Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

@EffinMagicFairy Perhaps they’ve agreed that it would be more useful for the children to have the money? Her husband may have enough assets/a good enough pension to not need her life insurance if she dies first.

My DH and I aren’t each other’s the primary beneficiaries on everything, because we’d rather the children got it.

I could be wrong but it's my understanding that she has 20,000 of her own money. The 50,000 figure is the amount she and partner have when they combine their savings. So 30,000 is his?

Either way, alarm bells ringing.

@BruFord similar set up to mine and DH assets, since I have a SM who is currently making use of my late mothers assets, DF no longer here.

@EffinMagicFairy Yes, it can make sense once they’re older and the surviving parent wouldn’t have as many day-today costs bringing them up.

Sorry to hear about your situation. My Dad and late SM kept their finances separate, which did make it easier for both families.

I find stories like this upsetting, especially when there are children/adult children who are the rightful heirs of the property.

Will you get the property back when she passes away?

If the father does any of those things then he's a complete idiot.

@Wanttobuyahouse why are you so concerned about splitting your money 3 ways?
give any and all money or insurance etc to your 2. Chances are even with help they will struggle to buy in the future.
Don’t be so fair that your kids lose out.

@BoundaryGirl3939 apparently so, it’s held in a trust, but SM is not a lot older than me! I’m in a very fortunate position, financially comfortable etc, that I will be able to pass it directly to my DC, so it will miss me out, but I’ll enjoy DC benefitting, if I’m still around, if I’m not and I go before SM, it then goes to my DC anyway.

Not unfair at all. I lived at home until age 33 I was narried - divorced very measy and lost all my savings trying to sort it all. So I had to move back home and started all over again. BUT I paid my share for rent, food and bills. I was on standby to chauffeur my oarents anywhere they wantes to to it.e airports etc. I also did fall their paper work, bills, sorted their bill and attending apts when possible.

I was the one encourging them to downsize as family home was 4 double bed 3 baths and they were struggling when I would be away they couldn't cope. Now married and living away they Cabot maintain the house anymore. I told them for years to downsize to a 2 bed bungalow but they wouldn't listen.

Deapite me being helpful with all their needs i was happy well as much as you can be to move out and rent a one bed flat if needed.

You can be an adukt child living at home and be an asset or a nightmare.
Just put the house for sale and then let him figure things out himself.

Building on this option - there would be a good conversation to have with DSS about this as a possibility- allowing you to have the right home for the family and he stays where he wants but the cost to him is a fair market rent to cover some of the mortgage? If he had to start paying it might help him see the merit in moving.

He is capable of moving out and is living alone - he has ASD but is bright - he needs a new incentive

As PPs have said, I think he will always resist change, and frankly, he has a nice situation for himself now. It needs to be made clear that this is not a situation where he has a choice about it happening or not. But he does have choices about how he wants to manage the change - does he want you to help him buy for himself now, or does he want help to look for a place to rent for a while? Or would he prefer to live with you in the new home. Those are the choices - remaining as things are is not a choice that is open to him.

And on MN all MH or ASD seems to excuse any behaviour, no matter how poor. Some of the kindest and most considerate people I have met have been ASD. But I have also met people who are jerks, or selfish and uncaring of others. I think you have been incredibly understanding and supportive and that comes through in all your posts. He is lucky to have you.

You had the privilege of staying in your family home until the age of 33. And you were welcomed back years later when the shit hit the fan. You always had a safety net, and still do.

Adult son with Asd is being forced out against his will. And we're kidding ourselves if we believe that op will welcome him back into 'her' property in years to come. Come on. Read her description of him. She despises him and his dad seems like a dope.

That's a pity it worked out like that. I wouldn't want a stepmother making herself at home using my mother's assets. At least you'll get it back. Thank God for that.

Does she have children of her own?

@Wanttobuyahouse OP have read all your posts. You sound lovely, really kind, moral and straightforward. You obviously want to be totally fair to your DSS. Hope this thread has helped a bit with deciding what to do.

i know it sounds harsh but can’t you just kick him out and sell it anyway? Did he sign a tenancy agreement when agreeing to pay you rent to live there? If he did you can serve him with notice to end the tenancy on the basis you want to sell

He is living in his father's house; father has moved out, into op's house.

You should explain the issue to him step by step, preferably using a social story to show how you can support him. He is afraid of change, but if you can show how the change can be minimised, by showing that he will have the same furniture for example, he will begin to accept it.
talk about like it will happen and give this time to sink in before making any absolute plans.

It’s sounds somewhat like blackmail on his behalf and this is how we have felt a family member conducts them self with their parents.

slightly older than yours, the person is still seeing specialists and on medication. The parents have legal guardianship over the adult child to prevent access to gaining additional prescription meds due to overdose history.

that person has an online ‘life’ which interacts with other online characters. So when I read your message about your DSS always fiddling with his mobile, I wondered if he is the same.

‘Our’ person finds comfort in theirs, but then I wonder if that is because online characters are fictional and are manipulated by their users. Our person’s ‘real’ life is more of an existence and would prefer not to be part of it. Haircut in the same way as the online character (it is based on a game from years ago but has grown a following).

the manipulation comes in when something changes or is about to that the person has no control over (for example a visiting guest they are not keen on) and basically if that person can get their hands on alcohol and meds, will consume both to extreme. Ends back up in hospital overdosed, treated and discharged.

rinse and repeat. family tip toes around person.

i don’t have answer, but wanted to suggest if your DSS hasn’t been reviewed for a while, once you get over this hurdle consider broaching the subject. There’s some brilliant meds out there and it might just be the kick along he needs.

good luck.

DsS would then be looking at a massive increase in rent.... to pay off 80% of the 250k .

. Bank is unlikely to allow more than that as equity....
So would be paying over £1k in rent rather than the £300 or so in mortgage on a 60k if he got himself a flat...

While he has ASD, he is clearly very capable and all his objections come down to he doesn't like change and more importantly that he doesn't want to...
He's asking his dad to remain uncomfortable for the next 25+ years so that he doesn't have to.
I'm not being uncaring towards him but pandering to his every demand is not going to help him in the long term. I am very familiar with ASD and know things can be very impactful and traumatic.... if he doesn't learn how to cope with change now, what will he do when his dad eventually passes away.... no doubt his mothers passing was traumatic but he has continued.
This could be a real opportunity for him.... yo learn how to change and cope with the associated stresses..... and actually have some real hand in the changes direction....

This

What is unfathomable is what the hell the father is thinking, prioritising a new wife and her children over his own son. He is either very stupid or incredibly selfish or a complete wimp who does whatever his wife tells him to do. Given that not only is he prioritising a romantic partner over his own child and the fact that he moved away leaving his son with no parental support at such a vulnerable time in his life, perhaps it's a mixture of all three.

Very good satire. 🤣🤣🤣👏👏

3, lived in a rented house, no money her own.

This DSS resonates with me, I wish I could give him a big hug or at least let him know there some of us that have his back.

@BoundaryGirl3939 You seem to think that parents must always provide a home for their adult children. Many do, but it’s not an obligation, is it?

I try to parent my teenagers well, but we don’t intend to hang onto our family home indefinitely, it’s too expensive to run.