Please help with advice on how to tell my 19 year old his dad isn’t his biological dad 😭

[SpoonyOP]

I desperately need advice I know I am going to get abuse for this but I really don’t know where else to turn, I have a 19 year old son who was raised by my ex husband from the age of 15months. my son has his name due to it being changed by deed poll, I have other children with my ex husband and I know it is wrong but he has never known that my ex husband is not his biological dad. His real dad was a fling when I was really young and he wanted nothing to do with my son when I was pregnant or when he was born. There was never a right time to tell him which I know is a really poor excuse and I know it sounds even worse but I I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary hurt so it was a secret I would have taken to my grave however I am not currently in a great marriage and when I have tried to leave he has threatened on 3 occasions now to tell my son the truth cause he wants to blow my world apart like I will be doing to him. I can’t risk him hearing it from someone else but I don’t even know where to begin on telling him the truth, I don’t want him to hate me 😭😭💔💔

Given it's been this long there isn't a perfect way to do it but you're right there's no alternative. I would take him out somewhere given the atmosphere at home and reassure him how much you love him then explain about the decision you may and that you're sorry you didn't tell him. And be prepared that there could be all sorts of reactions. If things are that bad at home he may have picked up somethings going on. Your husband was part of this decision too so he shouldn't be using it as a weapon.

There no good way to share this news with him now, but I think you have to just get on with it, full disclosure, before someone else spills the beans. Very risky to have relied on others to keep your secret for you all this time. No one else looks after your secrets with the care that you do.

Years ago, my school friend and her partner had their only child by sperm donor and said they would never tell the child the truth - but enough of their friends and family knew from "back in the day", that the thought of it coming out with a casual comment / by accident meant that in the end she had to tell the child, by then a teen. Not easy. This was before the days of DNA testing which has become a new source of information for many..

Your ex accepted him as his own and he grew up as part of a family and there was no need to say anything about the original circumstances. All that mattered was that he was loved. Lay that foundation first, then build along the timeline. He might surprise you and easily accept what’s happened.

why do you need to tell him now? you says he's your ex? did he step up as far as the children and finances were concerned when you split?

I don't see the point in telling him now? what will it gain?

I think most people, including your son in time, will understand that there wouldn't have been a good time. I mean realistically, when? When he was playing at 3, going to football with him at 11, doing his GCSEs?!? Totally understandable that you never told him yet.

You have to now. Know it will be difficult, there's no get out to that, but it's a conversation that must be had and must come from you. It needs to be soon op.

It's not entirely clear but I think you're saying your ds thinks your ex is his father not your current husband? Current one is threatening to tell?

What is your relationship with ex like? And what's your ds's relationship with him like?

As Pps have said, this is far from ideal, but if your ex has been a constant and loving father then that may help. But knowing the 2 people he trusted most have lied is likely to be a very difficult thing to process.

What do you think your son will say when he finds out his step dad is threatening his mum?

I had something to tell my son that he should have grown up knowing, as yours should have, and my now ex h would never let me tell him. Taking advice I decided it was the time. I explained why I'd not told him and what it was. It wasn't as big or bad as your secret but as long as you remain calm, be honest, explain and hopefully it will go okay. You have to answer any questions truthfully.

Reading this made me realise I made a mistake in my response too when I reread it. The OP has a current husband who she is still married to. It's this husband who is threatening to tell the sun out of pure malice/ control. He is not the previous husband who the son thinks is his Dad. Is that right OP. But basically she needs to tell him before he hears in a worse unplanned way which is his these things sometimes come out

Sorry I didn’t explain very well my ex husband stepped up and bought him up but we have since separated and my new husband is the one who is threatening to tell him, both me and my ex husband agreed he didn’t need to know

@mollymazda

Maybe it's better to hear the truth from the mother than the step-father? The step-father has threatened to tell.

What if the son and his siblings do genealogy/DNA-testing in the future and they find out that the younger siblings are half-siblings with the oldest sibling?
It might be better for the mother to tell her son about it now.

Have you told your ex that current is threatening to tell?

For reference of anyone reading this who might one day have a child and a potential secret. Something that you would hate for them to discover at 18 because it would rock their world.

Adoption, different parentage, egg or sperm donation, IVF, parents with HIV, previous miscarriages, prior marriages, you get the drift (all of these in my immediate circle so hardly as rare as you’d think, and I’ve seen lots of same on MN before)

You MUST tell them, young and often. Literally start telling them when they are babies, so you are so used to talking about it that it’s no big deal and they grow up ALWAYS knowing these things to be true in an age appropriate way.

No child deserves to find out something earth shattering by accident, malice or whatever when they are old enough to be devastated by the news.

No child will care if they’ve heard it since before they were old enough to really understand and it’s always been part of their story.

ah i see.. my bad! can i assume that your current husband and your 19 year old don't get on?

@mollymazda sorry, but are you crazy? This man deserves to know who his father is.

No I haven’t told anyone other than you all here 😢

You must tell him, and his siblings.

And your current dh . He sounds delightful...

You have to tell your ex. How do you get on now?

Yes they do he is threatening it purely to get to me

if you see my reply above... i misread the situation is all! and for reference his dad, in his mind OP's ex... that is very clear.... its his bio dad he has a right to know!

Why on earth is your new husband treating to tell your son that??

I agree your son should know the truth though, he may well find out at some point in the future anyway. It would be better coming from you and your ex. But it's not for your new husband to be poking his nose into

If I could change things I really would and I completely get all judgment 😢

He does need to know.

then i suggest you leave him, and perhaps, even thought it will be difficult, you may have to sit 19 year old down with your ex and explain the situation. it won't be easy, but i'm sure there is help out there to help you navigate this

Has he never seen his birth certificate?

In any case, tell him this evening. Take power and control back, explain what the sitution is, explain the reasons why you and 'dad' didnt tell him, explain he was loved and wanted by you and ex husband and you're sorry you didnt tell him but he has a right to know and thats why you're telling him now.

@SpoonyOP

Thank you for explaining that it is your new husband that is threatening to tell your son, not the husband that raised him.

Whoever is threatening to tell him - it's important that you tell you son the truth first! It will be worse if hear it from someone else.

Sit down with him, tell him. @Pieandchips999 had some good advice on how.

I wish you and your children all the best!