Page 6 | I was screamed at by my mum because I don't like a particular food

user1471867483 · 2024-09-18T14:03:20+00:00

I was screamed at for being selfish! We were going to have a certain meal together but I can't stand one key ingredient in this particular meal. I find it inedible, but mum said I'm being totally selfish as, 'she'll eat things she doesn't like to please me' and yes even though I prepare near on every meal, and do the dishes every time after, she does the cooking. She screamed she hates me and detests me and she can't even hug me and can't stand being around me. Surely if I don't like the taste of something I should be 'allowed'?

Differentstarts · 20/09/2024 16:55

Velvetandgold · 20/09/2024 14:42

Abusive parents fail miserably at this. OP is likely a victim of her circumstances of growing up with a toxic mother.
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OP you should look to move out. A room in an HMO or as a lodger in someone's home. Lots of people would prefer a mature single sensible (making assumptions about you here) lodger over a younger person.
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Plenty of adults live "failed" lives, where their earning potential (or in some cases inability to work/hold down a job) means they live in HMO's, it isn't just young people, lots of people's lives don't work out the way they planned/expected/hoped and they have to live somewhere, plenty don't have family who could/would take them in. Lots on MN are likely totally unaware of this because those sort of people aren't likely to be on a parenting forum posting about their situation. It's what happens to people who age out of flat sharing with friends but don't earn enough to afford a private rental on a flat by themselves and there's not enough social housing to go around, so a lot end up in HMO's.
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OP you could raise your earnings by taking on a second part time job. You could look for something afternoon/early evening to fit around your current job. The higher earnings will give you more options about where to live.
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Your mum is behaving nastily but you're an adult now and have to take responsibility for yourself. You have the power to change your life for the better by moving out.
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If you haven't already, join the housing register at the council. See what help is available. They may be able to put you in touch with a LL who won't need references (although your employer may give you a character reference if you ask) and in some circumstances the council have schemes where they'll pay/loan you the money for a deposit. You'll also be able to bid for council/housing association flats which have cheaper rents than private ones. It could take years and years but eventually your turn will come up.
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In the meantime get on with finding lodgings elsewhere. Living with your mum is stifling your personal development and preventing you from being the person you are deep down. It's an unhealthy dynamic.

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I grew up in an abusive home you know what I did left I didn't stay their for 50 years it's clearly not been that bad

Original poster

user1471867483 · 20/09/2024 16:59

I like this sentence, "Plenty of adults live "failed" lives". Nods in agreement.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2024 17:01

user1471867483 · 20/09/2024 16:59

I like this sentence, "Plenty of adults live "failed" lives". Nods in agreement.

Can you start looking for lodgings or shared flats/houses?

JaneFondue · 20/09/2024 17:13

Well with your update, of course she is abusive and domineering. Rather a drip feed.

What happens if you ask to be treated better? Realistically, you may have to wait till she dies, if you can't move out.

Velvetandgold · 21/09/2024 01:05

Differentstarts · 20/09/2024 16:55

I grew up in an abusive home you know what I did left I didn't stay their for 50 years it's clearly not been that bad

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Perhaps you also think people in cults totally brainwashed and suffering daily emotional abuse are still there and haven't left because "it's not that bad"? Or people in violently abusive marriages who "only" get beaten occasionally, when they've tried to stand up for themselves about something or other, stay because "it's not that bad"?

You're full of nonsense and don't understand mental abuse and how much it can affect people's thought processes. Congratulations on getting away from your abuser(s), I'm happy for you, it's a great outcome. Other people don't stay because "it's not that bad". They stay because they've been conditioned to tolerate the abuse, sometimes don't even recognize it as abuse because it's all they've known for so long and don't know how/why or even that they should leave. Telling someone who is so deeply mired in the abusive situation "it can't be that bad" if they're still there, is toxic behaviour from you.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 21/09/2024 01:25

user1471867483 · 20/09/2024 13:34

My situation entirely 🤷

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Maybe if you worked more than 32 hours a week, you would be able to afford to live alone. Have you ever lived independently?

