AIBU about feeling upset that my partner's adult daughter wants her dad to come to stay but not me?

[still30inmyhead]

Long back story - we are in our 60s and have been in a relationship for around 9 years. We don't live together (I'm in a city and he lives in the country around 60 miles away). I have plenty of other friends and interests and we enjoy most weekends together.
I'm widowed and have 2 sons who are independent and in happy relationships - they live far away and I see them only briefly a few times a year although we usually talk once a week.

My partner was separated from his wife when we met (I played no part in that) and as she lives abroad she has never really been an issue on a practical basis. His prioritisation of his family has been a constant source of friction between us.
DP has 3 adult children: 2 sons who live about an hour and a half drive away. Eldest son (38) who lives with his girlfriend and who is polite to me but has never made an effort to accept me however noticeably has a more distant relationship with his father and only sees his dad now and then.

Middle son (36) married with 3 kids - there's much more contact with him and the grandchildren and I have always felt very welcomed by him and his family. I don't have any grandchildren myself so I appreciate this although I'm not always included in arrangements.

Daughter (31) who is married and lives abroad. I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine.
We split up at the beginning of last year - DP decided that it was too difficult to deal with my upset over him deciding to prioritise his family over me. I was in shock as it was so unexpected but got on with my life and was just getting myself back together again when he asked if we could restart things. Although initially reluctant he convinced me that he loved me and that he wanted to be in for the long haul. He had started simple divorce proceedings before he had contacted me again and told me that I was definitely part of the family.
I was then invited to go with him to his daughter's house abroad for a week - I only agreed to this as she wasn't there for the first few days and it was all great and even when she returned for the final couple of days she seemed to welcome me back.

Then over Christmas DP was asked to dogsit for his DD and her DH while they went on a belated honeymoon and I was asked to fly out to join him for the final 3 weeks and we had a lovely time before driving back together. His DD and her husband were there for the last few days and again all seemed well.
However the rest of this year has been problematic...in May DP suddenly announced that he was going to stay with his DD for 3 weeks without me as his DD didn't want me there. He refuses to explain what changed or why she is taking this attitude. This was all very awkward and we hardly spoke when he was away. He refuses to discuss anything about it.
Since then we spent a holiday together on a road trip for a week and had a nice time but generally things have been a bit tense overall. His "ex"-wife is being difficult about the terms of the divorce (which I was led to believe was a formality) but he won't tell me any details. And now he is is off to see his DD again for a few days on his own.

I'm being told I am unreasonable to object to this as "family must always come first". Plans are discussed without my knowledge and then presented as done deals. It feels like his DD is the other woman! I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me. I am close to walking away from it all as it is causing me so much stress. I can't see how we can sustain a relationship when his family issues constantly take precedence.

Can't say I agree with what looks like a near consensus in replies here. Very little acknowledgement of the unexpected breakup. I think you are not unreasonable to be upset.

Given what you say, his reasons for breaking up with you do not seem reasonable or expected given your relationship. The broken promises after resuming the relationship would be very hard to take.

What's your character assessment of this man? He seems quite weak, particularly in the face of his wife and daughter? Are they loyal to each other and therefore a combined force against him and you. What's your assessment of them, and his ability to stand up to them?

You could demand clear answers from him, which is not unreasonable after 9 years, I'm wondering what is preventing him from explaining what is going on.

You both seem out of kilter with each other about family/ one-on-one time - that's unlikely to change in my opinion, but I'd be more concerned that if you get through this you'll be in a relationship with a weak unprincipled person who's relationships will be influenced by his daughter. Fuck that!

I'm not sure I see an issue with what he is doing. He's simply having a bit of alone time with his adult DC, I think that's perfectly reasonable. The o lunching I think he is doing wrong is not explaining the reasons to you so you're clear of there is an issue at all or whether they just want time together.

My mum is remarried but we spend a lot of time together without her DH or mine. I would think to invite him to stay with us for a weekend but my mum does regularly.

^
This was my thought. Follow the money….Nine years and not divorced?!

He should prioritise his family, you can’t expect to be invited…. Sorry. I can imagine it hurts to be left out. After the au pair thing (@NoSquirrels normally make sure you have enough beds for all guests, before inviting them) if I was told to leave- I sure would and never go back.

He’s split up with you once, now back together and he’s seeking a divorce, hmmm I bet the children are worried he will remarry and bang goes their inheritance.

I don’t see what you can actually do apart from vent and I’d start seeing my friends more I think.

You've been with this "partner" for 9 years and he's still married to another woman. That's insane. I don't care what excuses he/you have about that, even contested divorces don't take that long.

If your "partner," whom you don't even live with, has that little respect for your relationship, why should his daughter have more? If he wanted to divorce his wife and marry you, he would have by now. He hasn't because he doesn't want to. And since legally you're just her dad's bit on the side, why should she want a relationship with you?

It’s sounds tiring and he is not prioritising you. He has gone back on his terms and conditions.

You found it stressful before and nothing has changed.

Time to make you’re escape

So his dd and ex live close to each other. Maybe dd feels her mum can't visit if you're there. Maybe she's trying to get them back together! Now divorce is in the air she might see your relationship with dp in a different light eg re-marriage and inheritance issues as someone already mentioned.

Op I like my dad’s girlfriend. She is nice. Dad is very happy with her and she with him.

I am happy to see her. But no, I don’t want to spend all my time with my Dad with her as well.

Just like my own adult daughter doesn’t only want to see me with my dp. Different combinations of people make dynamics different.

My mum is dead, so in some way it was harder to accept the new fireworks. I felt disloyal to mum. In some ways it’s easier because she is gone. If mum and dad had split I would find it incredibly awkward being the middle. While they sorted the divorce and wouldn’t want my mum being upset by Dad and his girlfriend staying.

I don’t think he has prioritised them at all. I think he has simply spent time with them. And you see you not being included as prioritising them.

I don’t think this will work because I think you have very different views about relationships should be. It’s not wrongs just different.

@Guavafish1 in what way has he gone back on his terms and conditions? The DD has had OP to stay for several days at her house twice in the 18 months since they got back together.

And OP lives 60 miles from her dad and mainly sees him at weekends.

The DP here had absolutely no right to promise things on behalf of his kids.

The DP here had absolutely no right to promise things on behalf of his kids.

Exactly. He could only offer involvement with his family with their consent, especially if the involvement is at their homes.
He could promise to encourage it, he could promise not to block it. But he couldn't promise that it would happen.

He only got divorced when he was with you so they probably blame you. I'd just try and have a nice relationship with him when you can and enjoy yourself with your mates and busy life when he's with his kids.

YANBU to feel upset about it but there is clearly more to the story that you either don’t know about are can’t see through your rose tinted specs. I don’t get the impression that your DP is or has been entirely honest with you.

As for the divorce, if you knew all the circumstances you would understand that it is a surprise to DP that there was any pushback from the ex.

In what way, pushback?

It was never going to be a simple divorce, no matter how amicable the parties, because there are two people in two different counties and two houses in two different countries and who knows what assets in how many countries. Given there are at least two legal systems involved and he’s presumably getting divorced under French/Swiss law as they used to live there, the idea from one of the children that he wishes lawyers were not involved is pretty naive.

Up thread, I said two visits in 18 months, but double checking the timeline, they went in autumn and in December, so that’s two visits within 4 months, and DD is saying no to a third within 12 months.

My friends IRL who know me (and like him and were all upset when we broke up last year) don't think IABU
Of course these friends don’t think YABU, they only have your version of what’s going on! As for them ‘being upset’, that’s simply ridiculous.
I agree with @StolenChanel , I think your DP is being flexible with the truth and he’s stringing you along. Very convenient for him to have a willing partner for sex and companionship on tap when it suits him?

His children are not being unreasonable. They want time with their dad on his own.

They were grown adults when you met, your relationship has been on and off at best. You really don't know what he's been saying to them, especially his daughter, so maybe they don't see a long term investment required. They need to be polite and respectful, but it does sound like they've done that and made an effort, so I can't really see what they've done wrong.

