Please help with advice on how to tell my 19 year old his dad isn’t his biological dad 😭

[SpoonyOP]

I desperately need advice I know I am going to get abuse for this but I really don’t know where else to turn, I have a 19 year old son who was raised by my ex husband from the age of 15months. my son has his name due to it being changed by deed poll, I have other children with my ex husband and I know it is wrong but he has never known that my ex husband is not his biological dad. His real dad was a fling when I was really young and he wanted nothing to do with my son when I was pregnant or when he was born. There was never a right time to tell him which I know is a really poor excuse and I know it sounds even worse but I I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary hurt so it was a secret I would have taken to my grave however I am not currently in a great marriage and when I have tried to leave he has threatened on 3 occasions now to tell my son the truth cause he wants to blow my world apart like I will be doing to him. I can’t risk him hearing it from someone else but I don’t even know where to begin on telling him the truth, I don’t want him to hate me 😭😭💔💔

This

Why? You can have the short version which I don't think has these details. Additionally, OP hasn't said the biological dad is on the birth certificate (if I'm correct) so it could be a blank space.

I didn't see mine until I got my dad added to mine at 30 when I was told. Before that it was the short one only and I was given a reason for my dad not being on there. I don't actually know if my dad is my biological dad.

I hope you’re planning on leaving your new husband. Doesn’t your son have a birth certificate that he has seen, or did you lie about his father? You need to tell your son asap.

Unfortunately OP did not think anything through. Because she thought she could trust the current husband she told him her secret, which was an appalling idea and to my mind inexcusable. Just why would you do that no matter how trustworthy you think they are. I thought keeping stupid, dangerous secrets like this went out when the stigma of single parents lessened. He was born after 2005, not the 1950s.

It's in the OP that she wants to leave - that's the reason he's threatening her!
It's likely her ds's birth certificate doesn't have parents on it. That's what's on the register of births which you can also get a copy of. But dont need to. This is the case for my dd who is similar age. When she's needed to prove identity for job purposes she's used the certificate which just has her name, date and place of birth

OP there are a lot of children who don’t know that their father isn’t their father. It’s far more common than you think but generally it’s because of donation/infidelity. In your case you had a waste of space for a fling who pissed off as soon as you fell pregnant, and your now ex stepped up and brought your child up as his own.

You’re not the first and you won’t be the last and unlike others, I’m not sure that it matters that he didn’t know. I know too many people who knew their biological father wasn’t their biological father and who felt different growing up, as if they weren’t a part of the family, even though they were brought up exactly the same as the other children.

It’s too black and white to say that the child needs to know growing up, there aren’t actually any right or wrong answers, because what works for one child doesn’t work for another and so on.

These days people place huge emphasis on medical history etc, but reality is that if this man buggered off without a trace, the medical history is never going to be known, and it’s entirely possible it will never be needed.

Your existing husband is a cunt, and I would tell your son and then I would tell him to get the fuck out and never darken your door again. I hope you don’t have kids with him, because if not I would get the divorce sorted and never see or speak to him again.

When you explain to your DS I would do it in such a way as to say that when you and his father (it takes more than biology to make a father) got together, it just happened that you clicked as a family and the time never came up, even less so when you had children with him.

Ime the people who take these things the hardest are the people who didn’t have good relationships with the non biological father in the first place. It’s those people who feel robbed.

I’m in my 50’s, and if my my told me now that my dad wasn’t my biological father I honestly wouldn’t care. he’s my dad, that’s all that matters, and if your ex was a loving father it’s possible that that’s all that will matter to him as well.

People like to imagine that it’s going to bring up resentment, hatred, bad feelings etc but that’s not necessarily the case.

Just go with the flow on this one.

He really should have been told when he was much much younger. Potentially this could be v damaging to him so please tread carefully.

Posted on wrong thread oops

You have to tell your ex first that your son needs to know, and ideally I'd say it might be a good conversation to have together.
I'd also be angry that you told your knew dh, it wasn't his business and going behind your sons back wasn't good.
But don't tell your son without warning your ex.
And be prepared for him to want information about his biological father.

I assume your DS will be going back to uni soon, you need to tell him asap so he has time to start processing this before he goes back.

Is birth dad aware of DC, any way of contacting him?

What a mess. I can tell you your son will be pissed to say the least. You should NEVER lie to your children.
I found out aged 60 via Ancestry DNA which incidentally, I only went into for tracing ancestors and doing the family tree, that my whole life was a lie.
I was absolutely devastated and my relationship with my mother has been shattered.
It sounds like your life is a bit of a mess tbh, maybe live on your own for a bit and try and mend your relationship with your son.

