DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

Afraid I agree re the phone use. Totally get why you’re doing it, but it’s leading to much bigger problems. He is old enough now to be accountable for his own education etc. You’ve tried to help by restricting phone use and yet it’s leading to this kind of thing. Why would you insist on carrying on this when so many are advising it’s not a good idea at 17 and it’s clear that this is the cause of some of your issues. Is it because you want to make a point, and not back down? Because you’re at risk of losing your relationship for good now. Take the advice and back right off with that kind of thing.

He is 18, just severed his relationship with mum, good luck to him having anything more given to him by you. You know what to do. Send him to his favourite authorities who will give him a room somewhere where he might not like it and make him sign every week for his social welfare and see who's who then.

on a more serious note, what are you planning to do

Possibly, and this could be a contributing factor

Tell him that he’ll get a criminal record for falsely reporting you to the police. Explain that social services are now involved and he’ll probably have to live with a foster family/children’s home until he’s 18 ( I don’t know the correct term for this home) . Stop all phone payments, wifi, tv etc. Look for other housing for him in any case.

There seems to be more and more entitlement among young people, and many do have the expectation that their parents and the world owe them a comfortable living for no effort on their part.

I am not by any means saying the majority are like this, and I'm sure the majority of teenage children of MNers are sensibly behaved, but many now do seem to feel that they should be allowed to have whatever they want, lie on bed all day & stay up all night on line, be fed and clothed and waited on by parents, be given whatever they want.

For those saying that taking & using items in the house shouldn't be classed as stealing as "everything" in there should be available for household use, have you never owned any personal items that you care about, or anything given to you as a gift that you value? Minor examples of this could be that you buy a younger child a birthday cake, and the day before the birthday the older child takes it out and eats it with their friends having known what it was there for. Or you get bought a piece of jewellery by your partner as a love token which vanishes into your daughter's collection never to be seen again. Or you buy a valuable painting to hang in the living room, and a teen takes it into their bedroom to use as a dart board. In this case the phone that was taken was clearly a personal item, and also something presumably important for the OPs business thereby potentially reducing her ability to do her job. She didn't say borrowed, but taken.

And I would guess that the OP and her husband have tried talking to her son, tried to ask them to do things etc, and just been met with either silence or a shrug. Or possibly verbal abuse.

Just say no to any requests for extra money, he made his bed now he can lie on it. He can do his worst regarding the police he presumably has no proof of any abuse. And now you can counter claim blackmail.

Do you know anything about child development or indeed the impact of a parental choices on the actions of children and teens, surely you know that as a social worker? You are talking about the teen like he is a lodger and a strange man that has sprung this upon them. He is a young man but one that has his phone taken away at 10pm so this certainly means that he has no social life as he has to go to bed, do you honestly think that is a regular and normal approach to someone who is nearly a man as you point out? How can he possibly be a man when treated like an infant?

My judgemental comments, have you looked at your own sweeping statements about her eldest child, the 'man' you have judged him to be completely in the wrong and yet he is still a child according to the law, do parents have no responsibility in your world then? No moral duty to their offspring? Once they are 18 out on their own, What's that going to do for society? Does that end well? You say I only have experience of my teenagers but I don't, I have experience of all their friends, my nieces and nephews and no, I don't know any with these kind of problems. Anecdotally, it is always the struct parents at the kids junior school's with the naughtiest kids! Shouted at, the child's fault all the time- I wouldn't know if that is the OP but the reality is the 10 o'clock phone curfews, the rules are just not age appropriate. I don't think you should chuck your DC out unless it was life threatening.

I agree with @EuclidianGeometryFan keep about talking to him about his future plans and how he’s going to achieve them. He plans to go to university so he needs to pull up his grades from September or he may not have the choices that he’s hoping for. Emphasize what he’ll be able to do when he goes to university, all the opportunities that will open up-socially, the clubs, etc. as well as academically.

We talk to DS (17 later this year) about what he’s planning to do and he's cottoned on that wasting time on his phone isn’t worth risking his grades. We’re lucky that DD (20) is already at uni and he hears what she’s doing so he’s looking forward to going.

'go thieving" ? Interesting expression.

Did he steal the phone because he hasn't got one past 10? Does he have any money, we don't know as it is just left out of the picture.

