Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

You clearly don't get on so I wouldn't be considering holidaying with them

Personally going on holiday with the inlaws sounds absolutely horrific

I do most of my contact with my parents-in-laws. I - the wife - am the one who calls them more (than my husband, their son).

He's just not very communicative on text with anyone.

I do enjoy my parents-in-laws company and I've always made a big effort. I know they really appreciated this and we're now very close.

But I'm all for keeping families together, so guess I don't understand some comments here about 'its' a son problem and I won't be contacting the in-laws if he isn't'.

I get on really well with my FIL but I wouldn't want to go on holiday with him - why do you think your son and DIL would want to go away with you when you speak about them in the way you do?

I know parents of the husband who are the bank of mum and dad. Their son needs money often for the family. We're talking many thousands here annually. Their DIL wouldn't dream of a joint holiday though. She never acknowledged the money either.

Families are different.

She never acknowledged the money either.

Does she know about it?

Did he acknowledge it?

Stop the free childcare and see if they change their tune. They are just using you.

No idea if she knows. He just asks, is given.

The problem is this.......DIL does not want to go with you but your DS does not have the balls to either speak up to his wife and say how unfair he thinks she is being OR he doesn't have the balls to say to you "Neither of us want to go Mum" .

I wonder why they don’t want to go away with you?
perhaps, just for a minute, think if the answer lies partly with you assuming your son is under the thumb? I wouldn’t want to go away with my mil if she thought that of me.

The notion of a man being “under the thumb” is just an excuse to absolve shitty men of any responsibility.

OP you can of course choose to do this. If you did it would probably confirm many things to your son and dil

-That you have zero empathy for their current situation and no genuine interest in helping them be working parents

-That you don't have a genuine interest in having a relationship with your grandchild

-That you're petty af and prepared to sacrifice having a whole day a week to bond with said grandchild over a couple of nights away.

Crack on though. It's a surefire way to ensure that they want nothing more to do with you

Why would an adult man have to inform his parents he was going to centerparcs for 4 days??

This is one time a group chat is really beneficial.

Everyone can see what everyone is saying to each other in the chat.

Try that perhaps.

Maybe because once they were en route the parents got a to do list of parcels to be taken in. Cats feeding times, Etc.

Exactly - the same goes for "henpecked". It's misogyny, as usual.

Why can't these men ever be expected to take any responsibility for anything?

I can actually understand why you are hurt OP. It’s not a fortnight it’s only a couple of days.
Considering they are saving a fortune on childcare with you on duty, I don’t see why they can’t at least acknowledge the request.
However, I might suggest that DIL is probably up to her eyes with stuff on right now.
Leave it with them but personally I wouldn’t ask again.

Of course he checks with his wife first, they're a unit, and they don't want to go on holiday with you

I think you've attracted a lot of negative responses OP due to your title literally being "DiL issue" when it's absolutely your son too- bare minimum 50% but arguably more as your his parent! My DH is so terrible at messaging his family that his mum now just messages me when they want to communicate anything and it really irritates me- not that she messages but that keeping on top of comms with his family is just another task added to my mental load when I view it as his responsibility to reply. Funny how you never see it the other way around, son-in-laws being messaged because the daughter is absolutely terrible at replying.

Re: the holiday, he's right to run it past her, that's how healthy relationships work. (Joint decision making). I'd imagine they clearly don't want to go away and don't know how to say this without upsetting you so have gone radio silence. Maybe they feel they see enough of you already compared to her family? Maybe they want to save annual leave for something else?

What I will say though is that they are behaving in a somewhat entitled fashion if they are happy to use you for free childcare once a week but then not be honest enough to acknowledge that this is what the relationship is to them- transactional. If that's their reasoning.

Would she? Why don’t you stop putting words in strangers mouths. Using people for childcare is utterly wrong full stop.

"A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it."

They havent said 'No' yet.

I think its quite demanding to chase up after a few days.

They will likely have to consider annual leave etc.

You sound like you are cross that the DIL responded.

Do you accept that two working parents with a toddler are busy the week before Christmas and have other more pressing priorities right now and need more time to think about it.

It's not "using people" if they want/ask to do it!

It’s a busy time just before xmas. It’s a strange time to ask and I would feel pressured if it were me being asked. Especially with a follow up call when they’ve already said they’d think about it. It’s seems more about you wanting to go away with them, rather than give them a gift by “paying”. And yes you don’t speak about her very nicely.

what do you not want to get back to her? Surely there is nothing you are saying to your son that isn’t transparent and kind

It's revealing as to how socialisation of males and females tends to work. And it's fair to say there's a far lower bar of expectation set for men than women. Hence women tend to be blamed for all the shortcomings of men, and it's almost always DiL who's viewed as the problem.

It's not unusual not to want to holiday with the in-laws. Relationships differ, which is why the expectation that relationships will be exactly the same with every family member 'because that's fair' is unrealistic.

If DS and DiL are simply expecting free childcare whilst making no investment in the relationship whatsoever, then this is what certainly qualifies as unfair and more likely strays into the territory of CFery.

What does grate on so many people so often on these threads is that it's the women who are always, always held accountable. This is the issue that's often at the root of this problem. And it's also at the root of that age-old cliche you quote below.

A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response.

”Would you like” is always 50/50 in terms of a yes/no answer.

“I love spending time with GD and would really like to spend some quality time with you all as a family - my treat. I was thinking Someplace in Somemonth. We could see/visit Someattraction and I think GD would love Something. What would work for you?” may spark a discussion.

This is totally normal in a healthy communicative marriage - one partner speaking to the other before agreeing to plans. If your son then doesn't come back to you that's a problem with him not your daughter in law. Instead what you should be saying is it's difficult that he doesn't respond or come back once they have made a decision.