Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

You are still excusing his behaviour.

I don't like "group" holidays. So I wouldn't want to go away with my in laws, wouldn't want to go away with my own family and wouldn't want to go away with friends. So it's nothing personal and not a sign that we don't get on. Just that holidays are for DH, DS and I.

I don't understand why disrespectful and why unhealthy?

DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean

No i don't know what you mean. How did you make her feel guilty?

Its disrespectful to be judgmental enough of DIL to state 'she is the boss' and that her son 'is under her thumb'.

Its unhealthy to make someone feel guilty and decide she is 'defensive'.

Working parents are time poor. Limited leave which has to be juggled so you get time off together is a mission especially with young children who have more sicknesses. The school ring parents X is unwell please collect now. You collect X Who often either makes a miraculous recovery or is just plain tired. That eats into annual leave.

Text him then. People respond better and quicker to those, I find.

I think posts on MN sometimes make too much of individual words posters use,
OP was trying to outline the situation- to indicate that her DIL makes the decisions & that there have been some tensions although on the whole they get along fine.
'Disrespectful' is an attitude and you can't conclude OP is disrespectful simply from a couple of phrases she has used. If her d-in-law is bossy it's relevant to say so!

Not in our house all three sons read and forget 🙄

I think posts on MN sometimes make too much of individual words posters use,

How can it be it be 'too much'? - OPs words are all we have on this forum...we dont have a webcam to objectively view the situation.

And yes I can absolutely conclude that OPs phrases and repeated behaviours as she has outlined in her own words are disrespectful. You of course are at liberty to conclude otherwise based on your own standards and values.

Well , firstly, I think it's good to look past the individual words at the situation she's trying to describe - in this case a generally good relationship with areas of tension on both sides.
Secondly, we're not being asked to pass judgement on her. She posted on here asking for advice/ help - rather the opposite really IMO.
So, I don't think it's relevant/ constructive to tell her she's disrespectful . It feels to me a way of putting OP down, not a way of trying to help.

I don’t think keep ringing him is a good idea. It’s a busy time of year full of decisions that young families find stressful enough. That could be why you’re not getting an answer now.

I think you need to take one step back and start the conversation in the new year with “so you fancy going away together” - in January it could be a nice opener if something to look forward to.

if they do, then you can offer to pay then

the way you have done it comes across as pressured and “tied” to come away with us and we will pay.

I agree with above poster who said you are “excusing sons behaviour”. You are discounting his ability to communicate as an adult, possibly because you don’t want to accept that limitation to your relationship. And yes, I do know it’s a common problem!

I think you need to stop asking.
I've asked my son a couple of times if he wanted me to take him away for his 18th. Not on the actual day but around that time. He was non committal.
I said to him it's absolutely fine if you don't want to but I'm just offering to let me know. He said no thanks so that is the end of it. We get on well and are close but he doesn't want to go on holiday with me so I'm not going to keep asking because that would be unfair to him. So I think you need to accept that they don't want to for whatever reason.
I went on holiday with my children and my mum offered to come and "help" once. It was hell on earth. She did not help at all and was much more work than both the children put together. Very demanding of my time, very needy and very critical. Also she kept trying to distract me in the car when I was concentrating on driving. Never again.
So maybe something has happened on a previous holiday? Or maybe (like my son) they just don't want to, which is fair enough.
Just plan a nice holiday on your own.

So you see them once a week but her family is down south so only gets to see them twice a year and this upsets you….really

He just has a terrible habit of never responding to messages. .Anything I say to him goes straight back to his wife. He never seems to have a mind of his own.

You need to reframe this OP. The reality of your situation could actually be summed up as follows:

"My son can't be arsed to reply to me so his wife has to do it for him. And I resent her for that, rather than resenting him for not replying to his own mother."

I couldn’t agree more with this!

Your son is the problem here, yet you’re excusing him, whereas your DIL is getting the brunt of all your annoyance. Don’t blame her for the fact your son can’t be arsed. Your his mum, not hers.

Your son needs to stand his ground a bit more. They are both extremely rude, especially your son for ignoring your texts. However, when my grandchild was a baby I know my daughter would have been pretty tired and would have probably said she’d like to go away for a weekend but packing all the stuff for a toddler is just too much. Maybe it something like that for your DS and DIL? If so, they should tell you.

Same for me. My partner never replies to any of his family so they start messaging me instead. I use to reply back for him but now I just tell him every couple hours to respond to them until the finally does!

Oh crikey

I really don't want to go on a weekend away with my in laws

We don't have the same interests

Can we just come over for lunch or meet somewhere for lunch?

I wouldn’t go away with my in laws I did it once and they made the whole holiday really uncomfortable. We decided we wouldn’t do it again. We do go away with my family because they don’t make us feel uncomfortable. Have you been away with them before and they didn’t enjoy it?

Blame the DIL as per I expect, can't be the fault of her little prince. I suppose it's easier blaming a stranger than your flesh and blood as the latter would require a little introspection/reflection.

Hi op,

you can’t force it and she doesn’t want to. She is ok for you to get a relationship with your gd so your son must have said something.

Ask your son out?

again. You can’t force it. You also don’t sound like you like her at all.

Good luck 🌺

Think you should have got the message by now, back off don't even ask them. Don't let them think you are upset or bothered. Think the issue is your son really though. He can see whst is happening too. Enjoy your grandaughter and move on. I can tell you it will work....eventually

I have a different take on this, and that is your DIL probably has a heavy mental load because your son is lazy.

She will have to do all the planning, packing etc for their child. Whereas when she will see her family, they will know what she needs without her needing to ask. It’s a comfort thing, and on holiday with you, it won’t feel as easy as it does with her family.

So your son not only isn't polite enough to reply to your messages with a firm answer one way or other, but he is also happy to throw his wife under the bus by putting it on her, thus making her the 'bad guy' to avoid his having to be? What a winner.