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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Please help with advice on how to tell my 19 year old his dad isn’t his biological dad 😭

145 replies

SpoonyOP · 09/01/2025 20:31

I desperately need advice I know I am going to get abuse for this but I really don’t know where else to turn, I have a 19 year old son who was raised by my ex husband from the age of 15months. my son has his name due to it being changed by deed poll, I have other children with my ex husband and I know it is wrong but he has never known that my ex husband is not his biological dad. His real dad was a fling when I was really young and he wanted nothing to do with my son when I was pregnant or when he was born. There was never a right time to tell him which I know is a really poor excuse and I know it sounds even worse but I I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary hurt so it was a secret I would have taken to my grave however I am not currently in a great marriage and when I have tried to leave he has threatened on 3 occasions now to tell my son the truth cause he wants to blow my world apart like I will be doing to him. I can’t risk him hearing it from someone else but I don’t even know where to begin on telling him the truth, I don’t want him to hate me 😭😭💔💔

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 10/01/2025 08:37

You say that you would do things differently if you could go back in time. Well, now is your chance to do things differently so that you're not looking back in a few more years time wishing that you'd told him.

Regardless of your current husband's intentions, you should tell your son out of moral obligation anyway and to give him the truth that he deserves. Now is the time for you to get this done, otherwise you could have truly massive regret ahead of you. He really deserves to know.

Hermitta · 10/01/2025 08:37

Ideally he would have grown up with the truth, but that ship has sailed.

The next best thing would be to remain in ignorance, this could destroy his world and internal view of himself.

This isn't very moral, but could you start painting the current nasty husband as batshit crazy, saying he is coming out with all kinds of crazy shit to hurt you and your family to prevent you from leaving.

Add a few additional ones. 'He says I'm having an affair with uncle bob', 'he says my daughter hit him with a golf club and killed the dog' 'he says your father isn't really your father' etc.

And get everyone away from this abusive shithead (and don't trust huge family secrets to anyone in future).

Christmassoxs · 10/01/2025 08:40

I wold telling my ds the truth and dumping the piece of shit i'd just married. Total scummy behaviour on his part.

Carouselfish · 10/01/2025 08:41

Listen, it is going to be awful however you do it. But it should be face to face. You should swear to do whatever you can to help him find him. And you shouldn't delay. My stepsister didn't find out who her father was until it was too late, he passed away and she never had a chance to meet him. That is not something she'll ever forgive for. Admit it was a mistake not to tell him from the start and don't defensively try to justify your position.

sandgrown · 10/01/2025 08:45

As someone who found out my stepdad was not my dad from a “friend” in my teens you do need to tell your son . My mum did acknowledge the fact when I asked her but never gave me any details. I know she did it for the right reasons and to give me security as being illegitimate was a real stigma when I was born. After they died I did start searching for my bio dad but it’s so hard without information. It will be a hard conversation but make sure you are the one to tell him. Would your ex who has been dad to your son want to be present too ? Good luck xl

oakleaffy · 10/01/2025 08:47

The third man is an arse threatening to tell.

Why the heck did third man even need to know!

OnlyWhenILaugh · 10/01/2025 08:49

SengaNaLenga · 10/01/2025 08:33

Sorry to quote all this, but YES THIS! I think your wording is very good particularly, about the important stages of life and that your reasons for not telling him came from a place of love and concern for him, but that you are now sorry you didn't tell him sooner.

I also agree with not needing to mention to DS that you're telling him now because current H is threatening to tell him, and not telling current H you've told him.

Show quote history

I would change "probably should have told you .." to "We know we should have told you ..." And give genuine apology for not doing so.
But agree this is the right approach

crumblingschools · 10/01/2025 08:51

@Hermitta and what happens if the son ever does DNA thing and finds out he isn’t related to his dad. He’ll then remember his mother saying those things to him, would be even worse

Everyone has the right to know their biological make up, what they do with that information is up to them.