You should never have told new husband if you weren’t going to tell ds. That was the mistake you made. Bad enough not to tell him but ffs don’t go telling other people BEFORE him.
and absolutely you need to speak to your ex too if you’re going to tell ds as it will massively impact him.

I think the first thing you need to do is make a solid plan to leave your current husband. If it was not this that your current husband was hanging over your head it would be some other threat. I do not think you are safe in this relationship if your husband sees fit to weaponise your relationship with your own son against you 🤯

You do need to explain the situation to your son, yes, but not because your current husband is threatening but because your son has a right to know. For all that the situation is heated right now, try to separate the two things in your head. What were you planning to do, never tell your son? Tell your son calmly, and leave your husband soon.

Your son has a right to know where he comes from.

I believe this is a basic human right. Tell him.

It will literally turn his life upside down.
It will hit him in the guts.

How could it not!

@SpoonyOP You were incredibly foolish to not have told him from the earliest age, ( much as how children who were adopted as babies are)

It will be a terrible blow to him- All he has known will be meaningless.

Your husband is a good man to have taken in another man’s son and raised him , but he too should have told your son that he is a stepdad.

No pain free way for the teenager to get this news, unfortunately.

@SpoonyOP Maybe you should just get it all out in the open.

But first I would speak to your ex husband, tell him that your current husband is threatening to tell your son the truth, and discuss how you both think it would be best to proceed. Your ex husband is likely to have an opinion on this too, and I'm sure he'd rather hear from you that there's a risk of it all coming out now, than have your son call him up out of the blue and say, "Why didn't you tell me you're not my real father?"

It sounds like he is in fact your son's real father, in every sense other than the biological sense.

Perhaps the two of you could meet up with your son together, say you have something important to tell him, and then just say, "There's no easy way to tell you this, and we probably should have told you years ago. But Dad isn't your biological father. We met when you were a baby and he was happy to raise you as his own. Every time we've considered telling you over the years, you've been at an important stage of life which we didn't want to disrupt, but now you're an adult and you deserve to know the truth. Sorry for not telling you sooner."

I probably wouldn't even mention your current husband threatening to let the cat out of the bag. Just tell your son, in what you and your ex husband think is the best way. And then don't tell your current husband that your son already knows. Let him believe he can continue to dangle this over you, but just grey rock him. Because if you tell your son and then you say to your current husband, "I told him, so you can't threaten me anymore", he can still do damage by speaking to your son when he's still reeling from this news and saying something like, "they never would have told you but I thought you deserved to know and I told your mum that if she didn't tell you, I would". Whereas if you don't tell him your son already knows, he'll probably continue to use the threat of telling him for a while yet, and then if he ever does tell your son, hopefully it'll be long enough after you told him that he will just say, "Yes, I've known that for a while."

What if he does an ancestry kit in the future? You have to tell him

Don’t beat yourself up OP. Nobody knows how they’d react unless in that situation

💯 100 percent this.

Tell them young.
Tell them often.

Never too young to know.

No secrets.

A child accepts what they always have known.

( I always knew my mum died when I was very young)

To have found that out as a teen would be shocking. ( Dad remarried )

Edit: I didn’t realise it’s a THIRD man threatening to tell, not the second husband , who is the good man who raised the son as his own.

A PP asked what your relationship with your ex is like? If it's reasonable, I personally would go to them first and explain the situation, and decide together how to proceed. I also, ideally, would tell DS with both of you there, so that he has his dad present to reassure him that he loves him and he's still his dad.

Your current husband should not be using this as stick to keep you in a relationship.

I could have written this, I really feel for you, I stayed with mine from fear of him telling my son his dad is not his bio dad.

Sorry to quote all this, but YES THIS! I think your wording is very good particularly, about the important stages of life and that your reasons for not telling him came from a place of love and concern for him, but that you are now sorry you didn't tell him sooner.

I also agree with not needing to mention to DS that you're telling him now because current H is threatening to tell him, and not telling current H you've told him.

No way of knowing how he will take it, of course- but a close friend was taken on a long walk at 21 by his mother so she could tell him that his biological father had been her boss, who she had an affair with. As he tells it, he felt nothing but relief. He was an only child though, and I think he felt he had nothing in common with his dad: they didn't get on. He may already suspect.

It’s not his place or business to tell your son. I’d get rid of him.