DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

You seem to be just applying random rules for no good reason

OP has said repeatedly that her son is spending the time he should be studying and sleeping on his phone, and his education is suffering as a result.

How is limiting phone use from 10pm-6am to combat that a 'random rule'? It seems like a very specific and targeted rule to me shrugs

Is there another relative he can go and stay with for a while?

I seriously can’t believe you are removing an almost 18 year olds phone from them at 10pm. He probably feels suffocated. As another poster said, you are treating him like a child while expecting him to behave like an adult. That does not work. He is probably extremely confused.

removing an almost adults phone from them is not how to prepare someone for adulthood. I have an 18 year old. It’s a confusing time for them as it is, trying to find where they fit in. Stop treating him like a child and he might start acting like the adult you are expecting him to

Assuming this is all true / taking it at face value:

Write him a letter outlining how upset and disappointed you are.
Advise that you will no longer be paying for anything aside from food and the roof over his head from now on.
Insist on a full apology and to retract the police claims - otherwise tell him he will need to find a new place to live when he turns 18.

Actions have consequences and he needs to learn them now.

Are you sure your 18yo isnt on the spectrum- the fact he reported you to the police and then acts casual as if nothing has happened screams of ASD.

I always thought it was better to kick them out before 18, because then they’ll be housed in supported youth housing such as YMCA, and eventually supported in finding own accommodation or council flat. Whereas that isn’t guaranteed once 18 and could end up on streets?

I think it’s kinder to everyone to kick him out now…. Tell him you no longer feel you and your younger child are safe, and he has to leave in the morning and he can go to the council. Point blank refuse to have him ‘even for a little bit’. They WILL find him accommodation but they try to manipulate people so they don’t have to do it. Just confirm yes I’ve kicked him out, he is not welcome back and refuse to talk to them about it further/ hang up.

Oh, bollocks to this. I’m assuming the OP is paying for the phone? And he’s doing qualifications the success of which determine whether he becomes self-sufficient or not?

This isn’t like learning to cook or manage a spreadsheet. The kid will be quite capable of web-surfing on his phone until 3am without having it scaffolded for him. Living in your parents house while a minor involves ground rules.

A couple of years ago I might have agreed with this and I’m certainly all about treating kids to be as self-sufficient as they can be within age-appropriate parameters. But phones are a menace, and we’re only just beginning to understand how much.

So at 10pm you physically remove the phone from him?
I have to say, I have very little sympathy from the tone of your posts. Comments like, ‘he doesn’t respect my home’. Is it not his home too? Or going on about when he moves out at 18 and can use his phone as much as he likes. I mean, will the clock tick over at midnight on his 18th birthday and you’ll be kicking him straight out the door?
Maybe the reason you’re so fearful about him going to the police and social services being involved is because there is some truth to his allegations.

It’s because on mumsnet there is a weird mindset that he is an ‘adult’ and as such can do what he likes.

There will always be rules here around night and bedtime (as I want to sleep not be kept awake all night by devices, lights and people moving round the house) the benefit of being an adult is that if you don’t like it you have the choice of moving out.

OP I really doubt you have anything to worry about - other than his behaviour.

No he has to put the phone away downstairs I don’t go and physically manhandle the phone from him. Sometimes he refuses and I just let it go. Other times he does he does put it away- it’s different everyday. To be fair it’s a rule he complies with 90% of the time and acknowledges it’s for his own good so he can get to sleep when he’s ready to.

No if he doesn’t respect the home so I won’t call it his home!

No I will tell him that he needs to move out and give him notice.

No not on the spectrum.
I think the treason for him acting normal is he just thinks the issue will go away if he just acts like it’s no big deal.

Yes I agree nobody knows the full effect yet of constantly being on a phone/device.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo says nothing about her husband's role in this. Does he not support her. That's a huge problem if not.

'I always thought it was better to kick them out before 18.......kinder for everyone'.
And MN is supposed to be a parenting forum.

The op seems unwilling to e en entertain or reflect on the idea that her parenting might be a part of the problem. Very telling in itself!

Erm he is still her child too. What do you mean you always kicked your kids out before 18- what kind of messed up parent are you, be a parent and you help your kids find accomodation or their own home not the council.

Yes, there's clearly a lot more going on here than OP is sharing. I think this kid has had a hard time with inconsistent and unreasonable parenting and is reacting to that.

