AIBU about feeling upset that my partner's adult daughter wants her dad to come to stay but not me?

[still30inmyhead]

Long back story - we are in our 60s and have been in a relationship for around 9 years. We don't live together (I'm in a city and he lives in the country around 60 miles away). I have plenty of other friends and interests and we enjoy most weekends together.
I'm widowed and have 2 sons who are independent and in happy relationships - they live far away and I see them only briefly a few times a year although we usually talk once a week.

My partner was separated from his wife when we met (I played no part in that) and as she lives abroad she has never really been an issue on a practical basis. His prioritisation of his family has been a constant source of friction between us.
DP has 3 adult children: 2 sons who live about an hour and a half drive away. Eldest son (38) who lives with his girlfriend and who is polite to me but has never made an effort to accept me however noticeably has a more distant relationship with his father and only sees his dad now and then.

Middle son (36) married with 3 kids - there's much more contact with him and the grandchildren and I have always felt very welcomed by him and his family. I don't have any grandchildren myself so I appreciate this although I'm not always included in arrangements.

Daughter (31) who is married and lives abroad. I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine.
We split up at the beginning of last year - DP decided that it was too difficult to deal with my upset over him deciding to prioritise his family over me. I was in shock as it was so unexpected but got on with my life and was just getting myself back together again when he asked if we could restart things. Although initially reluctant he convinced me that he loved me and that he wanted to be in for the long haul. He had started simple divorce proceedings before he had contacted me again and told me that I was definitely part of the family.
I was then invited to go with him to his daughter's house abroad for a week - I only agreed to this as she wasn't there for the first few days and it was all great and even when she returned for the final couple of days she seemed to welcome me back.

Then over Christmas DP was asked to dogsit for his DD and her DH while they went on a belated honeymoon and I was asked to fly out to join him for the final 3 weeks and we had a lovely time before driving back together. His DD and her husband were there for the last few days and again all seemed well.
However the rest of this year has been problematic...in May DP suddenly announced that he was going to stay with his DD for 3 weeks without me as his DD didn't want me there. He refuses to explain what changed or why she is taking this attitude. This was all very awkward and we hardly spoke when he was away. He refuses to discuss anything about it.
Since then we spent a holiday together on a road trip for a week and had a nice time but generally things have been a bit tense overall. His "ex"-wife is being difficult about the terms of the divorce (which I was led to believe was a formality) but he won't tell me any details. And now he is is off to see his DD again for a few days on his own.

I'm being told I am unreasonable to object to this as "family must always come first". Plans are discussed without my knowledge and then presented as done deals. It feels like his DD is the other woman! I don't understand why she is trying to sabotage her father's relationship with me. I am close to walking away from it all as it is causing me so much stress. I can't see how we can sustain a relationship when his family issues constantly take precedence.

I have two daughters. I hope to be ‘enmeshed’ in their lives until the day I die. Adult or not, partner or not, I hope I’d be the one they call in times of need aswell as times of happiness etc. You’ve decided to raise your sons differently and have a different opinion on a relationship between parent and adult children. Of course your circle of friends will be similar, like calls to like.
Your partner told you his children are his priority. You either have to except it or move on.

Sounds to me that simply, she doesn’t like you.

It sounds like he is a lot closer to his kids then you are yours. And that his dd just wants to spend time with him alone. Maybe you are reading to much into this.
Maybe when you are also there she feels she can't spend much time with him without you being included.
You said yourself she lives abroad so it's not like they see each other often.
You have him the rest of the year .
You don't have to do everything together .
Yes he could explain better but maybe he worries about how you will react .

9 years and he's still not divorced! Take the hint. No matter the bs about saving her house (and why should he care to do that?), if he were that into you he'd divorce her within months. It's 9 years. His kids are grown up, so it's not out of making sure his kids are provided for. 9 years and you are in a relationship with a married man. 9 years, and you don't even live together. That is not normal!

You don't have a relationship. This is a booty call. It's a Friends With Benefits situation. You just haven't realised it yet. Please wake up and toss this pos back to the gutter. Let him get his sexual 'benefits' with no commitments or strings attached elsewhere. Unless you are only looking for a FWB. Because, that is all you have right now. And since you are not even in a relationship with her father, and she knows you're only an FWB (and so does his other children but they're polite), why should she invite you anywhere? You're not his girlfriend or his partner. So why would she?

It’s a lot of drama to go through after being married and widowed .. the thing that is concerning is the mistery … it’s not that his daughter doesn’t want you there it’s the fact that there is no clear comunication from his part , as soon as I read that he didn’t want to share with you what was said and why I saw a huge red flag .

Living apart is wise (and my fantasy) I think you should let him go with your blessing and you have a nice time at home. No being invited would not bother me but things being refused to discuss would. I wouldn't want anyone in my house for 3 weeks, hopefully he will miss you and not do it again. Maybe his D want to speak to him about the divorce and her mum and his relationship with you and protecting his money. You have a lot of good in your life, don't spoil what you have. Also don't overly contact him while he's there and be sure to let him know your living your best life too

I think you are being unreasonable. For his children you are just their dad's girlfriend. You live apart at some distance, have split up before etc. It seems natural that he should travel to see his dd alone. It doesn't mean they don't like you. You are making this bigger than it needs to be. Are you hoping to live together? If so maybe this is the issue. Maybe he doesn't have that vision and wants something less committed.

