Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

One thought - when she asked, how did she ask? Did she acknowledge it was a big ask? Did she have any initial thoughts about how it would work? Did she say anything that suggests she understands that she might need to help out and be considerate?

Or did she just sort of announce it in the way of entitled children everywhere?

Why would her boyfriend pay her rent?

I think your DH might have a fair point. Sounds like the DD is a nightmare to live with. A normal adult DC will ask their parents nicely if they can move back home and promise to be no trouble at all etc. and they’ll happily agree to a list of house rules.

saying that she was going to have to move back in with us.

Note, not Asking!

If your husband’s suffering from poor health, then that should be considered too.

I grew up in a household where even at almost 40, I know I would be welcome back. I did for almost a year in my late 20s after an operation. Another sibling did for 3 months when moving house, another for 6 months after a break up so I'm probably totally biased but I think your DH is wrong.

If he has a life limiting illness, would he not enjoy spending more time with her. She could be a support to you both rather than a hindrance. Rules & guidelines made clear and anything that is a dealbresker for DH well highlighted at the outset.

so of all the questions about exactly how awful your DD was and a few examples you came back with this? Slow handclap, OP.

I think this is very sad and wonder how this may affect your relationship with your DH, not to mention your DD's relationship with both of you. For what it's worth, our eldest is a police officer in London (so on slightly more money than your daughter) and he really struggled to find anywhere affordable to live, the rental market is brutal, landlords have their pick of tenants and many flats are being rented sight unseen to people who offer several hundred pounds more than the advertised rental - not something he is in a position to offer, or your daughter either I expect! Our other DC is also a Band 5 NHS worker and says they will never work in London because, although great for their career, they feel they would have no life at all once rental and necessary bills are paid.

If either of them wanted to come home while they were in transit or saving, I would have them in a heartbeat. Yes, we all have our own ways of doing things now but we could have an upfront discussion about compromises to be made and, particularly if we put a time limit of 12 months on it, would definitely make it work.

Also OP, he might not have mentioned that his feelings are linked to his life limiting illness - because it may seem so screamingly obvious that he feels it doesn't need mentioning.

I can't believe you didn't say it in your first post.

When my mum was in her sixties and divorced she came to live at mine for a year whilst she got back on her feet. What’s all this nonsense about age? She’s clearly not been mollycoddled if she’s lived alone all this time, this isn’t a “time to fly the nest” kind of thread. Families should help each other out imo.

Being a parent doesn't mean you have to put yourself last until the day you die.

When you say life-limiting, are we talking terminal cancer or ??? That does make a difference. (Sorry to hear about your husband's health woes.)

Also sorry you are stuck in the middle of this. My initial reaction was "how dare he?" and "that would be a dealbreaker" but if she is hard to get along with AND he is looking at a short time to live, I can see his point.

Tell us more about her issues. Is she messy? Loud? Argumentative? Cooks unpleasant food? Unpredictable as in disappearing for a night or a weekend with no notice? Brings people around? Would she expect her boyfriend to sleep over? I wouldn't want to be hearing them having sex in close quarters.

I wonder if her issues are part of the reasons the flatmates are going their separate ways.

I'm generally a proponent of multi-generational living for economic / support reasons; too many people dismiss it as a path toward upward financial mobility. And it's nice to get on the property ladder. But I was 36 when I bought my house, and it's not my dream house or dream location, either. She might just have to have patience and pay some more dues before she is able to purchase rather than rent.

Can't you help her pay towards the 15% rent increase instead and staying where she is? Surely cheaper than subsidising her renting alone.. i know the other flatmates are a factor but likely cheaper for them too than all individually renting their own flats? or could they find a cheaper flat together?

You're saying your dh has a painful life-limiting illness and she's a PITA to live with and it would seem that may well have been the case while your dh has been in this position while she was living at home/on holiday with you. So she has no track record of making adjustments and putting his needs above her wants? Maybe he has earned the right to a bit of peace and calm for the time remaining to him? It sounds (to me) like he is panicked at the idea of having to deal with her. Her approach sounds off to me and not an indicator of a lovely person - announcing that she'll have to move back in. That's presumptuous of an adult child. Talk to your dh about what's in his head. Yes it should be a joint decision by both of you but her wants don't entitle her to ride rough-shod over his needs or wants. I'm kind of surprised that his condition wasn't front and centre of your understanding of his position, and wasn't even mentioned in your opening post. Maybe he is being unreasonable but it doesn't really sound like that's a given from what you've posted.

Is he her dad or step dad? It’s a very cold attitude to have towards your own flesh and blood. I’ve never been of the opinion that your responsibility to you child ends when they turn 18.

