.

When he went to university he didn't take his x box. Met a lovely girlfriend. He'd hand her his phone when he had to study. Five years later they're still living together, he's doing a masters degree and still hands her his phone.

My husband can't watch a TV programme without fiddling with his phone. They're so addictive.

I can't imagine taking my children's phones. They were all driving at 17 so would have seemed odd to put a 10pm curfew on them.

It seems to go further back op. Kids don't suddenly start getting disrespectful (unless they are using drugs or being groomed). They need to learn to be independent.

It's all a massive over reaction on both sides as far as I can see.

Hmm, are you sure your eldest isn't ND?
He reads fairly similarly to my eldest, who wasn't just doing what the heck she wanted, was just not taking in communication as I was sure she understood it, and was hiding away in her room because she was burnt out from dealing with other people.
She wasn't assessed until she was 17, and I'm ashamed to say that our relationship wax quite strained at the time, she wasn't completing her chores, or not doing them at all. I felt that she was living her life normally until it came to doing anything I asked.

Diagnosis helped me to understand her, but also I had to learn that underdtanding one autistic person doesn't mean we understand them all.
Between everyone in our "family"
Our reactions vary greatly to each situation
I run towards the fire.
My ex husband (kids dad) pretends it isn't happening.
My middle child will have a loud meltdown
My daughter will get anxious throw up/faint
Her boyfriend will run in the opposite direction.
All 3 of the kids are diagnosed, my ex and I were both advised to get assessed during the middle childs assessment.

Who leaves home at 16 in this day and age?

Unconditional love is what a parent typically provides, not exactly a shocker.

What a nasty little fucker. He’s 17. He’s not a young teenager where he’s flooded with loads of hormones he doesn’t know what to do with and he’s struggling with finding his independence. He’s on the verge of becoming an adult. He is massively taking the piss out of you and I would come down on him like a ton of bricks. You’re letting him walk all over you at the moment, and his behaviour is deteriorating, so it’s clearly not working. He quite clearly has zero respect for you and doesn’t seem to understand that his actions have consequences. So now is the time for him to learn that lesson.

We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion Tell him that he is not going to be blackmailing you in your own home and the next time he thinks about making false allegations against you, you will report him for theft. Tell him that you will also be speaking to Social Services about them finding him alternative accommodation as you will not be defending your parenting to the police every time he doesn’t get his own way. I’d also be pointing out that making false allegations is also a criminal offence, so he needs to be very careful who he tells lies to.

DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc The answer is no. No money unless he has completed his chores and he hasn’t stolen anything. If he doesn’t want to do his chores, then he needs to find a job. If he steals from you, you will be reporting him to the police. Tell him that you are disgusted with his behaviour and that you no longer care if he fucks up his entire future because he’s got a conviction for theft. If he doesn’t like your rules, then he is welcome to move out on the morning of his 18th birthday and you will help him pack if he likes. Until then, you will feed him, you will support his education and you will clothe him. What you will not do is allow him to treat you like a piece of crap, you will not allow him to steal from you and you will not allow him to blackmail you.

However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse Let him. Let him report you to the police every single time. Because the second you give into him, he’s got you. Every time he wants money, every time you want to talk to him about moving out, all he has to do is say ‘I’m going to tell the police that you hit me and you treat younger brother badly’. And you’ll be stuck. You’re going to have to call his bluff at some point, so do it now before he realises just how far you’ll go to keep your younger DS settled.

Love is teaching a child that they cannot steal and manipulate and blackmail their way through life and that there are consequences to doing those things.

Yes so if he's genuinely done this for no reason why at nearly 18 does he not understand the immorality of doing this.

Oh and love is definitely not referring to your children as a " nasty little fucker" .

Equally, that's your opinion of what ideal parenting is but it certainly isn't everyone's experience of good parenting and guess what the outcome is still ok!

You’re working on the basis that he genuinely doesn’t understand that this is wrong. I think he does. Unless he has additional needs, he’ll be perfectly aware that the police could take action against her. That’s why he went there. He just doesn’t care because he wants his own way more than he cares about his mother sitting in a police cell and his younger brother potentially being removed from the family home.

