Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

thank you so much @worriedmum64 and good luck

It's partly different personalities I guess, my sister is more reserved and stayed at home into her 30s. There was nothing wrong with home but I left ASAP because I wanted to be a grown up living as one.

No amount of money and security would've made staying worth it.

We are all dying, some faster than others. If your husband has a life limiting illness and has had to be resuscitated it sounds like you are not facing up to how serious it is.

I hope your daughter has changed and will stick to her promises. No adult should put up with abuse in their own home from another adult who is capable of housing themself and just chooses not to.

If your daughter doesnt keep her promises and your husband needs her to move out you need to have his back. She is healthy and he is not.

Excellent update OP. Best wishes to you all

Thanks for the update OP! I just re-read my post to ensure I didn’t sound rude, we don’t all need to agree but we do need to remember to be kind. ( I’ve never been brave enough to start my own post as I’m not sure I could handle some of the replies). So glad you’ve resolved this with your husband and good luck with it all. It might go so well you don’t want her to move out!!

Great update @worriedmum64 .
To the posters who mistook "life limiting" for "terminal". There are many illnesses and disabilities the restrict normal life. Not necessarily fatal.

I did post earlier suggesting a set of ground rules to ensure privacy and respect all round.
My experience of having adult DC come home was that this worked. We didn't need a financial contribution and they saved a lot by being at home. The thing that helped the most was having some seperate living space. We are lucky enough to have a spare room so we designated that as DC living room. They had a sofa and tv and desk in there as partly WFH. We ate together as that suited me (I am retired and happy to cook for whoever is home). We also sometimes watched tv together but it was very useful to not have to share the living room all the time.
Good luck

People can have occasional crises as part of a life limiting illness but then come back from those crises indefinitely, depending on the condition.

I also re-read my post and while it wasn't nasty, I did mention that perhaps he would like to spend more time with her and that she could ne s support to you both.

Sincere apologies, I did take the term life limiting as meeting both quality and duration.

I'm glad you found a solution to if and that your daughter seems aware of her previous behaviour and the need for change.

That sounds good OP. I am sure you DD won’t want to be home for too long, it’s probably a big step for her to ask to come back home. Pleased to read you and DH are on the same page, I often say give me toddlers anyday, easier than adult sons & daughters and much less drama! So I do get it. Good luck.

Jesus Christ. Why is this even a question? The whole country is in financial crisis, people are struggling to afford to feed themselves and your daughter needs some help. She is Young, most people her age haven’t even moved out yet (based on the fact that there are now more 30 year olds at home than living independently). Your husband is being unreasonable. If the house wasn’t big enough for my husband and daughter I’m afraid it is my husband who would be looking for a flat share, not my daughter

From another perspective

my mother didn’t support me in this way. Our relationship never recovered we didn’t talk for 3 year and then she passed away. Even though she is gone and I miss her I still feel hurt by her and don’t regret pulling myself away.

I wrote a long response to you yesterday and somehow it got lost.

Basically, as I've said up thread, I have 4 autistic children so I do get it. But underlying that I would still want them to know that they could always come home. They know that I would not be promising an easy life and that I would expect them to act in same way as if I'd gone out and got a lodger. I would also sit down and write down what would be the consequences including asking them to leave. But overall I'd want them to know they had a safe space some they can run to if the need arose.

Wow. I moved home for a year when I was 29/30. My husband had got a job working down south and I was left in a north west city on my own so found a job further up north near my family. He was renting a house share down in London. I did not want to move to London and his work was only for a year or so to give something a try. Anyway, we put our house up for sale. I moved in with my mum for a year until the house sold as I couldn’t afford to pay my mortgage and household expenses and then rent somewhere near her. He came to visit on weekends. It was all fine. He then left his job and moved up north and we then rented a house together once our previous house had sold. We then bought somewhere after a year of renting.

Our Daughter will always be welcome wherever we are living our home will always be her home no matter what.
I find it very strange that he is adamant she cannot come back especially if there is a plan in place for it to only be for 12 months.
I would also assume that if she is an NHS employee then she is out of the house alot.
By all means set ground rules but wow saying she can never move back in!