So you take the phone off him at 10 and he goes out all the time, so without his phone? And yet at the same time, just stays in his room all night, which one is it? Where does he get money from to go out?

Is he not doing well at his A levels because of ability or because he's not interested? Thee is literally no point in going to uni if you aren't interested in your A levels. Did he do well at GCSES what are you basing these prospects on as tbh if he is just going to feel like a perpetual failure if he isn't capable?

Someone I know had problems with their 16 year old. He left home and lived in a House of Multiple Occupation (HMO). He found it very hard during Covid but was supported by relatives and family. Good bloke now and learnt a very hard lesson. Very appreciative of everything and a good job with prospects.

Put him out of the home Tonight. Never let him back until he has repented. Full stop. I have no sympathy with anyone who lets their grown up (over 16s) run riot. Why are parents not doing their job? Your role as a parent is to educate and instill appropriate behaviour in your offspring.

Because if the OP leaves him with no money at all, and he doesn't have a job, how will that help the situation?
He would likely just steal from OP again.

The goal is to de-escalate the situation and focus on DS moving out. That goal is not helped by deliberately leaving DS with no money.
Of course the pocket money should be minimal, much less than he would get by working a part-time job, but enough for e.g. bus fares and a bit of socialising at a burger place.

@Goldenbear I’m sure that the OP will respond, but I know from DS that he and many of his friends procrastinate by scrolling on their phones! We’ve had a few incidences of him doing this, starting his homework late at night, and then being exhausted the next day for school.

Luckily he’s realized that it’s not a good idea and can affect the quality of his work. I have a feeling that the OP’s DS may be doing this, hence the ban on phones at 10.

That's absolutely valid if it's the case.

Hopefully OP is aware of his academic acumen and isn't setting unrealistic expectations. She does seem to indicate that his grades suffering coincided with him staying up late scrolling.

Taking things without permission, stealing, thieving - it all amounts to the same thing. He is a thief. I suppose you could take the soft approach and treat him with kid gloves and when he thinks he can get away with it he might go one step further and end up with a criminal record. What’s sort of future is that? He needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions. Sometimes tough love is needed.

He is SEVENTEEN! He can get a part time job at McDonald's and pay for his own phone and pocket money.

The point of disciplining him at that age isn't to punish him by taking his toys/playtime away, its to teach him responsibility. That he can't just take, take, take without giving something back.

My parents very generously gave me an allowance and paid for my clothes, etc until I left home at 19, but the conditions once I hit 16 were that I stayed in college, held down a part time job and did my share of household chores.

What his mum is asking for isn't unreasonable - Study hard for the next few months and do some chores in the house. This is the absolute bare minimum I'd expect from a 17 year old. What other consequences are there than taking his privileges away?

He is abusing you by how he is making you feel.
Tell him to leave not ask tell him you don't deserve that treatment whatsoever.

For goodness sake, are you for real!

He underperformed in his GCSEs because he prioritised spending time on his phone instead of actually getting on with studying and it seems he still hasn’t learnt his lesson.

He has chosen to aim for uni because he wants to. I don’t mind if goes or doesn’t go as long as he is working or studying, it’s up to him.

For the people saying kick him out its not that simple

If op does that social services will make contact. Ask why op will say because he stole an item from her. Ds doest like having his phone taken taken at 10pm or follow basic home rules. Social services will say this is petty look after your son you have parental responsibility.

Or they may not bother with the above and put him in supported accommodation which is basically a small hostel with 24hr staff and a key worker.

Or op kick him out when hes 18 once no one has a duty of care to him. And he ends up street homeless . Thats unless he had money for a deposited for a house share. And a way to pay the rent.

Yes this was the aim!

I don't get all these people who think it's somehow outrageous to restrict a 17 year old's phone usage. He wouldn't even have a phone if OP didn't pay for it, and it's literally her job to try to encourage him to concentrate on his A levels rather than wasting hours playing with a phone. Since when did it somehow become a sacred human right for children to have access to a phone?

He has the freedom to see him friends and go out and he does so. But when he doesn’t go out and stays at home, he spends all of his time in his room scrolling. When I say go out, it’s more he goes to his friends house and just uses their WiFi.

He generally comes home for around 10 anyway and him staying out later isn’t an issue between us