So she either carries on being calm and accepting his behaviour, or she shows him that his behaviour won’t be tolerated. I don’t think she’s helping him by accepting his behaviour.

There is a younger sibling with severe SEN in the picture too though . I wouldn't be enabling the older child behaving like this around someone so vulnerable. I'm not saying OP should cut her son off but it's not unfair to tell him he needs to move out. At his age he should either be earning a wage or in full time education. It's not normal to leech off others with no reason.

But the fact that he did this to begin with demonstrates that the strict parenting may not produce results, indeed, it has resulted in chaos.

He's in full time education how is he leaching off people. Getting a job would probably help his development though, it would help both of them and OP may be able to relax the controls a bit.

I'm sorry to read all this, it sounds like you've really been through the wringer.

You say your son is 21 now...you must get him out of your house, for his sake and yours. You no longer have a legal duty to house him and you are under absolutely zero obligation to share your home with him if you don't want to.

It will likely not be easy and you will need to follow a formal process (eviction notice giving him a reasonable amount of time to vacate, usually a month, but can be more/less), followed by court if he refuses.

As unpleasant as all of that sounds, the alternative is that he stays and makes your life a misery. He has no reason to change his ways while you're providing a safety net and he feels he can bully you into getting his own way. The longer you allow his appalling behavior to continue, the less likely he will ever change.

@Goldenbear I do think you have a point about the OP may be needing to relax the controls a bit though.

Sorry, but only a stupid female parent allows a manipulative near adult boy child to " run things" under her roof under the guise of " unconditional love".

Too many of these nowadays coddled boy children who are not kicked out end up abusing their mothers.

Calling the police because his mum is not allowing him to turn into a scrub as fast as he wants to is a behavioural streak that speaks to CHARACTER.

The OP can get nconditionally love him by wishing him the best life , on his terms outside of her and her other child's home.

Let him take his high chest and see how far he gets in life cry bullying with people who did not push him out of their bodies.

That's the love he needs.
No way am I putting up with abuse from my child.

Too many mothers have given birth to their murderers and the majority did not cut the cord accordingly when said adult child showed behaviour that they would never tolerate from anybody not their child.
The OP's son is wicked and spiteful.
Two of the worst traits a male can have at his age and older.

Yes, I do think at 18 you need to understand you are an adult and stand on your own two feet but obviously the OP needs to compliment that desired behaviour with age appropriate parenting- IMO but I am only one person. TBF only the OP knows if this would work.

What does your husband say about it all, I think my DH would have something to say about this.

He’s not my child. I don’t love him. I’m good with calling him a nasty little fucker, thanks. He has treated his entire family with contempt, he has stolen from them and from the OP’s employer. He has lied to police and I’m assuming Social Services would have spoken to him as well, so do you think he told them the truth? He has risked his mum’s employment. He has risked his brother being taken from the family home and stuck somewhere God knows what could have happened to him. If he’s old enough to have all the freedom he wants, he’s old enough to pull his weight in the home, earn the money he feels he’s entitled to and understand the consequences what he’s done. He’s a thief. He’s a black mailer, he’s a liar. He’s lazy.

Coming down on him like a ton of bricks is not my opinion of good parenting. Does it make you feel better to insinuate I’m a rubbish parent because I have firm boundaries? I’m a fan of gentle but firm parenting. I never raise my voice, I talk and I explain the reasons for the rules. But there are most definitely rules and I expect them to be followed. I’ve raised three teens in very difficult circumstances with that parenting and I’m currently raising a three year old. All very calm, well behaved and the police never came knocking. You sound more lax in your parenting style and that’s fine if you think that’s an effective way of parenting. I don’t and neither does ‘everyone’ else.

But the fact that he did this to begin with demonstrates that the strict parenting may not produce results, indeed, it has resulted in chaos Did you miss the bit where she says that he had his phone and and the freedom to use it, but was spending all his time on it? To the point where his grades were suffering? Would you be happy with your child failing all their exams because they were spending all their time on Tik Tok, and expecting you to pay for it? And stealing from your purse if you refuse to hand over the cash? Would you be happy with telling your employer that your child had stolen your work phone? Giving him freedom didn’t work. Setting boundaries didn’t work. If you think the way to parent him now is to politely ask him to stop doing what he’s doing, let him have all the freedom he wants and carry on giving him the money to pay for it all while he refuses to lift a finger around the house, then I don’t think that’s any kind of parenting at all.