I’m adopted, have always known I am adopted and have no desire to trace birth parents but I know I have that option. When asked about medical history I have to say I have none

SengaNaLenga · 10/01/2025 08:51

OnlyWhenILaugh · 10/01/2025 08:49

I would change "probably should have told you .." to "We know we should have told you ..." And give genuine apology for not doing so.
But agree this is the right approach

Show quote history

Yes, I agree.

Golden407 · 10/01/2025 08:54

mollymazda · 09/01/2025 20:44

why do you need to tell him now? you says he's your ex? did he step up as far as the children and finances were concerned when you split?

I don't see the point in telling him now? what will it gain?

Show quote history

You don't believe he has a right to know who his biological parent is?

WomenInConstruction · 10/01/2025 09:09

OnlyWhenILaugh · 10/01/2025 08:49

I would change "probably should have told you .." to "We know we should have told you ..." And give genuine apology for not doing so.
But agree this is the right approach

Show quote history

Agree, using that language to soften three blame and ease your guilt will only harden his anger.

Full unequivocal apology, hands up. - sorry for how this will impact you we want to make this better no more secrets only support.

Try to give understanding for how you decided to hide this information but not excuses!

NewGreenDuck · 10/01/2025 09:40

Has he really not seen his birth certificate? Have you never had to show it, with the deed poll for any reason? Does he have a passport? I just find that a bit odd.

HappyPanda613 · 10/01/2025 09:43

It’s probably best you do not tell him, for the sake of his relationship with you. It’s not like it really matters who his real father is, as he was not involved in his life in any way and you would just hurt him if you revealed the truth that he’s been living a lie.

Be kind to yourself, I can tell you love your son greatly and want what’s best for him, which is a mother who believes in wholeheartedly. Do not shatter that illusion.

crumblingschools · 10/01/2025 09:44

@HappyPanda613 such bad advice. Other people know. How shit would you feel if you found out by other means and then found out other people knew.

Everyone has the right to know their true parentage.

OnlyWhenILaugh · 10/01/2025 09:48

HappyPanda613 · 10/01/2025 09:43

It’s probably best you do not tell him, for the sake of his relationship with you. It’s not like it really matters who his real father is, as he was not involved in his life in any way and you would just hurt him if you revealed the truth that he’s been living a lie.

Be kind to yourself, I can tell you love your son greatly and want what’s best for him, which is a mother who believes in wholeheartedly. Do not shatter that illusion.

Did you not even read the OP?
Not only is your advice outrageous (everyone has the right to know there own life history!) But the OP's current dh is threatening to tell her ds!

Msmoonpie · 10/01/2025 09:49

Wow.

I imagine your son will feel very betrayed and angry that you didn’t tell him. Worse you are only telling him now as your hand is being forced. You have lied to him his entire life.

This may end your relationship with him.

Be prepared for that.

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 10/01/2025 10:40

When you tell I would frame it as your ex was his dad just not biologically.

My kids are a bit younger but I had a relationship and another child with my ex. My son always saw his birth father so knew the truth but even now I've split with ex my son sees him more than his dad. My ex has stepped up to have ds when I've had to take dd to hospital. Taken leave from work to have the kids when I've been in hospital and birth father refused. My ds calls my ex his step dad, sometimes uses his name sometimes calls him dad, asks after him FaceTimes him, says love you to him even though he knows he isn't his father he sees him as a dad because he's always there for him when ds needs.

So when telling your ds I would keep biological father and dad as very separate and different things. You are not telling your ds the man he thinks is his dad isn't his dad- he's been his dad that is the truth. He's just not his biological father and that's a very different thing

changecandles · 10/01/2025 11:29

Ask your current partner if what he is demanding is that you just stay in the relationship. For good. Even though he knows you don't want to.

Is that winning in his mind? Having a trapped woman who doesn't love him life with him? Weird.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 10/01/2025 11:41

mollymazda · 09/01/2025 20:44

why do you need to tell him now? you says he's your ex? did he step up as far as the children and finances were concerned when you split?

