AIBU about feeling upset that my partner's adult daughter wants her dad to come to stay but not me?

[still30inmyhead]

Long back story - we are in our 60s and have been in a relationship for around 9 years. We don't live together (I'm in a city and he lives in the country around 60 miles away). I have plenty of other friends and interests and we enjoy most weekends together.
I'm widowed and have 2 sons who are independent and in happy relationships - they live far away and I see them only briefly a few times a year although we usually talk once a week.

My partner was separated from his wife when we met (I played no part in that) and as she lives abroad she has never really been an issue on a practical basis. His prioritisation of his family has been a constant source of friction between us.
DP has 3 adult children: 2 sons who live about an hour and a half drive away. Eldest son (38) who lives with his girlfriend and who is polite to me but has never made an effort to accept me however noticeably has a more distant relationship with his father and only sees his dad now and then.

Middle son (36) married with 3 kids - there's much more contact with him and the grandchildren and I have always felt very welcomed by him and his family. I don't have any grandchildren myself so I appreciate this although I'm not always included in arrangements.

Daughter (31) who is married and lives abroad. I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine.
We split up at the beginning of last year - DP decided that it was too difficult to deal with my upset over him deciding to prioritise his family over me. I was in shock as it was so unexpected but got on with my life and was just getting myself back together again when he asked if we could restart things. Although initially reluctant he convinced me that he loved me and that he wanted to be in for the long haul. He had started simple divorce proceedings before he had contacted me again and told me that I was definitely part of the family.
I was then invited to go with him to his daughter's house abroad for a week - I only agreed to this as she wasn't there for the first few days and it was all great and even when she returned for the final couple of days she seemed to welcome me back.

Then over Christmas DP was asked to dogsit for his DD and her DH while they went on a belated honeymoon and I was asked to fly out to join him for the final 3 weeks and we had a lovely time before driving back together. His DD and her husband were there for the last few days and again all seemed well.
However the rest of this year has been problematic...in May DP suddenly announced that he was going to stay with his DD for 3 weeks without me as his DD didn't want me there. He refuses to explain what changed or why she is taking this attitude. This was all very awkward and we hardly spoke when he was away. He refuses to discuss anything about it.
Since then we spent a holiday together on a road trip for a week and had a nice time but generally things have been a bit tense overall. His "ex"-wife is being difficult about the terms of the divorce (which I was led to believe was a formality) but he won't tell me any details. And now he is is off to see his DD again for a few days on his own.

I'm being told I am unreasonable to object to this as "family must always come first". Plans are discussed without my knowledge and then presented as done deals. It feels like his DD is the other woman! I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me. I am close to walking away from it all as it is causing me so much stress. I can't see how we can sustain a relationship when his family issues constantly take precedence.

YABU
You have her dad day in and day out. You’ve only been in his life for 9 years, from when she was 22 so you didn’t raise her so don’t have a stepmother relationship with her. She’s included you on a visit for 3 weeks.

Why cant she have her dad to herself for 3 weeks when you have him for over 40 weeks a year?!

He isn’t prioritising his family over you at all. That was a batshit reason to break up with him for awhile as it is clear that you think unless you get 100%, he’s not prioritising you. How is 6% to DD and 94% of the year to you not prioritising you?! Yes it is! Stop being so greedy and hogging him. He was a dad before he was your DH, he has a right to have Daddy & Daughter time without you.

That's a dramatic take. I don't have him 90% 24/7. Where did I say that he should never spend any time with his children without me? Quite the opposite.
She's a married woman now so perhaps her need for "Daddy time" might have lessened?

Can I come and stay with you for 3 weeks, @still30inmyhead ?

No? Why not, have I offended you?

Oh, no, it’s just cos you hardly know me. Makes sense.

Having your dad visit is having family visit. Maybe you don’t tidy up for hours, or tell him to stick some toast on if he’s hungry, or say that no, he can’t watch his gardening show cos you’re watching Grey’s Anatomy.

Having your dad’s girlfriend might feel a lot more like having a guest - proper cooking and bright conversation and recommending day trips etc.

Not sure you are following...I have known her for over 8 years. She used to live here before she moved abroad and stayed with her father for several months on end while she was between jobs and I spent time with her regularly. I thought we had a perfectly good relationship - I never tried to be a "stepmum" as such. There was nothing in her manner last year to make me think that she didn't welcome me. I certainly wasn't insisting on staying for the whole 3 weeks but I was surprised to be told that I couldn't come at all.

I am following and I know you have known her for a while. I am simply saying that her wanting to spend time with her dad is not about you, but about her hardly knowing you relative to her knowing him.

However, given your snide remark about married women and Daddy time, perhaps it is about you.

And I get that - I understand that dynamics are different. As I said I wouldn't want to impose myself on anyone. I've always been mindful to let them have time together and make myself absent for a while.
She certainly doesn't cook however - her dad does that!

Yeah she only wants 3 weeks out of 52 weeks. That’s a lot less than the 49 weeks you’re getting and you’re an adult woman too.

A husband is not a substitute father btw, how odd you put in ‘married’

“I've always been mindful to let them have time together and make myself absent for a while.”

Not really the same.

Anyway, I think you’ve got a pretty universal YABU, but I doubt you will change your mind. Good luck with it all.

My elderly dad can’t travel now so I visit him instead-my DH isn’t invited most of the time! I would just let him get on with the visit. As PP’s have said, I imagine that the divorce has caused some family ructions so perhaps it’s prudent for you to keep your distance right now?

Look after yourself and perhaps arrange to visit your children independently and/or do something nice for yourself without your DP. 💐

That's my betting.

My late husband left his first wife after she spent the night with a work colleague. That was not the narrative that she spun.

@SheilaFentiman I think we'll have to agree to disagree about what is reasonable about relationships between parents and adult children when they marry or enter into longterm partnerships.

I would always expect my sons in the first instance to turn towards their girlfriends rather than to me for support. I am always here to listen but I trust that I have brought them up well enough to make decisions that are right for them in their adulthood.
My friends IRL have the same attitude towards their adult children
I don't see enmeshment as necessary or healthy - I have experience of this within my own extended family.

About 6 yrs after DH and I were married, I told him that I was happy for him to go visit his adult children without me. (I was still working, so couldn't go during term time. Prior to that, DH was also restricted to school holidays.)

He refused to go without me.

His ex and her boyfriend used to go visit the kids during the school holidays. We were fairly certain that she was doing that deliberately so that I couldn't visit: she and her boyfriend had both taken early retirement from teaching, so could go any time they wanted.

No, it wasn't just me...DH's DIL described the ex as "jealous and controlling": she had problems with her all through her relationship with the son.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place, OP. The only answer is to let your man go by himself...but the fact that he's not even protesting would make me wonder. That and the fact that he's not yet divorced.

You're dating a married man, albeit he's separated. He's been naïve over thinking the divorce was a formality. What makes you think you have a right to know the ins and outs of everything though? It's his own personal business, fair enough if he doesn't want to discuss it.

Ditto his holiday with DD and discussion about why you're not invited to visit this time. I would have thought this was obvious - she wants quality time with her DF. Having you there changes that dynamic. A bit like when someone brings their partner to a girls night out. 3 weeks is also a very long time to host anyone, however much you love them. Bluntly, you're her DFs girlfriend, she doesn't love you and nor does she have to. It's totally understandable she doesn't want to host you for 3 weeks. She's polite to you and you get on, she's happy to host you for a few days at a time occasionally, that's as much as you can reasonably expect.

It's not even like this is his only holiday this year. He went on holiday with you for a week. Being "part of the family" doesn't mean being in the thick of everything or that family members can't socialise without you. You clearly have been welcomed into the family by all of them. What do you want? The moon on a stick? The world to revolve around you? Newsflash, it doesn't. And that's ok. Or it should be, if you were an emotionally healthy individual.

You're a drama llama OP. YABVU. There's literally nothing to get upset about. No wonder he's shutting down those comversations and doesn't want to deal with it. Very sensible of him. It's not his problem, he's not responsible for your emotions or for "fixing" them by cowtowing to what you want to happen. Your boyfriend has strong boundaries and you don't like that. It's a "you" problem. You're not as independent as you think.

I think he's carrying stories x
I think he's the reason you are not going x

think we'll have to agree to disagree about what is reasonable about relationships between parents and adult children when they marry or enter into longterm partnerships.

This is the crux of it. You're elevating your status as some kind of central matriarch figure who rules the roost. Except they all see the truth - you're a live-out girlfriend of a married man, unrelated to them and not the centre of anything (nor should you be). You're going to destroy perfectly good relationships with all these people just because you can't get your own way. No doubt you'll then play the victim about how it's all their fault and you're so hard done by. I mean, you've already started...

Thanks for this. Yes of course he will go and I can't stop him. And you're right that it's bothering me that he isn't pushing to include me. But I can't make her want me to come and I wouldn't want to feel so unwelcome!

As for the divorce, if you knew all the circumstances you would understand that it is a surprise to DP that there was any pushback from the ex. She was married once before briefly so I wonder if there is an issue there - although I also know that she has had some relationships herself since the split.
I've heard that she has involved the older son and the daughter in the discussions and DP isn't happy with that. The DD now lives 30 minutes away from her mother so there is likely to be some pressure there. His other DS who is friendly to me has told me that he wishes they could get it all sorted without lawyers.

You seem unable to accept that others think differently to you. It’s not for you to say if it’s reasonable for your partner to have 3 weeks away, or if it’s reasonable for his DD to not want you there. All you need to do is accept it and be respectful and give everyone the space they want. Demanding you spend time with people when they don’t want you around is bizarre and suffocating.

I don't see enmeshment as necessary or healthy

This we can agree on.

The DD wanting 3 weeks a year one on one with her father isn’t enmeshment.
You refusing him one on one holidays with everyone other than you is insisting on enmeshment with him.

It’s not healthy. It’s not necessary.

You're better with lawyers. DH agreed to be "civilised" and do without lawyers...He also agreed to let a friend of the ex value the former family home. Mistake. (She bought him out and kept the house. He got just over half of what he should have done.)

I'm possibly projecting here, but you may have a scenario where the ex is happy to have her freedom, but wants to keep your partner on a string. She might have told the kids that you're the only barrier to a reconciliation.

My husband's ex is currently with Partner No 4. Nevertheless, when my husband of 27 yrs died, I had the DIL telling me that the ex was "devastated".

On the one hand, there are the shared memories - of course there are - but some separated or divorced people seem to expect their ex to be there as a safety net for them at all times. This might be what's happening in your situation, so far as your partner's ex is concerned.

So basically all the replies are telling me that IABU in expressing my distress over this?

Yes because once is expressing your distress. Repeatedly, which is what it undoubtedly is if there's an atmosphere (or else your "expression" takes the form of sulking and creating the atmosphere) is haranguing him. "Expressing your distress" repeatedly until the other person gives in and does what you want is manipulation and coercive control.

You should be expressing it to a therapist and working through why you're so distressed at this situation that really doesn't warrant it in the first place.

You are emotionally enmeshed with your partner! He is still, at the least, financially enmeshed with his STB Ex-wife. The whole things is a mess and I am not surprised the daughter wants a break from you.

My friends IRL who know me (and like him and were all upset when we broke up last year) don't think IABU.

They're upset that you and a live-out boyfriend split up? He wasn't their boyfriend. Pay no heed to their opinion. They're batshit.

How do I behave towards her the next time we meet when I feel that I've offended her in some way but I don't understand how?

This is such a non-question. Friendly, politely, civilly. Like you always did before.

You're not responsible for her emotions. If she feels offended don't let it trouble you. You don't actually know that she even is offended. That's just your interpretation of events because she doesn't want you to visit this time.

It doesn't matter who said what to whom. Nobody said it to you, so it's nothing to do with you. Why do you think you're owed details about a conversation your boyfriend had with his DD? You're not.

If she's offended and chooses to raise that with you, that's your time to have a discussion about it with her. Don't be surprised if that time never comes though. Either because she isn't offended or because she is but doesn't want to talk to you about it.

How on earth was the op 'dragged back' they are responsible for their own thinking

Grown ups should take responsibility for their own actions

The op is acting like a drama queen

Are you sure it's the DD that doesn't want you there?

He's refusing to talk about what's happening with his divorce and with his DD. Is it possible there's something going on that he doesn't want you to hear about and is trying to keep you away from his DD because she's closer to her mum than his DSs are and is more invested/in the know/in her mum's side?

Regardless, he hasn't delivered on his promise from when you got back together. And your only power here is to break up. If he won't talk and you don't like it, your options are to put up or leave.