Good luck OP, hope it works out well for all of you 💐

@worriedmum64 , so glad to hear that you have had time to think more objectively, and make some plans. You sound like you are a family who all care for each other, which is a really good start. I think if you make an agreement at the beginning that you can be honest, and sit down together, should you have issues or concerns, would be a good thing to set up.

I have been reflecting on this from the POV of your DD (I sadly wasn't able to have kids), as I forgot I also went 'home' for 3 months, to recover from some major surgery, as I live alone, and needed a lot of help. Obviously, in the early days, I spent a lot of time resting, and was in 'my'/the guest room, but then I started to feel up to visitors, and my parents were great with a regular flow of friends and colleagues. However, I know my Dad likes to have quiet time in the evening, to read, so I made sure my friends came up to my room, rather than us all sit in the lounge, for example. I could see how a little thing like that could have caused issues - and I had to remember it was still THEIR house. My Mum, on the other hand, is a social beast, and loved seeing my mates. My fairly new partner (at the time) would stay a couple of nights a week, and take me to his sometimes at the weekends. So, maybe you have an agreement on how many nights a week it is reasonable for her boyfriend to be there; when you want quiet time; how many nights you want your own space to watch something for you on the TV; what happens if you want your friends over; etc. etc.

I think the biggest thing for me, was for us to have a realisation that we were all adults, and whilst it was their house, they tried their best to respect me, my views, and my way of life; no matter how different it may be to theirs! So, I would say that you and your DH may want to think that part through also, so you don't automatically treat/approach her like she's still a child, and let her have her own way of life, as much as you can. For example, if she likes different foods/staying out later/going different places, then understand that - obviously within reason! (You don't want the drug running for the Taliban, someone mentioned upthread! 😂)
Best of luck to you all. I hope that it goes well, and you all maintain a good family relationship.

@worriedmum64 I am so glad that you are now both in agreement about your daughter moving home. The damage that could have been caused if you'd said no could've been dreadful.

You never know, now she has grown up AND is asking a favour of you, you could find that you all have a lovely time living together and are sad when she moves out again!

There must be more to this?

I agree that this might damage your relationship beyond repair with your daughter.
My kids are teenagers buts I've always told them they have a home for life with me. I'm their mum and if they need me I will be there for them. I've never considered that dh might not agree. I just assumed he would want the best for them the same as me.

Just read the full thread. Glad you have found common ground with your husband. Sounds like with some good ground rulee this arrangement could work for a year. Good luck! 👍

Great update op.

Good luck to you 💐

@shalligiveupagain but he has said he will support her by helping her financially with rent. It’s just the moving in bit he has an issue with. The OP says he adores her so he isn’t necessarily an evil uncaring monster.

It sounds like she is hard work to live with and for a whole year maybe it’s not what he wants now after he has already spent 18 years bringing her up.

Every family is different. Compromises need to made. Do you not think that parents should be able to enjoy their lives without having to share their home with offspring in their mid twenties ? Fine if they are easy to live with but not all are. Perhaps he just wants some peace now? Some time to do his own thing. perhaps she creates stress for him and there are arguments and a small house will exacerbate that.

I do sympathise that times are hard for young people but every generation has its hardships.

I moved out after my degree and flatshared in London with strangers - I made friends actually with some of them for life. It was a great experience. The fact she ‘won’t share with strangers’ is so typical of a generation unwilling to compromise and expecting their parents to bail them out of every hard time going. No wonder we see so many young people with so little resilience these days and then we wonder why there is such a big increase in mental health issues.

I think your husband is being very unreasonable and in doing so may damage his/your relationship with your daughter beyond repair. I get that it's not ideal but you don't stop being a parent just because your child is an adult, she is asking for help and I would help any family member that needed it. Have some ground rules around behaviour/expectations and rent etc and a time limit. It would be pretty heartless to turn her away.

@Heidi75

you can’t just martyr yourself your entire life to your adult offspring just in case you “damage your relationship” if you stop.

Thanks for the excellent update, OP. Fingers crossed it works out as hoped. Best wishes to all of you.

@worriedmum64 your update is remarkably calm and considered, bearing in mind how horribly this thread turned out. In your place I would either have run away from the thread, or posted an emotional rant. I'm really impressed.

I'm afraid that I was one who joined the dots to make something entirely different, regarding your DH and the house. My apologies for that.

I hope that that your DD will accept and keep to your ground rules, and that the year will pass positively and quickly.