Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

He can hardly make a decision on agreeing to a family get together without 'repeating it back to her' can he!

Communicate with your son, it's not DIL's job to do his family admin.

Interesting.

Because what I more often see is mothers-in-law consistently blaming their daughters-in-law for every shortcoming in their relationship with their sons. If the sons are poor communicators, it's daughter-in-law's fault. If contact isn't maintained to everyone's satisfaction, it's daughter-in-law's fault. If if rains, it's daughter-in-law's fault. It's a theme so often repeated on MN that it's become a cliche.

Yes, mothers-in-law are also criticised - usually for their level of expectation or 'unfairness' if there isn't absolute parity in the level of contact between the maternal and paternal side. But complaints against DiLs are just as predictable and commonplace on this site as complaints against MiLs.

The shocker is that if many men stepped up to the plate and showed more willingness to meet their own obligations and responsibilities, a great many families would be a great deal better off.

A significant raising of the bar for men is what's called for here, rather than consistently blaming other women when relationships in the family don't work out exactly to your liking.

Surely op sees son or dil every week drop off/collection of gc unless the 18 month old toddles it's own way back n fore.
Not all offers, presents, gifts are welcome especially if strings attached. I am cringing at the thought of when my niece had her first daughter, how excited the whole family were. I couldn't resist buying presents and sending in the post. I am 27 years older than my niece so I seriously doubt my outfit choices would have been hers. I got huge joy picking stuff when what I should have done was send the money for her to choose her babies clothes or in fact stuff that as a young couple they needed. I bet she just thought waste of money which could have been spent on 100 other things that were more useful but she was obviously too polite to say.
I was doing it for me. Don't spoil the time you have with your gc because you are not getting your own way.

I read recently adult children estranged or no contact from parents have taken years to get there, 30 years in some cases. It’s not an overnight thing, and like you say builds up over years of not being respected and valued.

I’m one of them..my parents resorted to gaslighting me when I tried to very respectfully and inclusively talk to them about how we go forward where everyone feels heard and cared for.

not saying at all that’s the case here!

and there are many parents who have had to do the no contact with children, equally distressing

I'm sure it suits DS to let DIL be the bad guy here, when it sounds like he doesn't even bother his arse to reply half the time.

If he wanted to see more of op he would.

My dick of a brother & his wife moved to a remote, rural location which was difficult to access. Fine, their choice. We all made the effort to visit, despite the distance, cost & inconvenience.

One year our parents thought it may be nice to have a family Christmas abroad. Flights & accommodation in a tropical resort, paid for by parents. Very generous. DH & I jumped at the chance with x2 DC.

For whatever reason DB and SIL declined. Some people....

You clearly dislike your Dil so why would she want to go away with you ? Your son is being a good husband siding with his wife Your son is at fault for not communicating better with you not his wife

Maybe their idea of a good time is not spending Xmas in a tropical resort being paid for by parents? Nothing wrong with that! If they like living in an isolated place in nature good for them. They don’t have to move to a place you approve of . It’s their life.

I have a friend with a son and DIL who behave very like the OPs toward her. They don’t reply to texts quickly enough, they don’t invite her over enough, etc etc. The truth is that whenever she talks about them her language is full of criticism and contempt. She herself doesn’t offer anything because she has no life beyond being a slave for her elderly mother. She expects them to be her social prop. No wonder they don’t want to see her.
OP, I would let it be. Wait for them to get in touch first , don’t suggest things they clearly don’t want to do. Fill your life with busyness so that you have things to talk about and aren’t just dependent on them. If you don’t like your DIL, she won’t like you, and your son will prioritise his wife.

Not saying it’s the same thing at all because it will vary from family to family but once I flew abroad to spend Christmas with my family - my brother covering all the Christmas expenses except for the flights for me and my DD - and it was by far the worst, most stressful Christmas I’ve had.

It was like me not having to contribute with gifts, food expenses, etc made my family think they could control my whereabouts and activities 24/7. I ended up booking earlier flights to come back before NYE and bounce.

They seemed to be able to communicate very well when they needed childcare once a week from you. Cheeky. They clearly don't want to spend any further time with you. It's a shame for you and your grandchild but it's best to go with the flow at the moment. Things may change.

Maybe he thinks you’re the dick for ‘jumping at the chance’ to take your parents money? Perhaps they love their rural christmases in their beautiful home with country walks perhaps in snow and don’t right fancy the stress of flying out to sit by a hotel pool with children running around everywhere. Christmas in the sun at a resort not really feeling like Christmas at all.

People like different things. Some people like a quiet life. Actually can’t get my head around you thinking badly of him for this?

I'm so tired of people being called narcissists when they're nothing of the kind.

I can't see that either of those are dick moves, TBF.

