Please help, end of my tether re ‘bullying’ situation

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds, aged 24, 22 and 18. All living at home currently (older two graduated and returned home).

Dd3 is autistic (but has never accepted the diagnosis). A few years ago almost overnight she developed a strong dislike/fear of dd1. This went on for 6 months then out of the blue dd3 messaged dd1 to say sorry. All was fine for a while. Then 18 months ago it happened again. Dd3 won’t come into a room if dd1 is there and has been calling her ‘it’ and ‘thing’ 😢

And yet dd3 claims her older sister is the bully. Dd1’s crimes are -

-apparently chasing dd3 with a knife - what actually happened was that dd1 was holding a fork and made stabbing motions by the side of her body in frustration. This was about a year ago but dd3 says she feels unsafe.

-recently dd1 and dd3 had a text exchange and dd1 said ‘all this drama and you can’t see that you’re autistic?’ Dd3 has taken great offence to this and said the comment was ‘disgusting’.

All of this sounds very petty written down and I should probably stay out of it but I want to support both of them especially dd1 who I don’t think has done much wrong.

Should add that dd1 is probably autistic too but hasn’t been diagnosed. She is quite an inflexible thinker and can have a passive aggressive side. But she does not deserve this treatment by her youngest sister.

Dd2 gets on ok with both her sisters.

Dd3 wants me to let her know where dd1 is before she will leave a room or come into a different room. If dd1 comes in, dd3 will leave.

That's ridiculous, she sounds a drama llama, really hope you don't pander to her ridiculousness.

If she doesn't want to see dd1 she can move out.

Have you been doing that?

if so stop immediately, stop pandering to her demands and encouraging this behaviour

No it’s the other way round @CaptainFuture dd3 will actively avoid dd1 and wants to know where she is so she can avoid her; dd1 just goes about her daily business as normal.

Hmmm... Are you sure this could be attributed to the autism? It's not unusual for autistic children to have comorbidities, e.g., OCD and/or paranoia.

So what should I say when dd3 asks where dd1 is?

In the house where we all live?

I have wondered this. Dd3 does have some OCD traits. Someone I know who knows a lot about OCD says that dd3 might see her sister as unsafe, even contaminated.

I don’t know / it doesn’t matter.

Dd3 sounds like a bloody nightmare winding everyone up.

Stop telling her where dd1 is. Suggest if she wants to avoid dd1, Dd3 should move out.

When did DD3 get a phone and how much time does she spend on the internet?

Does she have tiktok / online friends that are possibly a bit toxic themselves.

If this started a few years ago she would have been a young teen, but what she is doing is not acceptable and continue removing the wifi is that is working.

I would definitely look into this by booking her an appointment with the GP. It's possible she's not being completely honest with you; what exactly is she afraid of, or worries her about her sister?

Dd3 got a phone at 11 at the start of secondary school but I was quite strict about SM and held off for as long as I could. She does use Tik-Tok but most of her viewing is harmless stuff about animals (she’s always sending me videos). I restricted use when she was younger and gradually relaxed the rules. But she’s now 18 and I don’t feel like WiFi restrictions are appropriate (or would even help).

I'd sit them all down together and explain that now they're adults and it's a privilege, not a right, that you accommodate them. They need to all grow up and live together amicably or make plans to move out. It's no way for anyone to live to have this sort of tension/ outright animosity.

It is challenging for multiple adults to be in the same house together. It does sound like D3 is causing the issue by her extreme reactions and the reality is probably that she needs to be pleasant or go flatting.

Problem here is you told her what is wrong with her, you didn’t need to do that. The other children have picked up on it (and children can be cruel). Youngest daughter (depending on where she is on the spectrum) may also be playing on it. What you should be doing is treating all three of them equally.

She won’t or can’t explain it to me. There was the autistic comment (but that’s very recent) other than that, dd3 just says her sister is a bully and a horrible person.

You need to step back, they are adults and you don’t need to be in the middle.

I have girls similar ages, they get on much better now they don’t via for my attention.

They need to be seen as a team, not favorites.

I’m not sure I understand what you mean by this?

Sounds entirely illogical to me, but that's no fault of your daughter, it's just how her mind works. I really think you either all need to sit down and it needs to be quashed, or she tells you exactly what's the matter. If she can't explain it, you need to tell her she needs to drop it.

There is no way dd3 is mature enough to move out. She is very behind emotionally.

I’m a mom of an autistic adult (in his 30s now) and growing up I didn’t tell him his diagnosis, the other 2 children didn’t know either, even though he went to another (special) school. I always treated them the same, and they all (he is the middle child) have a fantastic relationship now.

How does dd2 feel about this toxic atmosphere? She seems forgotten here.

Sorry I hope I didn't sound harsh. Dd1's 'crimes' just stood out and seemed worse to me than saying thing or it, even though that's not nice either.
The fork stabbing thing has probably added to dd3s fear.
I kind of feel like dd1 knows what she's doing (like the fork thing) , eg doing or saying snidey things to get to dd3
But then reading further on it's harder to decide because it seems like dd3 is enjoying dictating the rules around dd1 which isn't fair
I think they both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.

That's lovely. The damage that can be done by telling someone there's something inherently 'wrong', or otherwise different, with them all their life is too often overlooked. They start to believe it themselves.

Thank you. He lives independently and manages a team of people at work. I’m so proud of all 3 of them and I know they look out for each other. It’s been a bumpy ride through the years though.