Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

Lots of families do do it actually. Lovely generous offer of paternal gp's, but yes, if they really don't want to spend time with them apart from handing over kids for free childcare that's obviously up to them. That doesn't detract from OP's hurt and feeling of rejection. Sons nearly always have to defer to female partbers it seems re arrangements 🤷

Sorry OP, that’s shitty of your son. I would love it if my mum made this offer. Hope you manage to sort something.

This, they are happy with no doubt free childcare but are rude not answering you.
Have a great holiday and spend the money on yourself.

We got railroaded into doing this with my in laws a few times. It was not fun-they are nice people but we have absolutely nothing at all in common with them. We're more than happy to do day trips etc but neither one of us want to go away with them again. My Husband is also really crap at replying to his Mother and so she comes to me which makes me annoyed with him and causes arguments.

I can see both sides as when our kids were little both mums were overbearing and MIL made me feel like crap sometimes. Not that I’m saying you are at all but I didn’t like going away with them! You sound lovely. But I can see how you would be really hurt and it makes me dread this happening with my teens who now have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Heartbreaking really but it’s how it is when they grow up I guess, it’s just depends what their partners are like and if you get on. So hard.

Who have you been texting her or him? If all of your messages have been to him and she responded, that’s not ok. Anyone defending her wouldn’t defend a mother-in-law who responded to her DIL over a conversation she’d been having with her son. It’s not fair to spend time more with one side, unless there are deeper issues. I’m totally with you OP.

I think you need to leave it. They probably have a complicated schedule around work and childcare and taking holiday for anything other than holiday for their family unit could well be a pain.

Honestly I would rather stick pjns in my eyes than use up precious holiday on a weekend with the in laws.

Your DIL sounds like a narcissist. Please look at a face book site called Parents of Narcissistic Adult Children - Support and info. Your situation is very common, sadly. A son’s wife can, through control, slowly but surely alienate her husband from HIS family, while keeping close to her own. It has happened to my friend who used to be VERY close with her youngest son but after he met his girlfriend bit by bit he stopped seeing or communicating with his mum and brother. A few years ago after they moved quite a long way away, out of the blue with no reason at all he ended his relationship with his mum and brother leaving his mum devastated. She hasn’t heard from him in 4 years and doesn’t expect to. This kind of behaviour is becoming very common- I’ve read up on this kind of situation plus narcissistic behaviour and I think you may learn a lot from looking at this site. I wish I could personally speak to you as I have also experienced something similar. For the time being please know you’ve done nothing wrong, but pull back for a while to prevent yourself from getting hurt even more x

I bet you feel like you’re walking on eggshells don’t you? I’ve left a separate message just now - please try and look at the site I’ve suggested, everything you say sounds VERY familiar to what has happened to both me and my friend.

So you’re good enough to look after your granddaughter but not good enough for them to spend actual quality time with you? I’d stop being so available for child care, your son might pick up the phone the. You’re not being unreasonable at all op.

But he doesn't reply to his mum! OP says he isn't good at doing so. Wouldn't she rather actually get a response from someone than not get any response just because her son can't be arsed to send one?! DIL is doing a nice thing by making sure OP is actually acknowledged and answered as her rude son doesn't do so!

I'd stop asking

This!!! My MIL has three adult sons and she loves to blame everything on their partners.

This.

Who goes to drop off/pick up your GD? Can’t you just ask directly in person?

Causing some upset is in order. They’re both ride - your son more so because he’s your son.

@Carleajam

I knew how this would go when I saw it was about your DIL. Sadly everyone on mumsnet hates their MIL No matter what your DIL has done YOU will be blamed by everyone because on here DIL’s are NEVER WRONG.

