AIBU about feeling upset that my partner's adult daughter wants her dad to come to stay but not me?

[still30inmyhead]

Long back story - we are in our 60s and have been in a relationship for around 9 years. We don't live together (I'm in a city and he lives in the country around 60 miles away). I have plenty of other friends and interests and we enjoy most weekends together.
I'm widowed and have 2 sons who are independent and in happy relationships - they live far away and I see them only briefly a few times a year although we usually talk once a week.

My partner was separated from his wife when we met (I played no part in that) and as she lives abroad she has never really been an issue on a practical basis. His prioritisation of his family has been a constant source of friction between us.
DP has 3 adult children: 2 sons who live about an hour and a half drive away. Eldest son (38) who lives with his girlfriend and who is polite to me but has never made an effort to accept me however noticeably has a more distant relationship with his father and only sees his dad now and then.

Middle son (36) married with 3 kids - there's much more contact with him and the grandchildren and I have always felt very welcomed by him and his family. I don't have any grandchildren myself so I appreciate this although I'm not always included in arrangements.

Daughter (31) who is married and lives abroad. I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine.
We split up at the beginning of last year - DP decided that it was too difficult to deal with my upset over him deciding to prioritise his family over me. I was in shock as it was so unexpected but got on with my life and was just getting myself back together again when he asked if we could restart things. Although initially reluctant he convinced me that he loved me and that he wanted to be in for the long haul. He had started simple divorce proceedings before he had contacted me again and told me that I was definitely part of the family.
I was then invited to go with him to his daughter's house abroad for a week - I only agreed to this as she wasn't there for the first few days and it was all great and even when she returned for the final couple of days she seemed to welcome me back.

Then over Christmas DP was asked to dogsit for his DD and her DH while they went on a belated honeymoon and I was asked to fly out to join him for the final 3 weeks and we had a lovely time before driving back together. His DD and her husband were there for the last few days and again all seemed well.
However the rest of this year has been problematic...in May DP suddenly announced that he was going to stay with his DD for 3 weeks without me as his DD didn't want me there. He refuses to explain what changed or why she is taking this attitude. This was all very awkward and we hardly spoke when he was away. He refuses to discuss anything about it.
Since then we spent a holiday together on a road trip for a week and had a nice time but generally things have been a bit tense overall. His "ex"-wife is being difficult about the terms of the divorce (which I was led to believe was a formality) but he won't tell me any details. And now he is is off to see his DD again for a few days on his own.

I'm being told I am unreasonable to object to this as "family must always come first". Plans are discussed without my knowledge and then presented as done deals. It feels like his DD is the other woman! I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me. I am close to walking away from it all as it is causing me so much stress. I can't see how we can sustain a relationship when his family issues constantly take precedence.

If you think so poorly of his wife perhaps this is why the daughter isn’t eager to treat you like a new mother?

I've never expressed any opinion on her mother - either to my DP or his DD. I have never met her and have been very careful not to make any comments on their past together.
And I'm not trying to be her new mother. But I would appreciate some respect as her father's chosen partner.

I didn’t like my dads new partner and he came to visit me on his own. If I went visit him I stayed at his house and asked before I went if she’d be there as I really didn’t want to spend time with her. I was happy to stay in a hotel but there was no way I was staying under the same roof as that woman. My dad was mid sixties at the time and as an adult I can choose who I spend time with. I didn’t like her after she spent a few days in my house and tried to dominate his time when he’d come to spend time with his grandchildren and his daughter. The full visit was a nightmare for me. Going forward I chose not to have a repeat of that visit. You don’t need to be included in every visit he has with his children.

You don’t get respect unless you earn it. I had zero respect for my dads new girlfriend, he could do what he wanted but I didn’t want to spend time with her.

It doesn't sound like he's prioritising you or your relationship. It would also seem that the daughter is jealous of the relationship for some unknown reason, possibly to do with the divorce. I'd be inclined to let him go, this seems like a lot of unnecessary drama.

