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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

AIBU about feeling upset that my partner's adult daughter wants her dad to come to stay but not me?

147 replies

still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:32

Long back story - we are in our 60s and have been in a relationship for around 9 years. We don't live together (I'm in a city and he lives in the country around 60 miles away). I have plenty of other friends and interests and we enjoy most weekends together.
I'm widowed and have 2 sons who are independent and in happy relationships - they live far away and I see them only briefly a few times a year although we usually talk once a week.

My partner was separated from his wife when we met (I played no part in that) and as she lives abroad she has never really been an issue on a practical basis. His prioritisation of his family has been a constant source of friction between us.
DP has 3 adult children: 2 sons who live about an hour and a half drive away. Eldest son (38) who lives with his girlfriend and who is polite to me but has never made an effort to accept me however noticeably has a more distant relationship with his father and only sees his dad now and then.

Middle son (36) married with 3 kids - there's much more contact with him and the grandchildren and I have always felt very welcomed by him and his family. I don't have any grandchildren myself so I appreciate this although I'm not always included in arrangements.

Daughter (31) who is married and lives abroad. I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine.
We split up at the beginning of last year - DP decided that it was too difficult to deal with my upset over him deciding to prioritise his family over me. I was in shock as it was so unexpected but got on with my life and was just getting myself back together again when he asked if we could restart things. Although initially reluctant he convinced me that he loved me and that he wanted to be in for the long haul. He had started simple divorce proceedings before he had contacted me again and told me that I was definitely part of the family.
I was then invited to go with him to his daughter's house abroad for a week - I only agreed to this as she wasn't there for the first few days and it was all great and even when she returned for the final couple of days she seemed to welcome me back.

Then over Christmas DP was asked to dogsit for his DD and her DH while they went on a belated honeymoon and I was asked to fly out to join him for the final 3 weeks and we had a lovely time before driving back together. His DD and her husband were there for the last few days and again all seemed well.
However the rest of this year has been problematic...in May DP suddenly announced that he was going to stay with his DD for 3 weeks without me as his DD didn't want me there. He refuses to explain what changed or why she is taking this attitude. This was all very awkward and we hardly spoke when he was away. He refuses to discuss anything about it.
Since then we spent a holiday together on a road trip for a week and had a nice time but generally things have been a bit tense overall. His "ex"-wife is being difficult about the terms of the divorce (which I was led to believe was a formality) but he won't tell me any details. And now he is is off to see his DD again for a few days on his own.

I'm being told I am unreasonable to object to this as "family must always come first". Plans are discussed without my knowledge and then presented as done deals. It feels like his DD is the other woman! I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me. I am close to walking away from it all as it is causing me so much stress. I can't see how we can sustain a relationship when his family issues constantly take precedence.

OP posts:
theorangecounty · 02/09/2024 22:37

How did your partner prioritise his family before you split up for the first time?? Sorry I might have missed that part.

TashaTudor · 02/09/2024 22:44

Of course he prioritises his family over a girlfriend he doesn't live with and his children will want to spend time with him because again, you don't live together, you're not their step mum etc you see other most weekends, I'm sorry I think you're being really intense and there's not actually an issue with how he's behaving

Lorelaigilmore88 · 02/09/2024 22:45

How is his daughter 'trying to sabotage her father's relationship'with you? Shes entitled to want to see him on his own. Perhaps she doesn't feel that relaxed around you. If she lives abroad she won't be seeing him that regularly, perhaps she just wants quality time just with him.
Considering all of his kids live far away from him, i don't see how they can be having such a negative impact on your relationship with him.

TheRealSlimShandy · 02/09/2024 22:46

9 years you’ve been together and he’s not divorced?

my guess is that the upset will have something to do with money - you may be unfairly being blamed for something financial to do with the divorce

However generally this doesn’t really sound like a great relationship

Octavia64 · 02/09/2024 22:47

There are a number of possibilities here.

The divorce may have shaken things up. He is probably now in conflict with the "ex" wife. It will almost certainly have caused problems with his family (why can't mum keep the house/the dog/the China).

This is not your fault or your problem but it is likely that they will see the divorce as being driven by you (why get divorced now if he's been separated for a long time) and therefore the conflict as caused by you.

No solutions, and this may not be the case but it seems likely

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2024 22:47

Break up again. It sounds exhausting having all this conflict, mystery and drama. Don’t you want to be with someone who makes you happy, comfortable, at ease, feel wanted?

You were starting to get over him when he dragged you back in and he’s gone back to being all cloak and dagger. He’s even still married to another woman.

Move on.

HaveYouSeenRain · 02/09/2024 22:47

Meh. I live abroad, I want to see my parent without their partner sometjmes. Changes the dynamics completely when partner is with them. I can’t believe he is still not divorced, much bigger red flag here.

Lala87 · 02/09/2024 22:48

It really might be that she just wants to spend some time alone with her dad or him with her? Did he really say 'she doesn't want you to come'? That's a bit silly of him, it was bound to cause friction versus saying we are just spending some one on one time.

I feel like this with my dad and his new partner. My mum died four years ago and granted they've only been together a year but I still don't feel entirely comfortable, not because I don't like her because I do, I just relax more when it's just me and my dad because it's family.

