Please help, end of my tether re ‘bullying’ situation

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds, aged 24, 22 and 18. All living at home currently (older two graduated and returned home).

Dd3 is autistic (but has never accepted the diagnosis). A few years ago almost overnight she developed a strong dislike/fear of dd1. This went on for 6 months then out of the blue dd3 messaged dd1 to say sorry. All was fine for a while. Then 18 months ago it happened again. Dd3 won’t come into a room if dd1 is there and has been calling her ‘it’ and ‘thing’ 😢

And yet dd3 claims her older sister is the bully. Dd1’s crimes are -

-apparently chasing dd3 with a knife - what actually happened was that dd1 was holding a fork and made stabbing motions by the side of her body in frustration. This was about a year ago but dd3 says she feels unsafe.

-recently dd1 and dd3 had a text exchange and dd1 said ‘all this drama and you can’t see that you’re autistic?’ Dd3 has taken great offence to this and said the comment was ‘disgusting’.

All of this sounds very petty written down and I should probably stay out of it but I want to support both of them especially dd1 who I don’t think has done much wrong.

Should add that dd1 is probably autistic too but hasn’t been diagnosed. She is quite an inflexible thinker and can have a passive aggressive side. But she does not deserve this treatment by her youngest sister.

Dd2 gets on ok with both her sisters.

This, what other pandering do you do? Room service for meals?!
What a drama llama!

Dh is just as frustrated as me. Dd3 will only engage with me with these sorts of things, rings me on my mobile from the other room etc. I know this sounds pathetic written down but with neurodiverse dc and/or mental health problems, you do have to parent a little differently.

Well yes you do, but you don't have to be a personal concierge? Bringing food to her room, taking instructions by text..
No wonder she's so me centric with all the pandering

You're completely pandering to Dd3 at the moment though. If she doesn't want to eat with dd1 then make sure it inconveniences Dd3, stop delivering it to her. Stop answering her phone calls about what rooms dd1 is in.

Dd3 is the puppet master and you're all playing in her show. Cut the strings.

Yes, you do have to do things differently, and often scaffold and support more, and for longer, but that also has to start to reduce and change over time once they get to adulthood. There's a difference between supporting and accommodating and enabling, and kindly, some of what's going on here sounds like enabling. Which always is born from good intentions, I'm aware of that. Life is harder in so many ways for ND kiddos and we don't want them to suffer unnecessarily.

I'm neurodivergent btw, as is our entire family. I'm sort of glad that it is that way, as I can't imagine having to manage NT/ND dynamics. It is harder when you have a mixed neurotype household.

It seems to me (as the aunt of two autistic teens) that your dd3 is almost weaponising her diagnosis to make herself a victim here. She may be autistic but that doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to boss her family. Don’t see what difference her having a diagnosis makes and if she wants to live a happier life therapy is probably the thing. And getting back into education.

OP, I think you should put food on the table with the expectation that DD3 eats with the rest of you all together. If she doesn’t show up for meals, then don’t make a fuss but it’s far too over indulgent, with 5 adults in the household to be pandering to one person so individually.

With the new rules in place, (I refer to my previous post) everybody is equal and there is no bullying/no squabbling in the house. Therefore, there are no victims.

You are right in that you are enabling her to bully her older sister with this victim game. She maybe does it to show the rest of the family that she has you on her side. But it’s unacceptable for her to use you as a weapon against DD1 like that.
So, another new rule has to be that you don’t take instruction from DD3, especially by phone message within the house.
Only the royal family have such privileges.

Announce to all that there is a fresh start with meals being eaten around the table all together for those who want food. Make it a catch up event with everybody happily contributing their day to day news. My guess is that DD3, not being in work or education, is feeling she has little to contribute so keep the spotlight off her if that’s the case. But it’s important for her to be included and to listen to everyday chat and news from outside the home.

I think that as a family, it would be clearly apparent if DD3 were seriously mentally ill with some form of paranoia. This sounds more like a clever form of attention seeking which has grown out of control.

I’m sure it’s not easy to tackle it head on OP, but at 18 years old, DD3 simply must learn to live in the real world. Avoiding the dinner table isn’t helping. Joining in with family successfully around the dinner table is vital preparation for joining in with society outside the home, something which DD3 is maybe very frightened of, hence the troubles she has invented inside the home to deflect and excuse herself.

If DH is also fed up of the household disharmony, could he perhaps get on board and support you more actively?

Thank you all so much. I’ve tried a few times to reset the rules but I end up caving in. Because dd3’s treatment of me is so engrained and I’m weak. She will use a lot of emotional language such as ‘why can’t I have dinner?’ etc.

