DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

The op isn’t experiencing your 18years behaviour that’s why she’s tried to lay down some rules. Sleep deprivation is a problem in school kids due to phone use during the night. The op is trying to help your son.

I see where you are coming from but regardless of what anyone thinks no one on MN can make op to keep her child at home once hes 18. A few months wont make a massive difference but it could help him gain housing if that's whats needed. Morales does not keep him of the streets if op decides to kick him out . Having said that op could be talking in anger and not kick him out once hes 18.

Im coming from a different angle in thinking that if op is going to kick him out at least put him in a position where he has some type of accommodation and not street homeless where anything could happen . If he was in accommodation he would get support.

Although my personal opinion is the reasons to kick him out do seem petty. And maybe op is talking in anger and may feel different in a day or so

This is a 17 year old who is in school/college as OP mentioned his grades declining.

Clearly there is an issue here, but that will not be solved by kicking an in-education kid out on his birthday.

OP, what does his dad think about DS's behaviour and actions?

Before this incident, what were your expectations for DS - where he would live, what he would do after finishing school/college - once he reached 18?

OP, I was in a very similar situation with my eldest, actually quite a bit worse. As regards phone usage, I wouldn't consider that a battle worth having, I understand why you do, but it's such a flash point for you. I told my son that he needed to get a part time time job to fund his phone when he was 18, which he did.

My son threatened us with the police many times, I told him he was free to do as he pleased, but he wouldn't be coming home. It seemed to put him off. He was about the same age as your son.

I would labour the point that although you love him, and always will, he cannot treat you the way he does and will be expected to leave 2 weeks after his 18th birthday as you will not be legally responsible for him anymore. Stay calm and tell him you will not abandon him, and will help him find a place of his own. I would also tell him that he is of course free to contact the police again if he feels aggrieved, but that he won't be allowed home as he's risking social services being involved with your other son, and that can't happen. Social services will not be remotely interested in you kicking him out, he's too old now, they are literally hot air and no action, for any child over 13 (my friend begged SS for help with her 15 year old son and got none). It seems the situation has to be literally life threatening for SS to take action.

I get that you want your son to succeed in life, who doesn't? It's what loving, decent parents want for their kids, but sometimes you have to let that go and let them make their own mistakes. You have value too, and you deserve some peace, as does your partner and younger son.

My son has calmed down massively, is working and I see flashes of a decent human being shine though more and more, where as before I never saw anything decent in him. He's 19, the absolute worst times were 16-17.

Your son will grow up eventually, and hopefully realise what he put you through.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's shit.

What? I’ve never kicked any of my kids out, but if you’re planning to they get more support if they’re a few months shy off 18 vs 18. If I were planning to kick a child out, I’d want them to have more support.
That is what I’ve heard anyway.

Your one unreasonable here is asking a nearly 18 year old not to use his phone after 10pm (unless it’s disturbing anyone else).

Your totally right.

Nobody should tolerate abuse, do you work for the Sun with that sensationalist bollox. It isn't clear to me why the son has reported his Mum or parents to the Police, in fact the whole thing is very opaque, the OP appears to barely know and her husband, the Dad appears to have no involvement at all in the situation. I don't know how you can draw the conclusions you have a d make quite hefty allegations of abuse.

"Unconditional love" is a somewhat woolly term. Loving someone doesn't mean letting them get away with whatever they want & spoiling them rotten 24/7, that's not parenting. Parenting should mean not just caring for children & making sure they are fed, clothed, looked after & loved, but also prepare them for adulthood and for when you aren't going to be there to pick up all their bills and act like a personal maid to them. Part of the job of a parent is to educate the children that certain behaviours have consequences in life, both good and bad.

And is there a limit to this "unconditional love"? Unconditional love and understanding when they have a party & completely destroy the home? Unconditional when they take everything not nailed down & sell it to fuel their drug habit? Unconditional love when they assault you in your own home because you won't give them the last of the food budget for the household, & you end up in hospital? Yes these are extremes, but some of the posts above seem to suggest not just continuing to love them but to accept and tolerate all their behaviour to the detriment of any others.

It's a pretty hideous thing for a child to make something up like this to the authorities . I knew someone who did this about a parent as a much younger child, and I often wonder how she was able to justify it in her mind. The parent never forgave her. Not that I'm suggesting that the OP does this with her son. But I don't think setting a few boundaries and house rules about pleasant and respectful behaviour can do much harm. He will move out and sofa surf at a mates if he doesn't like it I guess. But I do think the OP is possibly being unnecessarily strict about the phone use.

