Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

They've offered to pay towards her rent if she finds somewhere, so I assume if it wasn't working out they would find her somewhere themselves, pay a short term rent and hoof her out to that. If you were so strict on having house rules, then you'd need a backup plan if all else fails.

DH may be worried about the more and more slack problem you mentioned... hence his outright refusal in the first place.

I was utterly vile from about 13 - 17. Awful. Typical teenage girl hormones, pushing boundaries, bickering with siblings and parents. Still, my folks took me back home after Uni at 21, and again after I came home from living overseas at 28. I was working in hospitality both times, though, so was out a lot of evenings and weekends. My younger brother was also still at home, until he was about 25.
I think you need to be supportive of her, or else your relationship may be irrevocably damaged. Can you do as others have suggested, and set out some ground rules. She might be at her boyfriend's a fair amount of the time, also.

Who made him Master of All he Surveys?

who made OP Mistress of All she Surveys?

It's a shame your husband has reacted in this way, without any kind of discussion or rational explanation.

I've got both my adult kids back at home aged 23 and 26. One is saving to buy with her partner and the other is doing her PGCE at Uni. Not only do we have the dynamic of the adult child/parent dynamic to contend with but despite their ages, my daughters tend to bicker! All that said, we wouldn't have it any other way and there will always be a place for them with us, should they need it! What your husband's failing to realize is that if your kids can't turn to their parents in their hour of need, who will they turn to? You two need to have a rational conversation about this and also discuss the ramifications of refusing your daughter's request....

My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that

This is probably the reason why he has said no. He has experienced living with her before and she was "difficult to live with". He knows he will struggle to cope if she behaves in the same way again. Nothing worse than being in pain and struggling with an illness and you've got someone living with you who is "difficult to live with".

I think you should talk to him some more about it and see if there is a compromise to be had. She comes back for maximum 3 months, there are rules put in place etc. If she becomes difficult to live with then she will have to move out earlier than planned.
But if he's suggesting she rents somewhere and makes up the difference so that she can afford a suitable property then that would be a compromise and a possible solution.

I know that her living at home and the boyfriend living at home and saving will mean they can buy a property in the future but plenty of people have to do this and rent, even though it's very hard. I don't think DH's health should be put at risk for this financial reason. It's not fair to him.

I can understand why he doesn't want her moving in. I thought he was being unreasonable until I read the update about his life-limiting illness.

Your DH having a life limiting illness is (whilst I'm very sorry to hear that) a bit of a drip feed.
In any case, he's definitely not being unreasonable to say no. I have a chronic and acutely painful condition and unless you experience it, you can never understand how debilitating it is

For shared ownership flat in London she will be able to add the 10k she will be able to save and make it happen. Rooms are at least £800 for a tiny single in zone 3

the biggest drip feed is going to be when we find out the DD was drug running for the Taliban from the front room

The man is dying.....

@Dramasloth Please RTFT OP's husband is dying ffs

but i am intrigued over all the "who died and made him king" posters who are immediately saying that OP gets to decide on this.

Batshittery on MN at it's best. Entertaining in my sick bed for sure. but batshit.

I have two adult kids. One can come back at any time, and the other…
Let’s just say they are prone to reverting back to their 16 year old self! So, although in theory our door is always open, and they’ve made use of that for the odd month or two, a year would be a push.
I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is. My husband would have a similar reaction.

It's him saying no, not "we."

He's not living in the real world.

All three of mine went or are at uni. The first came home in July after graduation and then moved out in December to a rented room in a shared house after his commute was too long. He knew he could have stayed here for as long as he wanted.

DD is at uni and tbh probably won't ever live with me again but that is her choice and she knows she always can.

DS2 is first year of uni and I'm actually moving house and will be living probably 3/4 hour away from where he is now. This is a good coincidence and while he's already reserved his second year accommodation he could have lived with me and can after he graduates.

I can't envisage a time when I would refuse my child any kind of help.

STBEH would be kids can live here but have to pay. So ridiculous as that limits their capacity to save for their own place. It annoys me as he was bought a house but did pay them back. Our children won't have such a luxury. He's currently staying at his parents house rent and bills free. Yet he thinks once you graduate..twat.

Your DH having a painful life limiting illness is very key info here

He might also be worried that she will end up staying for a very long time.

You say your DD is hard to live with. I'm curious to know if whatever that behaviour is, manifested itself with her flatmates.

My parents would have had me back anytime as well. They pretty much kept my room as it was.

But if it had happened, in reality, there would have been a big talk about respecting rules. Shared bathrooms etc aren't easy. I would have kept quiet about their loud TV because it's their house. I lived in pretty grotty flatshares, was just seen as a rite of passage but I appreciate it's different now.

You mention your DD is not laid back and wants everything her way. Sounds pretty stressful to live with?

@BirthdayRainbow "I can't envisage a time when I would refuse my child any kind of help"

he's offering financial help though.

Immediate issue aside - you say she’s difficult to live with but also that her and BF are saving to buy a flat together but the BF is already living with parents?

Have they actually lived together before they go getting financially entangled? I’d perhaps be suggesting they look to rent together and see if they can stand each other before signing up for six figures worth of debt…

Realistically, will she have a sufficient deposit for a property in London within a year unless both her and the BF get significant financial help from respective parents?

I wonder that some of your DH concern comes from this coupled with the experience of living with her through Covid and his illness

A year is a long time.
is there no half way house that can be agreed with Dh where DD comes home for a month as a trial run with some conditions in place. If she keeps to the rules then she can stay for longer.

If not then i'm on team dh.

Your husband is an arsehole. Rents are stupidly high ATM. It's not as if she's lazing about on benefits.

I think that I might not post on this thread for a few days until things have settled down for me. I am taking everything on board. I know that won't stop people posting! And I am finding it helpful, thank you.

And just to clarify - DH does not pay all the mortgage or bills. I work full time, he works part time because of his illness. I earn more than him. Not sure what that has to do with what should be a joint decision though.

First off I think reframe it as it will be difficult to manage another adult in the space and the ground rules to make it work.

forget about how she was pre Uni she was a teenager not an adult and as such it needs to be approached as such.

respect your DH concerns, point out she is no longer a teenager and ground rules are needed. But she is your DD and if you say no your relationship will never recover and as parents given the circumstances it is your duty to support her

Maybe the life-limiting illness has something to do with it?

This.

You can’t disregard your husbands wishes , it’s his home too.

Id also be testing the robustness of her financial plans. Eg if she has nothing in the bank now and is going to live with your for 12 months, how much does she need to save ? Will that he enough ? How much is the kind of property she wants and can she and her Bf service that level of mortgage ?

If she won’t have that kind of discussion with you then I’d question the whole plan. You don’t want her still with you 3 years from now, her Bf at yours every week , while she is rude and resentful that she can’t afford to buy the fancy London flat she imagined on her NHS salary.

many young people her age have very unrealistic expectations. The whole “I don’t want to live with strangers “ makes her seem a bit spoilt - that’s what most of us had to do at her age, especially as she wants to live somewhere so expensive on a not very high wage.

You should have put that he's in pain with a life-limiting illness in the OP. So many people are just piling on. It isn't that he doesn't want to help her either.

This. What a miserable father, why should he have the final say? If I were your daughter, asking for help, I don’t think I’d ever get over being turned away from home by my dad.

I'm not well off and I can't offer my ds much financial help but I will always offer him a bed and food, whatever age he is. My home is his home, wherever I live, even if he had to sleep on the settee.