I was screamed at by my mum because I don't like a particular food

[user1471867483]

I was screamed at for being selfish! We were going to have a certain meal together but I can't stand one key ingredient in this particular meal. I find it inedible, but mum said I'm being totally selfish as, 'she'll eat things she doesn't like to please me' and yes even though I prepare near on every meal, and do the dishes every time after, she does the cooking. She screamed she hates me and detests me and she can't even hug me and can't stand being around me.
Surely if I don't like the taste of something I should be 'allowed'?

Think she's always hated me. She tells me I remind her of my dad (who died when I was 6). She mocks my shyness and said if it wasn't for my shyness, I'd have got on better in life. But really, should I be coerced to eat what I can't tolerate?

Are you moving out or not? Have you ever lived independently and if not what’s the reason?

This feels one of those where you repeat stuff about this one off incident while refusing to acknowledge the bigger issues or change anything. Do you work?

Thank you so much 😞 xx

Honestly, I think the one doing the cooking gets to choose to cook it to their tastes.

You're an adult. Why is your Mum still cooking for you?

Time cook for yourself, and preferably, stand on your own two feet and move out.

Of course, no-one should be shouting and screaming. However, I'd find living with someone who expected me to cook to their tastes and acted like a fussy teenager when presented with a good healthy meal very frustrating indeed.

Maybe your Mum is fed up of having to cater to your wants?

If you’re well over teens why are you living with her? And why are you refusing to say why you live her?

If you’re 40 and never flown the nest, she is probably (and understandably) sick of cooking for you.

My DD moved back recently, she’s 23 and working odd hours- hospitality industry. It’s been a bit of an adjustment for me after adjusting to them moving out for Uni. I’m also stressed beyond belief, not sleeping and worried about money/cost of living/bills.

I would never speak to my children they way your mother did OP

In your position OP could you move out? Maybe a flat share if you can’t afford a flat on your own.

You sound lovely. Can't believe my life and how I get spoken to. I work 6m-2pm four days a week since COVID (we had to stagger our hours) and I have always paid my way here. My mum compares me to everyone too 😞

It is very clearly op not just about the mince.

My own daughter, 15, does this.

Her own brain seems to omit piles and piles of stuff she does that's difficult to tolerate, and focuses only on the bit where I lose it because it's the straw that breaks my back.

I suspect she's had enough.

I think ages would help here.

This isn't about the mince. I imagine it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I wonder what her version of it is.

It must be difficult, I agree. You have spent your entire childhood being told what to do by her, and now you're an adult it is pretty hard to set all that aside and think to yourself - no, I am not a child any more, I'm a grown-up and I wouldn't let someone else talk to me in that way. She is still treating you as a child to be ordered about, isn't she? And it is wrong for her to be doing that.

I don't know if you are familiar with the term 'toxic parents', but there is a whole series of threads on here to support people having problems such as you are experiencing. Try searching for 'Stately Homes' threads, and hopefully that will be of help to you. There is also something called FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) so perhaps you could look online for examples of that and see if anything rings true.

As PP's have said, there's alot more going on here than your food preferences. Your Mum sounds toxic and I'd advise you to work towards moving out as soon as you can. As you're currently working 32 hours/week, could you take on another p-t job to help you save for a deposit?

For the future you could do what my Mum does with the family as she is veggie - she will make one with meat and one with quorn and freeze the extra! Works very well and saves arguments (generally 2/3 meat eaters refusing to eat quorn.) We do this for chilli and curries etc too. No one deserves to be spoken to like that though.

I'd be interested to hear your mum's side of the story.

Can you not cook your own food?

Thank you very much. I'll definitely check them out 😉. Mum still isn't speaking to me. I told her I can't believe she hasn't let the subject go, but she's adamant I'm the baddie.

I think it's gone way beyond that now 😞

How about you shop and cook for her for a week. To her tastes, obviously, just like you were expecting.

But did you ever? I'm not excusing your mum but at the same time cooking every night for someone fussy is soul destroying. If you are out working you should be cooking a few nights a week shouldn't you?

Do your own cooking. My DS lives with me and he's fussy about his food, so he cooks for himself.

As an adult, you don't have to eat anything you do not want to. But also, as an adult, you should be able to cook for yourself and make a plan to move out.

Why live with her, could you live in a House share or be a lodger in someone's house. I moved out at 20 and loved getting my own space.

Why are you still living with her, OP? Unless it’s for a specific reason you need to move out ASAP. Distance yourself from her.