DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

I doubt SS will do anything. They'll ask what the problem is but I have a feeling you can't become a child in care so close to 18 so all they could do is see if there's a place in a hostel if you refuse to have him at home. Ours is rife with drugs and criminals. He won't have any priority on the housing register.

He sounds immature and lacks gratitude but if it were me I wouldn't want my ds in a hostel. I'd change the ground rules. Let him do what he likes with his phone but he has to get a job for his pocket money and he can have some set expectations round the house. Eg make a meal one day a week, vacuum his room weekly, change his bedding, empty the dishwasher every day.

Teach him how to survive in the outside world. Help him get on a career path so that he can survive without you.

Sorry. Crossed posts- didn't see your update.

And his first thought was to involve the police?

What a little shit.

This is her son you are talking about. Have a little empathy towards her and her son. She's having a difficult time.

So the thief complained about you. Could his other parent house him?

@Terrribletwos a very common teen threat and action when they don’t get to do as they please.

I don’t think you should restrict his phone usage at almost 18. That ship has sailed.

What other stuff does he feel is ‘restricting his freedom’?

Thanks for that.. Ah really, that's a bit sad and concerning
I guess I am out of touch. My boys were a nightmare in their teenage years and I often felt out of their control so I can empathise but they never threatened to call the police. Must be a new thing.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo massive squishes. At 17 I reached breaking point with my youngest. His behaviour in and out of the home was unacceptable and he was bringing a lot of trouble to our doorstep. We’d had years of escalating behaviour, interventions, allegations, support begged for support etc. in the end I had to ask him to leave and I found a scheme in my area that housed under 25s that were at risk of homelessness.

he was out of my house for about 6 months but it was the shock to the system he needed.

I still love him to bits and he’s now 24 and still at home but our relationship is so different as is he.

he admits without me standing my ground things would have continued to get worse.

they need to know boundaries and that their behaviour has consequences.

we may always love them but we might not always like the people they are and that’s understandable. I’d work with social services etc and ask for help rehoming him in temporary accommodations or something.

good luck.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo "The escalation occurred because I was trying to enforce the rules, and he didn't take too kindly to it, to say the least"

this sentence concerns me

Was he violent in any way?

It sounds to me like he's ready for more responsibility and that you are free to do more for yourself. You could be busy yourself or not in the house. Tell him what you're doing. Tell him you are going out to work/ running some errand/doing something specific for yourself like getting your hair done etc. it's amazing how they sharpen up when mom isn't there. You could spend the time recuperating in a cafe if you like. It sounds like he can't take responsibility for the situation at the moment, so you may need to take the lead. Without arguing. Just do something different yourself. Don't be available to be argued with, so he'll have to do something different instead! Things will keep changing as time goes on as they always do. He'll be working and living elsewhere in no time!

I’m sorry but this wouldn’t be okay. There’s a serious issue here and it’s normal to pretend like everything is okay.

Tell him to tell the truth and give him one fonal
warning - if he ever does this again, tell him to go to the police and ask them to find him somewhere to live.

I wouldn't worry too much about social services. Just give a basic explanation of the situation and they'll be on they're way. They are just doing it because it's their job and they are required to follow up with these things. At least everyone is ok and not in bigger trouble. This is another phase. You got this 💪

I'm sure the police (like most adults) will be able to see through to the truth.

However, if your DS is so keen to have his freedom, I'd give it to him. Find another living situation for him as soon as possible, and I wouldn't be waiting until he was 18 after this stunt. You have your younger son to focus on, and you don't need this kind of grief from your eldest.

The best thing you can do for him is not give in to any demands. Let him know he has done something absolutely awful which puts his younger sibling at risk of being removed from your care which would cause them huge amounts of distress and for that reason you will not be giving him any money at all. I'd let go of the phone restrictions. If he doesn't do his chores I would tell him he will have to wash his own clothes and make his own meals. I would be completely open with the police and social services about what you are doing. Tell them you are doing it because you will not be manipulated by a near adult and you will be encouraging him to stand on his own two feet as you want him out of the house as soon as he is 18 because your not willing to risk having your youngest child's stability threatened by him. I am a social worker and I would completely accept this, he is a near adult, you need to prioritise your 11yo disabled child.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing by restricting his phone use when he's almost 18. You're just making mine harder for yourself. I doubt that any of his friends will have that kind of restriction.

But that said, things are clearly serious when he's calling the police over such stuff. And I'd expect some kind of trade with regards to the way he treats you, if you're going to loosen the phone rule.

How is he with his sibling?

If SS do contact you, tell them why he went to the police and his demands have been afterwards.
I would tell son, he is free to ask SS to find a foster home for him. That as soon as he is 18, he will have to move out because you can’t live with his behaviour.

You need to stop paying for his phone asap. Cancel whatever contract it’s on pay the penalty and if he wants to use his phone he’ll have to pay for data. Change you WiFi password as well.

If you are violent and restricting his movement he should leave and present himself
as as homeless to the council.

Tell ss you want him out now. Their responsibility to rehouse him.

Not using his phone after 10pm at 17 years old? Wow. Good luck with that. Pick your battles, I say.

Anyway, if it's untrue that you were violent towards him and he maliciously told the police that to punish you for putting boundaries in place at home, then he needs to understand the seriousness of what he's done and the repercussions he has unleashed on you. Therefore the repercussions on him are that if he doesn't retract his accusation immediately then he will have to move out immediately. Where he goes and how he funds it is entirely up to him, but presumably he wouldn't want to stay in the house with a violent and abusive parent anyway, would he?

As for phone top ups, he can forget it.

I would agree with this. His behaviour is appalling, don't get me wrong.

But at 18 I would not be expecting to control his phone usage, or when he leaves the house.

He has tighter restrictions on his screen time than my 15 year old.

No it's not, I have a late teen with friends that age, nephews in late teens none would threaten to call the police on their parents. But equally, I don't restrict my 18 year old's phone and he does help around the house as he thinks it is the right thing to do. I've just come back from a pub lunch with him, why all the infantalising of your son OP?

You are a social worker advising to make a 17 year old homeless, wow what compassion!

The cheeky dumb little idiot. He has been watching too much Netflix if he thinks he can do that and then think you would be fine with it. DO NOT give him any money or top up his phone if he wants to be a big boy. Let him go and live on his own if he knows everything.
😡on your behalf