Please help, end of my tether re ‘bullying’ situation

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds, aged 24, 22 and 18. All living at home currently (older two graduated and returned home).

Dd3 is autistic (but has never accepted the diagnosis). A few years ago almost overnight she developed a strong dislike/fear of dd1. This went on for 6 months then out of the blue dd3 messaged dd1 to say sorry. All was fine for a while. Then 18 months ago it happened again. Dd3 won’t come into a room if dd1 is there and has been calling her ‘it’ and ‘thing’ 😢

And yet dd3 claims her older sister is the bully. Dd1’s crimes are -

-apparently chasing dd3 with a knife - what actually happened was that dd1 was holding a fork and made stabbing motions by the side of her body in frustration. This was about a year ago but dd3 says she feels unsafe.

-recently dd1 and dd3 had a text exchange and dd1 said ‘all this drama and you can’t see that you’re autistic?’ Dd3 has taken great offence to this and said the comment was ‘disgusting’.

All of this sounds very petty written down and I should probably stay out of it but I want to support both of them especially dd1 who I don’t think has done much wrong.

Should add that dd1 is probably autistic too but hasn’t been diagnosed. She is quite an inflexible thinker and can have a passive aggressive side. But she does not deserve this treatment by her youngest sister.

Dd2 gets on ok with both her sisters.

This absolutely needs to stop.

She either eats with the family or she doesn’t eat.

Stop answering the phone. If she wants to talk to you, she needs to come and speak to you, face to face. This is a basic requirement.

Yes both dd2 and dd1 are working full time. Dd1 pays us a small amount of rent and dd2 will do the same next year. They’re not earning huge amounts, dd2 is saving up to go travelling next year. They will both move out at some stage but I think pushing them to move out now because of the unreasonable behaviour of dd3 is not a good idea.

@EmeraldShamrock000 yes she definitely has PDA traits. And I believe the advice for this is to remove demands.

@bendmeoverbackwards I feel for you, and can resonate with some of your feelings;
'Because dd3’s treatment of me is so engrained and I’m weak. She will use a lot of emotional language such as ‘why can’t I have dinner?’ etc.
Dh is very supportive and much better than me at taking a step back and leaving her to it. It’s not easy because as a mother my instinct is to want my child to eat even at 18.'
We have started having similar issues with DD2 19 (ND) at mealtimes, slightest thing, even facial expression by someone & she gets offended and leaves the table. I also have fallen into the trap of feeling guilty, walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace, not wanting her to miss out on meals. I'm at the point now where at times I feel anxious in my own home, as anything I say irritates her, she will ask me to stay out of her way! We stay calm, try to be firm though and stick to boundaries, and she is hopefully starting CBT soon.

@LAMPS1 thank you for your clear posts, they have been really helpful for me too. I feel so lost at the moment & I'm looking for ways I can help myself. I feel like I could do with someone in my ear speaking these things to me constantly!

How do you do this whilst maintaining boundaries?

I’ve wondered this too.

That's a bit of a slur on autism. It's hard enough to live with without being accused of manipulation.

How many autistic children have you parented?

My own daughter, thanks. And no, if I’m in the house with her, I won’t answer the phone to her.

What I am getting from these replies is that a lot of people have no experience of parenting autistic children. My son only comes downstairs to eat dinner if it's just the two of us. If any of his brothers, or his nieces, are here he eats in his room (although I leave the tray on the stairs for him, I don't take it upstairs). He's not afraid of anyone, he just finds being around people overwhelming.

I was advised to remove and replace traits attitudes that impacted the family, let her upstairs on condition that she stops treating DD1 like shit.
You really need professional counselling for this. I think she has overpowered you for so long she'll see every compromise as unfair.
Be firm too, tell her it is unacceptable, she'll shout, scream but she can't scream forever.
My two children are on tbe spectrum, DD is lovely, DS is grumpy, emotional, challenging, he knows how to hurt your feeling's with words.
I explained the grey rock method to him when he was calm. Now if he is pushing, I let him know that I love him but I'm not responding as he is being unreasonable, he calms much quicker when ignored.
Take control back, be firm but fair. She'll get it. Maybe buy a kitten too as a distraction with expectations of better behaviour.

