I was screamed at by my mum because I don't like a particular food

[user1471867483]

I was screamed at for being selfish! We were going to have a certain meal together but I can't stand one key ingredient in this particular meal. I find it inedible, but mum said I'm being totally selfish as, 'she'll eat things she doesn't like to please me' and yes even though I prepare near on every meal, and do the dishes every time after, she does the cooking. She screamed she hates me and detests me and she can't even hug me and can't stand being around me.
Surely if I don't like the taste of something I should be 'allowed'?

@Cantsleeper Given that the OP is in her 50's and her Mum's 80, I'd hope that they're now in a situation whereby the OP does most of the household chores and makes her Mum's life as easy as possible.

My Dad's in his 80's and while he may make the odd meal (which probably wouldn't be to my liking, tbh, but I'd eat it anyway), I think it's important to take care of elderly people and make allowances for some mental deterioration too. I've noticed that my Dad is far quicker to anger nowadays, he hasn't got dementia but he's less in control of his emotions. Plus he has some health problems so is often in pain.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is a similar situation. Be understanding towards your Mum, OP, the 80's are tough years.

Sorry posted twice.

My situation entirely 🤷

Interesting point.

Just saw your update about your Mum losing her temper again this morning. Are you sure that she doesn't have some mental deterioration? Such overreactions can be a sign of it.

Because I've never married she blames it on my shyness and low self esteem on that. She says who'll want me anyway. Yes, I do work, but I'm a timid, quiet worker (office).

I think that is so dependent on how you said it

So, you are in your 50s and your mum is 80? Why didn’t you ever move out eg in your 20s or 30s? Rents and mortgages were a lot more affordable then

Have you never lived away from your mother's house op?

Are you timid and quiet due to your upbringing perhaps? Do you have any siblings?

No, never moved out because it's only been me and mum. I have no family (everyone's dead). I'm a lone child to a widowed mum. I do everything in the home; DIY, accompany her on medical appointments, I work 30 hours a week, and do cleaning, hoovering that kind of thing.

Yes, spot on.

We can agree to disagree :)

What are you asking for on this thread, OP. Advice on how to deal with your Mum's behaviour? It sounds as if you've been in an unhealthy dynamic for decades so you can try setting boundaries and telling her not to speak to you like that, but it may be too late. At 80, she may not change.

Thank you everyone. I've learnt so much xx

It’s such a common situation now. Ignore all the people bitching about you living at home, it’s not helpful or necessary and is deeply unkind given what you’ve written here.

Your recent updates paint a picture of a nasty, abusive parent. I’m so sorry she treats you this way. My dad was similar, it’s a horrible feeling when a parent who’s meant to be your biggest fan and supporter is actually your biggest bully x

It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic and you sound like you were raised by a domineering mother and were unable to develop as a person and make a life of your own. It’s quite tragic. I don’t think your mum will change though - she is 80 years old. It’s probably difficult for you to change too - maybe you hide behind the shy and timid persona a bit and use this as the reason why you can’t do various things. Both of you are probably ultimately unhappy and blame the other for why life has not turned out like you hoped.

If moving out is not an option you have to find ways to cope with it. Statistically it’s unlikely to last more than another 10 years or so so you will eventually get your freedom. Does she at least own her house and are you sure you will inherit?

Thank you. You're right xx

@Nobodywouldknow Wise words. It's very difficult to change decades of entrenched behavior, the OP can try to set boundaries, but she may have to live with it for her Mum's remaining years. As you say, I do hope that she'll inherit the house.

Yes, she owns the tiny property and yes I will inherit it xx

Essential ingredient or not, that's no excuse to scream at OP.

OP, she sounds unhinged, is that normal behaviour for her? You're entitled to have your likes/dislikes without being berated for it.

Well then eventually you will have your own place. Try to endure the current situation as much as you can. Can you go out a lot, do hobbies and things? Avoid socialising with your mum where possible?
As for it being tiny, it’s neither here nor there. It’s a place to live.
It does sound incredibly toxic with all the blame passing between both parties. She’s clearly a bully, possibly a narcissist and she has caused her daughter to grow up lacking the confidence to live her own life. People like that shouldn’t have children. You on the other hand though seem like you passively accept that your life couldn’t have been any different but you could have left as soon as you became an adult and at various points you could have escaped this situation. Mentally it’s better to accept that your life is within your own control rather than blaming someone else for how you have ended up.

Abusive parents fail miserably at this. OP is likely a victim of her circumstances of growing up with a toxic mother.
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OP you should look to move out. A room in an HMO or as a lodger in someone's home. Lots of people would prefer a mature single sensible (making assumptions about you here) lodger over a younger person.
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Plenty of adults live "failed" lives, where their earning potential (or in some cases inability to work/hold down a job) means they live in HMO's, it isn't just young people, lots of people's lives don't work out the way they planned/expected/hoped and they have to live somewhere, plenty don't have family who could/would take them in. Lots on MN are likely totally unaware of this because those sort of people aren't likely to be on a parenting forum posting about their situation. It's what happens to people who age out of flat sharing with friends but don't earn enough to afford a private rental on a flat by themselves and there's not enough social housing to go around, so a lot end up in HMO's.
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OP you could raise your earnings by taking on a second part time job. You could look for something afternoon/early evening to fit around your current job. The higher earnings will give you more options about where to live.
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Your mum is behaving nastily but you're an adult now and have to take responsibility for yourself. You have the power to change your life for the better by moving out.
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If you haven't already, join the housing register at the council. See what help is available. They may be able to put you in touch with a LL who won't need references (although your employer may give you a character reference if you ask) and in some circumstances the council have schemes where they'll pay/loan you the money for a deposit. You'll also be able to bid for council/housing association flats which have cheaper rents than private ones. It could take years and years but eventually your turn will come up.
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In the meantime get on with finding lodgings elsewhere. Living with your mum is stifling your personal development and preventing you from being the person you are deep down. It's an unhealthy dynamic.

"You can't leave, you can't cope on your own. Where would you go? Nobody else would have someone like you" -

• is the kind of thing domestic abuse spouses say to their partner to stop them leaving by destroying their self-belief, confidence and hope of a better future. It's all complete bullshit. You can survive on your own, thrive even. There's nothing quite so soul destroying as being mentally battered every day.

. I agree with others, if you're going to stay and wait for her to die you need to go out a lot. . Refuse to be her personal carer if she ends up needing one, the relationship between you is too toxic for that, it wouldn't be good for either of you and it'll destroy you completely. Moving out makes it a lot easier for you to refuse to be her carer, social services will definitely try to pressurise you into it if the time comes that she needs care.

Oh my gosh...thank you so much for the latest replies. I can't believe the help you have given me in this. I didn't think help was out there! I can't thank you enough. At last, I now have a 'description' for my circumstances, if you get me, plus my mum has at last been defined as toxic. My goodness...how did it get to this 🤨