I think deep down you know this relationship isn't going to work out and it's making you feel insecure which you are projecting onto them.

Also, and this is hard to hear, maybe they are uncomfortable with the dynamics when you're there. They probably just want a relaxed dynamic and spend time with their dad without complications.

I think you might want to think about stepping away from this situation, doesn't sound comfortable for anyone.

I’m sorry it was unkind of him to ask you to restart the relationship. You both have very different values - this is not going to work - you are asking him to change his approach to his kids so he’s in the middle and needing to choose.
You are entitled to want what you want - but you seem to be driven by expecting his kids should just accept you and want to spend time with you. They don’t. They are adults and he is not responsible for their feelings or behaviours. Quite frankly can you not see why his children would not want you around if they know you feel he prioritises them too much over you? From what you have listed it doesn’t sound too much.

His daughter may have a health or relationship issue or have suffered a miscarriage.

You don't know why she wants this time with her father, but are putting it down to the daughter being offended with you.

That is projecting, or at the very least, ascribing a reason to the situation which you don't know to be factual.

My ex has a girlfriend. My adult DC are irritated when she’s always with him. They are perfectly polite and friendly to her and think she’s OK. They just feel awkward around her. They don’t know if she’s permanent. They think she’s after his money!

Ex and GF don’t live together. My DC check if she’ll be there when they visit and my ex interprets that as them not liking her. He tries to get them together and then just sits back and lets her talk while he plays on his phone and watches TV. They don’t like visiting him because of this.

It’s overall a good thing if he prioritises them. Doesn’t mean they don’t like you. You’re just not family.

I just don't understand why his DD seemed perfectly happy for me to come to stay last autumn and then at the beginning of the year but no longer...

Because you stayed there with him on those times and now she wants to see him without you. I don't see why it's so hard to understand or why it's a big deal. As long as you enjoy your time together with the two of you, there's no reason his dc have to include you in their lives with him. It's nice that some do, but not par for the course by any stretch. You don't even live together or close by and you split up recently. I wouldn't make this such a thing.

“I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me.”

This is such odd language, @still30inmyhead - why is his DD preferring to see him on his own “sabotaging his relationship”

You are also not really giving your DP any agency in this. Myself, I think it’s quite odd he would go and dogsit for weeks on end when she wasn’t there, rather than her and her DH getting someone local. But that was his choice and perhaps he has lots of old friends in the area.

In France op leaving the family home is considered abandonment, even victims of domestic abuse have to be sure to have contacted the police before leaving the home.
I wouldn’t be surprised if what you’re not being told is something to do with legal issues that they don’t want you to know about.
After all the dd lives 30 minutes from her dm.

Absolutely this

What else do you expect? And yes his children will always come firsr

I think later in life relationships have a very different dynamic than one in which you’re seeking to start and raise a family. The bonds aren’t the same and neither should they be. My family remain my priority over my partner. The difference though is if I wanted to see my family without him I’d just say. There would be no “you’re not invited but I’m not telling you why”. So that’s the bit that I think is a bit off on OP’s scenario.

You mean they sympathise and don't tell you to your face that you are.

The reality is you don't live together.
They needed space for the aupair and you had your own place you could go to. This was such a non issue and indeed surely the solution should have come from you.

If you made such a big deal over that maybe you are beibg unreasonable here.

The daughter may feel she never gets time with just her dad alon with you constantly tagging along. Perhaps it's even your partner wanting a bit of breathing space and she is playing along being the bad guy saying you can't come.

Perhaps the fact that the divorce is going through now is stirring up issues with the mother and they need to discuss these and can't do so properly with you there. Everything seems to be about you and what you want and how you feel.

They have some things going on at present that means that on this occasion you should let them have their space.

I just don't understand why his DD seemed perfectly happy for me to come to stay last autumn and then at the beginning of the year but no longer

It does seem strange

Have you asked her?

Perhaps you've upset her?