Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

Oh my OP, my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry but there are absolutely no excuses for this whatsoever. Your DIL is well aware of the support you give them, and should've ensured that you were mentioned in his speech. I blame her as much as he.

You are in such a sensitive position. If you 'withdraw' support, you'll not see much of your GC, but if you continue your input, then their behaviour will continue. It's a fine line.

Personally I would tell him how hurt you felt that you were not mentioned. If you don't then things will be as was.

I have been on the receiving end of certain things, but nothing in comparison to this however, my DS is yet to find someone, I know that when that happens I will fade into insignificance, I'm prepared for that however hurtful it may be.

I wish you the best OP, you sound absolutely bloody amazing, and shame on your DIL!

I agree. I wouldn't say anything but wouldn't be available to help in future if I felt as hurt as you do.

What fucking arseholes your son & daughter in law are; I'd absolutely cut the help you give them right down. The ungrateful brats, the pair of them, there was no need for that. The next time he asks for help, just say it doesn't work for you. Mention that his pils or the cake maker, that he thanked at the wedding instead of you, could help out.

I’m usually a go in all guns blazing sort of person, but in this case I think it would be best for the OP to just drop into conversation at an appropriate moment, perhaps when looking at the wedding photos, how hurt she was that she didn’t rate so much of a mention in her son’s wedding speech

I don’t agree with those who have suggested that he could have just forgotten in the heat of the moment. He wasn’t giving an impromptu speech, and I find it hard to believe that he didn’t go through what he was going to say with his now wife. If she had anything about her she would have given him a nudge that he was forgetting his mum.
Sorry OP but I think that all your help is very much being taken for granted and that your son and DIL see you as a soft touch especially where your grandson is involved.
Whether or not you choose to speak to him about how hurt you feel, you most certainly need to learn to use the word No more often from now on.
You obviously love your grandson very much but you definitely shouldn’t be ringing in sick from your own job to look after him when he’s ill. If I was your employer and found out you were doing this I’m afraid your P45 would be on its way.

My husband gave a lovely speech where he raved about my family and his own but completely forgot to say how beautiful the bride was!
he still gets a stern look from me at other peoples weddings now when the beautiful bride is mentioned 🤣🤦‍♀️

Nobody has said you jump on everything?

But this is an utterly false relationship at the moment with one person keeping a detailed list of everything they do with a smile pasted on. including letting down their workplace for fear of saying no, and the other not even having the manners or sensitivity to make a small acknowledgement. That cant continue.

Oh my OP, my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry but there are absolutely no excuses for this whatsoever. Your DIL is well aware of the support you give them, and should've ensured that you were mentioned in his speech. I blame her as much as he.

The blame here is squarely on her DS. His speech, his mum, his thoughtlessness.

@AquaLeader totally disagree..DIL benefits from support too. My daughter would definitely have ensured her MIL been mentioned without any shadow of doubt.

I really hope that someone from your family has had a word with him and put him straight on a few things. That's one ungrateful & entitled adult child you've got there.

How dare he ignore your tireless dedication to him and his family. Are you 100% sure about your DIL? Not saying she's responsible, but maybe she's not as supportive of you as you'd like to think.

I think you need to become less available. Not easy, but better than being taken for granted.

You've had a tough time. Give yourself a break.

Don’t think your dil is so great, frankly, after all, she dumped you from the hen do for babysitting duties after you’d paid! That’s really shit of her. Something needs to be said, but it does risk, as pp have said, causing ructions and they could turn nasty and withdraw your gs from you, so be careful. You’ve gone above and beyond for your ds, he’s treating you like shit.

You are amazing!

You did so well not to say anything.

Had he pre- prepared a speech or was it spontaneous … was he reading it ?

Do you have other children OP?

I think you should take some time to reflect on what you want. Sounds like your grandson is extremely precious to you so worth making sure you get next steps right so you continue the relationship with him. Perhaps on your terms a bit more?

Do you feel they appreciate you normally OP? As in, day to day when you help them out? If so, maybe he made a mistake on the day - nerves or just thinking he had to be especially nice to his in laws.
Or do you feel taken for granted generally? I think you should find a way to tell your son if so. It will fester if not. Some people don't think of thanking close family but if it's hurtful then he needs to know. I guess you'll find out what kind of man your son is.

why are mothers so overlooked and unimportant, The exact same thing happened in my family op at my db's wedding, infact our mother and all the grooms immediate family were seated furthest away from the top table, our table was barely in the room, Also not a mention in the speech. It deeply upset our mother but like you she never said anything. I was much younger at the time and didn't say anything myself but looking back I feel annoyed for our poor mother, who was an amazing mum by the way. I can understand why you feel so hurt op. Sons inparticular can be so thoughtless.

That is absolutely awful OP, and you are right to feel deeply hurt.

Going forward, I would be looking after my Grandson on my terms only - as and when it suits and certainly not putting yourself out.

You have to learn to say no, and rehearse reasons "sorry, I am working/have an appointment/night out"...Maybe they will then appreciate all you do.

Unforgiveable. If you have the courage to have a dialogue about it, then do so. Your son's reaction will be telling. He should be mortified and apologise profusely.

Maybe OP you've given them the wrong impression. If you never complain, always say yes and tell them to spend your money on drinks, but are keeping count of everything you do for them, they will have no idea how you really feel. They may be perfectly grateful but you don't come across as someone who needs thanking. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear, but my dad is really selfless and helps whether we ask him to or not and I've had to remind DH not to take it for granted. Likewise maybe my MIL would feel like you , that we took her for granted. But honestly both my dad and MIL are the type that don't like being made a fuss of so it's actually really awkward showing them more explicit gratitude. Sometimes they seem to take offence when we do. Does that make sense?

Being a single parent is difficult, even at the happiest times, such as weddings. Single mothers are always expected to provide support and be available, often their feelings aren’t considered as much couples who have each other’s support, while having no support themselves.

youve every right to feel hurt by this because you sound like a great mother/ mil / grandmother.

hopefully it’s just an oversight because they take your help for granted and they know can rely on you regardless of thanks.

You sound lovely and the most amazing support. I’m so sorry you were upset. I’m sure it was thoughtlessness on his part but still.. you need to mention it in order to have respect for yourself.

There are ways of saying things … and you don’t have to make it long and drawn out or accusatory. You could just say “I was so sad and hurt that you forgot to mention me on your wedding day. It would have meant so much to me to be recognised alongside your in laws”…
you don’t need to say “you never mentioned me”… Just say “I felt hurt”.. then move on..
no blame. Don’t raise your voice or get angry.

I hope you feel better soon and get the thanks and appreciation you deserve xx

I feel so sad for you and came here just to say that my god, you sound like an amazing person. My MIL died before I knew her and my own mother spent my wedding day moaning about me and ignoring her grandchildren. I'd bend over backwards for somebody like you in my life. I hope you can brave mentioning it to them - I hate the idea that you will forever be hurt by this and they won't have the opportunity to make it up to you and notice how amazing you are.

He should've thanked you because you sound like an amazing mum and and he is lucky to have you. But I'll bet the reason he didn't is because you are so close that everything you do for him is a given. He felt he had to thank everyone else because they have done nice things for him but with you, you have always done things for him and always will so it doesn't need to be said. Of course it should be said but I mean you are sort of like a part of him, in his team, in his corner. He expects you to rush in when there are emergencies because you have been such a wonderful mum and he knows your love is unconditional, to the point it doesn't cross his mind that he needs to say it.
I've noticed with my family we never usually thank each other like we do “outsiders" because it doesn't really need to be said. We will be there hail or shine, but I think I will make more of an effort after reading your post.

I would tell him you have never felt so hurt and disappointed by anyone as you were of him after his wedding speech. I would tell him if he thinks even the women who made his wedding cake deserved thanks, but no public acknowledgement whatsoever was owing to his own mother, then he is either callous and deliberately hurtful, or so phenomenally self-centred that he thinks everything you do for him is done out of obligation, not choice. I would tell him you had hoped that your love for him was reciprocal, but by failing to mention you in his speech, he made you feel unloved, unappreciated and worthless.

That is awful to go through.

its seems that your son doesn’t value or prioritise you as much as he should.
of all the things you have done for him including putting his needs before your own, considering you put your work life and your chance of some fun and excitement for a change as a second priority to his needs and wants, he should’ve atleast been grateful for all of your help, he takes you for granted…
You are the bigger person for keeping your composure during the wedding and you should be proud of yourself.
But you need to make time for yourself and put yourself first from now on.
Make your time less available and if you have work, then you have work don’t take it off for someone who wouldn’t consider you if you needed the help yourself.
Take yourself on a well deserved vacation of your own and make less time for selfish people who take you for granted.

just to add … I suggested you say it in this way, because I think you should say something but I get that you don’t want to affect your relationship with your grandson.
this is a way of getting across how you feel without hopefully causing a huge row.
Xx

I would talk to him about it and how you felt. As a fellow people pleaser, I have learned that if I don’t say anything, my resentment still leaks out in passive aggressive ways, which has the potential to spoil a relationship. It doesn’t do anyone any favours, least of all, me.

Speaking out early on does help to clear the air. Even if the other person doesn’t agree with you and argues back, there is something about vocalising your thoughts and you are able to move on.

I would say something like “David, I enjoyed your wedding and it was amazing how it all came together on the day. However, I was surprised and hurt when in the speech, you did not mention me at all. It made me feel I wasn’t that important to you, Sally and Little Johnnie. I am someone that wants to feel that they are valued and loved as part of an extended family, especially so lately with the stuff that’s happened to me earlier this year. I don’t mind if you want to take a little time to think about what I have just said before responding, as I know you might be a bit surprised. I am not someone who is good at expressing my feelings and it was hard for me to say the words.”

Then move on to another subject matter after that.

Your son probably has taken you for granted and his oversight was likely unintended. So he will need time to think it over.

I'm so sorry @MyPunnyHedgehog I am sending you a massive hug, telling you I wish you were a part of my family because you sound like a dream come true mum/mil!

I have sons and I think widely as society people have this view your son is expected to fuck off once they're married but that's such crap.
We've just had years of men being let off having to do things like remember their mums birthday or (mumsnet is a terrific example) when a DiL is sorting out MiLs cards and gifts. Sadly that narrative has left a lot of mums of boys be hugely under appreciated.
I don't think that will shift until we all stop excusing men for not putting effort in with their mothers.
The amount of time I've been told "a son is a son until he takes a wife" and it used to really upset me. Now I just think if that's how they treat me once they've left the nest then I'm getting a load of cats and leaving my assets to them.

Exactly, MN tries not to blame women but in this case she has benefitted from OP kindness both financially and in terms of help. She should have been attentive enough to his speech to realise his gaffe and told him to go and apologise to his mother. If the OP follows the sensible advice from many posters and cuts back on her baby sitting and generally being their dog's body I think she will then be here moaning about her horrible MIL!