Dh is very supportive and much better than me at taking a step back and leaving her to it. It’s not easy because as a mother my instinct is to want my child to eat even at 18.

I’m getting better at not answering my phone during dinner to dd3 when she doesn’t appear , it’s not fair on dd1 and dd2 who want to chat to me and catch up with their days. But clearly there is more work to be done.

@LAMPS1 what should I say to dd3 when she says she can’t eat with the family if dd1 is there?

She will happily join the dinner table if dd1 is not there.

You tell her her food is on the table, tell her , not text because she needs to understand that families communicate using words. Make it clear that you are not all waiting patiently for her to join you, because that is handing her a locked and loaded weapon , but are all eating yours. Then you disengage. If she chooses to join you and sit down to eat ,then great, if not then that is her decision.

Clear the table when you have finished and leave her portion in the kitchen. Do not offer to reheat anything. If she wants hot food hot she either eats with you or sorts out the re heating herself.( I would also stop food being taken up to bedrooms by anyone, but that might be a battle too far atm.)

Here’s a tip. Turn your phone OFF and have a no phones at the table rule for everyone.

She won’t be happy because you are removing her powers, but you do need to stand firm. There will be tantrums and threats but you can’t all live your lives under one roof while she is holding you all to ransom.

OP, given the information you have given, I would try telling her all, or some of the following …..

Reiterate, in a loving but firm way, all the new rules, explaining they are to protect you all, not just her.

Tell her you love her just as much as ever and just as much as you love all your daughters and that you only want the best for her. And will never stop supporting her as long as you can. But because of the discord, you now see that there needs to be these boundaries to help support you all.

Tell her she is an adult living in a home with four other adults all deserving equal consideration. Not a hotel where one person demands and dictates who she eats with and where her meals are served. Tell her she, along with you all, is lucky to have such a supportive home but if she or anybody else feels there is a better deal elsewhere, then she isn’t a prisoner there and doesn’t have to stay.

Tell her you can no longer accept that she has a choice to be vindictive in your house where you, not her, oversee the household harmony, and you won’t allow her to continue to unkindly single out DD1 as unworthy. Tell her you won’t be accepting unkindness or bullying or squabbling from anybody else either.

Tell her she is no longer a child and you all now need get along together with mutual respect and kindness as a family and fit in together so, for the sake of all of you, not just her, this is now a fresh start

Tell her that eating together around the table where no negativity is allowed, only a safe haven of happy chat, debate and news sharing, is entirely normal and will help prepare her for what it will be like for her as an adult in the real world, whether in a job or at college.

Tell her she needs to be able to get along with others and learn to navigate her way through life without tiresome unnecessary dramas and this is to support her to do that.

Tell her that if she doesn’t want to chat, she doesn’t have to, she can just listen.
Tell her that she if she doesn’t want to eat, then she doesn’t have to, she can just listen.
But it is the expectation that meals will be taken all together around the family table, in a normal civilised way from now on with good manners. No excuses.

Tell her that if anybody wants to argue or make a fuss or act in anyway unkindly, they must do it away from your home as you will no longer be made complicit nor tolerate it.

Tell her that now all your children adults, you have a right to expect peace in your home and your expectation is that everybody makes a real effort from this new fresh start. All arguments left behind.

I’m so glad I posted here. This has given me the strength and confidence to make some real changes.

However one thing is worrying me and I know I sound ridiculous - I have this low lying fear that if I don’t pander to dd3’s mealtime demands, this might turn into an eating disorder. She’s 18 which I understand is past the peak age risk and has never shown any signs of restricting her eating (other than the occasional comment about her body and she feels fat). But if she starts missing meals because she won’t come to the table and I refuse to take food to her in a different room, this might give her ideas.

You have my sympathy.
DD 3 needs therapy.
I don't blame DD1 retaliating, her words were harsh but understandable given the situation.
I hope they manage to sort it out.

To add, if DD has an eating disorder, it is a separate issue, I'm a recovering anorexic and have concerns about my DD, there is nothing you can do, the illness is based on control/attention/emotions/mh issues, it requires professional intervention.

You can't let her control the narrative, distraction is key. 💐😍

Thank you all so much. I’ve tried a few times to reset the rules but I end up caving in. Because dd3’s treatment of me is so engrained and I’m weak. She will use a lot of emotional language such as ‘why can’t I have dinner?’ etc.
It sounds like she is bullying you all. Has she always behaved like this, or only since her diagnosis?.,,

Has she been diagnosed with a pda asd profile. The bullying, demanding, put downs, sounds like it.
Don't walk on eggshells anymore, she will learn the hard way, her moods won't be tolerated outside your home. Cbt therapy will help if she is willing to go.

