Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

My kids would have a home with me whenever they needed it. However, every family is different and everyone's circumstances are different.

I get that you say DD can be difficult to live with, so this is a factor. You don't elaborate much though and it could be important, especially as your DH has a life limiting medical condition.

What does DD do that grates so much? Why does it grate?

I'd be wanting to let her come back, with firm and fair ground rules in place and for an initial trial period of three or six months. There would be an understanding that any serious transgressions and the situation would be reconsidered at any time.

Your DD doesn't seem to be a wastrel though. She is a nurse. She wants to be able to save for the deposit on a house and she won't be able to do that if she is renting in London on a nurse's salary.

DH and I once both lived with with his parents for about a year while we saved the deposit for our first home. It certainly wasn't stress free and there were tensions of course. I can't pretend that any of us were perfect and no problem to live with. However, we all tried hard and largely we all just got on with it.

We were very grateful for that year and probably couldn't have got on the property ladder without it (also in London, many years ago now).

I believe Your house is her house too so your DH’s attitude is strange to me.

I am 49 and would expect to be able to move home if I needed to.

We've still not had any examples at all of this DD's "difficult" nature, any more than we have instances of her being "lovely", both words which the OP has used in relation to her. I think any 25 year old moving back in with parents is not going to be ideal and you really can't judge what it would be like based on how she was before and during uni years - I expect 2.5 years of a Band 5 NHS job and living with flatmates in London will have ironed out a lot of those wrinkles! If you has asked me when DS1 was 17 whether I would have him home to live I would have rolled my eyes and hoped it would never happen, now at 25 and in an emergency series role he is a delight to have around.

"When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away."

You need to not let your past cloud your judgement in this situation. Your daughter has asked for help, but you and your husband ARE there for her. She says she cannot afford full market rent. Your husband is proposing to help her pay towards it. That's far more generous than most people get when renting. If she was mentally or physically ill and wanted to move in with you for support that would be different. If it's just financial struggle, what your husband is proposing is helping her stay living in the real world rather than in the parental bubble, it will be better for her.

To be honest, she needs to be told she's difficult to live with! You have a small house and your husband is in a lot of pain. The very last thing he needs is trouble in the house. If she was great to live with then I'm sure he'd think differently. It's time for her to grow up and realise the repercussions of her own actions.

Even if she moves out of London, as long as she is renting, she won’t be able to afford to save for a property. If she and her bf save hard for a year they should be able to stump up a deposit on a property somewhere - that’s where OP’s financial help would be most useful.

DH has as much right to make a decision as OP. It's his home too and if he has a life limiting illness I think that needs to be taken into account.

Our DC have all been told they are very welcome here if they ever need to come back. Does your DH always make the decisions in your house?

@worriedmum64

You've sad several times "she is difficult to live with", also:

• "It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small"

• "Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard)"

Perhaps your husband remembers this and doesn't feel he can cope if he's dealing with his "life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes".

It wasn't great that he flew off the handle about your daughter saying she'd need to move back in and it's sad you're caught up in the middle but perhaps given his strong reaction plus his illness perhaps it would be better to supplement her rent in a house/flat share rather than in your small home where there's likely to be tension between the three of you.

Whatever you and your husband decide I'm sure will be hard - I hope the meeting this weekend helps clear the air and settles things calmly. 🌹

And do you or your partner have a life limiting illness? Are you in a lot of pain? Are you in a small house? Are your DC very difficult to live with?

Compare like with like.

I'm 40 with my own house but I always know that I'd be welcomed with open arms back at 'home' any time I needed it. I have indeed moved back home a couple of times between houses and while it has mostly been fine, it isn't without it's difficulties. No matter how much we all get on, having another adult living in the house, when we are all used to having your own space is quite difficult.
While your DH's stance might seem harsh, it is his home and his sanctuary. I can understand why he doesn't want the disruption. He does get a say in who lives there, same as you do. So between the 3 of you, you will need to take each others views into account and try to come up with a compromise/plan. Perhaps if you all agree some ground rules up front it will make the process easier. But I do think you need to at least acknowledge your DH's concerns, even if you don't agree with them. I wouldn't be happy if I was in his position and my views were completely dismissed.

I genuinely can't imagine expecting to be able to live with my elderly parents at 49 years of age.