@Prettydisgustingactually I don't this this is the case, I think a lot of people have great relationships with their MiLs but the issue here is that the OP is blaming her DiL entirely for the situation (as per the title of the thread), when it's the son who is ignoring her and not responding to her messages. So it seems like all the blame is being passed to the DiL by default

My answer for you is to stop trying. You have to come to terms with how your son’s life is now.
My son is exactly the same. I don’t get to see my two GC so it is great you have yours for one day a week.
I used to blame my DIL but my son has feelings and a mouth but still can’t be bothered with his sister and myself.
It was my son’s birthday recently. I called - no answer and I texted ‘happy birthday’ he hasn’t even opened the text let alone responded.
This behaviour is hurtful and cruel but you need to protect yourself. Step back, enjoy the time you spend with GC and let them get on with it.
I am not bothering with my son and his family anymore. I had therapy and sorted it all out in my own head. It still hurts but remember the saying “a son is a son until he gets a wife and a daughter is a daughter for life”.
please try to stop upsetting yourself by asking them to do activities that will be ignored - it really isn’t worth the emotional impact.

This is some serious projection, there is absolutely nothing OP has said that makes DIL look like a narcissist. Insane presumption.

You probably know nothing about how common what I wrote about now is. Adult children becoming estranged from their parents is becoming very common. Including myself I know of 4 other mums it has happened to. I’m sorry if you think I’m over the top but I genuinely have read up on and researched a lot about this kind of thing. Maybe in this case I’m wrong but I’m only trying to help.

I went to so many pubs, clubs, holidays and parties just to be a good friend, sister, daughter.
Until I learned in my late 20's to only do what I want. It's my time, money and more importantly my energy. If I want to do it I'm all in. If not I don't want to be hassled.
There is no such thing as a free holiday/weekend, they would probably rather pay and do exactly what they want, where they want. It sounds harsh but feeling pressured into fulfilling someone else's wishes/wants is exhausting.
I also stopped doing my husband's family admin, cards, visits, presents etc after 10 years, it wasn't important enough for him to put any effort in. They blamed me.
Your son is putting his needs first, it isn't considered selfish these days. There is nothing wrong wanting to spend time with them but they get to choose how they spend their family time and holidays.

Actually, I know quite a lot about it. Adult children very rarely choose to become estranged without very good reason. 9/10 times the parents of these adult children are the narcissists and refuse to acknowledge what they’ve done wrong, even when blatantly told. The adult children themselves are traumatised by the lack of true parental support and understanding while their parents cry about how the estrangement hurts only them.

Many people have lined up to tell OP she is perhaps being a bit full on, that she is choosing to blame her DIL for her sons responsibilities, that her calling her son “under the thumb” is misogyny, and that she has already been told by her son and DIL that she has previous for guilt tripping them by being increasingly upset when they ask for boundaries. If OP refuses to listen and her adult son backs off because he can’t be bothered with the drama she creates herself then HE is not a narcissist, and certainly not his wife either.

Also I’m sorry, but have to add, calling it an “estrangement” because they take a few days to think and reply to a message when OP still sees them WEEKLY, with alone time with her DGC and regular calls to her son on the phone is the very definition of overdramatic.

They haven’t once said they are cutting contact, they have said “let us think about it and get back to you” which resulted in more drama and OP calling her son on the phone to check DIL didn’t have him locked up or whatever. And you think DIL is a narcissist for what exactly? Travelling to visit her own sister once/twice a year..?

@Teddybear23 how is this kind of hyperbolic projection in any way useful?
OPs son can’t be bothered to reply to her, so she blames the DiL, who does reply, who has caused zero estrangement between mother and son and does not block access to the grandchild.

You might have read a lot about this but have clearly not understood anything except how to apply a blanket diagnosis to anyone who isn’t at their MiLs beck and call, whilst adult men are assigned zero blame as if they are helpless babies. Misogyny at its finest.

I think it ought to be your son communicating with you not your daughter in law .
It may be that they’re genuinely busy and it would be difficult to take the time off without encroaching on their own family holidays ?
Also travel with a toddler isn’t easy so they possibly want to minimise it ?
I agree though that’s it’s rude to leave you hanging.