Say nothing. It's her issue, not yours, you seem to be pandering to her.

Like you said, the eating disorder worry is irrational, file it under that nd continie with your new resolve.

I think you're in so deep with Dd3 you've lost sight of what's reasonable.

I’m glad you are feeling stronger about dealing with this OP. It really is a difficult situation for you. And your fears about an eating disorder are valid of course.

Think about how your girls would manage if you and DH went away on holiday, or for a long weekend, or god forbid, had to go away in an emergency.
How do you envisage they would manage between themselves in one of those situations.
They are all adults and you should be feeling happy that they would not only cope but successfully get along and look out for each other.
Your girls should by now, be able to plan, cook and clear away a meal for the family. They should each know when the bins need to go out, when the pets need to be fed and exercised, how to turn the heating on, how to clean the bathroom, how to do the laundry, how to lock up securely, how to mow the lawn etc etc.

I’m sure your two older girls can and do help with all of that already but DD3 needs extra help to get to that point. And that is what you are trying to do with the new way of doing things and a fresh start.
It is a lot to think about for you, as you feel trapped in the habit which DD3 dictates.

For now, you are simply concentrating on the one thing which is to stop her demands on you as a personal run-around. And to realise that her egocentricity is causing the household a lot of discord -and stress for you. And that to live anywhere at age 18 involves compromise and being able to get along with everybody else in the family group, without you as a personal servant/caretaker. As part of her continuing education at home, DD3 needs to be brought to the point of being able to value the fact she has a roof over her head and food on the table. It needs to happen quickly because it’s the basis of many other things she has yet to learn.

What would happen at the meal time if you and DH were out of the house. For example …How would DD3 know where DD1 was in order to get her own food?

You shouldn't even be having to make and take them meals with 2 extra adults in the house. All this drama and dd1 is 24! I was married with a career at 24. I really feel for you op as this must be miserable; I think the older ones need to be told it's time to look to move out.

I may be wrong, but these demanding bullying behaviours only seem to have emerged since the diagnosis, which makes me agree with pp that dd3 is deep in tiktok with the 'oh I can behave like that and do that level of control to people and get away with it!!'

When were you 24?

Many people - especially if they’re single - can’t afford to move out at age 24 in 2025, nowadays things have changed and flat sharing isn’t suitable for everyone.

I don’t find this advice helpful to OP’s situation just because you were able to live with your husband at age 24 it doesn’t mean she should be pushing her kid who is suspected ND out the door.

8 years ago.

That wasn't the point of what I was saying though, just that living with other adults shouldn't make your life worse, it should make it better. If they are living in op's home and making her daily life a bloody misery then they can find a flat share and move out. Plenty of 24 year olds don't live with their parents. If they want to live with their mum and dad , they'll need to sort their issues and stop making everyone's lives crap.

You say ‘OK’. Don’t get into a conversation with her. She really is controlling you massively here.
Out of interest, how are the household chores distributed here? It sounds like you do all the cooking? There are 5 adults in the family - everyone should be doing their share of cooking, cleaning, shopping. Anyone who doesn’t work should do more if they’re not otherwise employed or studying. With regard to mealtimes, why do all of you have to eat at the same time? When my DDs were older, we rarely ate together because each of us had different things on - people ate as they wished. One of us would cook a meal for everyone but we’d eat at different times.
18 is quite a fragile age I found with my DDs - not an adult in terms of maturity but wanting all the independence of adulthood. DD3 will have seen her sisters going to Uni, which she likely feels jealous of as she hasn’t got to do that. Presumably they also have jobs and are earning? If DD3 isn’t working, why not?
In your situation, you need to take back full control. DD3 is currently in control of you and getting away with being a brat. By giving in to her you’re doing her absolutely no favours - you need to toughen up.

@Fourteenandahalf Rental market was way more affordable 8 years ago, and even now if you have a partner moving out in your early 20s is way easier than it is for a single person. Flatsharing comes with many issues especially if you’re ND.

I happened to live in my own at age 24 (single) but that was out of necessity and I appreciate it’s not possible for everyone.

OP needs to work on not enabling the bullying and bickering, they are still a family and this needs a long term solution . Forcing the oldest out won’t necessarily solve the underlying issues and may cause unnecessary hardship. Especially since most of the problems seem to come from the youngest who is making various demands and being deliberately provocative .

Both my DDs left home after Uni, as did all of their friends. They initially rented with other friends, then bought their own homes - both before they were 25! It’s the norm in their friendship groups. I also work with a lot of much younger people, and apart from 1 person, they all own their own homes and have children. Their ages range between 25 and 35.