DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

Maybe he isn't clever enough and he isn't screwing up anything, maybe he simply can't achieve high grades or even mediocre ones, not everyone can, he shouldn't be made to feel like a failure if he can't get high grades in college subjects.

Imagine having to tell your mates/girlfriend that you can't chat after 10pm as mum says so, when you're nearly 18

Yeah that would be really embarrassing...good job all he'd have to do to avoid it is pull his finger out and act his age!

Or - another option - he could get a job and pay for his own unlimited calls/data GiffGaff SIM with no contract for about 25 quid a month. Few hours a week stacking shelves or flipping Big Macs would more than cover that.

It sounds like - and his parents will likely have to shoulder some of the blame for this - he isn't used to taking/accepting any responsibility for himself/his behavior. Unfortunately he's in a position where he's about to become completely legally responsible for himself and his parents might be chucking him out.

He needs to learn how to play ball sharpish.

If a woman came on here, and said her partner was telling her she could not use her phone after 10pm because he paid the bill and wasn't happy with the amount of chores she was doing / her performance / she was spending too much time scrolling.....

Would you state while he is paying for the phone, internet food, clothes and house, he can impose whatever restrictions he chooses ?

What has he stolen from you? Is it money, jewellery? What? Blood and stone come to mind with this thread!

Yes but your consequence of no phone after 10 is completely disproportionate to the 'crime' of not doing chores.

How does he go out with friends if he's not allowed a phone after 10 or doesn't he go out? Do you let him out the house? Does he have any hobbies? Does he have pocket money or an allowance?

I don't agree that just because a kid is almost 18 that they can do what they want when they want and not contribute to their household. If they move out yes - but if they're in the family home then they have to respect that it is a shared home and that the OP is responsible for that home. It's very easy to say don't give him chores and do this or that instead but that is equally disruptive. He's being a wee dick, let's face it. If he's neglecting himself and his responsibilities because of his phone the idea that she should just let him is fucking insane.

Also paying for clothes, food and a roof over your child's head is exactly what you are supposed to do if you are a parent.

Honest to god, see all the lazy useless men you read about on here every day, this is how they're created - the mental tiptoeing around them.

Can't believe someone has to say this, but - the parent/child relationship and partner/partner relationship are fundamentally different.

It's normal to restrict sweets/TV/phone time for kids, because they don't have the impulse control to do it themselves, or the maturity to see the long term implications of binging on any of these things. Parental responsibility means deciding what's best for your child.

It's not normal to restrict these things in adults, because they're responsible for their own choices.

Congratulations on writing the stupidest comment I've read today!

Exams are long since over. That is not a reason to restrict phone use

Hardly 'insane', but extreme isn't it? Asking to do chores is completely typical, not hanging them done is pretty normal but regularly treating your nearly 18 year old like a 12 year old is setting them up to fail.

I don’t know what he stole, you haven’t said, but I wouldn’t consider my children using or taking anything from the home as stealing, not unless they took it and sold it or something like that! It’s a family home, what’s in it is generally for the whole family. Also at 17 nearly 18 if he has a very early curfew for going out and a phone restriction after 10pm I would consider you as controlling, he’s nearly an adult!

He is a few months off 18, he is not a child!

Does that imagination stretch far enough to see why an 11 year old disabled child should be prioritised? Or to imagine parenting someone other than your own teenagers? Well done to you if they have never done something that puts you in a position where you have to safeguard one over the other but outside your little bubble that does happen.

What would you do in OPs situation? Just roll over and let someone manipulate you by risking the stability of your child? Where is the moral obligation there? Letting him think that he can go in to adulthood causing harm to people who don't give him what he wants isn't good for society is it? Let him take it on to his adult relationships, let him abuse his future partners this way.

Thanks babe.

This person is a few months from 18. And I am afraid the parent/child relationship has to change by this point into one of mutual respect, no matter how much some of you want to continue to exert full control.

