Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

So in summary, you want to use all the equity your husband and his previous wife accrued during their marriage plus this boy's dead mother's life insurance policy to buy a large house for you and your children to live in with your new husband, who has left his disabled, bereaved son who clearly needs more support living 45 minutes away to live where you wanted to live. And you have no intention of putting any significant equity into this nice new big shiny house you want for yourself and your two children, conveniently located near their school and university?

And you think you're being kind by telling this boy with ASD that he can move in with a bunch of unrelated people miles from everything he's familiar with and where he lived with his mother.

Yeah, sounds totally reasonable.

Your DH has treated your son pretty badly already. Turfing him out of his home now as well to upgrade your own lifestyle is not on.

If you insist on selling the one bit of stability it sounds like he's had since his mother's death then give him half of the equity (his mother's share) so he can buy somewhere new. And I hope your DH has an appropriate will in place to pass his assets to his son immediately upon his death if he predeceases you and that you accept that your shiny new house you didn't contribute to would need to be sold at that point if you cannot buy out DS's share of it.

Oh, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect DS to commute 45 mins to work each way every day but unthinkable that you or DH could do so.

Honestly, I really cannot understand some people. Your insistence that "it's DH's house" legally, wilfully ignoring the moral aspects of the situation, speaks volumes.

This kid lost his mother as an 18 year old and within just a few years his Dad has married someone else and moved miles away and left him to it and now wants to sell his childhood home where he still lives and spend the money on a house for his new wife and kids. But it's all fiiiiine because he can just move there too and live in an annex or something, miles from his work and memories of his mother in an unfamiliar area where he doesn't know anybody. Then add in ASD on top of that.

50% is his Dads half, OPs children share her half. None of her children are his I don’t think. That seems totally fair.

Some adults will never have a three bedroomed house to themselves. It's very unusual for a person in his twenties to have that privilege. And the death of his mother, whilst unfortunate, is hardly relevant. He can remember his mother while living somewhere else.

And some adults will never have a 4 bed in their lives. Which us what the OP wants. Even though she only has 20,000 to her name and zero assets. Spent her life renting.

She only has one child in primary. The other is in uni. Four bed is aiming high. It's shocking.

There is nothing shocking about this? A bedroom per child is an extremely common goal and they might well need one for this young man. They do have assets between them, the fact she doesnt have much saved is just a stronger reason to sell this house. Nothing she’s said indicates she’s just a gold digger, so that would be a nasty conclusion to jump to if that’s what you’re implying.

None of it sits right with me, step parents talking about previous marital assets as if they have a right to it does sound like they are gold diggers. If the OP hadn’t met her partner sounds like she would have to continue renting anyway.

She's not putting a bedroom aside for him. She detests him. Read her description of him in her posts. She wants him out, out, out. She is bitching that he should be living independently. I'd say she would prefer if she never saw him again if she gets her way.

The dad is a total simp. Very gullable.

What assets does she currently have now? Easy to make promises about the future but it all seems very scam-my. Don't believe she'll give him a penny. Words are empty promises. Her posts totally contradict themselves.

For anyone reading this thread, please think about doing what Moonchildalltheway and myself have done with our wills in the event of one of you passing. Think about if you want your child to benefit upon your death should the surviving spouse go on to meet someone else. I work hard for my family as does DH, not for any future partner. If a divorce were to happen there would be a division of assets, it’s no different.

I mean, she says it a couple of times quite clearly 4 bedroom as eldest is doing a 5 year degree (medical) at local university. One room for us, one for her (to save on uni costs), one for youngest and one so DSS has somewhere to go / live if needed. but of course you know the op much better than anyone else

"Boy"? He's 25. He has a job and a car. He is capable of living independently. He sounds lazy at home and the OP described him playing on his phone rather than helping with chores.

Plenty of people lose parents; it can't and shouldn't be milked indefinitely.

Well done - great to hear the update.

I was one of those rooting for the protection of the DSS's inheritance from his mother and it sounds like you've worked it out really well together.

Fantastic to have a plan that seems fair and will likely work for all. A smaller place will suit your DSS better (given he is open to the move) as I think it will be much easier to upkeep.

"Boy"? He's 25

I was talking about when he lost his mother. He was 18.

