Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

And if I want my disabled son to move with me but make a move that doesn't work for him (even if not what he wants, like say if ASD made it impossible for him to commute 45 minutes), then I'm effectively turfing him out.

I could be mortgage free but I'm paying a high mortgage because the moves I would make if I didn't have to consider my son would effectively force him out of home.

I get that the son is being rigid and might need to be told that change is necessary, there just might have to be some compromise. It's how it is with a dependent adult child.

He lives in the house he currently owns. He doesn't have to sell to combine assets in his middle age (55). I think it sounds crazy. Especially when his vulnerable son is depending on it. Come on...he lost his mother, hes got no brothers or sisters, a potential step mother who dislikes him. Im guessing he has a huge emotional connection to this house.

Couples don't have to live together. Sometimes it works better if they live separately. Not sure what the rush is. The dad here seems very careless and I'm surprised he is willing to put this new blended family (whom he has no relation to) before his own flesh and blood.

He needs to move. A single young man does not need ( and probably can’t afford to pay market rates for) a 3 bedroom house. Your DH should not be massively financially subsidising a working adult. He needs to be told that you will help him find and purchase a 1 bed property close to his workplace. If you can afford to give him some money from the sale to boost his deposit and bring his mortgage payments down that seems fair. I agree with previous posts that he should not expect any inheritance until both his parents pass away, but if you can afford to give him a portion now to establish himself more independently that would be a good thing. You then only need 3 bedrooms for you, DH and your children, and he can continue to visit. Get some advice about wills so the new house purchase protects his future inheritance but also means he can’t force sale of the new property until both you and DH pass.

I’m glad you have seen the sense to leave directly to 3 DC, it’s a way of ensuring they get it.

@BoundaryGirl3939 So if people are widowed in their 40’s, they’re not allowed to move on?

My Dad sold the family home in his 60’s after my Mum died. He later remarried my SM and they were careful to keep aspects of their finances separate.

It’s not easy, but no one can anticipate being widowed so young and he clearly does care about his DS. He just can’t hold onto that house forever.

He has lost his Mum and now his Dad is prioritising his new family.

It doesn't matter how big the house is...if it has 1 bedroom, 3 bedrooms or 5 bedrooms. 25 year old son doesnt view the property in terms of financial worth. All he knows is that it is his familiar space. People are making out that he is selfish to want to continue living there. It's his home. He is only 25 for goodness sake. Most 25 year olds still live at home these days.

Son didn't choose to be in the house alone. His dad left to be with another woman, and his mother passed away. Not sure why the dad moved out to pay rent when he could have stayed. 45 mins isnt too far.

The son is being completely demonised and I'm not sure what he did wrong.

@BoundaryGirl3939 The son hasn’t done anything wrong except expect his Dad, who was widowed in his 40’s, to maintain the status quo indefinitely.

Nobody said the son was going to stay there forever. It's the dad who left him there alone.

I had a reclusive brother who lived at home until age of 34. He met someone and they built a house together. I'm not sure if he would have coped should my dad have met someone and turfed him out in his 20s. Everyone is different and some ppl need more support and time than others.

@LilacTurtle the guy has a degree, a job, been living on his own, drives, savings- not exactly what I would call dependent and I'm not sure when ADHD qualifies as disabled . It's very different to a young adult who is physically disabled, can't work etc

Call me nuts but I wouldn't be happy if my dad did that. I'm not set to inherit his property (it will be split) but I really need to have a place/sanctuary in which I am welcome should the shit hit the fan. Home is home.

If my dad was to resell and shack up with another woman, I would be disappointed as deep down I would know that I was no longer welcome.

But your dad was free to do what he wanted.

@BoundaryGirl3939 I appreciate what you’re saying, but there’ll never be an ideal time. They could be in the same situation in ten years.

I know what you mean about having a sanctuary, but I realized that my Dad had his own life to lead and I was happy for him. Our parents are individuals with their own needs, not just lifelong support systems for us.

How do you know that he wants it maintained indefinitely?

