Please help with advice on how to tell my 19 year old his dad isn’t his biological dad 😭

[SpoonyOP]

I desperately need advice I know I am going to get abuse for this but I really don’t know where else to turn, I have a 19 year old son who was raised by my ex husband from the age of 15months. my son has his name due to it being changed by deed poll, I have other children with my ex husband and I know it is wrong but he has never known that my ex husband is not his biological dad. His real dad was a fling when I was really young and he wanted nothing to do with my son when I was pregnant or when he was born. There was never a right time to tell him which I know is a really poor excuse and I know it sounds even worse but I I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary hurt so it was a secret I would have taken to my grave however I am not currently in a great marriage and when I have tried to leave he has threatened on 3 occasions now to tell my son the truth cause he wants to blow my world apart like I will be doing to him. I can’t risk him hearing it from someone else but I don’t even know where to begin on telling him the truth, I don’t want him to hate me 😭😭💔💔

That's the most important thing???

Did you not read the post?

You should have told him a long time ago. What if he develops any kind of health issue at anytime... he would give the wrong family history. My Ex husband had a cousin who found out she was adopted at Guide Camp.

But as it is... I suggest you and him go out somewhere, away from the rest of the family (unless your Ex wants to be there too, as he still treats him as a son). Tell your son, and give him space to react however he wants. And make sure he knows you both love him, and are ready to answer any questions at anytime.

Hi OP. I have first hand experience of this. My husband got told at the same age of your son, that the dad he grew up with and admired wasn't his real dad. I genuinely don't want to put the boot in but he never recovered.

He was heartbroken and it was the only time I saw him cry. 40 years later, he's never recovered and the anger and bitterness still exists.

As I said, I really don't want to hurt you by saying the conversation will be so hard, I just want want you to be totally prepared and rehearse your answers to difficult questions.

But you absolutely need to tell him asap. Hearing from someone else will be terrible.

It sounds like your ex husband stepped up. I’ve never known my dad at all but if they get on and he has a good relationship with his ‘dad’ (your ex) then perhaps he might just end up grateful there was a man willing to step in and treat him as one of his own, looking out for his best interest. I know I would have been grateful for that if I were him.
It could all be very anticlimactic for your current husband to find out that actually your son knows now and although he’s shocked he’s ok and working through it with you and his ‘dad’.

If your ex has a good relationship with him this would be good coming from both of you perhaps. You can explain how it came about and that the right time was just never right enough and your ex can assure him that it doesn’t change anything between them and he still sees him and feels for him as his own son (if he does of course). In some ways that feels like it could be a nice way to get it done and your current ‘D’H can swivel. It could be the opportunity needed to finally put things right.

Wishing you lots of luck x

Why did you tell your ex if you hadn’t told your son? If you can keep a secret from your son surely you should have kept it from ex?

Quoting this so people see it again just to reiterate how important it is!

I found out when I was 30 ish as there was some family drama and a family friend felt it was right I knew why one set of grandparents always treated me differently. He didn't tell me but told me to speak to my mum asking for more info. He kind of forced her hand which is unfair but not as unfair as me knowing everyone around me knew this massive thing that only really affected me. I'm so grateful to him but I know some people weren't.

I would have either the 2 of you or 3 together, no one else and just tell him. Have a list of responses to potential questions ready, give him time and make sure he knows it came from a place of love. Assuming his siblings don't know either? Ask him to let you know when to tell them.

P.s new guy is a walking red flag. I get his intentions and he is right but is he a dick about it or is it for the greater good?

You should tell him anyway. Poor lad. Be prepared for the damage this is going to do though. But it's more wrong to not tell him.

My Dad found out at age 40, that the man who he thought was his Dad, wasn't. He never got over it.....I know it's very hard but the sooner he knows, the sooner you and he can begin talking openly and try and move forward.

With such easy access to DNA testing these days, these things just won't stay secret and as difficult as it is, honesty is best I think.

(I say this as the mum of a son who is adopted, knows he is adopted, has always known and talks openly about this; something I have always been super clear is non negotiable - the absolute openness)

I wish you all the best - the decision you made was for very genuine reasons and hopefully your son will understand

I've not read the whole thread, but please tell him now, he should know who his bio Dad is.

i foun out my nan wasnt my nan wen i wasin my twenties-wasnt happy being lied to apprently she dint want us to know

you need to tell him theres been years where you could have annow youre being blackmailed by wat doesnt sound like a nice man

Given that the man he thinks is his dad, isn't there one making the threats, I suggest you tell 'dad' the situation, that there is a serious risk of him finding out in the worst and most painful way possible, and then both of you sit him down and tell him together.

Then you can reassure dad is still dad, fully wanted him, still loves him, and it was never done to deceive, so much as an ill thought out attempt to be an undivided family and not make him feel different to his siblings when young.

Present a united loving caring front and tell him as kindly and quickly as you both can.

I think it is because it rocks your foundations of your core identity.

Suddenly you are not who you thought you were.

Whereas if you know from day one, it's inbuilt and your identity is solid based on truth.

