DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

DS has been taught how to do chores, pay for bills, prepare meals, clean and tidy and can do all of those things but refuses to do so without a battle.

i have a lot of love for DS and he has had a happy steady home. He has had lots of attention and love from both parents. we have lots of one and one time but all to no avail.

Good advice thanks. This is what my head is telling me to do but my heart is saying he needs to go as his behaviour is unacceptable.

Going to the police is definitely a overreaction to what is going on- based purely on what you have told us. However, the 'fear' you have about the situation is concerning to me, if it is really him being spiteful and you have nothing to hide, why are you so worried about SS?

Dont give in with money, but perhaps he does need more freedom.

I do understand that its your house your rules, but restricting phone access is not appropriate for an almost adult.

Was he grounded as well? Hence the sneaking out to police part? Again, unrealistic for a 17yr old.

It sounds like your boundaries/consequences for an almost 18 year may be unrealistic, and you're treating him like a 13 year old. Thats not preparing him for adulthood.

You literally know nothing about the son other than what the OP has described and what they have described sounds draconian and they sound like the aon is an adversary. The person being discussed is not yet 18, he is not a random man (nice way to minimise moral responsibilities there) he is her eldest child. Calling the police on your parents over phone usage is not common at all, having social services involved in your life is not common at all. If you are a social worker don't you have any concerns about an 18 year old being chucked on to the streets. Surely, taking ti your child might be a start!!

Thanks very much. My other DS is very much my main concern right now

Stop paying for his phone for starters, if he wants freedom from parental rules fine, but that also includes freedom from parental benefits such as a phone paid for, food bought and cooked, washing done etc..

Change the WiFi password, and tell him he doesn't get to use what you pay for and make false accusations to the police.

Dony shout, just state the fact and walk away. Film on your phone if you need to.

I'd be telling child services to set him up in a room somewhere if he went to the police and lied like that. Living at home would no longer be an option.

My youngest is very close in age to your DS. I can’t imagine ever having a conversation with them about phone usage. They know that phone usage at night can equate to low grades, there comes a point where you accept that they make their own decisions.

Do you know what his plans are after his course?

Does he have a job? It sounds as though you need a discussion about not being able to give anymore handouts and now it’s the Summer, it’s an excellent time to get a job. What skills does he have? Does he have retail experience or catering?

Yes I agree. The threat to my other DS (however small it may be right now) is is my eyes unforgivable and my elder DS is using it as a tool to his advantage.

FWIW, I helped my 18 year old who was very difficult move out - she got a full time job and I helped her with the deposit. She eventually moved back home, but her moving out was the best possible thing for our relationship.

The key thing is your son needs some independence, and you need to step away from a battle of wills that you cannot win.

I had one like this and one the complete opposite. He had to make every mistake for himself and refused to learn or listen to anyone. Would make up lies to manipulate people and when they saw through it would treat them like trash cos he couldn’t get away with it anymore. Teenage years and through into early 20’s was horrendous. I understand the restrictions you put in place were to help him and cos you’re worried bout his grades but you might have to accept that he isn’t going to do well in school and trying to force him to care isn’t having the results you want. You do need to sit down and see why he’s acting the way he is. Is he scared about the future? What does he want to do with his life? Does he need to talk to someone outside the family. Make it clear he does not get to make demands of you and will get back what he puts into the family. Good luck.

I asked before, but do you think he is involved with drug gangs? He may be getting threatened by them..

What has he stolen? Why won't you say?

Also, odd the you refer to the phone as yours, doesn't he get gifts, why is the phone yours?

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo

Do you have any concerns or worries about your DS using substances, such as cannabis?

The quite extreme response of going to the police as a reaction to you not giving money, the stealing and also demands for the phone top ups, could be possible indicators that he may owe somebody some money. Coupled with the not returning or sneaking out.

He may be going to more extreme responses, because there is something or somebody that he is worried about.

Of course this could be a teen pushing the boundaries well and truly, and trying to navigate his way to adulthood, but on the other side there are some potential indicators for concern.

Are these behaviours relatively new, or a long running theme of his teens?

SS involvement would not necessarily be a bad thing, even if it was just catch up, they could offer signposting and advice. If there are concerns around the use of substances there are teams that can help.

Kick him out. He doesn’t deserve you and maybe he will learn his lesson that he can’t make up bs.

Where's he going to go?