And one of my children has a PhD, lives on their own, works part time, has savings. That doesn't mean that it can't become too overwhelming that they don't need to stop for a bit (meaning they need support) or that they can earn enough due to the nature of the work they can handle. Sometimes they achieve these things with a lot of support and have limited independence, or fragile independence. The son has ASD but ADHD can come with similar limitations if executive functioning is impaired. Sometimes how things look on the outside don't reflect the struggle to get there or maintain it.

I don't agree. Son is only 25. Only finding his feet. Life has been traumatic for him. It seems as though his dad doesn't have his back and vulchers are circling.

Son could do anything in time...go to Australia, marry, move etc etc. He is not ready to be turfed out now so leave him be.

This sounds like the most sensible option. Get him a smaller place near his work with support to maintain his independence, and OP get a three bedroom place. My only concern with this, if it needs to be considered, is that if the wheels fell off and he had to come home, there then wouldn't be the space.

@Changingplace Exactly- it's his prerogative at this stage of life to use his money as he sees fit. I would hope he does the right thing and makes provision for the guy in due course in the event of his passing- but we aren't talking about an old man- the son has no right to simply stay in the house if the dad wants to buy a new place- OP has made it clear he can move to where they are or they can support him to find somewhere else suitable - the problem is personal experience of posters kind of muddy the waters and there will be people here who haven't inherited due to remarriages etc and resent it- or step parents sat in a house that posters cannot sell or parents with genuinely disabled children who see how vulnerable those children are and have no desire to ever have new relationships etc -

@LilacTurtle not exactly the case - one of the OPs children is at Uni - we aren't talking young children

Would you be able to buy a 3 bed house in the area you want to live in and a 1 bed flat in the area DH's son lives in (or wants to live in - maybe in between his work and where you want to live)? With DH's son paying some rent towards the flat - or paying small mortgage on it?

Then you don't need to fund a 4 bed property that you may not need in 5+ years time. And you don't need to blend households with DH's son which is likely to cause issues is a step backwards from the independent living his parents want(ed) to encourage.

A 1 bed flat that is his space he may treat like the car and care for it more than he is with the 3 bed house.

OP's children are also ASD. No comment has been made on how well they cope with things.

Have you ever supported someone with executive functioning challenges through uni? I have more than once. Multiple false starts, semesters of leave when overwhelmed, huge amounts of financial support and practical support needed. They'd never have got there on their own but they did - because someone was backing them and supporting them. That need might carry through life. They might have a PhD even but could end up on the streets without the safety net.

I'm not sure how you are going to get a change resistant adult to sign the sale document which guarantees vacant possession.

What's your strategy if he refuses to sign?

@LilacTurtle I honestly doubt if he was that bad he would be living in the house on his own , driving distances over to them several times a week and keeping down a job- if he is capable of managing this then he's capable of doing it in a 1 or 2 bed flat - as I've said earlier I think the best option is to remortgage that house asa buy to let , put in dad and sons names , lesson live there and pay proper rent towards mortgage and use the cash towards a new place. As it is the son has the security and has been paying peanuts despite amassing £20k savings and the dad has no security - as they are in a rented place- it's about balance

@LilacTurtle where did OP say 'her ' children were ASD - I clearly missed that

I know PPs have mentioned this already, but when I read your OP, I think there is something in that his mum has died and a feeling of her legacy going to the new family.

DSS's mum's share of the house passed to her DH, rather than him.

You mentioned your parents being alive and no one can expect to inherit, but DSS's mum has died. Her legacy and the home she made will be no more. I can totally understand DSS having a strong objection to your DH selling it to buy a home with you @Wanttobuyahouse

It quite possibly isn't that bad, but we don't know. I'm just trying not to assume that because he is living on his own and doing those things, that it's easy. He currently has a lot of support behind him, so I've no idea how possible it all is without that support.

There are other ways to go about things even if he has high support needs though. Change happens, even to the most resistant people, so ideally a good compromise seems to be setting him up in a one bedroom place he can maybe stay in permanently thereafter. 25 is still pretty young for someone with ASD even if they are doing well (or it looks that way). He could also contribute more financially.