I haven't read the whole thread but it seems to me...

The current partner/husband is as nasty as hell - get rid of him now.
The ex who raised your son, ask for his help when breaking this to your 19 year old. You weren't trying to deceive him, you were trying to do the best for him, even if your judgement wasn't sound.

My parents didn't tell me there was doubt over my parentage. They just treated me differently from my brother. I thought it was just nastiness and sexism. On the whole, I'm glad I didn't know as a small child.

I was over 60 when I found out. My dad had his dna tested to confirm his Irish ancestry. I later, had my dna tested for the same reason. The message came up '[Dad's full name] is your father.' I mentioned this in passing to my dad and his response was very telling... "Show me!" My mum was dead by then and the truth came out.

Tell your boy, today, tomorrow, very very soon.

Wow, this is what some people call karma...

You and exh just need to bite the bullet and sit him down and tell him. I know you didn't tell him for reasons that seemed sound at the time but he has a right to know who his biological parents are and you should never have kept this from him. Now it is going to come as a shock and he will quite rightly probably be very upset that there has been deception all these years. Exh needs to reassure him that he loves him exactly the same as his biological children and always will. You need to explain your reasons for not telling him before. Be prepared to give him space if needed for him to come to terms with this. Offer to pay for some counselling if he is willing for him to talk through all the emotions this is going to bring up.

How well do you and ex get on? Is ex still in parental contact with your Ds?

If so I think it could be good to involve him in telling your Ds, so that your Ds knows that come what may your ex loves him and considers himself Dad for life even if he is not bio

And then leave your current H as fast and decisively as possible. A man who is prepared to use your son to blackmail you is not a man you can stay with. For reasons including his total contempt for the emotional wellbeing of your Ds.

I agree with @WomenInConstruction :

"I think it is because it rocks your foundations of your core identity.

Suddenly you are not who you thought you were. "

Op must have known this. How you ever did this, I can't comprehend. You can't have thought it through.

Be prepared for the damage, the fallout. This is one of the most awful threads I've read in years on mn. Possibly ever.

But if you don't tell him? It could be worse. Imagine if he ever found out, late after you'd gone. That'll be even worse. That'd destroy him even more.

I agree that it rocks your core, but how it is handled from then on is crucial.

My mum only told my bro in his mid-30s that our dad wasn't his biological dad, even though she'd realized early on (my parents had an open relationship), because - she said - he was so emotionally unstable before then and she didn't want to dump it on him until he was ready. I, his older sister-by 3 years, had bloody guessed by their utter physical difference in my teens, but my mum refused to tell me.
Then eventually she told him and I think it was really earth-shattering for him.

But our dad agreed to DNA tests, everyone supported him in his identity crisis, he identified and met his real dad, and we even had family therapy (not with bio dad)for 6 sessions to work through the feelings jointly. (Highly recommend - and when you do family sessions it's not expensive per person)

I can't speak for my bro now but I think it's ok. I think he's come to terms with it. I think some of the hardest things were actually the side things, like suddenly realizing he wasn't a biological part of our dad's abroad family, who he loves deeply and has been to live with, etc. But actually now we all realize nowt has changed?

The best time to tell was a loooong time ago. The second best time is now.

It's late in the day but be honest now. With your ex if possible but as soon as you can. I wouldn't tell him that your husband is threatening you although if he asks "Why are you telling me now?" or "Who else knows?" I would tell him the truth. You know he is going to be hurt and you have misguidedly tried to protect him. Don't make it about yourself, just take responsibility for your bad decision - not the decision to have him but the decision to keep this secret. You could (and should) have been open about this since he was a baby

Also think carefully about who else has known. Do the other children? Will your current partner tell them? So you need to decide with your ex and your son how to tell them that they are half siblings in an age appropriate way.

Both of your families - one set of grandparents is not his biological grandparents. Your parents and any uncles and aunts haven’t been open.
I’m sure the families will have been led by you but your son may see them differently as well. Even if they have always treated your DS the same he might just starting questioning.

There will also be a few practical questions- not for now and not quite yours to deal with - your ex and if your exes family are alive and the children may benefit under a will does it include your son - could be very painful. If your ex has no will your son would not inherit.

I find it hard to believe your son has never seen his birth certificate.

This

mini blondes 7 knows she is ivf as I needed help to have a baby

told her when she was maybe 3/4 that I needed help to get a baby in my tummy and went abroad to get a baby doctor to help and she is my most precious thing

she takes it in her stride as knows no diff iyswim

i know of 3 friends who met their now partner when they child was a baby /toddler so they grew up thinking step dad was their bio dad

they are now 7 like dd - 12 and 17/18

all 3 dads not in the picture and never paid maintenance

I’ve said to the one dd age mum that she needs to mention it asap to sow the seeds

12yr mum says no not telling

17/18 I think will suss it out as knows they’ve been a couple since he was 2 - together 15yrs but hasn’t actually said he isn’t their bio dad

but not sure how he will take it that he has a dad out there who didn’t want him

it’s tricky 🥲