Chosen partner or weekend girlfriend? It doesn't sound like a solid relationship and I think it's bizarre that even though you don't see him that often you still want to be invited to his family get togethers

Actually you don’t know that is what happened he is not telling you being secretive and is going away for 3 weeks without you
I would say your relationship is in the final stages and he is pulling away and using his daughter as an excuse

In principle I don't have an issue with him spending time with his children without me. His son with the grandchildren has always noticeably welcomed me but I accept that he needs to have time with his dad on his own.
I have children myself and know that it is sometimes important to spend one on one time with them individually. The difference is that my sons are not around much and don't call on me in the same way. They are respectful and welcoming to my DP and have an adult relationship with him as another male in their life without treating him like a stepfather (which he isn't ). They seem to appreciate that DP is in my life.
I just don't understand why his DD seemed perfectly happy for me to come to stay last autumn and then at the beginning of the year but no longer...

I can understand him wanting to maintain good relationships with his adult children, but I find the way he's gone all 'I'm not going to talk about it' to you more concerning.
If something isn't working for you, I think you're better off ending the relationship. Is it really worth the stress.

I think that you made a mistake reuniting and should break up - aren’t you sick of the having the same disagreements over and over ?

He’s not wrong to prioritise his daughter but he was wrong to tell you that you are his family when his actions say otherwise.

It'll be the divorce.

Dh's aunt went through the same thing except her and her partner had been together for even longer than you and living together for 10 years. ExW was catholic and vehemently against divorce and devastated when partner finally instigated it.

Adult children of partner completely cut off all contact with her as their mum saw it as betrayal otherwise.

I agree with other posters that there is nothing wrong with your partner and is daughter wanting to spend time together without you, especially as you and he don't even live together. That sounds like a living arrangement between two people who want to respect each others independence and separate commitments.

It also seems natural for him to 'prioritise his family', although you don't give much detail about what that means in practice.

My dad became involved with another woman when I was already an adult ( and after he had separated from my mum). I didn't especially like her, and since I was no longer a child I didn't really feel any need to become close with her.

I was welcoming when she visited (as your daughter has been on a couple of occasions when you have been in her home for short periods) but I certainly wouldn't have wanted her as a house guest for three weeks!

Well, I can see its complicated. But his adult daughter is perfectly entitled to stop wanting to extend hospitality to you. Maybe she thought it was ok last time but doesn’t choose to include you now. There could be many reasons for that which have all come up here.

1. the divorce
2. her relationship with her mother
3. family finances
4. feelings about your break up/reunion with the father
5. his choice not to include you.

I don’t see anything wrong with a father visiting their adult children.

if you were married and lived together then that would be different but by the sound of it you lead very separate lives so I wouldn’t expect you to be invited on a trip to visit family.

I can understand why you’re miffed but equally as a pp explained, partners do change the dynamic. Not the same but one of my friends who lives in a different city and we only get together once a year, brings her DH to our get together. I like him but I’d like for it just to be us ladies. My DH doesn’t come, neither do any of the rest of our friendship groups partners. 3 weeks is a long time and I wouldn’t like to spend 3 weeks with anyone other than my DH and kids.

I wouldn’t take it personally. I’m sure his DD likes you but it’s ok for her to want to spend time with her dad alone.

I actively tell my DH to go to his DMs alone so they can have some quality time together without me. He gets a bit miffed but I appreciate that she might want to just see him at times, though wouldn’t say that to him. I like MIL, she’s lovely but I can’t be arsed being sociable at times

His family is his family. You are just current squeeze. Not even living together. And he is still married!

Why on Earth would his children be interested in building a relationship with such a transitory person as you?

My mother has been married 3 times since I became an adult. I have literally zero interest in any of them.

You sound uninvolved with your own kids and jealous of his.

So basically all the replies are telling me that IABU in expressing my distress over this?
On a practical basis his marital situation was not really an issue (there are other reasons why I don't feel a need to remarry) and the divorce is a formality and as much to protect her position with the house in France where she has lived for the past 9 years.

We don't live "separate lives" but have independent interests and don't live together for practical (and financial) reasons. We share a lot of mutual interests and values and enjoy days/nights out and get along well on holiday.
When he begged me to restart our relationship he promised that I was to be included in his family and offered the trips to his DD's house as proof of that - so the change in his DD's attitude is the surprise change in all of this.

He will have spent over 5 weeks this year staying with her and only one week on holiday with me because he can't afford to - in the past we would go for a couple of longish holidays and several weekends away together.
For the record I wouldn't have wanted to spend 3 weeks staying with anyone - not even my own children! - and had suggested a compromise of me only joining for a short time and then the two of us adding on a few days holiday on our own but this wasn't acceptable either. I actually went on a solo city break during this time to give myself a treat.
My friends IRL who know me (and like him and were all upset when we broke up last year) don't think IABU.

Its not a question of BU or NBU. You feel the way you feel about it. Thats fine. But what you seem to be missing is that he is simply not the wealthy playmate you need him to be. He doesn’t have the resources to holiday with you the way you want. He spends time guesting with his daughter and can’t also travel with you whether for financial or work related reasons. You are really at different stages.

Ouch!
I'm hardly transitory - I've been a big part of his life for the past 9 years. He has supported me through serious illness and we lived together during the Covid lockdowns.
"Uninvolved with my kids"!!! I brought them up almost as a single parent as their father was sadly an alcoholic and am fiercely proud of my two successful independent boys. I am not enmeshed with them and am allowing them to live their own lives. I wish I could see them more often but that's just not possible (one of them is in the US).
I think DP is a wonderful father to his children.

My guess is for whatever reason he doesn’t want you to go, but is saying it’s his daughter who’s the one saying it - have you heard it directly from her?

This doesn’t sounds like a great relationship anyway, why are you putting yourself through this?

9 years is a long time for him to dither. I think this relationship has run its course but he is reluctant to give it up.

No matter how much I liked my dad’s girlfriend, if I had already hosted her for a few days twice in, what, 18 months? I might also feel reluctant to host her again, especially for 3 weeks. I might have things I wanted to talk only to my dad about - health issues, retirement plans, powers of attorney etc. I might be having marital or personal troubles of my own that I don’t want to share with someone who isn’t really in my life.

If your issue is that him going for three weeks means he can’t have a week with you, discuss that balance with him. But don’t blame his DD for wanting some time with her dad.

Not sure you can call it dithering. There's never been any pressure from me to remarry. He was the one who broke up with me last year and I blanked him for months while I picked up the pieces. He is very conscious that he was the one who approached me again - he realised how inconsiderate and foolish he had been and how much he had missed. When it's just the two of us we have a great time.
But I can't see how this is sustainable long-term - what if we did live together? Where do I go if he wants his children to visit and it's my house too?

I would call breaking up with you and then begging to get back together dithering, yes.

Look: he is definitely sending mixed signals. That is because this os , or has been, a wonderful, unique, enjoyable, fill in relationship for two mature, busy, people. At one point, during Covid, it even jumped up in intensity to something much more quasi permanent feeling. But for 9 years it has been just “something something” on the side, neither fish nor fowl nor good red herring. That has been fine, in a way, though you literally broke up over its not fineness. And he clearly misses you when he is in the UK. But he does not envision marrying you or centering you as his partner in everything. Thats clear. If you want that you need to have that conversation with him and lay it all on the line.

I just don't understand why his DD seemed perfectly happy for me to come to stay last autumn and then at the beginning of the year but no longer...

Is it so hard to understand? She was happy to accept your visit, happy to accept your visit again, but doesn't want you to tag along every single time that her father visits her.

Yes I get that - and as I previously said I wouldn't want to stay with her (or anyone) for 3 weeks - but something has been said and I'm not being told what.

After our visit at the beginning of the year (we stayed in their house for a month but they were away for most of that time ) she was across here visiting twice in the spring before her dad went to visit her in June - I didn't see her the first time and only briefly the second time as there were other members of the family there.
How do I behave towards her the next time we meet when I feel that I've offended her in some way but I don't understand how?