25 is very young to expect total independence for a young man who went through a significant trauma at a crucial stage of development and has ASD, then has had his surviving parent move away with a new partner and leave him to it. It's clear he's already struggling.

If OP's daughter is studying medicine presumably she is intending to support her own child into her mid-20s at least. But that's different I guess because that child she cares about. That child should have a nice big house close to her University, paid for by someone else's father and dead mother.

This thread is really appalling.

We must be reading different threads. It’s the young man’s late mother who wanted him ‘out’ to prevent a repeat of the dependent uncle situation. The medical student will also need support until 23-24 then presumably will move out to start an F1 job. It’s totally reasonable to expect young people to be independent by mid twenties, he clearly has additional support already for his ND. The proposed solution sounds like it will suit everyone.

I agree. Letting young people with ASD stay at home indefinitely is tempting, I get it, but Mum and Dad won't be here for ever. It's very sad when you hear about situations where a middle-aged guy (usually quirky and socially awkward) has basically "married his parents," stayed at home all his life, and now they are getting too old and frail and can't cope, or they pass away and by that point, the guy is too old and set in his ways to adapt to a different life.

@GreenTeaLikesMe yes that's a very pertinent point- in this case the guy is clearly capable enough to work, drive, save, lived alone, so further independence should be supported and encouraged

Nobody said he should stay at home indefinitely. However, most parents of ASD children recognise that they will need more support than average to launch into independence, to help them learn the skills. Their academic ability and proficiency with work has little bearing on this. In fact, for those capable of this it often takes so much out of them that it makes everything else harder to manage. He may be in total burnout but is being criticised for not doing enough cleaning when it sounds like he's had to cope with everything with little support.

It's well-understood that ASD young people generally mature socially and emotionally several years behind NT kids. The rule of thumb is often they have the emotional skills and maturity of a young person 2/3 of their age so in his case you could compare all of this to the impact of an NT child losing their mother aged 12, and him now being roughly 16-17 emotionally. But between the emotional ages of 12 and 16-17 also having had to manage the usual difficult adolescent difficulties with changing social relationships that are much harder for ASD kids, exams etc, top of bereavement. Trauma and ASD also compound the effects of each other quite badly and usually mean the effects combined are worse than the sum of their parts.

Even without the trauma, ASD young people generally need far more gentle adult support to give them the tools to successfully transition to total independence and when a specific ASD young person is ready for this will depend on how their ASD affects them specifically, and crucially whether they've been given consistent adult support and tools to build skills in the areas they find challenging throughout their adolescence, and external factors in their environment.

It's hardly rocket science to figure out it would be highly likely that a young man with ASD would struggle to become independent as early as an average NT young person when he was also bereaved of his mother at 18, his father therefore also presumably consumed with his mother's death and grieving so likely not able to focus as much as was needed on his son's needs at that time, and then apparently shortly afterwards his father deciding to focus on a new relationship (given she only died 7 years ago and he's already met and moved in with and married someone else he clearly didn't grieve for long!), rather than him spending the few years after his wife's death focusing on providing additional support to his son, the impact of whose ASD will have been compounded by the trauma of losing his mother at this age. So through the years he would have needed quite intense support anyway as an ASD teen, to grow more independent gradually and build his life skills with family support, it doesn't seem anybody was there to provide it... The father then moves miles away from him to live with his new partner for convenience for her children, leaving his bereaved, disabled son to live alone.

I think it's remarkable he's managed on his own tbh, got himself a decent job. Apparently this isn't good enough and he's being pressured to leave it when he's said he's happy with what he's done. He likely needs some stability after all of that?! He's even being criticised for coming to visit them because OP resents feeding him dinner.

If you want an ASD child to become fully independent as an adult at an early stage then they need intensive support to learn how to do so. It doesn't sound like he's had this. He's managed to pull himself through it and get a job and now OP wants to sell his childhood home and use the money for a house she wants for herself and her children, in a location convenient for her. Why doesn't she pay for this herself? What was her plan to provide this family home she apparently "needs" for her and her children, if she hadn't met her new husband? Or was that the purpose of finding a husband? The inconvenient existence of her DSS being the only obstacle it seems to her desire to upgrade her lifestyle with his dead mother's money.