I think it’s very sad, I’d be really upset if I was your daughter. I don’t see why your husband should get the deciding vote - why does what he want trump what you want?

I saw that the DH has a life limiting illness (where he can still work) and my view is the same. My DC would always have a home here.

Sadly, I've seen this happen twice and the returning adult children were a hindrance, not a help.

Why can’t she pay the extra 15%? You and your husband could help her out with that. I would have thought it would be easier for everyone in the house to pay that than move again and find a new deposit and pay removal costs etc.

❤️

I would let my children move back in any time if they were in a crisis, say, suddenly had to move out, were in an abusive relationship, needed mental health support. Always. I wouldn't necessarily be wanting them to move back just to save money when in their mid-twenties, I'd be looking at my own situation, deciding what worked for all of us and then either helping them with money or helping them by staying, but with a different approach than when they were teens.

I think it's not a huge benefit to many many people to be living with their parents throughout their twenties and into their thirties. I even know people still at home at 40 years old. Some do just not get off the ground. The Op's daughter doesn't sound like she's in this category, but she also doesn't sound great to live with, comes with a boyfriend, and the house is small with dad with a life-limiting illness and pain. Perhaps he prefers the relationship they have when she lives apart!

He doesn't sound mean, he's said he would help with their rent, more that he can't cope with them living there.

I don't agree with the current trend of let them stay home forever, I'll always give them a home. I would support my children, but that support might mean me helping them live elsewhere.

Isn't 'home' a funny word 😂 If it is her home she can come, otherwise it is not her home, it is yours.

You say she has been given notice that rent is going up by 15% - does this mean 15% in total or 15% each flat mate. If they are all saying they can't afford it then there are things they can do to challenge it depending on how long they have been tenants for. They could Contact citizens advice or shelter for advice.

I'm going to buck the trend and side with your DH. If your DD was easygoing and pleasant to live with then I'd feel differently, but we all reap what we sow in life. If you're a difficult person then you have to accept that others may not want to share a house with you - particularly a small one. If you had a large place where you could effectively live separate lives, again my feelings would differ. But a year is a long time, particularly for someone with a life-limiting illness.

Perhaps your DH feels that the stress of having your DD living at home will make one of his final years a misery? Or perhaps stress exacerbates his condition and he knows that having her and her prickly personality around the house all the time might shorten his life still further? And who's to say that there won't be some setback in her savings plans during that year - breaking up with her bf, for instance, or something that means she isn't able to save as much as she/they need - a 'year' could then morph into two or three years. And if you can't say 'No' to her moving in, how will you muster the oomph to tell her that it's time she moved out? What if you also find her company intolerable after a short period of time? You know how problematic she can be to live with and a year is a long time if you and your DH butt heads either with her or with each other due to the stress of her living with you.

I advise you to get off your high horse and listen to what your DH has to say. This is a major decision that will have a huge impact on your lives and you both have to agree, since this is both of your home. And if you cannot agree and remain entrenched in your current positions, it's only fair that she doesn't move back, since your DH can't stand the thought.

I agree that you should have mentioned your husband's life limiting illness and pain in your OP. It strikes me that he doesn't deserve all the opprobrium that had been thrown at him in this thread. If he's unwell and has to hear you two bicker all day I can see why he just can't face it.

It's easy enough for those of us with straightforward lives and easier kids to say 'of course she should come back'. But people's situations aren't all identical.

Instinctively, I am with you. I would support my child if they need it it, even if they were 25. My daughter will finish University this year at 22 and I am pretty sure she will need/want to live at home initially. There will be no question that we will have her.

However, if she has genuinely behaved badly in the past in a way that makes living with her a real problem, then that is different.

Secondly, if you have plenty of money and would prefer to bear the cost of subsidising her rent, or lending her money to buy a place, rather than have her live with you, then that is perfectly a valid alternative to consider.

You should have a good open chat about the "ground rules" of living together if you go ahead.

If the daughter is struggling to manage in London independently, on a band 5 salary, then maybe she just can't live in London. Not the end of the world, lots of people couldn't afford to live in London. Surely making choices and compromises and budgeting accordingly is part of growing up. She's not at crisis point, the OP doesn't have a huge house, and her husband has a serious health condition. I get why it would be a shock to the OP that she and her husband think so differently on this but I also don't agree the husband is wrong, or an uncaring father, for resisting the idea, especially given that the daughter is 'difficult' to live with. And - he's proposed an alternative solution, he hasn't just said no.

You say she has been given notice that rent is going up by 15% - does this mean 15% in total or 15% each flat mate.

Umm, this is exactly the same thing!