Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

I have a similar thread on this though my DC are younger and still in uni. But I have resigned myself to them coming back even after they graduate, given London rents. My rule is that as long as they are working or studying and help with the housework, they can stay. Both Dh and I are agreed on this.

It's hard though living with other adults in London housing, and I can understand your DH's reluctance as well. The empty nest seems unreachable.

Does your daughter want to move back in knowing she's not wanted, it's not easy for anyone especially if she has lived away.

and you, as so many others who have said this, are giving OP the final say.

Bonkers.

Edited

Even if you were terminally unwell yourself and couldn't handle a difficult house guest anymore?

I think leaving out that your DH is in pain and dying in the OP is cruel considering people are piling up on him.

I also wonder if her roommates are moving to different places in order to avoid living with her since you say she is rather difficult.

London is expensive so she might have to move somewhere else. I don't think your DH is being unreasonable. He is physically ill and stress will not help that.

Also as you keep avoiding what makes her difficult but are willing to throw dh under the bus, I suspect her behavior is incredibly stressful.

My DD was very prickly and a complete nightmare during the pandemic, but has improved as she has grown up. I think that generation of young adults were slow to grow up. Maybe yours will do better now.

One's child should ideally always have some ''port in a storm'' in their life - your your child will always feel she did not have that if DH refuses her to stay with you (while he has all comforts and security he may need). You could be surprised at the long term effect being turned away by parents may have on DD. Maybe she will remember this when you are both in your very old age?

If my DD, her DH and my DGC needed to move back in for any reason, they know that they are welcome with open arms. It would be an absolute nightmare (other DD still lives with us) so it would be a bit cramped but it would absolutely happen if needed

but if the DH feels he can't live with her and has offered to help pay her rent that is part of the child being for life.

I know for sure that one of my DC would be about manageable for 6 months. Then it would be too much for all of us. An alternative is that i help pay their rent, on the understanding that if things get too much they can come home to regroup. But. This was a discussion over a week or so, first between me and DH to decide what the conditions should be, and then with the DC to find out if that work for them. And the agreement as it is goes: we contribute to rent. If it gets too much DC moves in with us for up to 6 months and during that time we all try to find alternative living space for them.

I'm guessing for some vipers that makes us the worst parents ever. So sue us.

If able I would gift my child the money for a deposit to get them on the ladder, although this would be done in conjunction with legal advice to protect my daughters assets in case of a breakup with the boyfriend.

I understand though that this may not be a possibility for you, in which case I would always let my children move back home.

However your DH's medical needs do add a slightly different dimension to this, and I think a very Frank and open discussion with the DD will be needed, to drum in your husbands poor health, and the fact that she is coming to live with you, so really she fits into your lives. Things will not all be her way. However you may find she has cooled with this sort of behaviour through maturing and living with others.

He's offering her support. He doesn't need to provide her with a home whenever she demands it - she's an adult now. At some point she needs to stand on her own two feet, surely?

I am 49 and would expect to be able to move home if I needed to.

Really? I wouldn't. I'm the same age as you and I'd find my own solution to my problems, rather than dumping myself on my elderly DPs. Their obligation to house me ended long ago.

I think parent paying rent is an acceptable compromise, frankly. I might do that, but I think it won't make financial sense in London.

The man is dying and often in pain, while she is unpleasant to be around. If I were him and I possibly could, I would buy her a flat rather than have her move in.

My nearly 40-year-old dd and her dd live with me. She is not perfect but she is generally a positive to have around

My DC would like to live in the capital - but can't afford it. So they live elsewhere. Is that an option for DD and the BF? Her job is something that is easily transferable?

Tbf the OP said he has a life limiting illness. Which could mean anything these days.

If she is working and has a boyfriend how much time is she actually going to be spending in the house. It'll mostly be just sleeping there won't it ?

What's he stressing about, she has a job, a bf will likely be out of the house and can help with housework when home. As someone who moved home after a break up in my twenties i cant imagine my parents saying no, they welcomed me with open arms. I was able to save while contributing a small amount and i moved out less than a year later. Your husband sounds very uncaring

To be honest- if that was us I would give DP an ultimatum. But I wouldn't have to-he'd be in the car to collect her before she'd finished asking. Ours know they can always come home.

I’m with you

Wow, that's very difficult and a situation that DH and I share (thankfully) similar ideas on. How do you think things will go on Saturday? Do you think she will understand that DH just wants a quiet life or do you think she will walk out of his life completely? One thing that I would want her to know though, is that it isn't a joint decision and that you would have let her come home.

This. Why does husband get to decide. You don’t stop being parents when your kids hit their twenties. He just needs to suck it up. It’s only a year. Don’t make her feel unwanted.

The responses from this will vary depending on whether posters have adult DC or not. It is easy to say DC will always have a home with you when they are little.

again: why do you all think OP gets to decide?

She's difficult to live with? That's a no then. A grown woman needing to move back in with her parents should be a lot more humble and doing her bit. You have a right to a peaceful existence. And if he is ill and works part time, then he is at home more and would have to put up with her more. I get his point.