Wow. I can't imagine DH ever turning dd away if she needed help. She will always be welcome in our house whenever she wants or needs to be here.

I don't know what to suggest in your situation, OP. That kind of stance from DH would have a terrible impact on our relationship as I would be so incredibly disappointed in him. It would be extremely hurtful to your dd to turn her away, and I doubt that your relationship with her would ever be the same again either.

I think you need to spend a bit of time unpicking why exactly he is so against the idea. See if there are specific issues that can be worked around. This is a hill that I would be prepared to die on though...I wouldn't be happy with him simply vetoing the idea though I wouldn't want to ignore his concerns either. I think my focus would be on figuring out what needs to be put in place to make it work.

Me too, but I acted like a guest and made myself agreeable

Her dh is terminally ill. And is usually a reasonable and kind person. Please don’t call him that.

I don’t think it’s that unreasonable if you are in pain and fatigued to want to enjoy your last years peacefully without any conflict. Op says it’s a small house. And even she said it would be stressful living with her dd.

And a twenty-five year old is a very different prospect to accommodating a uni student or teen. You can talk all you like about boundaries but you can’t really enforce them can you? Can you really tell a 25 year old not to come in after midnight at the weekend? And if overnight guests are prohibited, when and where will the op’s dd spend time with her bf?

As a nurse won’t she be working shifts and coming in at strange hours? Will she potentially be bringing back viruses or Covid that op’s dh might be vulnerable to?

I think young adults do become much more mature at this age but I think it is far preferable for their own development to live separately from parents if they can.

Op I think you are projecting your own experience on to your dd and this situation a little too much. It’s a difficult thing to negotiate as we all want to help our dc when they ask, but living together like this could potentially damage your relationship with your dd too. It doesn’t always work out well. And sometimes it works out well for the offspring but puts the parents under a lot of stress.

I think you need to frame the problem as doing the best you can for all of the adults in your life, your dh included. I’d go for the deposit option if you can make it work. It’s not about how much or how little you love your dd, it’s about doing the best for everyone.

I would tell her she can come home but is on ‘trial’ for however long you decide explaining that she was difficult to live with previously and you don’t want a repeat of that. See if your husband agrees with this idea.

@worriedmum64

Im sorry to hear about your DH, , is there any chance this is affecting his personality (beyond just extra stress)

can you explain more about DD being 'hard work' ??

im 55, sadly my Dad died, but I could go 'home' to my Mum anytime I wanted to (and my Dad when he was alive). It wasn't easy when I did because I'm very independent & they still see me as their little girl. And no doubt it made their life very different too, but they wouldn't have had it any other way.

Getting past the emotional side if it. He's willing to sub her rent. Maybe there's a way he/you can contribute more to the house deposite so they can buy sooner instead of renting? Even if it's a 'loan'.

is she an only??

This

Your husband doesn’t have the final ‘say’ it’s not the 1950’s.

This is so sad for your daughter. My parents would have me home in a heartbeat, if needed. I would be devastated if they said no for some reason. I don’t think the relationship with your daughter is worth risking and I’d resent DH for making me turn my back on her. I hope he changes his mind OP.

Then a full and frank discussion about her attitude first.

But I don't understand why your husband gets to lay the law down without listening to you

This. I’ve never needed to go back home and my dcs aren’t old enough to have left but I simply can’t imagine it not being allowed in either circumstance - them or me going “home,” even at my grand old age if needed. That’s what families do. Yes, there can be bickering but, provided it’s not actual abuse, again that’s family. I genuinely can’t imagine my parents saying sorry but no, this isn’t your home anymore. That said, it ought to be homeowners’ rules once there. Could you talk your DH round by letting him put rules in place to make it less “ stressful” for him?

Sorry, I meant I wouldn’t accept a firm no without having a calm, reasoned discussion where I understood all of their reasons and we mutually agreed. I can’t imagine the toll of having to live with long term health issues however and I’m sorry that you are living with this it must be very hard and would affect the decision we made.

The man is ill and is offering to help her financially.

I find it interesting that everyone's saying "support her! I'd never turn my child away" yet when parents post about how hard it is to live with their adult children, the consensus is "they need to move out", lol.

Me too! I am 50 and it’s been so important to know that I can always go home to my parents if I need to. My dd will always have a home with me or my parents no matter what.