Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

I can’t believe some of these replies. In a cost of living crisis you both need to give yourselves a shake and let her move back. She has a job and a plan - I’d be so proud of my dd if she was in the nhs at 25 and plans to buy a property.

Hello OP
@worriedmum64

Having read your updates extra info etc, I'm glad that this part of the prosed event has been dealt with.

I've seen grown up children make the parent's life unbearable first hand and as per my previous post we decided to take on our sister's adult daughter with a horrendous outcome for us and never again

Being your own blood its different and I'm sure you are aware there will be testing moments

I recommend you have a short, concise chat with your daughter and what your and DH's expectations are

As on almost every thread that has more than a few post, there will be nasty jokers on it - ignore them as their aim is to make them feel better when you respond

Wish you, your DH and your daughter peaceful and happy times and I hope that your daughter and her BF get their own place and are happy there. You seeing them happy will make you and your dear H even happier and often the relationship just gets stronger.

Yes, get a grip and stand up for yourself. Tell your husband that's she's your daughter and that she's welcome at home anytime! I'm not sure why he doesn't want her home? Have you asked him? I just know, having become estranged from my own mother who is quite frankly callous, I could never, nor would I want to, ever turn away eeithwr of my children if they needed me.

@Leaningtowerofpisa the original OP was written very much as if he had no consideration for the OPs view point at all and no significant reason to be so adamant about it, for example 'she must never live with us again, ever'. There was no indication of any behaviour that should drive that reaction in the OP at all.

Obviously, from updates, the situation isn't as simple but personally I would do anything for my DC, even if it meant sacrificing something myself and don't really understand parents who are able to prioritise themselves over their DC without good reason and at the point I replied the OP hadn't given any.

Just because your daughter is grown up doesn’t mean you no longer have responsibility to care for her when she needs you. If she was asking you for something outrageous which you absolutely couldn’t afford or justify then I’d understand, but she just wants to live with her mum & dad for a year! It’s hard being a young adult nowadays, everything is so expensive.

you have a room for her, how can he say no?

Both my children have left home (students) but if they needed to come back, at whatever age, they would be welcome without a thought. It wouldn't be my ideal scenario, but they're your children, you can't turn them away (obviously circumstances come into play and if it was just a choice for an easy life then no, but she's wanting to save for her own home).

That's not what I said at all but okay.............🙄

@Heidi75

that was how I read what you said 🤷‍♀️

I am team DH: offer DD money to help if you can afford to do so.

You've not lived with DD for a while, so even though she may have improved, it may be a different perspective when/if you were all living under the same roof.

Some adult children seem to be capable of doing all the right things when they houseshare with strangers but quickly revert to being a complete bloody nightmare when they live with their siblings or parents.

If the relationship with your DD is reasonably good now OP, I wouldn't risk jeopardising the relationship.

How do you think she might react to being told that her behaviour/attitude/level of tidiness is not up to scratch? Would the old tensions and difficulties resume? It can be surprising how quickly relationships deteriorate and old patterns of behaviour emerge despite the best of intentions.

Only you know your DD, so be honest with yourself: has she changed that much in reality? Have you solid evidence that she would be easier to live with? Or is your opinion based on visits and parental optimism (which is understandable)?

One of my adult children would happily (and at the time genuinely) plan to follow through on all promises made, eagerly sign any agreement placed in front of them etc. Once they were back home though, I am under no illusions, all those promises would soon be forgotten and my life would become a living hell once more.

I ended up suicidal, on a very high dose of antidepressants for nearly a decade, (have been diagnosed and still suffer PTSD episodes to this day), as a result the behaviour of one of my adult children.

There's no way I would have them to live with me now, regardless of how much their behaviour has improved.

I genuinely have a very good relationship with that particular child now.

But would I agree to them to returning home? No. If that makes me hard, unloving etc so be it.

If you have experienced the more extreme side of things, I would readily help her from a distance, but not allow her back home.

I am team: RTFT before commenting.

I’m 29 and I know my parents would never deny me or my brother (31) to move back home if we needed to. You’re right, your relationship might not recover if you don’t help her - can you face that? My mum died when I was 28 and could never imagine her jeopardising our relationship.

compromise at 6-9 months at the least.

This completely.

Robert Frost - "Home is the place where when you have to go there they have to take you in."

I believe this.

Me too. My dd will always have a home with us whenever she needs one.

Even at the ripe old age that I am now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I could move in with my mum and dad if I needed somewhere to go. I have absolutely zero intention of doing so, but having the confidence that I could gives me a peace of mind that couldn't possibly be there if I didn't have that certainty.

I'm with your husband on this. I think she's looking for a free ride and an easy life. You've already admitted she can make life difficult! Do you really want this for a year. It sounds like your husband has got used to his peace and quiet and I think at 25, she's old enough to look at other options herself and manage her money better!

My mum will always have a home with me if she needs one, and I suspect she will need it more than my DC. Your parents are your parents for life.

I'm 34 and was able to move into a shared house at 19. Today's 20+ year olds wouldn't be able to afford it. Have you seen the price of rent? Maybe if your husband can help her search he'll realise it's almost impossible for young people to move out, as the rent is so expensive. Then there's gas, electric, water and other bills as well.

Maybe charge her rent and if you are able to put this money aside to help her with a deposit. But still even with a deposit and a good job she'll probably be one of 50 people applying for the same house.

I agree with this too. I wouldn't ever turn my parents away if they needed somewhere to go, any more than I would turn away my dc. Or indeed my sister and/or her son.

You claim you don’t know why your DH doesn’t want his DD home. Why not ask him?
However you said he has a life limiting illness.
In that case I can understand he needs a peaceful environment and not have two bickering women around.
Are you and your daughter so self centred that you are not taking into account that your DH is dying

My children would always be welcome back home. But we're all different

This is a lovely update, and it's so nice that you and your husband came to the same conclusion separately. Makes it a lot easier to manage the situation!

Recent posters need to read the latest update- they’ve agreed that their DD can move home!

A great update, OP, it sounds as if everyone is on the same page now and as a PP said, you may end up enjoying all living together again as your DD has matured. 💐

Your kids are your kids for life - your husband until and if he decides not to be. What if she later gets into a relationship she needs to escape or some other trouble? Are you just going to slam the door in her face? Whilst some things will obviously be more difficult, this is temporary, and I don’t understand you siding with your husband on this. 25 is hardly ancient! It’s your home - you can set ground rules - but to close the door on your own offspring? Especially as you said you were so hurt by this yourself- why repeat history?!

It's great that the situation now seems to have been resolved, OP.

For me my daughter would come first no question. She needs support - possibly not only financially - and I would tell my DH in no uncertain terms that if she wants to come home she is going to be moving back in. I would not give him a choice. Don't be bullied or let your daughter be pushed away!