Please help with advice on how to tell my 19 year old his dad isn’t his biological dad 😭

[SpoonyOP]

I desperately need advice I know I am going to get abuse for this but I really don’t know where else to turn, I have a 19 year old son who was raised by my ex husband from the age of 15months. my son has his name due to it being changed by deed poll, I have other children with my ex husband and I know it is wrong but he has never known that my ex husband is not his biological dad. His real dad was a fling when I was really young and he wanted nothing to do with my son when I was pregnant or when he was born. There was never a right time to tell him which I know is a really poor excuse and I know it sounds even worse but I I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary hurt so it was a secret I would have taken to my grave however I am not currently in a great marriage and when I have tried to leave he has threatened on 3 occasions now to tell my son the truth cause he wants to blow my world apart like I will be doing to him. I can’t risk him hearing it from someone else but I don’t even know where to begin on telling him the truth, I don’t want him to hate me 😭😭💔💔

You need to tell your ex and the 2 of you can work together to tell your DS, then run as fast as you can from current abusive prick.

Did you read what she said that the current husband is threatening to tell?

as ive now posted twice! my bad i missed it!

If he didn’t need to know why on earth does your current husband know?

If I were your ds I’d be fucking furious that you've told your current husband and not him. How many people know except the one person that matters?

I don’t why the judgement or guilt. Your ex stepped up to be the dad your child needed, he didn’t care about biology. You both did what you believed was right by your child. Granted I think there should have been a plan to tell him when he was old enough, I think now is a good time.

lots of good advice on approach for this. Let you ex know you are going to do it. Do you have any contact details for your son’s biological father as he may want to try to contact.

Although this is bad it might have been revealed in an even worse way for example your ex needing bone marrow or kidney and your son finding out that he can’t be tested on the basis of being a blood relation.

The biggest mistake you’ve made here is telling your current husband information that you hadn’t shared with your son. It has allowed him to weaponise this against you to hurt you and your son.

Your son does have a right to know (i say this having a child raised by another man who is her Dad and she has no relationship with her bio)

You have my sympathy. Your current husband is awful. Truly awful.

Rip the elastoplast off and never forgive your husband.

Your ex has stepped up, remained Dad and behaved as a loving father should

How do you get on with your XH?

I think you need to talk to him as a matter of some urgency, and work out how you best tell him, ideally together. Is he likely to be cooperative?

You don't have to answer this publicly, but did XH ever adopt DS? That might make a difference to how you decide what you're going to say

With the updated info I would also get your ex on board with the discussion. Then hopefully this horrible husband will soon be a distance memory. The advice re telling often and early is very good but we've learned it from lots of people who didn't tell and their children found out in a distressing way. I had a course mate at uni who found out she was adopted when clearing out the attic of her Mum who died of a long battle with dementia. It was incredibly difficult for her to process in a really traumatic time. It's time he knows now, there isn't any point punishing yourself for it you did what you felt was right at the time

I think you should reach out to ex husband and meet up to discuss how you are going to approach this together and tell your son together. Soon!!

Definitely warn the ex husband. It sounds though as if that relationship is still ok so you can be clear with ds that he is still there for him as a Dad. It might also be a chance for ds to find his original dad, who might be completely different now.

You and your ex-h need to sort out a plan to tell him jointly - presumably your ex-h is still in his life and you both planned to tell him about this at some stage?

I thought I could trust him and I thought he loved me had I known he would use it to blackmail me I wouldn’t have told him. If I could go back in time and do it all different believe me I would, I didn’t want him to feel unwanted by his biological dad and then as time passed it got harder and harder, I didn’t want him feeling different from his siblings and then he had GCSE’s, then A-levels and now he is at uni and I never wanted to disrupt any of these big steps in his life but as I said if I could go back and do things differently believe me I would in a heartbeat.

Can I ask why you think it's important that a child knows they were conceived by IVF? that's just the method of conception. I'm planning on telling them but it's not essential, unlike genealogy.

Same here, knowing you are an IVF child isn't 'earth shattering' - it's a different way of starting the shoots of life, the outcome is the same as if it happened outside of a laboratory.

There are essentially 3 ways to deal with blackmail:

1. pay them (not going to work in this case as it's not reasonable to live like this)
2. call their bluff (often works but you can't risk it in this case as the news will cause much more harm coming from your DH than you)
3. take away the blackmailer's power i.e. tell your son yourself

You have to do 3. There's no good way to do it but I'd recommend getting your ex onboard before you do.

You have to accept that there will likely be hurt feelings from your 19yo, and he's entitled to them. What you've done (keeping the secret, not having him by a different man) is heinous. So, that's the first thing.

The second thing you need to prepare for is the inevitable "hang on, are you only telling me this under threat of current-husband outing you??". This will almost certainly make things worse.

These are the consequences of your inaction catching up with you.

BUT, you've also provided him with what sounds like a loving family with a father-figure who did well by him. You're obviously still there and clearly love him dearly. It may be a while before he appreciates that this counts for a lot, and you will have to allow him the time to understand that. But bottom line, there's nothing you can do to escape the backlash you might get. It'll be justified. Brace yourself and get yourself in the frame of mind where you can give him space and time to absorb what you're telling him, and be ready for any and all answers.

You'll also need to think about his siblings and their feelings.

What a mess. I understand why you lied at the outset, but you and your ex-DH really have made a huge mistake here.

I think you should get together with your ex and your son and tell him together, while reassuring him that in every meaningful sense your ex is still his father.

Our friends were in the same situation as you.
She was pregnant when she got with her husband.
He helped raise the lad. For all intents and purpose
he was his dad.
Fast forward 28 years the lads child needed a life
changing operation. All the family needed to be tested
don't know the full reason. Mum had to tell him then.
It's caused a lot of grief in the family.

Please tell your child asap. At the time you thought you were
doing the best thing.

My husband found out that his step father who had adopted him was not his biological father from other kids at secondary school. He has never held how he found out against his mother. He loathed his step father who was abusive. He met his biological father as an adult but never forgave him for walking out on him and not being involved. He loved his mother though.

It would be better coming from you, you have to find some time where you can sit down together privately and let him know. Explain your reasons for not saying before. It will be a shock, but it can also be helpful for him to know about medical history.

How much longer does he have at Uni?

I agree. Tell your ex and then take your son out together. Make sure he knows you both have his back. A joint front will send a powerful message. He's an adult now so don't hide the fact your partner is blackmailing you.

He’s in his first year so still another 3 years

Honestly if he's not too far away go pick him up at the weekend check in on him and let him know. Aim to have his Dad figure there too or at least update him. Try and make it some quality time together. I think by criticising yourself about what's already happened and reading other criticisms you are just going to work yourself into a state which won't help. Does he like your husband? He may be more pleased you're ending it than anything else although I do imagine they'll be a lot to process and he'll probably be upset

Most important thing, did you get child maintenance from the father?

You need to tell him soon.

I would say, having had a close friend experience something similar, that the main thing is to be totally accepting of how he feels about it. My friend found out via a dna test and her parents were very defensive and tried to explain the deception away or even try and say they weren’t sure who her father was. When she met her biological father they were very hurt and angry that she wanted to do it. Really their reactions were far more hurtful and hard to deal with than the facts.