I don't know if that's the situation the OP faces, he obliging hands his phone in at 10pm and gets in every night before 10pm, the OP said no physical abuse and it isn't clear at all what all this is about as she won't ask him. The husband sounds like he has checked out of fatherhood. Maybe all of these methods the OP use are micro managing, completely stifling and inappropriate for an almost 18 year old. Being so obliging in offering the phone suggests he's not exactly wild so was this Police thing about desperation as he has no autonomy, no control over his own life and he is nearly 18.

Do you think that parents have any responsibility for bringing up their children to be respectful towards them? Bringing up children also requires strong moral guidance, they qre the child you are the adult the power dynamic and influence is very much in a parent's favour for a long time, do you agree?

Obligingly not "obliging".

It is an awful thing to do but the story lacks detail as far as I'm concerned. The father has not been mentioned, the son does as he is told with regards to the phone handing in and not going out past 10, it doesn't suggest a wild kid as they would never do as they were told in this way so what is the backstory with the son?

Thinking about it I wounder if this is more common than people think. I dont mean typically common. But just like than people think.

My ds used to call social services alot. I didn't worry that he was doing that though. I told him he had a right to do that if he felt he needed to. But he used to grass himself up and admit to everything he was doing. They used to call me to touch base really.

It isn't common amongst the people we know that age and at the moment we are in that parenting stage and Auntie stage.

That said, I suppose nobody is going to broadcast this so possibly. Who knows. I think I don't have the level of self control the OP has as I would be asking why the hell he would do such a thing.

I agree. I did get a bit confused when op said he puts the phone away at 10pm 90% of the time. And the not being out after 10pm seems like he does accept rules. And not running wild.

My 2 oldest kids would not really question the rules of what time to be home. Rules around phones etc. My now 15 year old is good with it to . My now 18 year old not a hope in hell he was the complete opposite to his siblings. I basically had no control. Does not sound like op son is like that.

I wasn't referring specifically to the OP's situation in that post, more questioning the other posters who were talking about unconditional love, and implying that she should let the son get away with whatever he wants.

I get the impression that they have talked to him in the past, hence why he seems to understand why they've said no phone after 10pm and hands it in voluntarily (most evenings). But equally the threatening to go to the police again if she doesn't give him more phone top ups or more money sounds manipulative rather than the desperation some pp are suggesting above.

I know how some young people can be influenced by what others say or post on line, and threatening to go to the police or social services is often suggested as a way of them getting their own way about the house - you suddenly see a load of teens connected on line or in person suddenly acting in similar ways after one has got away with it and passes what to do on to the others.

Dad is fully on board and very involved snd present at home. The plan was to encourage my DS to do as well as he could for a-levels and then go to uni. Before this incident occurred, the plan was to prepare him for independent living once he moves to uni.

Dear op, your son is already criminally failing. Stealing, lying, internet addiction < and you don't know what he's watching also>, false accusations to the authorities.....

He must hate his family to do this. For whatever reason. Brace yourself because he's already on a down spiral.

How do you handle it?

Kick the disloyal little prick out!

Before this incident occurred, the plan was to prepare him for independent living once he moves to uni.

You don't sound like you are talking about your teenage child, more like an animal in training.

What on earth has his parenting been like before this "incident"? Preparing to live an independent life isn't something you do at 17.

Surely by the time someone is 17 and looking towards going to university within a year or so, they need to be learning about independent living? They will need to know how to cook, clean, wash clothing, budget etc as they will most likely not be living at home. They will also need to understand about co-habiting with others, as a student loan won't be enough to allow them to live in their own personal property.

Exactly, @Allergictoironing, most of that starts way before 17. Whereas OP says they were about to start.

The clearest example we have of this kid's parenting is the age-inappropriate attempts to control phone use after 10pm. It doesn't sound like he has had a good guidance or support to provide a launching pad.

When my kids were still in sixth form, rule was that the phones were out of the bedrooms by 10pm. They didn’t like it either. But that was the rule. It’s not healthy for them to have that constant distraction and they’re on it till the small hours if it’s there. Not good for sleep, not good for school the next day.

He’s got some balls though hasn’t he?! I think I’d respond to something like that by stopping paying for the phone (unless it’s in contract, in which case you’d have to get it off him somehow).