I'm sure that no house move is made with the express intention of pissing the family off. Nor is declining an invitation gratuitously rude and offensive.

It seems that about every second person not only claims to know a narcissist, but also believes themselves competent to diagnose one. You'd never guess that this is an exceptionally rare, not to mention highly contested condition amongst the professionals who actually are qualified to treat it.

I agree with you that it's tedious.

Indeed. True narcissists are very rare, it's a hugely complex condition that needs to be diagnosed by a professional.

This is baffling - does everyone you meet like exactly the same things? Do you wonder why shops sell things you don't like? Or why there's school provision for any children for those other than your kids ages? Does it confuse you when you see a bus going somewhere you don't want to go?

Ohhh so sorry for that. I'd be so happy to be invited. (Actually I'm free if you're happy to invite me and my nearly 3 year old. 🤣. ) Kidding. No their behaviour is not nice and although it will hurt you, you might need to stop offering.

New habits need to be forged then. Including in you. My parents are busier in retirement than they were before it. Means I have to manage my own expectations of them. Likewise, I doubt your daughter in law keeps your son from replying, that's him. And you raised him.

Men always like to keep the peace even when taking sides , my husband was like that till his mother cheesed him off directly, he had been seriously ill in hospital from a cat bite , a week in hospital, his dad was great , but his mother wanted him to dump me ( she was direct ) and find another woman to have a child with , she said " grandchildren matter " ...he doesn't want his own and was happy to be stepdad . Its been maybe 8-10 years since his hasn't spoke to his mother . Till he didn't take either side when she was bullying me , I actually stopped having anything to do with MIL prior because I'd realised it wasn't my problem, it was my husband and his mother's problem ...its sad but you need to take a step back , let him know this , and wish him well, I had to do this with my son ...they are adults ....I'm quite liking the peace and quiet now to be honest .🙂

There is nothing to “say” to him that you should “worry about “ getting back to her. Just make the offer to him and assume no response means they (both) aren’t interested. We did things like go away to my inlaws, or arranging to go away with my in laws, but it wasn’t a fun vacation for me. If we went away with my family I could relax and enjoy myself. My dh too as he was treated better as a son in law than he was as a son. What you see as his spineless/henpecked self is his true self, perhaps, happy with his little family and his wife’s extended family.

I think you put it correctly when I was younger I loved spending time with my Parents. You are her inlaws so not the same. Fortunately my Parents my wife enjoys the company of mine more than her own

Going on holidays with your own parents is one thing, going on holidays with the ILs is something else. No matter how much a DIL loves her PIL (I we/do), families can be very different and there will always be pressure for her to be 'on best behaviour'. That's not a relaxing way to spend time off. The simple fact is that what most mums crave on a break is total and utter downtime where they don't have to worry about their manners, can waft down to breakfast in a bikini if they wish, can shout at their children when they are being prats, argue with their lovely OH when he's being annoying and not give a fig that every meal and food preference is catered and everyone is happy. No, they want to be utterly selfish and actually switch off without being badly judged by the family they married into. That's possibly why she finds it easy to join her own family, she doesn't feel pressured / judged in their company. Perhaps you could work on 1-2-1 time with her alone so you can build a deeper relationship? e.g. Wreath-making, something easy, fun and relaxing where you hang out together and chat. No kids no husbands.

On your son's communication issues, it sounds like he is trying to keep the peace which is helping no one. I'd have a word.

I'm quite shocked how some blame this lovely Mother In Law
I think you're lovely offering to bring your Son DIL & Granddaughter on hols
Bless you for being so sweet, generous & thoughtful
I'd never ignore my Mother In Law & She's far from perfect & never been so generous's you obviously are
So you're good enough to babysit their Child but not good enough (according to them/her) to respond politely to a thoughtful gestures & invites
Seems to me, your kind compassionate generosity & nature are being took for granted
Breaks my heart
Yes Completely Comprehend if Your Son is under the thumb
My Brother permits his wife, my Sister In Law to make all the decisions & even with his direct family, he has to take back seat for quiet life
So completely comprehend your circumstances & it's not on
I don't comprehend why some presume you don't get on with your daughter in law
Nothing in concerns with your comment suggests this
I think she seems rude & ungrateful just using you to babysit your Granddaughter when it suits them because she knows you love her & she's taking advantage of these impertive points
But please do communicate your upset disappointments with your Son
He might've buried his head in the sand, in denial, just wishing to keep the peace - Wishing you the utmost very best because your generous compassionate soul most surely deserves so

It's an "in-law" thing, I reckon. You cannot have the same relationship with your daughter-in-law as you would with your own daughter and her children.
Accept it, I have, it's generally how things are in families. My mother was far more involved with my son, as we're her parents with me and my siblings
Try for day trips, that's generally easier for all concerned.