FancyNewt · 02/09/2024 22:49

He's seeing someone else and using his daughter a cover.

Original poster
still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:50

@theorangecounty When we first got together he was a bit nervous of his children knowing that he had jumped into a relationship within months of the marriage finally breaking down - I had been led to believe that it had been on the rocks for years and that they had agreed to part and he came back here leaving the family home abroad. (He rented the property next to me which is how we met.). I had been widowed for a few years and had already had another short relationship so I was conscious that I was further down the road than him and was prepared to accept that at the start.
But even when it was all out in the open there were often occasions when he would decide to do things with them without me being included. This was a particular issue when family stayed with him as usually I would be asked not to join them for the weekend. Partly a logistical issue as his house is so small and there wouldn't be room for us all - he would sleep on the sofa to give his children a bed - but there was a horrible incident when his DS' au pair was invited to stay and I was told to go home as there wasn't room!

OP posts:
SwiftiesVSLestat · 02/09/2024 22:50

So basically, he is going to visit his daughter.

She, for whatever reason, would like to see him on his own. And that’s him prioritising her and her sabotaging the relationship.

Do you really object to him seeing his daughter without you, that much?

Octavia64 · 02/09/2024 22:52

Many men say their marriage has been on the rocks for years.

You say it was only months after the marriage breaking down that you were in a relationship with him.

He's STILL not divorced.

Bet you ten quid his children think he had an affair with you.

Original poster
still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:52

@FancyNewt Haha! Not likely as his DD lives between Switzerland and France and as I have a good relationship with his middle son (also his sister) I know that these trips are genuine. And cheating on me has never ever been a likelihood.

OP posts:
theorangecounty · 02/09/2024 22:53

That last bit about the au pair is quite horrible and I'm sorry that happened. But other than that, I don't honestly understand? He is wanting to see his daughter and maybe she doesn't like you - there is not a lot you can do about that.

Are you happy with him when family is not involved? As in, does he treat you to date nights and do you have a genuine good time together. Because if so, then I don't see an honest issue

TashaTudor · 02/09/2024 22:53

still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:50

@theorangecounty When we first got together he was a bit nervous of his children knowing that he had jumped into a relationship within months of the marriage finally breaking down - I had been led to believe that it had been on the rocks for years and that they had agreed to part and he came back here leaving the family home abroad. (He rented the property next to me which is how we met.). I had been widowed for a few years and had already had another short relationship so I was conscious that I was further down the road than him and was prepared to accept that at the start.
But even when it was all out in the open there were often occasions when he would decide to do things with them without me being included. This was a particular issue when family stayed with him as usually I would be asked not to join them for the weekend. Partly a logistical issue as his house is so small and there wouldn't be room for us all - he would sleep on the sofa to give his children a bed - but there was a horrible incident when his DS' au pair was invited to stay and I was told to go home as there wasn't room!

But you don't live together, obviously you could home. You haven't raised these children or been part of their life so of course you're not as important to them. As far as they're concerned you're their dad's girlfriend who he sees most weekends - that's not exactly sounding like a strong relationship where you'd be family

pikkumyy77 · 02/09/2024 22:54

Dad abandoned mum and took up with a convenient widow next door and has been shagging her for 9 years isn’t the romantic story you think it is.

Dartmoorcheffy · 02/09/2024 22:54

Why did he move away from living so close to you?

Original poster
still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:56

@Octavia64 You lose your 10 quid. Their mother lives in France and kicked him out before we met here. There's no way we could have had an affair and his children know the circumstances of how we met.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/09/2024 22:57

I’d bet my mortgage that this divorce has brought up all sorts of stuff - including the fact that it sounds like you were the ow at worst, a rebound at best.

I go away with my adult kids. My DP - who I live with and ive Been living with for many years - has absolutely no problem with that at all. I don’t know why you’re so bothered.

Octavia64 · 02/09/2024 22:58

still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:56

@Octavia64 You lose your 10 quid. Their mother lives in France and kicked him out before we met here. There's no way we could have had an affair and his children know the circumstances of how we met.

lol

Ok fair play.

I owe you a tenner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2024 22:58

Dartmoorcheffy · 02/09/2024 22:54

Why did he move away from living so close to you?

Good question

Original poster
still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:58

@pikkumyy77 no he didn't abandon her she kicked him out once she got him to buy her her dream house in Provence. She's getting the better deal keeping that big house while he stills pays a mortgage on a wee cottage...

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/09/2024 22:58

You're not her family. She wants to spend time with her dad, and even if she's okay with you, you're still not family. You're his girlfriend who lives nearby and who he's already split up with once.

It seems odd that you resented not being invited to family events even in the early days.

My mum had a long term boyfriend after my dad died. I liked him well enough and was used to him being around when I visited her. But it never occurred to me to invite him when she came to stay with me.
You're not a step mum. She has no reason to see you as family.

NoSquirrels · 02/09/2024 22:59

Why is all this such a bone of contention with you? Why do you have to be invited everywhere he is? And why wouldn’t you go home if you had a bed to sleep in there instead of kicking an au pair out to sleep who knows where?

Original poster
still30inmyhead · 02/09/2024 22:59

@Dartmoorcheffy He was in the process of buying the cottage when we first got together ( he had only been renting next door) - he's much more a country man than a city one.

OP posts: