AIBU about feeling upset that my partner's adult daughter wants her dad to come to stay but not me?

[still30inmyhead]

Long back story - we are in our 60s and have been in a relationship for around 9 years. We don't live together (I'm in a city and he lives in the country around 60 miles away). I have plenty of other friends and interests and we enjoy most weekends together.
I'm widowed and have 2 sons who are independent and in happy relationships - they live far away and I see them only briefly a few times a year although we usually talk once a week.

My partner was separated from his wife when we met (I played no part in that) and as she lives abroad she has never really been an issue on a practical basis. His prioritisation of his family has been a constant source of friction between us.
DP has 3 adult children: 2 sons who live about an hour and a half drive away. Eldest son (38) who lives with his girlfriend and who is polite to me but has never made an effort to accept me however noticeably has a more distant relationship with his father and only sees his dad now and then.

Middle son (36) married with 3 kids - there's much more contact with him and the grandchildren and I have always felt very welcomed by him and his family. I don't have any grandchildren myself so I appreciate this although I'm not always included in arrangements.

Daughter (31) who is married and lives abroad. I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine.
We split up at the beginning of last year - DP decided that it was too difficult to deal with my upset over him deciding to prioritise his family over me. I was in shock as it was so unexpected but got on with my life and was just getting myself back together again when he asked if we could restart things. Although initially reluctant he convinced me that he loved me and that he wanted to be in for the long haul. He had started simple divorce proceedings before he had contacted me again and told me that I was definitely part of the family.
I was then invited to go with him to his daughter's house abroad for a week - I only agreed to this as she wasn't there for the first few days and it was all great and even when she returned for the final couple of days she seemed to welcome me back.

Then over Christmas DP was asked to dogsit for his DD and her DH while they went on a belated honeymoon and I was asked to fly out to join him for the final 3 weeks and we had a lovely time before driving back together. His DD and her husband were there for the last few days and again all seemed well.
However the rest of this year has been problematic...in May DP suddenly announced that he was going to stay with his DD for 3 weeks without me as his DD didn't want me there. He refuses to explain what changed or why she is taking this attitude. This was all very awkward and we hardly spoke when he was away. He refuses to discuss anything about it.
Since then we spent a holiday together on a road trip for a week and had a nice time but generally things have been a bit tense overall. His "ex"-wife is being difficult about the terms of the divorce (which I was led to believe was a formality) but he won't tell me any details. And now he is is off to see his DD again for a few days on his own.

I'm being told I am unreasonable to object to this as "family must always come first". Plans are discussed without my knowledge and then presented as done deals. It feels like his DD is the other woman! I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me. I am close to walking away from it all as it is causing me so much stress. I can't see how we can sustain a relationship when his family issues constantly take precedence.

OP, in the nicest possible way, it sounds like in this screenplay yours is a secondary character role that keeps trying to get into the spotlight and be a headliner at key moments.
You kind of need to step down your sense of self importance here and accept that you’re a bit part in this dynamic, a support act and nothing more, and certainly not the leading lady you seem to think you are entitled to.

We don't live "separate lives"
You live 60 miles apart and see each other at weekends

When he begged me to restart our relationship he promised that I was to be included in his family and offered the trips to his DD's house as proof of that - so the change in his DD's attitude is the surprise change in all of this.

I wonder if he discussed this with his daughter first, or just conveniently 'forgot' and thought she would be OK with it?

My FIL is married to a woman who, for reasons too complicated and personal to go on about here, has proved to be quite unpopular with the dcs and dgcs. Her presence at every family occasion puts a strain on things because FIL seems to act differently when she’s around, most notably (and to put it bluntly) he seems to lose his sense of humour and turn into a bit of a simp. They split up for a while and everyone appreciated how nice it was to have him ‘back’ again. Anyway, it’s his life and we all try to get on for his sake however the effect of having a new family member that doesn’t get all the in jokes or share the memories, along with a sense of sadness for the loss of my MIL and unease over certain aspects of FIL’s wife and her ways does make get togethers feel different. I really don’t blame your partner’s dd for wanting time with just her dad.

You seem to expect that the way you view relationships with adult children is the best and only way. You’ve got a bee in your bonnet that for 9 years he hasn’t ’prioritised’ you - so much so that you split up over it. But nothing you’ve said so far sounds particularly outrageous.

He won’t change. So split up if it is this upsetting to you. It’s the only right and fair thing for everyone.

You don’t live with him. You didn’t have any involvement in raising the children as they were adults when you met. You are nothing to them other than their father’s girlfriend. If I was the daughter I’d assume the relationship wasn’t that strong, as you don’t live together. You’re not wrong with your expectations, but neither is he. As you both have different priorities and expectations, unless there’s a compromise, then the relationship is going nowhere. You say you don’t have a close relationship with your own dcs, so maybe there’s resentment creeping in that he does, and the ‘sabotage’ you’re accusing his dd of is in fact something you’re trying to do with his relationships with his dcs.

Sorry but you're involving yourself too much. How would you feel if his daughter wanted to join all of your time with her father? It's awkward and changes the dynamic, it's not personal.

Do you think if you become part of the family and are with him all the time, it will mean your relationship is more serious/committed?

They needed space for the aupair and you had your own place you could go to. This was such a non issue and indeed surely the solution should have come from you.

I thought this too. Where did you expect the au pair to sleep? It sounds like you're making a hierarchy of it - like you're offended at being placed below the au pair somehow, when it's purely a practical matter. You had a home to go to. The au pair needed to sleep in the house. There was space when you left. It's not like you live there and had to move out.

I would be more concerned about why you don't want to live with this current boyfriend. Or if you do want to live with him, why doesn't he want to live with you?

I think you will find you aren't the great feature in his life you think you are and when he visits his daughter is he also visiting his current wife, as they both live in France at least some of the time. Is that why your boyfriend doesn't want you there?

If he wanted you to go with him, you'd be going with him.

He doesn't.

Why are you putting so much drama into a guy you see at weekends? He's not going to pick you over his family and he shouldn't. There are many, many, many more men out there. You need to find one more suited to your priorities.

Well, from my point of view a relationship is all about good, honest communication between 2 people.
The fact that something has happened/changed and your partner is refusing to talk to you about it to explain what the issue is would ring out alarm bells for me.
He knows you're upset and is doing nothing to put your mind at rest.
Sadly, I think the relationship has run its course & you'd be better off by yourself.

He told you his family is his priority. Believe him.

He should be able to discuss the issue with you and explain why she doesn't want you there. Aside from that, I think you have to step back and stop thinking you have a right to be a guest in someone else's home. He might have promised you'd be a part of the family, but that's not exactly within his control anyway - my dad has had a partner for more than 30 years and they live together and I still don't class her as my family. To be honest, I prefer to see him on his own. Plus having a house guest is intense if it's not someone you can completely be yourself around. Why do you even want to be so involved? I suspect his children don't particularly see you as a serious partner, rightly or wrongly. Also, you can't be sure he is telling the truth about the situation. However, the fact that you both can't talk about it is a problem.

I think you are focussing on the wrong person - you want her to treat you like his chosen partner but you aren't. A partner shares his life - he doesn't. So she's take her cue from him!
The making arrangements and presenting you with a fait accompli - that's him. Refusing to discuss things a partner has a right to know - that's him. Failure to divorce for 9 years - again, that's on him.

I'm sorry to say but you are convenient, you aren't a partner. He wanted you back because he was a bit lonely when his kids were busy elsewhere. His actions have done nothing to show you are important to him. His daughter is just following his lead.

I often think, and often have it confirmed on mn, that people who are very concerned and demanding about being respected, very rarely deserve it. And it often comes from a place of insecurity.

I have absolutely no interest in my DP’s DC “respecting” me.

The DD was okay with you visiting the other two times, but she doesn't want to share her dad with you every time he visits.

You're determined to think that you've done something wrong, but you probably haven't. You're just not a priority in her life. After the last two trips, this time she just wants some quality time with her dad. And that's absolutely fine and reasonable.

Actually your relationship pretty much mirrors my mum's, after my dad died. She and her bloke used to just see each other at weekends, alternating which house they went to. He and she both had adult children who lived a distance away.

If we went to to see my mum and he was there, it was fine, and likewise his kids used to visit him when mum was there. All was amicable and pleasant. But it was rare for either to accompany the other when they visited their own children.

If OP is as difficult as she appears on this thread, he's doing the sensible thing.

Imagine if someone came on here saying they'd explained to their weekend-girlfriend that she couldn't come on a family holiday but that they couldn't get her to understand and accept it, asking what they should do.

That person would be told they don't have to get her to understand or accept it, that's not their job, the girlfriend is responsible for her own emotions and they don't have to justify their decision not to invite her, that they're not BU and not to get drawn into endless "conversation/discussion" (haranguing/bullying) about it by their controlling girlfriend. They'd be told to maintain strong boundaries and that No is a complete sentence.

I'm willing to bet this is the situation here. Whatever he says to OP, she's going to kick off regardless. Because whatever the reason, it isn't valid in her eyes. Only getting her own way at all times is valid in her eyes and if she can't, then it's because someone else is BU. It's never her fault, she's never the U one in her eyes (even though it's blatantly obvious to everyone else that she is). He's shutting down the conversation because otherwise the only way it'll end is if he gives in to her and invites her.

Why can't you just have a relationship that doesn't nvolve any adult children?

He pops off to see his children who welcome him.

You can't or don't want to be as involved in your children's lives.

Maybe his daughter just feels much more comfortable without you there.

I prefer seeing my dad without his wife, granted it's easier as it's a 30 minute drive and we can for lunch/a walk together. Totally different dynamic to seeing them as a couple and it doesn't mean I'm trying to sabotage them. I just like spending time with my dad!

Is there some massive back story here? Why do you think the daughter is enmeshed? From what you’ve written so far your partner just wants to visit his daughter who lives ABROAD. It’s not unusual (and there’s nothing weird about) people staying for a few weeks when visiting adult children who live abroad.
I don’t live in the same country as my mum. She separated from my dad when I was in my late 20’s and has lived with her current partner for well over 15 years. Her partner is a nice guy, but I wouldn’t want him to tag along every time my mum visits. And yes, my mum stays for longer periods. And no, there is absolutely no enmeshment. I don’t regard her partner as family, if they wern’t living together I totally wouldn’t regard him as family. That doesn’t mean I’m not kind to him, I am.

I get the sense that you would like to be viewed as a unit, also by his kids. That’s never going to happen. You’re not family so they’ll never see you as a unit. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like you or won’t invite you. It’s just there will also be times when the invite is for their dad alone. You have to respect that. You also have to respect that family is very important for him. And accept that he means his children are very important for him.

I’m about the same age as his daughter. If my dad had a girlfriend who he didn’t live with and only came into my life when I was already an adult I would be welcoming and civil but no I probably wouldn’t think of her as “family” and I would hope and expect to be able to spend time with my dad alone without this women always there. It sounds like she’s been civil to you and hasn’t really done anything wrong she just wants to spend some time with her dad without you because regardless of what you think your presence will undoubtedly change the dynamic. I really don’t know why you’re so upset by this. She lives in another country and your partner goes to see her a few times a year. Why can’t you just plan to do things with your family or friends when he’s away wish him a good time and see him when he gets back?

My mil had a partner who she insisted on bringing with her virtually every time she visited - it was annoying tbh. He wasn't our family, we didn't know him. And it changed the dynamic, having someone there who isn't family.

Could you have pissed the DD off when you last went over to her house? Maybe you were too intense, or territorial over her dad?

It sounds like something has changed.

Does she have any idea how you feel about her being "prioritised"? He's right to prioritise his DD and DGD over a girlfriend either way.

Yes exactly.

I don’t think his dd is trying to sabotage your relationship. Much more likely that she simply wants to spend time with her dad without his girlfriend being present. I don’t understand why this is a problem for you.
Do you want him to say he isn’t going to visit unless you are invited too? Because that doesn’t benefit anyone. He either doesn’t get to see his dd, or you end up tagging along knowing that his dd didn’t really want you there.
None of his dc’s are under any obligation to treat you like family.