Please help with advice on how to tell my 19 year old his dad isn’t his biological dad 😭

[SpoonyOP]

I desperately need advice I know I am going to get abuse for this but I really don’t know where else to turn, I have a 19 year old son who was raised by my ex husband from the age of 15months. my son has his name due to it being changed by deed poll, I have other children with my ex husband and I know it is wrong but he has never known that my ex husband is not his biological dad. His real dad was a fling when I was really young and he wanted nothing to do with my son when I was pregnant or when he was born. There was never a right time to tell him which I know is a really poor excuse and I know it sounds even worse but I I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary hurt so it was a secret I would have taken to my grave however I am not currently in a great marriage and when I have tried to leave he has threatened on 3 occasions now to tell my son the truth cause he wants to blow my world apart like I will be doing to him. I can’t risk him hearing it from someone else but I don’t even know where to begin on telling him the truth, I don’t want him to hate me 😭😭💔💔

Thank you for all the advice I do understand all the judgment too I would probably have the same views as yourself if I wasn’t in this mess myself. My intention was never to lie and keep it a secret it was just never spoke about which I understand is pretty much the same thing I just didn’t imagine it going on for so long but the longer it went on the harder it got and now I’m in this awful situation. Life just goes so fast and he has had one big life step after another, school then GCSE’s then A-levels then uni, and during this time he has had siblings arrive, my marriage to the man that raised him fail, the death of a sibling, my new marriage and it seems there has always been a reason why it was not a good time to have the talk. Looking back now I regret keeping it a secret for so long which is why I have come here for advice. Even now I can still think of reasons not to tell him but I know it has to come from me. After a lot of your comments I have spoken with my ex husband and we have decided it best to do it together. The last thing I want to do is hurt him and I adore all my kids which is why this is so hard because I just want him to be happy x

That’s really positive, doing it together.

I’d suggest avoiding the word secret. It wasn’t deliberate, you were busy getting on with life as a family.
You rarely thought about it, because it wasn’t relevant.

Whenever you did think about it, there were important reasons to wait a bit to avoid unsettling him - a new sibling, a new school, a house move, exams, divorce…

Then suddenly you’d left it far too late and here we are.

Please let us know how it goes

I wouldn't say you rarely thought about it because it wasn't relevant, if you said that to me, it would make me so angry. Just say what you said above, and good luck, it's wrong to do the right thing.
I'm still trying to find my bio Dad. It's been an exhausting journey so far.

Doing it together is the best way, so exH can assure him that he is loved the same way.

It will be earth-shattering, even if he appears to take it really well. It's a core belief about himself. The Uni may have counselling resources.

We've had a few surprises like this in my family. Not parents, but siblings, grandparents etc. suddenly finding out. It is traumatic and there are a multitude of reactions from bland acceptance to rage.

For the people reading, it is always better to tell the true story from birth, in an age-appropriate way.

@MrsTerryPratchett Completely agree.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know that the mum I have now is a step ( adoptive ) mother after my birth mother died young.

No secrecy.
However when I got married a registrar said “ You do realise you are adopted, don’t you!”

The nausea and spinning feeling I felt then I will never forget- Thinking Dad wasn’t my own dad as well as losing mum!

Good decision and good that your ex is supporting.

Suggest you avoid labouring the 'all those big life milestones just got in the way' because that sounds so feeble as a reason.

From birth to age 8 at least not a lot happens in terms of 'shocking life news that could derail a young man'... You had ample time, and maybe you don't want to face that, so are minimising... Which is understandable but emotionally cowardly.

It wouldn't surprise me, if you did some deep personal reflection, that you might conclude the real reason deep down was that you wished his dad was his bio dad, you were busy building a family together and the truth was a bit of a fly in the idyllic ointment... you didn't like to break the illusion, so maintained it instead.

Now with hindsight you realise this could bite you on the bum and you're having to allow the truth to have it's moment.

That's a human (if not admirable) thing to do and I'd honestly respect that reason more than 'well it was always your gcse's (or other life stage) just around the corner' <hand wring> bollocks.

Oh @oakleaffy how difficult. I'm glad Dad is Dad

To do together with ex sounds a plan. Hope goes well

You partner blackmailing you was terrible but this was never a secret you could have “taken to your grave” anyway due to the wide availability of DNA testing and the need for people to know their parentage for medical reasons. So it’s just as well your hand has been forced really. Good luck.

Have a watch of the BBC documentary “a Stranger in the family” on iPlayer. Young lad finds out in his 20s that his step Dad is not his bio Dad, but it’s all fine and really heartwarming in the end.

He was denied the truth of his heritage. He may understand why, but it is not true that there was no need for him to have this knowledge.

Of course I’m sure you live your life completely perfectly :)

What an immature response. You said no one knows what they would do in the same situation (hiding your child’d identity) and I said of course lots of people would know what to do!

I knew from being tiny that my Dad was not my birth father and as others have said upthread, it really is the best possible thing in such a situation. However, what's done is done and I think you're right to do this with his Dad (because that's what your ex husband is) to give as much explanation and reassurance as possible. Be really honest, apologise and be prepared for questions about the identity of his birth father. You do owe him answers about that.

Then get rid of the utter prick you're currently married to.

I just don’t see what you’ve achieved by kicking another woman when they’re already down. Guess if it makes you feel better about your own life eh? :)

I was responding directly to your ‘no one knows’ which in my opinion was wrong.

How to tell my 12 year old son his father used his lie about why I wanted Police to to talk to him to gain custody of both my children for year.

That same father is Masturbating in front of my 7 year old daughter and the police and social services no about it but their wasn

@paularubotham you need to start your own thread for specific advice because answers here will be to the (old) OP rather than to you

I think you do need to tell him, as it will come out, and you need to do it soon, as your current partner (what a w nker) has forced your hand. I think you also need to tell your ex husband before you tell your son. if he has raised your son as his own, he needs to be prepared, as he is part of this. he may need time to process it so he can still be there for your son when your son understands the truth about his paternity.

your son will likely want to know about his biological father. you can tell him the basics, but it is your son’s right to have his name or identifying information if he wants it, and to decide for himself later whether he wants to reach out, even if there is a high chance of rejection.

your son may have a strong reaction at first and may be angry, especially about not being told earlier. you can’t really control that. all you can do is be steady, be honest, and take responsibility for the decision not to tell him sooner, without trying to justify it.
after some time, you could offer counselling if he wants it. there are therapists who deal with identity and paternity issues, particularly in donor-conceived situations, and that kind of support might help.

It's a really difficult situation. x

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