Are you a teenager? Is it really so hard for you to understand that an 11 year old disabled child does need to be prioritised over a 17 year old who is making false allegations.
No, as a social worker I don't have concerns about a 17 year old being thrown out on to the streets because it wouldn't happen. They would be accommodated by social services, they will be listened to and will be given support by professionals. Social services will also expect OP to act in the best interests of her vulnerable child (that's the 11 year old disabled child, most adults wouldn't need that clarified but you might).

Yes his behaviour is unacceptable - but that is often normal for "difficult" teenagers. It is practically their job description to be 'unacceptable'.

There comes a point for some families where the line is crossed and the parent has to ask SS to remove the teenager. This is usually for extreme things like violence or bringing drug-dealing into the house.
Going to the police to complain about his mum is pretty stupid, and stealing from you is very bad, but I don't think it warrants you getting him removed (leaving aside the issue that SS would not do anything anyway, he is too old and they are too overstretched).

There are posters here saying things like cancel his phone contract, don't give him any money, stop the wi-fi, etc.
I think this would just inflame the situation and not help you.

Instead, treat him gently and respectfully, but treat him like a lodger. He is moving away from being "in the family" to being independent.
Except of course you still have to pay for him and give him pocket money until he is earning (or has a student loan, or is eligible to claim benefits as unemployed).

Keep your eye on the end goal - he should move out ASAP, whether going to uni or into a shared private rental. You need to help make this happen.

In the kindest way op, he is nearly 18 and you are parenting him like a 12 year old.Not the chores, everyone should be doing that.butpreventing him from using his phone after 10 pm for example, that is controlling behaviour. I can sort of see where he is coming from. I think you need to both calm down and talk, if only through a third party, not to apportion blame but to LISTEN to what he has to say!

Kick him out, you don't need to have parental responsibility, parental responsibility for someone whose practically 18 is nuts and its actually far more common than people think to sign teen off. You just say to the council you have reached an impasse and he cannot live together anymore, doesn't have to be anyone's 'fault' or anything just a clash that make home life unsuitable/inhappy for everyone involved.

I was signed off parental responsibility and left at 16 year old, although he will probably have a sharp shock and come crawling back if he is still relying on you and begging you for money on luxuries (going alone under 18 means roughing it and you get no benefits or help).

It doesn't mean you aren't family and can never talk or see each other again either, I found moving out greatly helped our relationship (not being on top of each other, not feeling controlled etc...) and would go back and stay for a few weeks occasionally if things got too much.

You are determined to make life difficult for yourself. The phone thing is not the hill you should be choosing to die on. Absolutely no-one on this thread agrees with you on this.

At nearly 18, whoever pays the bill, a 10pm phone curfew is simply not reasonable. None of his friends will have this restriction, so him being resentful and angry about this particular rule, is understandable, and will make it that much harder to get him to follow the reasonable ones.

As a pp has said, given how things are, the phone isn't going to make much difference to his grades etc. There's way to much else going on for it to be a significant factor in itself. And relaxing the rule to get him more on board with other things, is likely to help his attitude and help his grades.

At the moment you sounds as stubborn as he does, to be honest.

This all sounds a bit pathetic on both sides - but his excuse is his brain hasn't finished developing yet. I do suspect if he was typing here (only 3 hours left to do it), there would be more to the story. But ultimately you've lost control when you've previously had it. They do grow out of control, as they should, most parents avoid fighting against that loss.

I'd try and spend some time considering things from his perspective and see if you can ease up on him a bit. 'I don't see why he should be on his phone when he doesn't do his chores' is OTT and weird given his age. Imagine having to tell your mates/girlfriend that you can't chat after 10pm as mum says so, when you're nearly 18 😬

When they pay for their own phone they can use it however they choose.

While OP is paying for the phone, internet food, clothes and house, they can impose whatever restrictions they choose.

If OP's son behaves like an adult, I'm sure she'll be willing to treat him like one. If he wants to behave like a naughty child, he can be treated like a naughty child and put up with phone curfews and no pocket money.

Phones are a privilege - If OP's son is screwing up his education because he's up all night on his phone, not studying and going to college tired, she'd be irresponsible not to do something about it.

No I'm not a teenager, I'm a Mother of two teenagers and I have something called an imagination and a brain so I know that the prospects wouldn't be great for any you g person going into that situation. What about your moral obligation to your children, why should the tax payer be shelling out for kids whose parents can't get to grips with parenting teenagers, there is no way on earth I would give up on my teenagers and neither would my parents. Draconian parenting always has this outcome, i.e a failure rate of 100%. It never works and it is always the DC who have the strictest parents that are the worst behaved - funny that!

Will he do chores if you say top ups are dependent on them being done?