It's not about the 'kid' being capable of using a phone, it's the idea that a parent of an almost 18 year old, an 18 year old, has to micro manage their lives in this way. I have an 18 year old and and he is running his life and tells me where he is going, when he won't be back for dinner as eating with girlfriend, what temporary jobs he is applying for etc. - we (DH and I) are spectators in his life now, we aren't the managers!

When he was recently studying for his A level exams, he chose to put the phone in his room and study in our office, his self discipline is down to him and you have no hope of producing a fully rounded adult who can function for themselves, when you do all the thinking for them!

Full sympathies, OP. This reminds me of my 10 y.o. DS who is upset he doesn't have a game console as "everybody in his class has it". I'm shocked how many parents are encouraging this entitled behaviour in children. School doesn't help either as they do as little education as they can escape with. I am starting to think this is the country's problem, especially when you look at the NEETs' statistics. Is a phone some kind of teenagers' holy right? No, because the parent pays for it. Come on, people, he can buy his own cheap phone and pay his own bill. I pay as little as 8 quid per month for my own. But he is so entitled that he thinks nothing of reporting his mom so police and possible repercussions. It's ridiculous anybody here supports this behaviour. The level of teenagers' mollicoddling has reached crazy hights in the UK, it seems. This is just creating big social problems later down the line. No wonder young people are too lazy too work these days - they think they have a holy right to just sit on their backsides and be provided everything free of charge.

I don't the impression the OP's son is not open to a conversation, he hands over the phone dutifully at 10pm FFS, the OP themselves said in response to me asking whether he goes out that he is always back before 10pm and that they don't have issues with staying out. For a start, it says a lot about the OP that she thinks staying out past 10 when you are nearly 18 is automatically a problem but also the OP's son sounds pretty obliging and ridiculously controlled. From the OP's posts I don't get the impression that she chats to him at all, the Dad doesn't appear to do anything? Where have you got the idea that they have talked about anything? "Cosy chats" you make it sound like this 18 year old who hands his phone over at 10 with no argument, gets in every night before 10 as and sits in his room all night is a Rebel without a Cause! If he sits in his room all night how has that come about, did they not notice a pattern forming when he was younger.

I am not a fan of micromanaging my children whatever age but would think is failed if I had to do that for my 18 year old. I mean my 18 year old chats to me lucidly about Politics, the Economy, he eats with us, he cooks for us, he has a long term girlfriend, he is off to Europe the whole summer to undertake a foreign language course at a world leading university, he is predicted very high grades and has had all offers for RG unis. If that's 'lax' parenting, I'll go with it thanks!

Yes that is the case. I done it with my son. My son was in a small hostel i think theres 14 rooms . There's staff 24hrs a communal kitchen. Communal social area. There's room checks welfare checks. And support given. No drugs or anything like that .

After that they go into semi independent. And yes agree social services/housing will try really hard to get him back into the house.

That poster was making that suggestion so the 18 year old does not end up street homeless . Since op said shes kicking him out as soon as hes 18. Doing it a few months earlier could help him not to end up in the streets. If op is happy to help him find accommodation help with deposit etc thats different. But this poster is trying to help him not to end up street homeless.

What kind of a parent would even consider letting their child be homeless? Are there no morals and values in the UK anymore where, just because he turns 18 dosent mean a maternal love and care should end that day- or is there any? The young mans younger brother has sen- i could bet one of the disabilities the younger brother has is autism because the stunt the older brother pulls is a leaf out of autistic persons book. I am surprised the mother hasnt realised that while shes concerned about the younger sibling the older has gone through his childhood with no help,understanding and misunderstood who now she thinks she should kick out- kick out where, there are people working full time who barely make ends meet. British parenting standards suck, parent shift their kids off asap and expect the government and taxpayers to pick up their slack

The OP needs to move on from the police thing, understand that nearly at 18 micro managing nearly an adults phone is pointless and get on with things that matter,like getting the young man on ASD assessment pathway so later on in his life he can access extra help if he gets diagnosed. With autism there will be othrr conditions that likely affect him- was difficulties with learning not mentioned? Also adhd,depression,higher su*de risk, etc. While great that younger childs difficulties are recognized the eldest needs help not kicking out

Why talk about unconditional parental love if you have not been abused by a near adult child then?
In the context of the thread, your comment would appear to condone the theory that unconditional parental love means tolerating abuse just because one is the parent of the abuser.
And those who do not are not good parents.