Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

You've raised a selfish person. You're doing too much for him, you probably always have. I'd mention i was hurt by the speech and pull back from them.

I suspect your son takes you for granted as your ‘just mum’ and he expects this from you. Often kids fail to see their own parents as human beings in their own right. I would mention his speech miss to him and how upset you were and leave it at that. Moving forward you need to help him see and understand you are a person with your own needs and not just mum. Reset the boundaries.

This is so sad. I think you are going to have to step back. If they ask for help do not take a sick day or cancel anything. They are not organising themselves are they - stag and hen do on same night???? Of course they new about it but left it until last minute for childcare knowing that you always step in. You need to get on with your life. It is as you say that mostly mothers of sons can be sidelined. Don't be afraid to say no to babysitting and you don't need to go into a reason. Just sorry I'm busy that night or working that day. They know how to use their child to take advantage of you. Your son needs a lesson in how to be grateful. Wish you every good thing in life moving on.

I wouldn't be available to babysit so often and as for phoning into work sick from now on, nope. I'd tell them I can't babysit as I'm working. Take a back seat and if he asks what's wrong, tell him straight and point out other people noticed you hadn't been thanked for all you do in his speech and were disgusted. He sounds exactly like my brother. Didn't matter what was done for him my parents never got a thanks. My parents should've nipped that behaviour in the bud many years ago but didn't say a word and wouldn't allow me to say anything. If I were you, I'd certainly say something to him as his selfish behaviour will only get worse.

I feel enormously sorry for you OP but I’m afraid pointing out the error of your DS ‘s ways might have unintended consequences. I would withdraw from freely offering help and stop giving him money. Find yourself an expensive hobby, photography or pottery and throw yourself into it. Alas, when it comes down to it our children owe us nothing and some follow that through of not only giving nothing back but taking a bit too much. Don’t dwell on your DS ‘s behaviour. It won’t help. Am sending a big hug to you!

I honestly think a lot of men are not emotionally attached to their parents as adults. Some women may encourage a man to have little contact with his parents. I think the kind of man who stops bothering with his parents is the kind of man who remarries quickly after the death of his wife/partner. Sadly, I have seen widowed men move on so fast, even if they have young grieving children.
A man who has a strong, loving relationship with his parents is more likely to have strong loving relationships with his wife and family.

He’s a selfish so and so but you’ve enabled that. You need to explain how he’s hurt you.

Tell him that the wedding day was the last time he took you for granted. It will hurt you more than it will hurt him, and he will say 'but it's obvious that....' and such claptrap, but you are not a doormat. It's not about money, which, as we say in Malta, goes and comes, but it's about respect.

Sexist claptrap, maybe back in the day when good little wifey stayed at home and saw to husband’s every need, which mummy dear had previously done. The 1950s are calling!

Saying that, I’m forever reading on here how the husband frequently does sod all while the wife deals with the entire mental load as well as working full time.

Your son sounds absolutely disgraceful OP - he really should be ashamed of himself.

stop letting him treat you like a door mat. It’s now time to prioritise you - spend your money and your time on YOU! 🥂💐

@KJCP

i disagree. Children do owe their parents. They owe them common respect and thanks and appreciation etc etc. just in the same way they should that to any other person who does things for them. And at the end of the day parents are people - not some entirely different species that you don’t have to show any thanks or appreciation towards!

Don't tell him, write it down, list it like you did here. Don't complain, just list it. Then write how hurtful it was to be overlooked in any planning except for looking after the baby, overlooked in any thought so you had no time to get ready, overlooked in any thanks, whether private or public.

You’re basically an unpaid Nanny and cleaner.

That's a matter of opinion.

@dayatatime18

is it?! How so? Is OP’s son doing her a favour when she does all this stuff for him?!

anyway it sounds like Op is gonna pull it back and start putting herself first at last! 🙌

I read it as the poster was suggesting that being there 24/7 for her son and grandson was a privilege.

My thoughts were that it was definitely not a privilege to be used the way Op has been!

I find this both shocking and familiar. I partly think it is something to do with needing to separate from you because the bond was so close. It it is wrong and hurtful. It defines being taken for granted.
Since my son’s marriage I have been completely sidelined. No hen night invite, no mention in speech. Just asked to pay for photographer (a lot) but no role in choosing anything.
To cap it all at the reception to which my brother and nephew had travelled hundreds of miles and knew no one I was asked by the brides father to leave to sit in granddaughter’s (18months) room while she slept (hotel). A granddaughter I had never ever been allowed to look after or see without the presence of her mother and I had only seen a handful of times.. And I said no. I still feel guilty about it.
The whole wedding is a bad memory, such a shame and of course they thought it was brilliant.
i have carried on nodding and smiling and giving ever since. I live quite away from them, his stepfather left me when DS went to Uni - he stayed in his university town.
But DS is a brilliant husband and father so I rest my case. I did my job well. I don’t need anything more. I think you might have to see it the same way.
As the old saying goes ‘a good deed never goes unpunished’ but of course your sincere loving and care will be hard-wired in him, without him even knowing. He’ll take that for granted to.
I’ve just remembered the most humiliating thing he did. We were attending the funeral of his stepfather (who had dumped me for younger woman after 12 years. ) He was socialising with the deceased’s family and close friends and I bravely went to join him and he publicly rejected me. I saw the pity in the other women’s eyes. I don’t think he knew what he was doing.
It’s hard and I also think it has to do with the fact I am single. I don’t think they would treat me like they do if there was a man in place to defend me. It’s hard being an independent woman. To many our value is less. Stay strong. It’s shocking and disreputable.