mathanxiety · 21/09/2024 01:50

user1471867483 · 18/09/2024 20:14

I just cannot understand her high drama. You see, I don't like the mince (the meat beef or any meat mince). I cannot stand the taste of it and I prefer Quorn mince, not because I'm a veggie - I just happen to like it! Mum always makes lovely spag bol with the Quorn mince and says she only uses it for me as she prefers meat mince. I simply cannot eat spag bol without the Quorn variety and she hit the roof saying 'for once forget yourself and have it like how I like it for a change'. Now she's saying she's hated me since the day I was born and how I'll be the death of her!
So there you have it really 🤷😢. I don't mean to be selfish, but I can't eat what I don't like as it's a waste.

You need to move out.

The relationship is not healthy.

Why are you living with her?

mathanxiety · 21/09/2024 01:52

user1471867483 · 18/09/2024 20:23

Think she's always hated me. She tells me I remind her of my dad (who died when I was 6). She mocks my shyness and said if it wasn't for my shyness, I'd have got on better in life. But really, should I be coerced to eat what I can't tolerate?

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Why are you living with this harridan?

No, you shouldn't be coerced I to eating something you don't want, and the simple way to avoid that is to move into your own home, even as a lodger.

mathanxiety · 21/09/2024 01:56

user1471867483 · 20/09/2024 13:48

No, never moved out because it's only been me and mum. I have no family (everyone's dead). I'm a lone child to a widowed mum. I do everything in the home; DIY, accompany her on medical appointments, I work 30 hours a week, and do cleaning, hoovering that kind of thing.

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You've never moved out because your mother hobbled you.

Can you afford therapy?

Differentstarts · 21/09/2024 07:42

Velvetandgold · 21/09/2024 01:05

Perhaps you also think people in cults totally brainwashed and suffering daily emotional abuse are still there and haven't left because "it's not that bad"? Or people in violently abusive marriages who "only" get beaten occasionally, when they've tried to stand up for themselves about something or other, stay because "it's not that bad"?

You're full of nonsense and don't understand mental abuse and how much it can affect people's thought processes. Congratulations on getting away from your abuser(s), I'm happy for you, it's a great outcome. Other people don't stay because "it's not that bad". They stay because they've been conditioned to tolerate the abuse, sometimes don't even recognize it as abuse because it's all they've known for so long and don't know how/why or even that they should leave. Telling someone who is so deeply mired in the abusive situation "it can't be that bad" if they're still there, is toxic behaviour from you.

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Your right her mum making the food she likes that one time instead of always making op favourite every other time I just can't imagine the horrors

Helpnifoseeker · 21/09/2024 09:24

@user1471867483 Oh that's horrible OP, you can't go on like this, enduring that kind of behaviour! Clearly your mother has some sort of problem but that doesn't mean she has the right to make your life a misery, to take it out on you! Please get the help and support you need to move out and free yourself from this! You would surely be entitled to some practical help, as her behaviour towards you is abusive.
When you do move out, she will be enraged or try to make you feel guilty and sorry for her but don't give in to it! Go No Contact with her or at the very least, very, very low contact! Please try to get to your GP asap to ask for counselling as well OP, to help you navigate and untangle all this! Sending you a hug!

Original poster

user1471867483 · 21/09/2024 10:52

Velvetandgold · 21/09/2024 01:05

Perhaps you also think people in cults totally brainwashed and suffering daily emotional abuse are still there and haven't left because "it's not that bad"? Or people in violently abusive marriages who "only" get beaten occasionally, when they've tried to stand up for themselves about something or other, stay because "it's not that bad"?

You're full of nonsense and don't understand mental abuse and how much it can affect people's thought processes. Congratulations on getting away from your abuser(s), I'm happy for you, it's a great outcome. Other people don't stay because "it's not that bad". They stay because they've been conditioned to tolerate the abuse, sometimes don't even recognize it as abuse because it's all they've known for so long and don't know how/why or even that they should leave. Telling someone who is so deeply mired in the abusive situation "it can't be that bad" if they're still there, is toxic behaviour from you.