So as your mother has proved, living together and being married doesn't stop one from being "transitory".

I think the OP is being unreasonable, but this is just disingenuous and rude. 9 years together isn't transitory. Not everyone has the same relationship arrangements as you.

We are all adults living our own lives. I am glad DM is occupied, has friends, has a home and a life. But I don't feel the need to force a bond between me and her current partner/husband. He (to me) is no different to any of her other friends (male or female). I will be nice to this week's gentleman, but really we have no shared experience, no relationship or history. We will get along, make conversation and all that. But he is no different to me than any of her other friends.

There is a whole world between the closeness of immediate family and contempt of mortal enemies. Accept that most people lie on the spectrum in the middle and that you can be polite and pleasant and get along without having to fake some close non-existant bond or create a feud. This would avoid so much of the ridiculous family drama that seems to go on here.

The problem for OP is that the boyfriend dangled “the family” and staying at the daughter’s house as a bright object to get her back. She was feeling uneasy about the relationship—it wasn’t really working for her—and they broke up. As a condition of getting back together he promised more intimacy and more closeness and inclusion eith his family and now that isn’t happening. He reneged on his promise. That is hurtful.

He didn’t, though… they have both spent time at the DD’s house since they got back together. Just not this time.

(Additionally, he shouldn’t have made any such promise on behalf of someone else’s hospitality)

Sorry but I think YABU.

His grown up adult children do not need to part of any kind of blended family including you if they don’t want to.

He is entitled to spend time with his children without you. Especially given that you do not live together.

You sound resentful of him prioritising his children because you are not close to your own. Why don’t you move to be closer to your own kids and then you can prioritise them?

I visit my adult kids without my partner. He’s not their father, he’s not my grandson’s grandfather. I don’t really see the issue.

As a women in my 30s, I know if I wanted my Dad to visit for, say, three days - he would do it. If it was three weeks, he would say he would need to discuss it with his partner first. And that if it was a yes, she would likely be coming too.

I would definitely walk away from this one. If he tries to get back again then I’d by all means consider it but I’d be showing him he’s wrong by point blank not accepting it.

Issue is that they have a life together as a partnership and she needs to be involved in decisions too and accepted.

We are in a partnership too.

Daughter wants to spend time with her dad without his partner there. Simple as that. Why should you be put before his children? Whether they’re grown up or not, nothing wrong with a man putting his children first.

Never said you weren’t, I said what the issue is

I understand it’s sad but yes his kids come first. Either you are ok with it or not, it’s not for him to change. Also your status is not as secure. You’ve recently broken up, don’t live together, you can’t expect to be the priority or for the kids to necessarily view you as permanent. If they won’t open up about what is causing the issue or what can be changed then that’s their loss but you can’t force his daughter to have you there.

OP I hate to say it but I just think you both want different things out of a relationship. You may not want to marry again but you (reasonably I think) want to be considered a long term partner and included in family life events as such.

Your partner just does not appear to feel the same way. Possibly because he is divorced/separated and not widowed, possibly because he just prefers to keep his two lives seperate - the one with you and the one with his kids.

His children are treating you like any other adult because they have only known you as an adult, you are not a stepmother figure to them and also your partner has never treated you as such. They also still have their own mother in their life so likely don’t see the need to include you in the same way.

You cannot force them to have a relationship with you if that’s not a priority for them. But I would say that stems more from your partner than from them. The fact he won’t even tell you why his daughter doesn’t want you there sounds to me like he is happy enough with this set up.

I don’t think he is going to change any time soon and only you can decide if you are happy with this arrangement in the long term. There would be plenty other men out there either without children, or those who would be more excited to have you in their kids lives that may suit you a lot better than your current partner.

Well then things would be different as he would be your partner, or you might remarry, rather than your boyfriend . Obviously his children would accept that it was also your house. As things stand I think him wanting to see his dd and her him, without you, is totally reasonable.
The thing that seems unreasonable is him being so secretive. Perhaps this is because he wants to avoid any conflict, but it does emphasise the fact that you aren’t a couple living together, and it seems this attitude of keeping things separate probably isn’t helping you feel relaxed, or his daughter to see you as his partner. Do you intent to live together at some point ?

I think you missed a bit "I had previously seen quite a bit of her when she lived with her dad for a few months a couple of years ago and we appeared to get along fine" but we don't know what changed.

Gently, this just isn't working and wouldn't work for me either. The fact he can only spare one week the whole year to holiday with you because all his time and money is being used on his daughter (what about his other kids) would just make me feel that he can't balance his relationships.

You aren't happy and sounds like this has been an ongoing problem. I would just walk away. It shouldn't be this hard.