Maybe buy a kitten too as a distraction with expectations of better behaviour.
What? Use a living creature to placate a verbal and emotional bully? What's the outcome for the kitten when it doesn't bow to dd3s will?!

They used to be close and have a shared love of our cat. from OP.
DD3 might relax with a kitten to look after.

Still don't think that's fair on the cat!

Yes, you're right, scrap that idea OP. It'll be more hassle than it is worth.

@How does she react to you not answering @Littlefish ? My dd would accuse me of ignoring her.

I find this interesting as a parent of three similar aged young people. The two older siblings are diagnosed as autistic and have been for a decade. Knowing their diagnosis does not make them feel different, being different does... So I have no patience for nonsense about "protecting them from the truth".

My kids are lovely with each other. They respect boundaries and are kind with each other about their differences and similarities. They are not perfect, they squabble and get upset about stupid stuff of course. The older two can find their particular sensitivities clash sometimes. Dd1 is a sensory seeker, ds is the opposite and that causes issues. My youngest dd2 is NT, she is very patient and emotionally mature. She tries to look out for her big sister and she understands both her siblings so well I am so proud.

My only advice is to be supportive of both your kids in the way they need it treating people the same is not equality. So you need to understand what their behaviours are communicating. They may not understand their feelings themselves and attempt to rationalise / justify their behaviour but not necessarily correctly. What do they need from you, or from each other or from their lives? The social communication issues caused by autism delays emotional development so they are still young teenagers in some ways, but with an adult intellect which is a barrier.

Good luck navigating they will get there.

The stabbing thing isn't ok.

You might not be seeing things D1 is doing. It's really hard to be sure here. I'm suspicious when people are accused of being paranoid. I have incredibly manipulative family who lie. That can feel very destabilising.

I don't know the answer other than try a mediation with you and them both. I do not approve of bloody stabbing motions and you need to be expressing that. You can acknowledge the frustration whilst kindly saying it's threatening to do that to D3. And then you say it isn't ok to say it and thing.

Your language is conveying favour to D1. D3 causes more problems, has more difficulty and thus is prime to be a scapegoat. She may be unreasonable in her behaviour but I think it's good to be mindful of the things highlighted above.

I wouldn't bring D2 into it. Everyone comes from a place of personal bias.

"I am not ignoring you, I am ignoring a phone call, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in the same house. You are an adult now and you are capable of coming to speak to me when you need something"

We had several conversations before I started doing it. I explained that if I was in the house (and not on the phone) then I would be available to talk to her face to face, but that I wouldn’t answer the phone to her.

She carried on phoning me initially, even though I never answered the calls. She did exactly what you’ve said, and accused me of ignoring her. I repeated the earlier conversation and said that I wasn’t ignoring her, I was available unless I was on the phone. She didn’t like it, because she wanted things to stay the same. However, I had made my boundary and stuck to it. I just kept having the same conversation and, over time, she realised that I wasn’t backing down. Oh, and I put my phone on silent!

Exactly!

Thank you, this is all so helpful.

Just to clarify - it’s really ok to put these boundaries in place even with a PDA profile child?

Dd has lots of PDA behaviours. I still hold my boundaries eg.

Not answering the phone to her if we are in the house.

No crockery/meals upstairs

No vaping in her room

I don’t do her washing

Dd is a young adult who lives away from home in termtime, so there’s always a few rocky days/weeks when she first gets home and we all adjust to her being back in the house again.

We implement some boundaries however when I do I often feel scared of how she will respond, I know this is my weakness but I ve been standing my ground. Sometimes she will take things well others others not, despite trying to be consistent in asking calmly. E.g this was one reply to a job I asked her to do
Okay but not rn like I said I'm calm, do u want me to have a go?
Or has been known to shout & swear at us. I'm starting to question this behaviour, because I feel so anxious today or am I overthinking. She has been in trouble in the past for threatening behaviour. Maybe I just need to grow a pair?