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Gosh, you're so good xx
I think we have to realise that some people out there just don't get it and never will.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471867483 · 21/09/2024 10:55

Helpnifoseeker · 21/09/2024 09:24

@user1471867483 Oh that's horrible OP, you can't go on like this, enduring that kind of behaviour! Clearly your mother has some sort of problem but that doesn't mean she has the right to make your life a misery, to take it out on you! Please get the help and support you need to move out and free yourself from this! You would surely be entitled to some practical help, as her behaviour towards you is abusive.
When you do move out, she will be enraged or try to make you feel guilty and sorry for her but don't give in to it! Go No Contact with her or at the very least, very, very low contact! Please try to get to your GP asap to ask for counselling as well OP, to help you navigate and untangle all this! Sending you a hug!

You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. I'm going for counselling and I'm barely speaking to my mother now which is just as well xx

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471867483 · 21/09/2024 15:55

Helpnifoseeker · 21/09/2024 09:24

@user1471867483 Oh that's horrible OP, you can't go on like this, enduring that kind of behaviour! Clearly your mother has some sort of problem but that doesn't mean she has the right to make your life a misery, to take it out on you! Please get the help and support you need to move out and free yourself from this! You would surely be entitled to some practical help, as her behaviour towards you is abusive.
When you do move out, she will be enraged or try to make you feel guilty and sorry for her but don't give in to it! Go No Contact with her or at the very least, very, very low contact! Please try to get to your GP asap to ask for counselling as well OP, to help you navigate and untangle all this! Sending you a hug!

Hope this doesn't sound stupid, but can you tell me what form of counselling my situation would come under? I can self refer, but I don't even know what 'category' I come under 🤦

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 21/09/2024 20:44

Are you thinking of NHS referral or private counselling.

As far as private counselling is concerned look on BACP and UKCP and search for those in your area.
See who you warm to from what they say in their "blurb" or on their own website

They will all offer an initial session where you can describe your situation and they will tell you what they offer. They should be honest with you about whether they think they can offer you appropriate help and you get some idea of how they work, whether you warm to them in person etc. Many studies have shown that it is often not the particular way in which the therapist works that matters but the quality of relationship between the therapist and client.

It is difficult for anyone to say what type of issue you would be going with, just from a chat on MN but it possibly might be something like relational trauma or emotional abuse.

If you are thinking of self referring via NHS then there will be a very long waiting list and it will be limited to the type of therapy offered in your area - often just CBT.

Original poster

user1471867483 · 23/09/2024 06:53

EducatingArti · 21/09/2024 20:44

Are you thinking of NHS referral or private counselling.

As far as private counselling is concerned look on BACP and UKCP and search for those in your area.
See who you warm to from what they say in their "blurb" or on their own website

They will all offer an initial session where you can describe your situation and they will tell you what they offer. They should be honest with you about whether they think they can offer you appropriate help and you get some idea of how they work, whether you warm to them in person etc. Many studies have shown that it is often not the particular way in which the therapist works that matters but the quality of relationship between the therapist and client.

It is difficult for anyone to say what type of issue you would be going with, just from a chat on MN but it possibly might be something like relational trauma or emotional abuse.

If you are thinking of self referring via NHS then there will be a very long waiting list and it will be limited to the type of therapy offered in your area - often just CBT.

I think NHS really as I can't afford to go private. I just need to know how to describe the type of counselling I am after as they always ask what you're seeking and I don't know which category. I need to know what to do with my future too xx

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 23/09/2024 09:57

What types of counselling are the NHS offering in your area?

mathanxiety · 23/09/2024 19:01

user1471867483 · 23/09/2024 06:53

I think NHS really as I can't afford to go private. I just need to know how to describe the type of counselling I am after as they always ask what you're seeking and I don't know which category. I need to know what to do with my future too xx

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Ask for counseling to help you leave an abusive relationship with a raging narcissist.

