Please help, end of my tether re ‘bullying’ situation

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds, aged 24, 22 and 18. All living at home currently (older two graduated and returned home).

Dd3 is autistic (but has never accepted the diagnosis). A few years ago almost overnight she developed a strong dislike/fear of dd1. This went on for 6 months then out of the blue dd3 messaged dd1 to say sorry. All was fine for a while. Then 18 months ago it happened again. Dd3 won’t come into a room if dd1 is there and has been calling her ‘it’ and ‘thing’ 😢

And yet dd3 claims her older sister is the bully. Dd1’s crimes are -

-apparently chasing dd3 with a knife - what actually happened was that dd1 was holding a fork and made stabbing motions by the side of her body in frustration. This was about a year ago but dd3 says she feels unsafe.

-recently dd1 and dd3 had a text exchange and dd1 said ‘all this drama and you can’t see that you’re autistic?’ Dd3 has taken great offence to this and said the comment was ‘disgusting’.

All of this sounds very petty written down and I should probably stay out of it but I want to support both of them especially dd1 who I don’t think has done much wrong.

Should add that dd1 is probably autistic too but hasn’t been diagnosed. She is quite an inflexible thinker and can have a passive aggressive side. But she does not deserve this treatment by her youngest sister.

Dd2 gets on ok with both her sisters.

From what you've said, whilst petty, Dd1 doesn't sound blameless to me. Yet you seem to take her side. Maybe that's why dd3 gets so upset and angry.

Really? You think dd1 deserves to be called it and thing?

I'd clamp down hard on the "it" and "thing" name calling, you can't force them to be in the same room but I wouldn't put up with that rudeness and disrepect. I'd also look into getting some therapy for DD3 to help her accept and understand her diagnosis and find some coping strategies.

It will pass. Even without the ASD 18 to24 is exhausting. Model good behaviour, ask anyone being horrid to apologise or leave the room. It’s really hard but not forever.

After trying various different strategies to deal with the name calling, we now say to dd3 we will turn off her WiFi for 2 hours each time she says it. Not a natural consequence I know but it does seem to be working.

We’ve been trying for years to get dd3 some therapy for years but so far she has refused.

Really? It will pass without me ‘doing’ anything? They used to be close and have a shared love of our cat.

I didn’t say do nothing, I said model good behaviour and ask anyone who is horrid to apologise or leave the room. The terrible teens are similar to the terrible twos but make you cry more. They come out the other end kinder and less stinky.

Dd3 says that dd1 does subtle things that we don’t notice. Dd1 denies this. I don’t know who to believe any more 🤷‍♀️

Write a set of “house rules”. Get all dc to contribute to the rules and agree them. Then enforce the rules.

rules could be things like
. For dinner, everyone sits at the table and eats together
. No insulting names “it thing etc”
. Use please and thank you

you could also recommend both kids look up the blog “captain awkward” which is advise for autistic young people navigating social interactions.

Like what? I have noticed that autistic teenagers csn get very fixated on certain people doing stuff behind everybody's back, it's almost like a paranoia.

You need to set down that you won’t accept arguing/name calling BUT you may need to accept that children don’t always grow up to be friends? They’ll maybe go
through a hateful phase now (managed/leveled out by you) and then be better with eachother in years to come. I’m the youngest of three and love my siblings (none of us are undiagnosed anything) but coming back after uni or during (eg during summers) is bringing together adults who’ve “sort of” found their own way of living/working then throwing them back into putting up with eachother. It’s normal is what I’m saying - make sure they remain respectful but also don’t pander to any ridiculous (unless there’s a cognitive lack of understanding) OMG IM SO SCARED OF THEM dramas unless actually warranted and don’t take sides. Just keep reminding them all they love eachother and it’s not that deep who are whose food and who peeved the other - they just all deserve space and respect and you deserve a calm home .

I’d be encouraging daughter 1 to move
out. Time and space are healers.

Is dd3 planning to go away to university? That would at least give the family a break for 36 weeks of the year. Perhaps dd2 is able to give you some insight into what is going on and suggestions of what you can do?

Some do have a knack if saying something spiteful under their breath then moving on quickly so it goes unnoticed. Offended dc then protests and is "imagining it" or "overreacting" and is then deemed the problem.

I think that's quite common. It is in my family anyway.

I think that would have a detrimental effect on our relationship. Why should dd1 move out before she is emotionally and financially ready?

Not yet. Unfortunately dd3 has been out of education for 2 years. She’s very anxious and can’t seem to start the next stage at the moment.

What I don’t understand is that dd3 sometimes seems genuinely scared of dd1. I’m torn between telling her there’s nothing to be scared of, or validating her feelings.

They don’t have to be friends or even pleasant to each other but they can’t be unpleasant. I wouldn’t tolerate ‘thing’ and ‘it’ name calling

who does dd2 think is a fault?

It sounds like you're favouring dd1. I think that's a vile thing to say, and stabbing motions with the fork? Wtf? And dd3 is unreasonable for saying "it"? 🥴

A few years ago almost overnight she developed a strong dislike/fear of dd1. This went on for 6 months then out of the blue dd3 messaged dd1 to say sorry. All was fine for a while. Then 18 months ago it happened again. Dd3 won’t come into a room if dd1 is there and has been calling her ‘it’ and ‘thing’ 😢
Was this around the time she got the diagnosis? Does she spend a lot of time online so discord/tiktok etc, so is seeing all the (as on here) that NT siblings and colleagues have to accept being spoken to/treated poorly as that's.#beingKind

Why? What does she think will happen?

No, dd3 was diagnosed aged 11.

Because she’s become fixated on the idea and is getting extra attention and validation from it. How would she benefit from backing down?

if she was genuinely scared of her she wouldn’t be calling her ‘it’ and ‘thing’

I’m trying to be fair. The fork stabbing incident (to which I didn’t see) happened some time after the start of the second period of bad feeling. Its not great behaviour but understandable that dd1 was frustrated after months of being called a ‘thing’ and other nasty things by dd3.

Exactly @bendmeoverbackwards what response does she get when she does this?

Does she uses soc media a lot?