He is trying to be responsible and save up from his earnings but apparently that's wrong too. OP clearly hasn't bothered to do so, though presumably much older than him. It's "entitled", apparently, for him to continue to live in his childhood family home that his parents worked and paid for because obviously OP - who paid nothing towards it - using the money to provide a nice big house for her children will be what the dead mother intended to be done with her life savings, not to ensure there was generous provision for her own son on the event of her death.

Perhaps the DS should stop wasting his time saving and just marry a widow who already has substantial equity from their home with the dead spouse and their life insurance payout and save himself the trouble of working and saving, eh? Silly boy.

There's only one person showing huge selfishness, grabbiness and a lack of compassion and self-awareness here, and it's not the step-son. His father also needs to grow a backbone, he doesn't sound like a good parent at all.

This ^. It's not his decision to stay or go. His choice is which of the moving out options does he prefer. He's basically holding you to ransom with his inflexibility.

@EwwSprouts I presume you'll be selling your house and giving all the equity away to another family in rented accommodation then. They deserve the money far more because they've never bothered to save anything themselves.

How inflexible of you if you object! You can just go and live in a crappy annex of the house they buy with your family's money, nearly an hour away from where you live now. Or you can grovel to them in gratitude about how much they "helped" you if they deign to be so generous as to give you a tiny proportion of your own family's money back so you can afford somewhere else to live while they buy themselves a luxury house with the majority of your family's life savings.

Honestly. The entitlement is astonishing.

Why don't you get a better job OP and buy a family home for your own children from your own money like your DSS's mother and father did for their family?

@SunriseMonsters Skewed response. The OP is married to the DH. It's not another family, it's a blended one. The suggestion by NOSquirrels includes Dad contributing to the purchase of a new flat for the adult son in his current town. OP says she will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit. I don't feel it's as grabby as you seem to do so.

No, DSS's mother's money should buy him a new place to live. OP shouldn't be trying to grab that half of the marital assets from her husband's previous marriage and use it to fund her and her children's lifestyle.

And if the DSS's father was a decent parent he'd also put a good share of his own half of the assets from his first marriage into supporting his diasabled son, not just buying a big house for his new wife and her children, miles away from where his son lives and works.

He'd also have been around to support him through the transition to adulthood as a vulnerable, bereaved teenager with ASD, not playing happy families with a new wife and moving miles away from his son.

And he'd make sure he has a rock-solid will so that all of his assets - including his share of any new house - are inherited by his son immediately upon his death, not transferred to his grabby new wife who hasn't bothered to save money to buy a home for her own children and wants to rob a vulnerable boy's dead mother's grave to do so instead, while criticising him constantly for being lazy. You couldn't make it up.

"OP says she will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit. "

Work for longer than what? Her much older husband?

She's hardly going to say that she's going to find an excuse and retire on the proceeds as soon as her older husband pops his clogs, is she?

If she can easily pay off half of a mortgage on a 4 bedroom house herself then why hasn't she already bought a two bedroom house and paid it off and got assets of her own to contribute, rather than trying to assume vicarious ownership of the assets that a dead mother presumably hoped would support her vulnerable son to have a comfortable life in the event of her untimely death?

Just pure coincidence that the OP has married a man older than her who happens to have assets, and that apparently she's old enough to have a child at University already but in all of her adult life has made virtually no savings of her own at all, and is now seething with rage that her bereaved, disabled stepson is living in a house paid for by his own parents which she didn't pay a penny towards, because she "needs" that money. And we're told that the DSS is the problem here.

Baffling.

The mother of that boy must be turning in her grave to see his father allowing this to go on.

Personally. I'd buy the house we wanted and he can either move in or rent his own place. You need to buy as tenants in common so partner abd you can.lezve your share to your own children, giving your partner lifetime right to occupy.

Just to clarify one point.

Someone thought that the OP only had £20K to put towards the house purchase, but it’s actually £50K.

The £20K is what they thought the son had saved up-but it turns out that he’s got about £80K as his Dad has been paying all the household bills until recently.

So his Dad isn’t that awful, he’s been fully financially supporting his son until recently, when the son took over some bills.

If the OP had any morals she would be insisting DP splits the sale of his and his late wife’s home between him and his son.

And another thing whilst I think it’s very sensible to leave assets to your children upon death, as the OP does with her £500k life assurance, she’s not leaving it to her DP is she? Why’s that? Does she not trust him to do the right thing in the event of her death? She’s certainly made sure her DC are taken care of.