DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

So why have you not asked your son why he has carrying like nothing has happened, don't you know how to talk to him?

I respect everyone’s point of view but I really disagree with this. When he is 18 and fending for himself then he can go on his phone as much as he likes because he won’t be my responsibility then . For now he is in my house and has to follow the rules.

I think I’m scared of what he may do next as I have a vulnerable DS at home and worried about him making other false allegations.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo

Nope. How do you expect him to be able to love alone at 18 as you have suggested, yet you won't even met him access his own phone at 17.

The whole thing sounds totally bonkers. You have been infantilising him, so I'm not surprised he doesn't know how to behave as an adult (which he will very soon be).

I have never heard of a parent attempting to restrict phone usage at almost 18. It's totally overbearing and inappropriate.

Yes he is nearly an adult so he needs to behave like one. Stealing my things and lying is unacceptable.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo

"which did not seem to be doing much for his mental health"

Do you think he's mentally unwell?

You can't make a 17 year old do anything. If he can't or won't live by the rules of your home you will be on a hiding to nowhere trying to make him, and it'll create colossal amounts of stress for you and your other child. Personally I would withdraw as many demands as possible, and try to reduce conflict between you and him.

And when he's finished his secondary education I would ask him to move out.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo
Your rules seem quite strict. Could he be rebelling against them? And why? Does he hate living there? Does he hate your partner? Have you asked him?

It’s not his phone though. I paid for it and I pay for the top ups and WiFi.

When he pays for his own he can do what he likes!

have you read my posts- I’m trying to prepare him for adulthood but he would rather laze around all day

So legally he's not your responsibility at 18 what about morally? What does his Dad think? Again are both you and your husband/partner just avoiding the elephant in the room, I can't get my head around this. So his behaviour is completely left field and no one mentions wtf is going on, I think there would be a few discussions in my house if this happened.

What do you disagree with? That your phone restrictions are completing over the top.

Not doing chores is not exactly shocker for teens, you guide them to do better but you don't threaten to chuck them out for it.

Why does he want to laze about all day? What are his options? He sounds a bit lost.

There's no need to "live in fear" - SS are well aware that stroppy teens sometimes make false allegations, and if they know that's what he's doing he'll get a ticking-off for wasting their time. If he threatens it again, tell him to go to it; tell him when they come round, you can all have a chat about what housing they will be providing for him in future. Don't be cowed by this crap.

Yes he hates any types of rules. Wants to lie, steal and do as he pleases without any consequence!
I live with DS’s dad. DS doesn’t respect either of us, the house or the rules.

Report him for theft, what did he steal?

what was he accessing on his phone and how did late phone use interfere with the activities of daily living?
doing poorly at school? sleeping in till noon? missing work etc. there could be good reason why a parent moderates a late teen's use of the phone (adhd??)
either way the police have been called and a msg passed onto ss, and till you have a discussion with them regarding behavior/boundaries do NOT give in to his demands.
lying and theft is a solid hard line in my house.
i'd be suggesting he join the military.

What has he stolen?

sounds like he could use a psychiatric evaluation for nd. regardless of school grades i would push for an assessment.

I think there’s more care for your son on this thread than you have for him, OP.

You have had 17 years to prepare him for adulthood. Where did it go wrong? No love for him at all comes across in your posts. You’re asking for advise but are just on the defensive. Obviously you can never be wrong and therein lies your problem.

Does he get on with your partner?

What are you on about, no wonder this country has such a high welfare bill when typical teen behaviour (Wakes up late, doesn't do chores, is lazy) are seen to be in need of psychiatric evaluation. Maybe he's getting poor grades as he simply can't do the work, he hasn't the ability, who knows, it isn't a crime to be non academic.

Slightly better than with me but DS doesn’t listen to him either

What did he steal?

Where does it say make a 17 yo homeless? I said he moves out at 18. Not kick him out on the streets tonight.
What would you do then?
Where's the compassion for an 11 yo disabled child who's life could have been turned upside down due to false allegations? Rather than show remorse the man (nearly 18 isn't a boy) is putting more demands on his parents and having them scared that he will make further allegations which could cause harm to their child. It's awful behaviour.
How far would you go to make sure this man is okay? How much damage would he need to cause to his younger sibling before you say the child in the situation needs to be prioritised?

I want to know this too. I've never heard a reasonable parent describing their DC taking their things without asking as "stealing", it's such a loaded way to describe a child.

I'd record conversations with him, I think. Preferably via indoor cameras.

Ask him outright if he doesn't get what he wants if he is going to go to the Police and tell lies about you again. Also ask him if he realises that his lies could lead to SS removing his brother from the home for protection when he doesn't need protection at all.

It's not submittable in court but after seeing the videos of him admitting to lying, I doubt the Police or SS would push to prosecute anyway.

Cut right back on the rules.
Don't give him chores. Don't restrict his phone use. Don't demand anything of him.
If he is rude, say gently "you are being rude" and then drop it - walk away. Don't engage in arguing.
But at the same time, stop doing things for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't clean his room. Don't cook his meals. Don't insist he eats "with the family".

Help him to do all this himself - when he asks why his clothes are not washed, show him how to use the washing machine.
Give him a shelf in the fridge and a cupboard in the kitchen for his own food, and offer to help him shop and cook.
Give him the choice of going shopping with you for his food, or giving him some cash to go himself. If he blows it all on takeaways and crap snacks, don't bail him out. Let him survive on baked beans and jacket potatoes.
If he "steals" the family food (which he probably will), give him a gentle reminder that he is not supposed to be taking food as he now has his own, but DON'T let it blow up into a big argument.

Over the next few months, keep on asking him about plans for the future - what career does he want to do? Has he got a part-time job yet? Is he going to university or will he be moving into a rented place soon instead?
These conversations should gently suggest to him that he needs to start planning his future as he will be moving out soon.