I don't see the point in telling him now? what will it gain?

Show quote history

Read the posts

BigSilly · 10/01/2025 12:04

It's not just the issue of his biological dad telling him, so many people are doing these genealogy DNA kits.

Gulbekian · 10/01/2025 12:17

Would it help or be possible for you and your ex husband to tell him together so that your ex could reassure him that, in his eyes and even if it was wrong not to tell him the real lay of the land sooner, he considers him his son and loves him like his own?

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/01/2025 13:46

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/01/2025 08:19

@SpoonyOP Maybe you should just get it all out in the open.

But first I would speak to your ex husband, tell him that your current husband is threatening to tell your son the truth, and discuss how you both think it would be best to proceed. Your ex husband is likely to have an opinion on this too, and I'm sure he'd rather hear from you that there's a risk of it all coming out now, than have your son call him up out of the blue and say, "Why didn't you tell me you're not my real father?"

It sounds like he is in fact your son's real father, in every sense other than the biological sense.

Perhaps the two of you could meet up with your son together, say you have something important to tell him, and then just say, "There's no easy way to tell you this, and we probably should have told you years ago. But Dad isn't your biological father. We met when you were a baby and he was happy to raise you as his own. Every time we've considered telling you over the years, you've been at an important stage of life which we didn't want to disrupt, but now you're an adult and you deserve to know the truth. Sorry for not telling you sooner."

I probably wouldn't even mention your current husband threatening to let the cat out of the bag. Just tell your son, in what you and your ex husband think is the best way. And then don't tell your current husband that your son already knows. Let him believe he can continue to dangle this over you, but just grey rock him. Because if you tell your son and then you say to your current husband, "I told him, so you can't threaten me anymore", he can still do damage by speaking to your son when he's still reeling from this news and saying something like, "they never would have told you but I thought you deserved to know and I told your mum that if she didn't tell you, I would". Whereas if you don't tell him your son already knows, he'll probably continue to use the threat of telling him for a while yet, and then if he ever does tell your son, hopefully it'll be long enough after you told him that he will just say, "Yes, I've known that for a while."

I think this is perfect @MissScarletInTheBallroom

BunnyLake · 10/01/2025 13:49

Pinkyponkz · 10/01/2025 08:22

Don’t beat yourself up OP. Nobody knows how they’d react unless in that situation

Show quote history

Well thats not entirely true, I know I would never have created such a secret and I’m sure I’m not alone by a long way. I agree though that there’s no point in OP beating herself up anymore. She knows she’s made a big mistake but now is the time to focus on speaking to her son (best if ex is present).

BunnyLake · 10/01/2025 14:02

Hermitta · 10/01/2025 08:37

Ideally he would have grown up with the truth, but that ship has sailed.

The next best thing would be to remain in ignorance, this could destroy his world and internal view of himself.

This isn't very moral, but could you start painting the current nasty husband as batshit crazy, saying he is coming out with all kinds of crazy shit to hurt you and your family to prevent you from leaving.

Add a few additional ones. 'He says I'm having an affair with uncle bob', 'he says my daughter hit him with a golf club and killed the dog' 'he says your father isn't really your father' etc.

And get everyone away from this abusive shithead (and don't trust huge family secrets to anyone in future).

Have I read this wrong or are you advising to just pile on more lies?

Are you not aware that people can have ancestry tests now, or that they might need family testing for health reasons. How can a person look at themselves in the mirror after piling on more bullshit to cover their lies.

SemperIdem · 10/01/2025 14:09

Tell him in the most matter of fact, kind way possible. With a heavy emphasis on how much his legal dad loves him and has done since he was a tiny child.

Please do not take any quite frankly, insane advice, to not tell him.

I know two men who only found out the men who raised them was not in fact their dad, after the men in question had already died. In their late teens oddly enough. They respective mothers didn’t tell them, they found out through other means. It has profoundly damaged them. Whereas I think being told honestly, would have made a huge difference to how they took in and processed the news.