DS went to police

[totallylostanddontknowwhattodo]

My DS is nearly 18, hence posting in this group. We got into an argument about him taking something of mine without permission. He sneaked out of the house and went to the police and made false accusations that I was restricting his freedom and that I had been violent to him on one occasion.

He is now home and I have been reported to social services by the police. DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc. However, I feel totally lost as I feel as though unless I give in to what he wants, he will just go and report me again for continued abuse.

How should I handle the situation while I still have parental responsibility for him?

If he feels so hard by he can approach the council for a joint housing and ss assessment for semi independent living and tell them this when they call you.🙄

Where? The advice is to give him chores, tell SS and the police why and that she wants him out the house at 18 if he behaves like this…18 not 17 and if he can’t appreciate his fortunate position in having a home at 17, he needs to learn about reality at 18. Why would she let him put an 11 yr old with special needs at risk because he’s a selfish self centred kid?

Tell anyone investigating that his story was because he takes your things without permission and doesn’t like being told not to.

Then stop doing things for him and once he turns 18 tell him to move out.

Dont give in. Dont give him things you dont have to - so a minimal phone contract if you fell it's better he can contact you but downgrade it as much as possible. No lifts, no washing done, just feed him. And tell him if he does that again you'll be asking social services to find him a hostel to live in.

Of course you are restricting his freedom, he's a child.

Pay for his phone and provide a bit of money until 18 then say, you're an adult, it's yours to pay for now.

He can have his freedom in exchange for responsibility. That's what adulthood is.

OP - Try not to worry about - it very unlikely social services will do anything.

I mean this kindly but please back off over his phone useage. At his age it is down to him how much effort he puts into studying and dealing with the consequences.

He sounds like a very typical teenager to me, the behaviour is not desirable but normal. One of my three was arsey at that age but a year at uni improved him immensely.

Don't give into his demands, he can get a part time job.

Please also do some reading about glass child syndrome.

Because he’s behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum to get his own way without one thought to the possible consquences? But I’m sure the OP will find it a great help to hear you’re just back from pub lunch with your own son

When you are a parent you have responsibility for all of your DC not just the youngest ones. Who would want to see their child homeless? Having overly restrictive rules that he is never going to accept is just asking for problems. What is the back story here as the whole Police thing is bizarre.

It's ironic that we are in an era when a 16 year old is being considered mature and adult enough to be given a vote to decide the government of this country, but yet a nearly 18 year old is considered to be under the jurisdiction of their parent. I guess a nearly 18 year old, then, would of course automatically consider going to the police about mummy being mean, rather than Child Line, for example.

@totallylostanddontknowwhattodo I agree with the posters that say in this situation your priority for safeguarding must be towards your younger disabled child. It's hard when you love your offspring, but that does not mean you have to tolerate disrespect of you. Your house, your rules. Is the father on the scene?

I was trying to make the point that you treat your children age appropriately, have a 10 o'clock cut off point is really odd.

But surely rules that make no sense are just setting up someone to fail. You can't just abandon your older child and leave them destitute on the street.

he was spending too much time on his phone... I discussed with this with the police and they said I was allowed to restrict phone usage at home as it came under responsible parenting

So you had already involved the police first?

One can have empathy towards the OP and also think that of the son at the same time!

Not a penny. He gets food and a roof over his head, and if he doesn't do his chores, turn off the WiFi. Anything else he wants, he can work for it.

Yes dad is on the scene and we live together.

I’’m happy to back off on the phone restrictions if he respects the house and does his basic chores. I don’t see why he should be on the phone when he doesn’t contribute to the household in anyway.

My concern is the younger DS who will get unsettled with any change in routine and anyone new on the scene that he has to interact with - anyone from SS for example. We don’t have a social worker as his needs are all in hand and he is settled.

I don't want to to see him homeless but equally don’t see why I should live in fear of him reporting me again.

To the poster who asked if DS had been violent - no he hasn’t.

OP, why have you not asked him why he is carrying on like nothing has happened and have the Police been involved before as you have stated that they needed to formally tell you that a parent can restrict phone usage, why did you ask the Police that? Do you literally ring them up and ask them about the phone?

No, I don't think so. The Op is looking for understanding. Slagging off her son is not understanding nor empathy or anything else....just slagging.

You need to give DS a deadline of his 18th birthday to get a job, grow up and start behaving like an adult. If he doesn't, kick him out on his birthday.

I don't disagree, but in this situation there is a vulnerable child in the home too. They must be the priority. The adult 'child' should not be set up to fail, but be assisted to lead an independent life where he no longer has to kick against mummy's house, mummy's rules. OR, he is encouraged to understand that whilst he is not in receipt of income, and is living 'free gratis' - the rules of the household could, perhaps, be maturely-negotiated but that the bill-payer's opinion has top trumps. That is partly why I asked if the father is in the picture.

Not acceptable at all to restrict phone usage for a 17 year old.

Absolutely ridiculous and completely cruel, how anyone could let down their children like this is beyond me! Do you have DC that you would treat like this?

The police came to chat to us after DS made the allegation and that’s when I asked this.

DS seems to be totally fine with what has happened and keeps asking for stuff like money, phone top ups etc

Absolutely wild. This could have been very serious.

You need to sit down look him square in the face and talk about this.
Explain the actual impact
Potential impact and lay out how life is going to look going forward.

Why on earth would anyone think that trying to restrict an almost 18 years olds phone use would be effective in any way? He’s very nearly an adult.

It doesn’t sound like you love him or have any kind of respectful relationship with him. That’s very sad. It’s too late to try to discipline him now but being constantly at loggerheads with him will get you and your relationship with him nowhere. You are giving him an awful lot to rebel against. It’s not working, try a different approach; leave him be, give him space to work life out for himself.