None of these tales are indicative of my life so I don't find unconditional love for your DC a problem.

That would be illegal

Much of what you are stating is complete hyperbole and unnecessarily combative. What is the point in being like that, what is it going to solve. The breakdown in communication is not going to be helped by accusations, their problem appears to be no family conversation, so how they help is your combative style to help.

By 'lax' do you mean not neurotic; I don't need other people to agree with me to feel confident in my decisions.

He's a teenager! He's meant to do stuff you don't approve of! And if the worst he does is doom scroll...think yourself lucky!

As for the stealing..."How much money does he have access to? (Whether or not he's got a job, excluding his phone contract etc costs, I mean the money to onto the shop and buy a monster and a Greg's sausage roll on a staurday? Or go to the cinema, or save it up and buy the trendiest, overpriced, ridiculous trainers you ever did see?). He needs some* cash.

I think you've e got this a bit wrong op. I get that you want him to succeed and I get that the phone gets on your nerves. But to have a healthy adult relationship with him in the future you really need to think carefully about how you treat him now. Coz plenty of kids would absolutely walk away, off to uni, settle elsewhere and call you at Christmas if you were lucky, for less worse.

What do you want your relationship with him to look like in 5, 10 years?

@Goldenbear

What is the point in being like that, what is it going to solve. The breakdown in communication is not going to be helped by accusations, their problem appears to be no family conversation, so how they help is your combative style to help. What it’s going to solve is her feeling like she has to keep handing over cash and letting him do whatever he likes, whenever he wants to do it, in case he makes another false police report against her. What it’s going to put a stop to is an entitled 17 year old thinking that he’s in charge and that he gets to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and someone else is going to pay for it. What it’s going to stop is him feeling like he can steal whatever isn’t being given to him. Do you seriously think that sitting him down for a nice chat and asking him why he’s being so awful is going to help? Are you assuming she didn’t try that approach before putting phone rules in place? If he was the sort of teenager who responded to cozy little chats, don’t you think his mother would have worked that out by now and would have taken the far easier route of having said cozy little chat, instead of having the police and social services knocking at her door and frightening the life out of her?

She’s given him freedom. That hasn’t worked; his grades started slipping and he was spending all of his time on his phone. She’s put boundaries in place. That hasn’t worked; he started stealing. She got strict. That didn’t work; he tried to get her arrested and is now walking around like he’s done nothing to be ashamed of and deserves to have his phone paid for, while he can’t be bothered to make his bed.

By 'lax' do you mean not neurotic 😂 No, I absolutely don’t. I mean lazy, ineffective and bloody lucky if you have children in their late teens. Mickey Flanagan describes this style of parenting quite accurately. Are you a fan?

What is the point of this phone restriction? If you are concerned about him spending all his time on his phone then restricting it at night doesn’t help anything. It sounds to me from your posts that you are restricting it just for the sake if making a point. That’s never going to be effective.

If you are concerned about phone use then you need to come up with a more effective restriction and have it for a good understandable reason. You are undermining yourself by having rules for no good reason. And there’s no good reason if there is no aim or purpose, or the rule does not achieve your aim or purpose.

if you are annoyed about having to pay for a phone when he is being rude and stealing from you and reporting you the police,. I would understand that but then I would just take it off him altogether if I felt that appropriate. And I would stop giving him money if you haven’t already. And I would explain that I wouldn’t be funding x y z until he started x y z. I would then follow that rule consistently and fairly, and he could earn money and a paid for phone by better behaviour. Not saying you should do this, but that would be a more logical thing to try.

You seem to be just applying random rules for no good reason and this understandably is doing nothing to improve his behaviour. The rule you have is not working. So change it. You need to do something different to try to get a different response. Parenting teens is complicated and difficult, you need to be flexible and imaginative in your approaches. Not just stuck with one approach that isn’t working.

They can “suddenly start getting disrespectful” as a direct consequence of whatever they’re doing online. He could be, for instance, spending all his time being groomed by Andrew Tate.

The answer probably lies in whatever he’s avidly watching on his phone.