OP, you say your DS “took something without permission”, which implies he used it rather than stole it. Did he think it was something he was at liberty to use? Are you being a bit over strict here? Is your DS jealous of his SEN sibling? If you feel that your younger DC is your “priority”, perhaps your older son feels pushed out. I’m not saying that any of what he has done is OK, but have you tried to talk to him, to find out why he sneaked out and went to the police? Is there someone else who could talk to him to find out? You can’t live in an environment where you feel you need to give in to his every demand for fear of what he might do, but neither is it fair for him to feel that the day he is 18, he will be kicked out onto the street. It seems to me that there has been a serious breakdown of communication here - you need to treat him a little more like an adult, and he needs to explain from his side what provoked his behaviour - then you both need to decide what you are going to do to make life tolerable for you in the future. But you do need to listen to your DS without getting angry, because his behaviour will have been prompted by something, and I don't think it would just have been one row - I think there will be more to it.

It isn't normal to not differentiate your parental style when dealing with a young child and young adult, that isn't normal at all and IMO the trajectory of poorly behaved child always corresponds with strictest parents. Teenagers who will never speak to their parents due to fear of being lambasted so sneak around and misbehave.

Is it something to do with him leaving school (presumably he is soon as is 18) and having a younger brother who will be looked after and cared for always whereas he has to go off and fend for himself shortly which is scary but no one can admit that. If he has no plans for his future such as uni then what will he do?
going to the police seems ridiculous and attention seeking to me, also is jeopardising your role as carer for DS2.
I think concentrating on finding a role for his future eg apprenticeship, visiting local college etcetc would be where you all should be focussed.

She is happy for him to have his phone if he does his chores

And she is a parent - she should be controlling him, that is how parents...er...parent.

Controlling means "the power to influence or direct people's behaviour or the course of events" - pretty much the definition of "parenting", we influence/direct our children in giving them boundaries and help them to see what happens when they don't follow house rules.

People misuse so many words these days, "controlling" being one of them.

You need to do this. Just as simple as recording a video on your phone in your hand to catch the audio. Your priority needs to be ensuring you have evidence that this is lies so your other son doesn’t get effected

Agreed. Chuck the ungrateful so and so out.

That's quite the extrapolation there, so without knowing this kid at all, you believe that he is going to go on and abuse people? Wow, are you so open minded when in your position or do you just forget any investigation and say, "that teenager is a badden I tell you, the fully grown adults have no responsibility for anything, social services are here to support you middle aged people with removing this delinquent, your child, from your home into a shitty housing set up or the streets, really don't worry anymore now he has turned 18!" For a start where is all this money coming from, as those support services simply don't exist, the money's gone, it's crap out there, have you not noticed?

I've been pretty clear would I would do, I would speak to him, I would manage to converse with my own son! I would encourage an 18 year old to have a life and I would start by not sending him to bed at 10 pm! I would definitely not let my teenagers manipulate me but they wouldn't anyway as they know that is morally wrong.

Parents need to take responsibility for their children's upbringing, fuck all to do with "Bubbles", more to do with common sense.

Op you say your other son has severe SEN and is non verbal, is he autistic? I'm just wondering if your eldest could possibly be undiagnosed ND. Going to the police because your mum restricts your phone is a very strange thing for a 17 year old to do IMO, and then the behaviour like it's no big deal afterwards - well it all just makes me wonder. It seems like a very emotionally immature response to me, like when as 12 year olds we'd tell our mums we knew the childline number if they told us off. All this behaviour also sounds like a huge cry for attention to me.

The other thing is growing up with a severely disabled sibling can be extremely difficult, my OH did and it had a huge impact on him. Someone here said that of course you should prioritise that child over your 17 year old - what they may not realise is that the 17 may always have felt that their sibling was prioritised over them, and that that may even have been the case. And even though that was through need it is still extremely hard to never feel like you're the priority or that anyone has any real time to concentrate on you. As I said before, all this behaviour sounds like a huge cry for attention to me.

I wouldn't be throwing any kid out on the street especially not my 17 year old who is really struggling even if he is making poor choices. I'd be looking at why he might be behaving in the ways he's behaving and what I can do to help him change his behaviour. I have a 19 year old with mild SEN and I think your oldest son probably needs a lot of time, effort and support putting into him.

So do you have teenagers and you just control them do you, you don't adapt the way you deal with challenges that come up? You just have a blanket approach from 0-18? I don't see my DC as my adversaries, I never have done and guess what they are decent and kind and I can actually talk with them.

Stick to your boundaries and report him for coercive control if he blackmails. Domestic abuse isn’t just between partners.