My heart absolutely breaks for you. You sound absolutely lovely. My mother in law is like you and I count my blessing daily.

They are both selfish and it's pretty unforgivable.

I would distance myself and just do things with my grandson like days out just the two of you.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this . I think you are right to feel hurt by this and also the getting bumped out of the hen do .

I appreciate that your son was perhaps a bit nervous and didn't think .
I do think you have to do something about it , as sadly you are being taken for granted for all the kind and thoughtful things you do . If you don't feel able to speak to him directly I would think of which one of your relatives is most diplomatic and could speak on your behalf . I think they need to spell out how upset you were on the day and also flag up the hen do . You are being treated as lesser than the in laws . Get them to speak to him when he is back from honeymoon . He just accepts that you will always put him first . I think you need to think of your own needs and that includes not putting your own job at risk . If you are in the process of divorcing , you also need to think about your financial future / pension etc .

Part of the role as parent even when they are grown up , is to call them out on behaviour . You want your son to continue to be a well rounded man . You did brilliantly on the day to swallow down your own hurt and put on a brave face .

Nah he didn’t forget cos he was nervous, he managed to remember everyone else, for some reason he just didn’t bother, prob takes his mum for granted and expects her help and assistance so didn’t feel it warranted a mention, I would feel just as gutted as OP and I agree she needs to untie those apron strings and babysit when it suits her and certainly don’t phone in sick to babysit, lend money etc

You’re an amazing mum. It sounds like he’s blind to it because you’re ALWAYS an amazing mum so it’s completely the norm and he’s become blind to all you do.

absolutely speak to him and tell him how you feel!! This can be salvaged. Not talking is where the relationship is ruined.

Also you clearly love them very much so suddenly being less available, imho, is simply cutting your nose to spite your face.

speak to him and get this resolved. I imagine he will be horrified.

I am one of those mothers too. It is always worse for mothers with sons. I know when he phones it never is to ask how we are but usually to ask for a favour. I just smile like you and get on with things, as I am getting older now I occasionally do bite back usually to much suprise and indignation. It doesn't change things as we have been as we are for too long. Sending you a hug x

Hi there,

Firstly, I'm really sorry you’re feeling like this. It’s completely understandable that you’d feel hurt and disappointed, especially given all the love, time, and support you’ve given your son and his family. When we give so much, it’s only natural to hope for a bit of recognition, especially on such a big day.

Here are some ideas on moving forward:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: This day was important to you too, so it’s only natural to feel a sense of loss. Acknowledge those feelings without judging yourself. Let yourself have a cry if you need to, talk to someone you trust, or write down your thoughts. Processing these emotions is a healthy first step.

1. Reflect on Your Relationship with Your Son: You’ve been incredibly generous and involved, but perhaps it’s time to think about adjusting the balance a bit. You might want to ask yourself what feels fair and fulfilling to you in this relationship, without overextending yourself.

1. Consider a Gentle Conversation: When they’re back from honeymoon, and only if it feels right, you could consider a calm and heartfelt conversation with your son. Rather than focusing on what happened, let him know how much you love him and how his appreciation would mean the world to you. Keep it gentle to avoid defensiveness, which can help build understanding without causing a rift.

1. Set Boundaries for Your Wellbeing: Going forward, consider being selective about how and when you help out. Being a supportive mum is wonderful, but having some boundaries can help you keep a bit of balance. Ask yourself if certain tasks truly need your immediate help, and don’t be afraid to say no sometimes if you need the space.

1. Focus on Your Bond with Your Grandson: It’s clear that you adore your grandson, and he’s lucky to have such a caring nan. Focus on nurturing that bond, and make the most of those moments. He’ll grow up knowing he has a special relationship with you.

1. Take Time for Yourself: You’ve given so much, so take a bit of time to focus on your own needs. That might be reconnecting with friends, getting back into a hobby, or simply allowing yourself to relax.

Family relationships can be complex, and they’re always evolving. It might take time, but your son may come to realise the depth of your love and dedication. You've shown him so much love and resilience, and while it might not feel like it, those things have a way of leaving a lasting impact.

I’m so sorry your going through that . It’s a horrible horrible feeling. I have always let him go and not tried to keep him tied to my apron strings . I was happy as long as he was safe and happy . Always been there when I’m needed but now I think I’ve been a mug . It was hard enough going alone as my husband of 20yrs had left me 6 months previously for another women . I have never told my son what I went through with him and the reason that broke the camel back was something that he said that was against my son and grandson about their colour . When I think of him I picture him sitting around a big table them all having Sunday lunch or out for meals. I then have to remind myself it’s not true and possibly not what’s happening . They came back off honeymoon in Thurs but can’t bring myself to message to see if he has had a good time . I’m sending thought and hugs to you . I know exactly what it’s like . Xx

@MyPunnyHedgehog start investing your time and money in YOU now OP! Your hobbies, your interests, whatever floats your boat… it’s your time now! 😀 🥂