You can call Women's Aid and ask for support too -
0808 2000 247

Original poster

user1471867483 · 24/09/2024 08:54

mathanxiety · 23/09/2024 19:01

Ask for counseling to help you leave an abusive relationship with a raging narcissist.

You can call Women's Aid and ask for support too -
0808 2000 247

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Thank you so much xx

OP posts:

DrummingMousWife · 24/09/2024 08:55

Move out OP. You are clearly doing each others head in!

Calliopespa · 24/09/2024 09:04

user1471867483 · 18/09/2024 20:14

I just cannot understand her high drama. You see, I don't like the mince (the meat beef or any meat mince). I cannot stand the taste of it and I prefer Quorn mince, not because I'm a veggie - I just happen to like it! Mum always makes lovely spag bol with the Quorn mince and says she only uses it for me as she prefers meat mince. I simply cannot eat spag bol without the Quorn variety and she hit the roof saying 'for once forget yourself and have it like how I like it for a change'. Now she's saying she's hated me since the day I was born and how I'll be the death of her!
So there you have it really 🤷😢. I don't mean to be selfish, but I can't eat what I don't like as it's a waste.

This sounds as though the mince was a trigger for something more ongoing. To play Devil’s advocate here, are you referring to the mince incident because that was the straw that broke your mum’s temper and you are generally a bit demanding/ prone to sssert your preferences?

Certainly it sounds as though she normally cooks your Quorn mince for you and, while it isn’t nice to scream at you, sometimes parents can become a bit tired of dc who expect the world to revolve round them. She is right that, provided there is no allergy, you ought to be capable of sometimes letting her cook it the way she likes it. I’m wondering if we are not getting the full story here. 🤔

Nightsleeper129 · 24/09/2024 09:13

Ring women's aid as suggested upthread. You need help to move out. Wishing you all the very best!
I hope you are able to access some counselling too.

Calliopespa · 24/09/2024 09:16

Calliopespa · 24/09/2024 09:04

This sounds as though the mince was a trigger for something more ongoing. To play Devil’s advocate here, are you referring to the mince incident because that was the straw that broke your mum’s temper and you are generally a bit demanding/ prone to sssert your preferences?

Certainly it sounds as though she normally cooks your Quorn mince for you and, while it isn’t nice to scream at you, sometimes parents can become a bit tired of dc who expect the world to revolve round them. She is right that, provided there is no allergy, you ought to be capable of sometimes letting her cook it the way she likes it. I’m wondering if we are not getting the full story here. 🤔

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Adding to my last post to say I’ve now seen your updates about shyness etc and it seems her unkindness does go deeper than just the mince incident ( though your thread title definitely directs the focus to that). It does sound as though tensions are running high between you because of the living arrangements. But tbh I don’t see the mince thing as huge, given she normally makes it your way,

Teaortea · 08/10/2024 08:56

user1471867483 · 23/09/2024 06:53

I think NHS really as I can't afford to go private. I just need to know how to describe the type of counselling I am after as they always ask what you're seeking and I don't know which category. I need to know what to do with my future too xx

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It's worth going to your GP and explaining everything, say that you know you need help but you don't know where to start. Some gp surgeries have in house starting points for counselling. It's basic but it is a step in the right direction whilst you're on a waitlist.
I really feel for you op but I really believe you are stronger than you realise. You've been given great advice on here and you know where to come for support and further help, we're here for you and rooting for you.

Original poster

user1471867483 · 18/10/2024 12:05

Teaortea · 08/10/2024 08:56

It's worth going to your GP and explaining everything, say that you know you need help but you don't know where to start. Some gp surgeries have in house starting points for counselling. It's basic but it is a step in the right direction whilst you're on a waitlist.
I really feel for you op but I really believe you are stronger than you realise. You've been given great advice on here and you know where to come for support and further help, we're here for you and rooting for you.

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How lovely. This has made my day 😥❤

OP posts: